DP doesn't want to get married or have children

[BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica]

So, will try and condense this so it isn't a short story. Me and DP met 2 years ago and ever since then everything has been blissful happiness.

After about 6 months of been together, we discussed marriage and children out of curiosity and agreed we wanted both things. After 1 year, he randomly asked what kind of shape ring I would like if/when he proposed. We've spoken about children's names and he mentioned if we ever had a girl he would like to name it after his grandmother. I'm only mentioning all of this to give context and show that we were on the same page.

Fast forward to last weekend, we hosted a BBQ and had friends and family round - all of whom have young children/babies. Naturally, the topic of children came up and DP was asked when were we having children. He replied 'no I don't want children I'm happy with the way my life is and children will disrupt that'. I questioned it the day after and his response was 'I said that because we have not used contraception for 6 months and nothing has happened so I think I am infertile, it's easier to persuade myself that I don't want them instead of disappointing you incase I can't have them'. I let it go and that was that. I do partly believe that because I've had a couple of false positives (evap lines etc) and he was ecstatic and then heartbroken whenever period came.

Then tonight - we went out for a date night and ended up in the pub drinking too much wine. A couple came in and the woman told us she had just got engaged. I turned to DP and said oh I can't wait for it to be our turn and he replied 'I don't think I ever want to get married after I've seen what my friends have been through'. For context, one of his friends was kicked out of his marital home when his wife left him for another man and he was left with nothing.

So, AIBU for feeling disappointed that his feelings seemed to have changed and he didn't discuss with me? Does it sound like his feelings towards me have changed? We have the most amazing relationship - love his family, we go on holiday a lot and love travelling, share similar hobbies and have a really good routine living together but none of that is enough if it isn't leading to marriage and children.

He is methodically moving the goal posts and you need to take your blinders off. I think he's been telling you what you want to hear up until now, and now that he thinks he has you cornered, he's letting his mask slip. Whatever the reason, do not tolerate these bullshit games, and do not waste your fertility on a man who is jerking you around.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk about all of this and please start using contraception until you are both on the same page regarding what you both want from the future.

First post nailed it.

Don’t second guess him. Believe him.

Walk away. He doesn’t want marriage and children with you

I think the thing that got my back up the most is that he announced at the BBQ that he doesn’t want kids and it completely blindsided me. It’s like all the ways he could’ve told me and he dropped it in conversation at a family gathering. Totally respect someone’s decision to live their life how they want. However, I also have a choice as to how I live mine.

One of the women turned to me at the BBQ and said ‘oh do you not want children either then, I thought you did’ because DPs reply implied that neither of us want kids. I panicked and just said who knows what the future holds

If you haven't been using birth control for 6 months, it does imply that he is open to children. Surely if you are having unprotected sex, you've discussed it? One of my girlfriends used to tell people the same thing because she was scared she would be infertile and it would be an easier "narrative".

The marriage thing is a big problem if marriage is what you want.

Thanks for replies everyone. What the first time poster said has resonated with me and here’s why: we both have our own properties (owned) and I moved in with him in May and decided to rent my house out. As first poster said, it seems as though now I am living with him , he can really tell me how he feels without repercussions because im already here.

He did say last week when we spoke about children after the BBQ that if we manage to conceive that he will be over the moon but ‘doesn’t want to get his hopes up’. For context, I’m 27 and he is 34

Really good point @renthead and yes of course we discussed and came to a mutual agreement to stop using contraception - he was super excited at first but has seemed to convince himself that he is infertile. Even now, whenever my period is late he will make comments like ‘Well it’s a good sign isnt it’ ‘Maybe we shouldn’t have a bottle of wine tonight just incase’ or ‘The back bedroom would make a lovely nursery’ etc which is why im so confused about the comment at the BBQ

Ok,I’m wondering if the fierce strident denials are a protective mechanism
Unprotected sex, and no pg. He’s internally worried projects external don’t care. In fact he may be denying how he actually feels. In the moment of waiting on pg test you say he was excited/ecstatic. Perhaps the fierce denials are a protective shell, to mask and conceal how he’s feeling in order to minimise potential disappointment.

Frankly I would put an immediate stop to unprotected sex if he's anything less than 100 percent enthused about marriage and children.

Sorry to be boring and old-fashioned, but given your young age and no immediate fertility concerns of your own, I would absolutely be insisting on marriage before kids because you'll be royally screwed if you have kids, reduce work hours and then want to separate without being married.

Your 27 and he is 34. You both own homes. You have moved in with him.
You been in a relationship for 2 years and you had talked about getting marriage and having kids.

Instead he says that he has no interest in marriage or children at a BBQ in front of people you know.

My feeling is that he is telling you what you wanted to hear up to now. In your situation I would go back to using contraception as having a baby with him is a bad idea. You don't want to get pregnant with a man who has no interest in having kids.
I would also tell him that to announce in front of your friends at a BBQ that he has no interest in getting married and having kids made you realise that you want different things.
So your sure he understand that you have decided to end things with him because you want marriage and kid's.

I know it may not be easy to end things with him. At 27 don't waste time on a man who does not want marriage and kid's when he knows that you want this.

