Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

[Tranquilaroma]

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

It seems crazy to me that in order to make his life easier, you and your children have to go to a school that none of you want at major inconvenience to you all. I would just move them. Once it's done, what's he going to do?? There are plenty of single Mum's out there, I'm sure they won't have to ask deadbeat Dad's permission to go to school. If he's not involved in the school drop offs and pick ups then surely he wouldn't even notice for ages.

He's only thinking of him not what's best for the kids. He's not even going to be the one at home for them his partner is.
Great that you are listening to them. Let him take you to court if he pushes it. They have voices now and they will be listened to.

I am an unemployed lawyer and teacher (not family law though) and I really don’t get why dads who don’t do 50% care get to have 50% decisions on things like schools!

My daughter went to four different nurseries, he never went to a single one of them. Never visited her infant school in that application process. On the last school move, my ex put in a counter application to the council which was obviously dismissed when I showed them the Court Order which shows DD lives with me and stays with him but he hadn’t even viewed a single school he put on the list and never goes to any of the meetings etc in school and quite honestly, only does 30% school drops and collections (15% overall care).

I am planning on moving away (closer to my parents who live an hour away) and my DD will have to move school but I am prepared to drive her an hour for her to go to her dad’s once a week (stay with a friend and drive her back the next day) and alternate weekends as our current order specifies. I’ve been asking him to up
his time to 50% ever since we split up - I adore our daughter but feel she deserves an equal relationship with us both. He refuses.

When he had a partner she did some of the school runs for him. She’s now left him.

DD’s off sick today with a cold he caught from him at the weekend, I asked him to treat her verruca (he didn’t) and he took her swimming with a recurring ear infection which I’m now having to treat again. No doubt others nearby will soon be having to treat their children’s verruca’s too. My DD is paranoid that’s why she is the only one turning up to her swimming lessons now! I’m not taking her now as she has an ear infection and a verruca (which is now being treated so probably that isn’t an issue).

I asked him to check in with me about the ear infection before he took her swimming. He didn’t! He expects our 7 year old daughter to be solely responsible for decisions like this. She probably said her ear was fine (which it probably was) but I’d have given it another week given this is not the first time the ear infection has returned.

OP - call his bluff and wait to see if he actually does take you to court for 50:50 (the partner may not actually be wanting to do all this extra care) and then as other posters have said, the judge will take into consideration the DCs wishes. My daughter doesn’t want to move (but she will be fine when we get there as she is resilient) and she can still see her friends here with her dad (and I will come back lots too) but when I suggested we swap around and he could do 85% care - she looked absolutely horrified!

I get that a few men dressed up as Spider-Man a few years ago - is it time for a few women to dress up as Elsa?

If you are in Scotland, the age a child's views are followed is 12. So perhaps similar in other countries too? Look up the law and tell him what's what.

Lose lose *

Let him take you to court. The kids can then tell the judge that they want to change schools too. I’ll bet he’s told the GF that you don’t let him see the girls. There’s a script deadbeat dads follow too.

I instantly jumped to 50/50 contact means no child maintenance for him to pay.

You don’t have to allow the contact and if he threatens you with court tell him to carry on as a judge will listen to the children.

I’m with others here. I think he’s got a nerve asking for 50/50 now that he’s living with his gf - he’s not actually going to be with them any more frequently if he’s still working long hours and travelling for work, so the gf will be doing most of the childcare by the sound of things. I think the main motivation is the maintenance. It’s more about reducing his outgoings than wanting more contact, and I do wonder if this is something maybe the gf has suggested because she’s resentful of the cost.

The children are old enough to have their wishes considered in court and I can’t see any judge awarding 50/50 custody if they are so against it - I think it will be seen for what it is.

Yes, I wouldn’t be just giving him 50/50. He would need to go to court imo to have that and it’s unlikely it would be given as the children are old enough to decide for themselves.

Out of interest, what was your reason for moving so far away from your children’s school without them moving school at the same time? I think most people would typically move their children to a nearer school given the distance of commute.

If you change schools he would have to challenge it in court wouldn't he?
Is he very proactive?
I would guess probably not.
It would be hard for a judge to agree to move them back again to the original school if it went against your children's' wishes.

This crossed my mind too tbh. It’s just as much a possibility as it being his own suggestion and don’t think it’s unreasonable to consider it, given that this request has come because he is now living with the gf. I know a couple of second partners who resent child maintenance costs and see them as a barrier to their choices as a couple.

I can't stand this "they're my kids, i get to decide" nonsense. They're human beings in their own right and deserve a voice, and stability, esp as they come into their teens & gcse years. I'm boggling that any father would demand the 'right' to make his children's lives trickier because that's what HE wants.

