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Original poster

Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

210 replies

Tranquilaroma · 25/09/2023 21:39

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

OP posts:
Underestimated4 · 27/09/2023 14:15

Goldbar · 27/09/2023 13:19

He has no "entitlement" to his children. Children have rights. Parents have responsibilities not rights in relation to their children. His children have a right to as much contact with him as is in their best interests but they do not have to arrange their lives to suit his convenience.

Unfortunately ‘parental rights’ is actually a thing and sadly he has rights. But his children also have rights to be listen to and heard.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/09/2023 14:16

When he gets told by a solicitor that the children have the rights in court to be heard watch out for any blackmail from him towards the children, promises of puppies or kittens, holidays or whatever to bargin with them into getting his own way op.
He sounds the sort to resort to that kind of game playing.

toobusymummy · 27/09/2023 15:07

It doesn't matter what you or he thinks - it matters what the children think and this kind of heavy handed approach by him is doing him no favours in the eyes of his children - that's all he needs to consider, what kind of a Dad does he want to be? One who thinks because HIS situation has changed his kids should just fall in line (and from what you've read a lot of that extra time will actually be with his gf and not him so sounds a lot like Dad-virtue-signalling to me) or the kind of Dad who takes time to really KNOW and UNDERSTAND his children to the point where THEY want to spend more time with HIM? I know which kind of parent I would rather be -stick to your guns Mamma, you know your children best but do encourage them to consider some extra time and how that might be comfortable for them and then you're not cast as the villain!

jeaux90 · 27/09/2023 15:43

OP he is trying to railroad everyone including you.

If your teens are struggling to find their voice I'm afraid you are going to have to advocate for them.

Tell him they don't want to and he can go to court over it.

It's a good lesson in boundaries for the kids though, they do need to learn it's ok to say no.

Dartsplayer · 27/09/2023 15:53

PR stands for Parental Responsibilities not rights. The children are the ones with the rights

Dartsplayer · 27/09/2023 15:55

Sorry tbat was to @Underestimated4

Underestimated4 · 27/09/2023 16:12

Dartsplayer · 27/09/2023 15:55

Sorry tbat was to @Underestimated4

I’m aware of parental responsibilities and parental rights. I’ve just come out of a 3 year court battle with my domestically abusive ex. Believe me, fathers have rights, doesn’t matter when domestic abuse is proven. My child’s ‘rights’ came second to her fathers ‘rights’. My point was to not lure this person into a false sense of security that children will fully be listened to because of their rights and parents rights ignored, it’s not the case, parental alienation is a classic to be thrown around by these sorts of fathers I wanted the person to be open, because believe me all the evidence I had graphic murder threats didn’t stop my ex using his ‘rights’ to get access to our child.

Mirabai · 27/09/2023 16:51

Underestimated4 · 27/09/2023 16:12

I’m aware of parental responsibilities and parental rights. I’ve just come out of a 3 year court battle with my domestically abusive ex. Believe me, fathers have rights, doesn’t matter when domestic abuse is proven. My child’s ‘rights’ came second to her fathers ‘rights’. My point was to not lure this person into a false sense of security that children will fully be listened to because of their rights and parents rights ignored, it’s not the case, parental alienation is a classic to be thrown around by these sorts of fathers I wanted the person to be open, because believe me all the evidence I had graphic murder threats didn’t stop my ex using his ‘rights’ to get access to our child.

Show quote history

Different situation, in this case ex is not fighting for rights to access, he has that, but how much the children will live with him.

I don’t disagree that access is given to abusive exes when it shouldn’t be but that is another issue.

Doone22 · 27/09/2023 21:17

No he's not just allowed to have them . He can go to court. A judge will make an appropriate order based on what's good for them not him.