If marriage and kids is important to you then get married first. I read on here all the time women have kids and plan to get married later. They never do.

Thanks guys, some really great advice. I have always been dead set on getting married and having a family.

This doubt and post on MN has risen from me finding the cardboard ‘thank you’ that comes with purchases from beaverbrooks AND his comments not aligning.(I’m sure they primarily sell Engagement rings and watches). Also around 6 months ago, i noticed the ring I wear on my right ring finger was gone and reappeared. About 3 months ago , I saw him in the kitchen measuring one of my rings with a tape measure (??), he left his phone open on ‘notes’ and it had the ring measurements on there.
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Am I being totally unreasonable to think that he’s saying these things to throw me off the scent!! His mum actually mentioned in passing and said ‘it’s okay you’ll be a *SMITH soon. She had drank loads of wine and I just love it for a change when it’s not me blurting out secrets

It's all very ambiguous isn't it?

Tbh I get the no kids bravado comments at the barbecue because I used to say similar when I was single, pre kids.

I think it's time for a chat.

You need to lay your cards on the table and stop second guessing him. If you can't communicate properly and openly with each other then that's your real problem.

Am I being totally unreasonable to think that he’s saying these things to throw me off the scent!!

Given that it's provoked enough anxiety for you to post about it on Mumsnet, it would be a very twisted prank. Do you really want to be married to someone who plays with your feelings like that?!

I don't think it's a sign of a normal, healthy relationship to pretend that you have changed your mind about something as emotionally weighty as marriage and children in order to surprise your partner with a proposal. That sounds like emotional abuse to me, or someone who genuinely has no idea what he wants.

Talk about a drip feed!

You need to sit him down and tell him his comments contradict one another. I would tell him that if marriage and children aren’t ok the cards that’s fine, but I would walk away. When you’re in a serious relationship you don’t need to be “thrown off the scent” you should know where you’re both headed and tbh a proposal shouldn’t come as a surprise (although the details might).

Based on your OP alone and not the update I would have assumed his feelings have changed and he’s not told you yet. The same thing happened with an ex.

Don’t have unprotected sex with someone who doesn’t want children.

I am childless not through choice and on the children, I can empathise. It is protection, I generally don’t go around in real life saying I wish I had had children. Neither does my husband, in fact he very often says he likes our life as it is, so do I really. So I think it is plausible he is worried about fertility.

I have a harder time understanding the comment about engagement, that was pretty humiliating. Although, I do think it a bit odd that you said something about “our turn” in front of other people like that.

I think a good heart to heart is needed here.

Oh I just read your final post about “throwing you off the scent”.

Well if that is the case, I would be very wary of this man. Why is it ok for him to control the direction of your life whilst leaving you confused and insecure. This is not how you treat an equal partner, it is awful behaviour. Run.

Even if it is defensive behaviour on his part that doesn’t make it ok. Tell him; you threw me under a bus the other day and I covered for you. How do you think I felt as the woman who is actively planning a baby with you to hear you say you don’t want them? I covered for you when she said don’t you want them either to me, but next time I will say hell yes I want babies, this is a total 180 on his part, a total dickhead move to come out with it on public and it’s a dealbreaker to be honest. So I’m a bit upset.
I also want to be married.which you have now recently publicly said isn’t on the cards for you either. So I’m doing some serious thinking right now, neither of these two events- getting married or trying for a baby , I say trying because yes you never know what may happen, are negotiable for me. If you have changed your mind on them tell me now. If you’ve had a secret vasectomy tell me now.

If marriage is something you are dead set on then do not try to conceive pre-marriage as marrying is then very unlikely to happen. Take it from me, together 21 years now, 3 kids and no wedding! However we made the decision together to have kids first and kids was also far more important to me than marriage.

You need to sit him down, both lay out your cards and communicate. Tell him you are going to start using contraception again until you are married. Marriage can only happen if he commits to wanting children.

I'd be mighty miffed with my partner if he'd ever openly said he didn't want kids to our friends without telling me first regardless if it was lies. If you were to fall pregnant next month and subsequently then announce it to everyone it's going to make you look like you've trapped him.

OPI think you should walk away from this relationship and get on with your life. Honestly, I’m 20 years older than you and this ambiguity/double speak isn’t what a person says or does when they’ve met someone they love and want to spend their life with. If he wanted to get married and bring up a family with you, he’d be pulling out all the stops to reach those goals.

This messing around is a huge red flag. please start using contraception and make your exit plan, he’s wasting your time.

Well he can change his mind but not string you along.

You're only 27 there's no rush.

I would have a very frank convo with him. He cannot be going around saying in public he doesn't want children if he does just as a coping mechanism. Life is challenging and getting pregnant when you want it is not always as straightforward as you think, but there are better ways of dealing with it.

The “I don’t want to have kids” might be bravado but “I don’t want to get married to protect my assets “ is not: thats very specific and denies you any special role in his life. You are just one of those women who marry men and steal their stuff in the divorce. How demeaning to be treated this way!

gosh thanks for the last few helpful omments issued - taken all aboad. We are selling tomorrow morning so I’ll see what happens if I’m sober enough