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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

210 replies

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 21:39

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 29/09/2023 10:54

DS has been off school for a couple days this week and I have taken time off to be around. Ex has had annual leave this week and did not want to help out as, "he is enjoying the rest of his annual leave and its my job as a full time parent" which of course, I am happy to do but it makes it difficult to understand his intentions.. (he has also just come back from a holiday abroad with his gf.)

Did you ask him how he thought this would work once he had 50/50?!

OP, I know you've said you're going to speak to a solicitor etc so that's all good but I think you have to stop being so passive. I mean, the comment above would have me so angry and you just seem to accept it.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 29/09/2023 12:03

Messages like he just sent will make him look sooooo convincing in court. Let him crack on.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 29/09/2023 19:37

He wanted to enjoy his leave and not look after his own children?

Hope you have that in writing from him. What an arse. But it will come in handy should he actually go to court. Keep your conversations like this in writing!

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2023 08:24

Coolmom81 · 29/09/2023 06:48

You should really try reading what some one writes before jumping on them! I said overnight, whole weekends when their Dad will be there! Not 50/50 and not during the week, but it sounds like they don’t see much of their Dad at all. I also said she should listen to her children, but to encourage more contact with their Dad which is absolutely the right thing. What reason is there not to allow them to spend whole weekends with their Dad (providing the children are happy about it) OP says they go to school near their Dad’s so all their friends are over that way anyway.

*Coolmom81 · Yesterday 08:28

When someone posts on here they are asking for opinions. That is my opinion. Your opinion might be different to mine which is fine, but it doesn’t make either of us right or wrong so I have no idea why you feel the need to quote me or try and slam my opinion down just because I don’t share the same opinion as you. You stay in your lane and I’ll stay in mine*

Two posts from you which clearly demonstrate that you haven’t grasped the situation OP is describing and now you’re arguing with the posters pointing out that your ‘opinion’ is based on your misconception..

The OP is not discouraging more contact with their dad, and they already stay the overnights and whole weekends which, for some reason, you seem to think she won’t ‘allow’. The whole point of the thread is that their dad wants more access because he has a live in girlfriend who will do most of the childcare. Their dad won’t actually be any more involved with the children because his work commitments haven’t changed - so the dc will essentially be spending 50% of the time with someone who is not their parent. Given the lack of interest in the dc he’s demonstrated up to now it’s clear to most posters that this is more about avoiding paying maintenance than any new found enthusiasm for his children - and they themselves don’t want any part of it.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2023 08:28

GingerIsBest · 29/09/2023 10:54

DS has been off school for a couple days this week and I have taken time off to be around. Ex has had annual leave this week and did not want to help out as, "he is enjoying the rest of his annual leave and its my job as a full time parent" which of course, I am happy to do but it makes it difficult to understand his intentions.. (he has also just come back from a holiday abroad with his gf.)

Did you ask him how he thought this would work once he had 50/50?!

OP, I know you've said you're going to speak to a solicitor etc so that's all good but I think you have to stop being so passive. I mean, the comment above would have me so angry and you just seem to accept it.

I’d be furious too. And it’s just one more clue that the changes he wants are more about avoiding maintenance payments than doing what’s best for his kids.

Coolmom81 · 30/09/2023 08:45

Bit of gaslighting going on there! Because, you can see from my responses that I’m not arguing with anyone I’m asking people to stop telling other posters their opinion is wrong. OP asked for opinions I gave mine. I haven’t misconceived anything and I certainly haven’t asked for anyone’s opinion on my opinion. I see people like you all the time commenting on other people’s opinions as if yours is the ONLY valid opinion. It’s not necessary! If you have something to say about the OPs situation then say it but stop trying to bat people down because they don’t think exactly the same as you.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 30/09/2023 09:08

Imo op just smile and leave him to it... His solicitor will happily take his money. I can almost see the judge smirk when they hear he wants 50 /50 because they are his dc and he wants them.

I would guess his relationship isn't going great and he is looking for a way to exercise his believed authority with someone...
Right there you have proof in 1 text he has no intention of putting the dc first... A court will see that immediately.. He isn't even texting you with the 'right' things to support his ridiculous demands...

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2023 09:10

Coolmom81 · 30/09/2023 08:45

Bit of gaslighting going on there! Because, you can see from my responses that I’m not arguing with anyone I’m asking people to stop telling other posters their opinion is wrong. OP asked for opinions I gave mine. I haven’t misconceived anything and I certainly haven’t asked for anyone’s opinion on my opinion. I see people like you all the time commenting on other people’s opinions as if yours is the ONLY valid opinion. It’s not necessary! If you have something to say about the OPs situation then say it but stop trying to bat people down because they don’t think exactly the same as you.

Gaslighting how ? I’m just pointing out, as others have, that your opinion is based on your misconception of the facts.

Coolmom81 · 30/09/2023 10:52

You're describing a situation that never happened. I’m not arguing with anyone over their disagreement with my opinion. My point is that people should be allowed to have an opinion. I never stated any facts just my opinion and you seem to be hell bent on disproving my opinion, but you can’t because an opinion cannot be right or wrong. Stop ignoring the point I am making to make it fit your agenda.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/09/2023 11:05

Haven’t got an agenda. I’m picking up on the same issues as other posters and you accused me of gaslighting you ??!! However it’s derailing the thread so I’ll leave you to it.

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