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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

210 replies

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 21:39

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 25/09/2023 23:24

he is just doing this to save himself money and they are at an age it’s easier. Plus he has a girlfriend to do the parenting tasks for him. What a twat! Tell him to take you to court and your children will get to decide. Of course they won’t want to now go back and forth half of the time. He doesn’t care about their best interests just the money he can save

Original poster
Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 23:25

@category12 yes he was and I found myself today on the phone trying to keep the peace with him by coming to a solution regarding the new proposed arrangements.

But my gut is telling me not to let this happen and seeing my DD today made me question this whole thing even more.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 23:35

My guess is that the gf is getting annoyed about maintenance as it'd impacting their couple goals like to buy a big house or to have a baby or something.. he's told her he has to pay it as he's not resident and can't do 50/50 because of work and she's said 'oh if that's all it is I can pick them up' - perhaps trying to prove herself to be extra helpful so she gets her baby or whatever.

You don't need to uproot them to go and hang out with their sort of step mum for half their week just to save him cash

Wallywobbles · 25/09/2023 23:42

Just say if you want more take it to court. Otherwise it stays as it is. And while it's in court you can request the change of schools that he'll be hard pressed to justify refusing.

I can pretty much guarantee this will not go the way he wants.

Opentooffers · 26/09/2023 03:10

Erm, how is maintenance going on travel costs? You do realise its up to him to pick them up. Have you been enabling the care on his side? I sense you are being too soft at the expense of your DC. Stand up to him, don't make deals, fight for what your DC want fgs.

Nat6999 · 26/09/2023 04:11

By the time ds was 8, he was making his own contact arrangements with his dad. He saw him when he wanted.

Lastchancechica · 26/09/2023 06:00

19 miles is no distance at all.
Don’t meet this man’s demands, at the expense of your children! He had no right to demand anything given his pitiful contribution to their lives. It’s a money saving exercise, and does not have your children’s best interests at heart.

Hold firm. Reassure your children. Continue listening and acting on their wishes.

He has well and truly missed the boat, it’s too late.

MintJulia · 26/09/2023 06:16

Put bluntly, your ex has left it too late. Your dcs are now old enough to express a preference and any judge would accept their choice. If they don't want to go then they don't have to.

You ex will just have to accept that. They are not toys that he can discard in a cupboard for a decade and then suddenly find an interest in. He has only himself to blame.

Advise him that your children are at an age when they are entitled to make their own choice. You will not push them or force them. His only option is to persuade them by building up a stronger relationship, and that will not happen by dumping them on his girlfriend when they they don't want to go.

MidnightOnceMore · 26/09/2023 06:22

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 23:25

@category12 yes he was and I found myself today on the phone trying to keep the peace with him by coming to a solution regarding the new proposed arrangements.

But my gut is telling me not to let this happen and seeing my DD today made me question this whole thing even more.

Who matters more in this, your ex or your children?

Tell him no, they are happy with the longstanding arrangements and you support their right to decide now they are older.

Tell him to seek legal advice about taking this through court if he wants to vary it, but the court will listen to the children.

You have to back your children.

whiteroseredrose · 26/09/2023 06:36

TiredMamOfTwo · 25/09/2023 21:45

They are old enough to make their own decision, if it went to court the judge would side with what the children wanted.

It's to late in the game to demand 50/50.

This.

smallshinybutton · 26/09/2023 06:38

Maybe offer for them to stay longer in the school holidays? If the kids are up for that.

whiteroseredrose · 26/09/2023 06:42

I wouldn't make your DDs spend any more time with him if they don't want to. As others have said, if it went to court the judge would listen to what DC want.

Epidote · 26/09/2023 07:09

You need to speak with your children and if they don't want to go more than they do stand by their side.

On the other hand start put things in written email better than phone call make it sound "legal" go and seek help from any mediation, etc and if your ex doesn't drop his deluded expectations just tell him that you will not force them to cut their teenager life in half, and he can take the case in to court.

Is there any charity association that will provide you free or little pay legal advice?, I'm not sure but as this things are quite common I would think there should be a place like that.

You are not against your ex, you are with your kids and they are old enough to like their lives as they are.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 26/09/2023 07:14

Write a list of what he will need for each dd. Full uniform as your sets with be at your home.. Coats.. Shoes.. Clubs.. Dinner money.. Trip money.. Suggest when he sends you copies of receipts you will take his suggestion seriously..