Coolmom81 · 28/09/2023 19:29

I think it’s important to listen to your children. It’s not fair on them to just suddenly be expected to split their time between two households. However, I’m sure they will get used to it over time especially if you are talking to them about it positively. As long as you have no concerns over the GF who will probably be picking up a large portion of the childcare then I would probably encourage the children to gradually spend more time with their father. Overnight, whole weekends (if this isn’t already happening) they will thank you for it when they are older. Don’t allowed them or you to be rushed in to anything just because all of a sudden is a good time for your ex.

category12 · 28/09/2023 19:36

Coolmom81 · 28/09/2023 19:29

I think it’s important to listen to your children. It’s not fair on them to just suddenly be expected to split their time between two households. However, I’m sure they will get used to it over time especially if you are talking to them about it positively. As long as you have no concerns over the GF who will probably be picking up a large portion of the childcare then I would probably encourage the children to gradually spend more time with their father. Overnight, whole weekends (if this isn’t already happening) they will thank you for it when they are older. Don’t allowed them or you to be rushed in to anything just because all of a sudden is a good time for your ex.

They're 13 and 12, they'll be getting more independent and wanting to spend more time with friends and deciding what they want to do with their evenings/weekends themselves not being shipped between houses like so much baggage when they're older.

Mirabai · 28/09/2023 20:11

I think it’s really important that they move school. If it’s necessary to go to court to resolve both these issues so be it. Your kids should come first.

0lga · 28/09/2023 20:48

Coolmom81 · 28/09/2023 19:29

I think it’s important to listen to your children. It’s not fair on them to just suddenly be expected to split their time between two households. However, I’m sure they will get used to it over time especially if you are talking to them about it positively. As long as you have no concerns over the GF who will probably be picking up a large portion of the childcare then I would probably encourage the children to gradually spend more time with their father. Overnight, whole weekends (if this isn’t already happening) they will thank you for it when they are older. Don’t allowed them or you to be rushed in to anything just because all of a sudden is a good time for your ex.

I can only assume that you’ve not met any 12 or 13 year olds Hmm .

They don’t want to live between two houses . They don’t want to spend more time with their dads GF.

They want to live with their mum. As they have done their whole lives.

They want to move schools so they don’t have to spend 10 hours a week commuting. They want to see their mates / do sports / clubs at the weekend like everyone else.

The older child wants to pick his GCSE subjects and know he won’t have to move schools in the middle of them.

Their mums only job here is to do what’s best for them . Not to “ talk positively” about their dads plans to mess up their lives to save his cash.

Why ON EARTH would thank their mum when they are older for doing what their dad wants instead of what they want? Do you alway think that women and children should do what men want ? Or is it that you think non resident parents shouldn’t have to support their kids ? Or maybe that a 13 year old should be thinking of how he can save his dad some cash instead of about his own education ?

You clearly have sone agenda here and it’s certainly not about what’s best for two teenagers.

Coolmom81 · 28/09/2023 21:25

I have had three of my own as it happens and I have also been the child of divorced parents. No agenda here other than answering question with some degree of experience. Not sure what the attack is about when all I did was suggest slowly increasing visits. Bad day at the office???

WhistPie · 28/09/2023 23:36

@Coolmom81 So why should two teenagers have to spend more time away from their home, friends and mum in order to spend time with their father's girlfriend? Who benefits? Not the children, who don't want to, not the mother, not the father's girlfriend. And the father won't be seeing more of them as he won't be there!

BoohooWoohoo · 28/09/2023 23:48

The son wants to see dad more during school holidays but not on school nights. If he can not take time off during school holidays then it is dad who is the barrier to a good relationship.

Coolmom81 · 29/09/2023 06:48

You should really try reading what some one writes before jumping on them! I said overnight, whole weekends when their Dad will be there! Not 50/50 and not during the week, but it sounds like they don’t see much of their Dad at all. I also said she should listen to her children, but to encourage more contact with their Dad which is absolutely the right thing. What reason is there not to allow them to spend whole weekends with their Dad (providing the children are happy about it) OP says they go to school near their Dad’s so all their friends are over that way anyway.