Balls to that, OP. This would be a "hold my coat" moment for me. Children first, and blow him. Agree with Lavinias too - everything in writing so you have a paper trail, don't engage verbally and don't allow him to wind you up. Good luck!

It sounds as though he refused consent for them to move schools from the start. He’s forcing the OP into 4 hours of travel each school day and given that he has no involvement in their schooling and that the children are actually wanting to move schools and make friends closer to home, it sounds like he’s more about making the OP’s life as difficult as possible, than actually considering his childrens’ needs. I’d be telling him all of this and pointing out that when they get old enough to understand, they’re going to resent him for not putting them first.

First thoughts are that he’s trying to save himself a few quid and impress his new GF.

He’s probably convinced his GF he’s some sort of hero dad and the kids would be better off with them.

Why would his new GF want to take all that parenting responsibility on too?

it absolutely doesn’t sound like it’s in anyone’s best interests. Your kids are old enough to advocate for themselves

It does not sound as if he has the children's interests at heart here OP.

Luckily, the children are old enough to have a say - and a court would hear them.

If you take this to court perhaps you can also get permission to move the children to schools nearer your home. (Who takes them home from school in the day if they are ill? I'm guessing he doesn't.)

Re the 50/50 - as everyone has said - just ignore that. The DC get a say and it's completely ridiculous.

Re the school - go speak to a solicitor. get actual legal advice. I cannot imagine that he has to give specific permission. It might be that because he has PR he can veto such an option. But I don't know and neither do you. So get proper advice - an hour of a solicitor's time is a worthwhile investment I'd say.

But hell, if both parents had to give permission for schools etc, no children would ever be educated because let's be honest here - 90% of this work is done by women, even in happy relationships.

Also, re 50/50 - you idon'thave to comply but I also think it's a real sign that he's a bit of a dick who doesn't care about the children. he wants the kids to uproot their lives and live with him 50% of the time - in a home that has previously just been somewhere they visited and with an adult in charge who they are not actually related to?! hahaha.

His new GF will soon change her tune when she's sudenly responsible for a lion's share of your ex's parental responsibilities. Also, if the dc aren't happy about being there, that will become painfully apparent very quickly & the gf will feel very uncomfortable.

As others have said, get proper legal advice.

1 your ex is not after more contact. He has stated himself that he won't be present but has found a stranger (to your children) to take on their care; whether she knows it or not. She is also a girlfriend, not a wife and as such is not really a permenant fixture in anyone's life.

2 this is soley about not paying child support, pure and simple, and a court will see this from a mile away.

3 your ex's word is not law. When you get your legal advice, include the change of schools and anything else. If parents can't agree the court steps in. You may not be able to make him help but he doesn't have carte blanche to hinder.

4 your children now have a say. The arrangements are for their benefit; not to stroke a man's ego.

Good luck! You'll be fine.

This sadly sounds like he is making a financial decision to save maintenance and not one where he actually wants to spend more time with his children. If he wanted to spend more time with his children he would have changed his hours by this point in their lives. By refusing to review their school it sounds like he really does not have their best interest at heart. As their main carer I would push further on the school move if possible as you deem it in the children’s best interest to not travel such distances daily and form local friendships

This with bells on..

And it's time for him to do the pickups / drop offs, or at least half of them, so the maintenance is spent on maintaining his children, not letting him wriggle out of his duties.

I can't imagine any court would say that your kids need to spend that long commuting unless your ex can give a bloody good reason, especially when your eldest is about to embark on his GCSEs.

TBH, I'd just try and enrol him. It's not best practice, but not illegal either, and it's clearly best for your child.

https://www.hcrlaw.com/blog/pupil-admissions-parental-responsibility/

Get legal advice and push through a school move of that is what they want

My bf's mate tried this except for some bizarre reason he wanted full custody! He took his ex to court and the DCs (about your DCs ages) wanted to stay with their mother (whilst still seeing their DF). The judge agreed and he went mental trying to tell the judge that he would get what he wanted (no mention of the DCs having what they wanted). You can imagine how that worked out ...

He wants to save some money, make a big display of what a great dad he is whilst getting the gf to do the work and treating his DCs as if they are possessions not human beings.

Let him take you to court and whilst you are at it you can sort out the schools. This is about the DCs and he just doesn't get it.

Even if it is the case, it’s still his responsibility to say no, I will do what’s best for my children. The responsibility starts and stops with him. I just think it’s easier to always blame the woman. The men blame the women and the women blame the women, it’s awful. When are we going to make men take full responsibility for their actions?