AnotherCountryMummy · 26/09/2023 07:16

I absolutely wouldn't entertain it if it's not what your children want.

As a pp said, keep all correspondence simple, non emotional and in writing. This can be used in evidence if it ever goes to court. Your ex doesn't have a leg to stand on.

You mentioned in a subsequent post that he wants maintenance to stop if he has them 50/50. Guaranteed he's looking for an easy way to claw back some funds for his new life with this gf. Who I also feel sorry for as he's trying to rope her into free childcare.

Stand strong, OP.

DreamItDoIt · 26/09/2023 07:25

Now is the time to show your children that you have their backs. Just simply say what @Embarrassednamechangeadoddle said and repeat. Let him do all the finding out, don't engage.

Lastly make sure your children are very clear that you understand and they will be listened to. Tell them that they are considered to be of an age for the courts to listen to them. It sounds as though your ex will try and persuade them, you need to build their confidence and try and help them tell him that they don't want things to change.

wildwestpioneer · 26/09/2023 07:29

Just say no, plus change schools, he'd be hard pushed to stop this.

Tell him if he doesn't like it then he should take you to court, end of conversation. Your dc will be asked if they want this move and their opinions will be taken into account.

Holly2285 · 26/09/2023 07:34

I'm questioning why now after 10 years does he suddenly want them 50/50. Sounds like going to be palming them off on his girlfriend. At their age, they are old enough to know what they want and as others have said it's usually the age that 50/50 starts ending, not just beginning.

Your children are in their teens which is most difficult time so can understand why don't want the change and to keep things as they have been for last 10 years.

Original poster
Tranquilaroma · 26/09/2023 07:40

@Opentooffers the maintenance is going on travel costs as we moved a year ago 19miles from where we originally lived. The DC were at a school where it was about 40 minutes on the bus (though at that point I was driving as one was in primary)

We moved and now it takes us 40ish minutes to drive to their school bus stop and then they continue the journey.

Earlier this year they asked to move schools as they wanted to make friends where we live and walk to school. Ex refused to consent.

This year I've been driving more to and from old school as they are tired which takes me 4 hours in total each day and has restricted a lot of studies/work.

A couple weeks ago the DC asked if I can look at the schools with them close to us so we did that when their Dad was on holiday with gf but he found out and has since been incredibly difficult.

The children want to move ASAP but I believe I need a signature from him on school forms (maybe I dont?)
I fear I will get in big trouble by a court if I move the children without his consent too.
Eldest chooses GCSE options this year and desperate to settle in a school he liked by us.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 26/09/2023 07:44

You don't need your ex's signature for school forms but I do not know how quickly you can get court permission to move school and home.

You need to stop trying to placate your ex and take advantage of the legal system siding with your kids. Not sticking up for them now risks your relationship with them.

Doingmybest12 · 26/09/2023 07:56

Sorry this is happening. It sounds like your children are clear on their views and he's not offering to care for them himself anyway. I would seek legal advice if he continues to insist.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/09/2023 08:00

I think it’s a hard and blunt answer here

the kids don’t want this , they want a relationship with you but it’s a major upheaval for them

spend more time with them and maybe this will change ?

full fuckinf stop 🛑

he sounds horrible as he’s barking orders
also is money in the mix here ?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/09/2023 08:02

And as a PP said the law in on your side here

get a decent Soliciter and start to flex your muscle here

Original poster
Tranquilaroma · 26/09/2023 08:20

I have sent my Ex the message @Embarrassednamechangeadoddle responded to.

Spoke to DD this morning who is relieved.

Really appreciate all these responses. Definitely feel strength in these messages which is long overdue for the sake of my DC.

OP posts:
LaviniasBigBloomers · 26/09/2023 08:25

Ten years out, I wonder why you're so invested in keeping the peace and placating him? Have you ever done the Freedom programme? I think it could really help you.

You will now get an angry call from him - don't answer. Keep it all to message or email. Mute him so you can get on with your day, check your phone tonight. You need to retrain your brain to not jump when he whistles, which is really difficult. That's why avoiding phone calls is much, much better, you've got time to think through what to say and don't get drawn into a peace-keeping mission. Keep telling yourself you're not Kofi Annan!

Get through the 50/50 thing first before you tackle the school. If you're negotiating on a lot of fronts you'll give too much away. Might be worth posting on legal to find out about the school forms, but for now keep your focus on not 50/50.