ConnieTucker · 29/09/2023 06:54

why did you apply for the school for the youngest child? were they not at that high school when you moved?

Original poster
Tranquilaroma · 29/09/2023 07:32

They see their Dad every other weekend and overnight. School holidays varies- depends when he takes time off but generally speaking the majority of half term and holidays are with me.
For instance, this summer they spent an additional 5 nights with him which I know they would like to have had more time.

I have supported the DC over the years in going to their Dads, seeing him more too and there had been some occasions where they refused to go (due to difficulties between them and their Dad) but I continually supported them in getting back into seeing him.

DD had already beeen offered place at current school before move and they were both at the time, happy to continue to go but overtime have started struggling with the long commute, hanging out with friends they have made here etc.

Ex lives about 22 miles from their current school.

DS has been off school for a couple days this week and I have taken time off to be around. Ex has had annual leave this week and did not want to help out as, "he is enjoying the rest of his annual leave and its my job as a full time parent" which of course, I am happy to do but it makes it difficult to understand his intentions.. (he has also just come back from a holiday abroad with his gf.)

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 29/09/2023 07:45

LaviniasBigBloomers · 25/09/2023 21:48

It's far too late to be demanding 50/50. Not that it actually is 50/50 if his girlfriend is doing all of the drop offs/pick ups and afternoon care...

He's either trying to present himself as father of the year or wanting to stop paying for his kids. Say no, because your children don't want to do it - but be prepared for a fight to get maintenance out of him, you'll end up having to take him to the CMS.

He'll bluster and threaten to take you to court but by the time that all rolls around the children will be mid-teens and there's not a chance a judge will compel them.

This.
Tell him no...kids old enough to make their own decisions. It will impact their mental health if they're forced.

WhistPie · 29/09/2023 08:02

Coolmom81 · 29/09/2023 06:48

You should really try reading what some one writes before jumping on them! I said overnight, whole weekends when their Dad will be there! Not 50/50 and not during the week, but it sounds like they don’t see much of their Dad at all. I also said she should listen to her children, but to encourage more contact with their Dad which is absolutely the right thing. What reason is there not to allow them to spend whole weekends with their Dad (providing the children are happy about it) OP says they go to school near their Dad’s so all their friends are over that way anyway.

You should try reading the OP's posts and understanding what they say.

Coolmom81 · 29/09/2023 08:28

When someone posts on here they are asking for opinions. That is my opinion. Your opinion might be different to mine which is fine, but it doesn’t make either of us right or wrong so I have no idea why you feel the need to quote me or try and slam my opinion down just because I don’t share the same opinion as you. You stay in your lane and I’ll stay in mine!

Anyfeckinusername · 29/09/2023 08:47

God how stressful.

Just remember in all your "discussions" that this is about what is best for the children.

Your ex is trying to bulldoze this through you with some very shaky assumptions. Of course he's entitled to see his kids - you've always facilitated that and you agree with his role in their lives. But what they need and want comes first. Not what he wants.

If you can go to court then do so. The not changing school thing is very unreasonable

I went to court for an international relocation so a bit different but
I had to document the interactions, my reasons were all genuine but I had to prove that yes, I am always encouraging and facilitating their relationship and certainly not blocking it.

Don't let him bully you xxx

WhistPie · 29/09/2023 10:09

Coolmom81 · 29/09/2023 08:28

When someone posts on here they are asking for opinions. That is my opinion. Your opinion might be different to mine which is fine, but it doesn’t make either of us right or wrong so I have no idea why you feel the need to quote me or try and slam my opinion down just because I don’t share the same opinion as you. You stay in your lane and I’ll stay in mine!

@Coolmom81 I think most people know how much value to place on an opinion that totally disregards the facts

Coolmom81 · 29/09/2023 10:33

And here you go again trying to ram your opinion down other people’s throats! My opinion is my opinion. You aren’t going to change it so so commenting on it. If you have something to say about what OP has posted, then post it own comment - don’t piggy back on mine.