Ex wanting more contact after 10 years

[Tranquilaroma]

My Ex and I seperated over 10 years ago and I was and continue to be the full time parent to our DC (13 and 12) Over these years he has done a handful of school runs, never had them when they are poorly, dealt with dentist appointments, doctors etc.

During that time he has had them mostly every other weekend and a few extra nights in the summer holidays and very little extra time during other school breaks.

Recently he has asked for 50/50 child arranagements as his situation is now different (lives with his gf) and she is able to pick up/drop off and have them until he finishes work. He works long hours and travels sometimes far for work.

DC are not happy with this new proposal. They love their Dad but don't want to split their day to day living with him.

Ex has said it is not up to them to decide as they are his children and he is allowed to have them. It is hard to get him to understand that though he may suddenly be ready to have them and step in more the children, after living life since 2/3years old with me, are not ready so easily and quickly.

I am struggling to navigate this situation and have had my DD in tears after school. She wants it to stay as it always has been with her Dad and wondering why she isn't being listened to. The proposal of a few extra nights and not 50/50 is not on the cards from the DC pov.

Advice would be really appreciated, thank you.

Absolutely NOT! This selfish man baby can get the f out of here, seriously! It’s all about what the kids want and he can’t suddenly dictate what he wants now. He can piss off! How dare he! If he’s working long hours he won’t even be there so he’s really a cheeky fucker isn’t he!

Currently going through this. DD11 dad has not had her overnight for approx 4 years and never on a weekend, now that he has moved (out of the area where she has no connections to friends) he wants alternating weekends including overnight stays. DD beside herself and has said no. In the end I’ve had to let him take me to court, yesterday court said she needs her voice heard at this age and esp given it’s such a big change in routine. Court ordered child inclusive mediation for 3 months. Court will side with what’s best for child, and what has longevity to it given she is approaching teenage years and court ordered visits will be harder to enforce.

I knew as soon as I read your thread title that there was a new partner on the scene. It's so predictable.

I think you should push for the school change, Op.

One of my brothers tried something similar with SIL over schools, and it ended up in court.
The judge ruled that the change of school my SIL wanted to make was entirely reasonable and in their child's best interests (which it was). My brother was told firmly to stop being an antagonistic bully, though of course they didn't use those exact words!
His only reason for challenging it was to make life difficult for SIL, so it served him right.

Please stop pandering to this POS OP. As others have said, of course he wants to change it so he pays less and of course it’s when a new gf is on the scene. A gf isn’t a long term commitment so I’d change nothing! No judge is going to go against what your children actually want which is to be with you and go to a closer school. Their daily commute is insane and he’s a total shit for making them go through it! It’s abusive actually and he’s still controlling you and your children even now despite acting like a complete loser the last 10 years. I hope your children manage to move schools!

Move schools.

He does not get to decide what school they go to when you are the residential parent and are the one facilitating it.

Don’t tell him, just do it.

Part of me thinks he should have 50/50 as why should you do all of the hard work.
It also won’t last long as the gf will be doing all of the parenting.

But as he’s not even consenting to moving schools then he’s obviously not wanting 50/50 for the right reasons (I’m guessing it’s maintenance reasons and him and the gf think he’s giving you too much).

How long has he been with his new gf?
If it’s not been that long then tell him that that is the reason and that you will reconsider it after a year.

I would be getting them to pick the kids up from school and giving them tea though and having them more in the holidays - tell them that this is the compromise.

Tbh I think I’d go and see a lawyer. Ask them what your ex is or isn’t actually ‘allowed’.
I mean if your dcs don’t want to go 50/50, I’m pretty sure no court will go against that.
It might clarify the situation re a new school.

But more importantly, it will give you the tools to answer him back and do what’s best for your dcs.

Carry on looking after them and putting them first. Don’t get drawn into making his life easier when it’s not in the best interest of the dcs.
(and btw, it IS in the best interest of your dcs to have a school closer to home. Quite quickly too because of GCSE)

Yes OP could apply for a specific issue order through the family court

I think this is good advice. Keep it clear and unemotional.

The children want to move ASAP but I believe I need a signature from him on school forms (maybe I dont?)

I'd seek legal advice and check with the council but I'd be fighting to change schools before GCSE if that what they want.

If it got near a court I can't see them siding with your ex - also seeing friend and family with ex's there's often a lot of noise and threats but very few actually end up going to court.

If they are over the age of 10 their wishes should be listened to. It's up to you to decide what's best. If he took you to court for 50/50 he would not get it. Not after 10 years and the kids not wanting it. No court would grant him that.

Yeah, he's defo just trying to duck out of maintenance. Wanker.

It’s great that you’ve sent such a clear and firm text.
next, he will try to escalate it and bully you into letting it happen. You need to stay strong, firm and with the children’s best interests at the front of your mind.

don’t get drawn into an exchange of texts - just tell him he is more than welcome to go to see a solicitor if he wishes t9 challenge it.

which he may do, and then be told exactly what you have been told here. That the courts will side with thr status quo/ children’s wishes.

OP - absolutely NOTHING about what your ex wants screams this is in the best interests of the children. None of it.
Your children's views would categorically be listened to if the matter went to court.
However, I would err on the side of caution and get a Specific issue order for the school move, I wouldn't just do it. Court is a mixed bag and it really does depend on your judge on the day.
Listen to your children's views like you have done and forget about his request.

Tell him no end of. The kids don't want it and I totally understand why. He is planning to take them away from there mum half the time, say from there family home, away there friends half the time and potentially affect the social life very detrimentally so he can get what he wants. I am very pro contact but this is ridiculous and totally selfish. If he doesn't like it tell him to go to court. At there ages the courts would ask what they wanted and he would be refused it anyway.

OP it's unlikely the courts will interfere if your DC change school at there own request. The courts consider age 12 the age kids get a say in things and if it's what they want and both are happy and it doesn't affect his current contact agreement they are not likely to over rule it. Personally i would be changing my DC's school and telling him I will see him in court if he doesn't like it.

This.

you dont need to go to court to change schools

my nephew wanted to change and the school sxaid as long as one parent agrees theres nothing to stop them

So you've already moved further away a year ago & presumably he couldn't or didn't want to stop that?

What difference would it make to him/current contact if the kids change schools?

I would strongly recommend looking into a family mediator, I’m navigating a similar situation and she has been an absolute godsend. She works on behalf of the kids and is neutral to me and my ex husband and works to explain how and why the kids feel the way they do and get him to listen. She’s also very up on the current laws and family courts and so can advise what is in his best interests to maintain a good relationship with his kids. Sending hugs 🤗

I wonder how much of this plan has been run past the girlfriend “darling, wonderful news, guess who is going to come to live with us…..”

Yes, there are the threads you mentioned. And if you'd been reading them attentively they usually come about because the man expects the new partner to fund his maintenance payments to older children while paying for younger joint children out of their own pocket - often while on maternity leave or working part-time.

They’re young people with their own thoughts and feelings, not a book he’s let someone borrow and now wants returned. He has absolutely no right at this stage of their life to demand that they derail their lives and their home because he’s suddenly found another woman to palm them off to and figures that’s an easy way to cut maintenance.

Politely decline on the basis of the children’s wishes. If he persists, invite him to waste his money in court. No judge will force kids that age to go somewhere they don’t want to go.

also was advised by solicitors that court listens to what the child wants from around 11 anyway so he'd be wasting his time and money

@GrumpyPanda you're absolutely right there are lots of those one too 😩😩😩
As women we really are sold the dream and expected to be so grateful that a man wants to commit to us that women can often get tricked into being unpaid nannies etc. as if a man would ever do that for me (a single mum!)

I'm very mindful of when my ex meets a new serious gf is when he's most likely to try to start fighting for more custody of our baby (he wouldn't bother doing it now while it's such hard work and he wouldn't have anyone to help or outsource the effort to) but the child has a right to a stable life too