DP doesn't want to get married or have children

[BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica]

So, will try and condense this so it isn't a short story. Me and DP met 2 years ago and ever since then everything has been blissful happiness.

After about 6 months of been together, we discussed marriage and children out of curiosity and agreed we wanted both things. After 1 year, he randomly asked what kind of shape ring I would like if/when he proposed. We've spoken about children's names and he mentioned if we ever had a girl he would like to name it after his grandmother. I'm only mentioning all of this to give context and show that we were on the same page.

Fast forward to last weekend, we hosted a BBQ and had friends and family round - all of whom have young children/babies. Naturally, the topic of children came up and DP was asked when were we having children. He replied 'no I don't want children I'm happy with the way my life is and children will disrupt that'. I questioned it the day after and his response was 'I said that because we have not used contraception for 6 months and nothing has happened so I think I am infertile, it's easier to persuade myself that I don't want them instead of disappointing you incase I can't have them'. I let it go and that was that. I do partly believe that because I've had a couple of false positives (evap lines etc) and he was ecstatic and then heartbroken whenever period came.

Then tonight - we went out for a date night and ended up in the pub drinking too much wine. A couple came in and the woman told us she had just got engaged. I turned to DP and said oh I can't wait for it to be our turn and he replied 'I don't think I ever want to get married after I've seen what my friends have been through'. For context, one of his friends was kicked out of his marital home when his wife left him for another man and he was left with nothing.

So, AIBU for feeling disappointed that his feelings seemed to have changed and he didn't discuss with me? Does it sound like his feelings towards me have changed? We have the most amazing relationship - love his family, we go on holiday a lot and love travelling, share similar hobbies and have a really good routine living together but none of that is enough if it isn't leading to marriage and children.

I sctually think its a mix of fear of infertility and disappointing OP and being an absolute shit as well. I’m so sorry, OP, but its so much better to find out now and choose to leave than slowly sink into the quicksand he is creating in which he won’t admit to any shared reality.

@BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica
How can time have been wasted in a relationship that brought you happiness and pleasure?

Because she thought they were building towards the same future - marriage and kids

He's now said he's never had any intention of marrying her. She must have imagined that. And not exactly chomping at the bit for kids

How can she look back on this relationship with happiness when it's now shrouded in lies. What else was a lie told to keep her quiet?

Thank god you didn’t get pregnant. You are doing the right thing, I’m so sorry this has happened. I think in future I’d be waiting for the ring before trying to have babies. You can see how easily a fickle man can change his tune. I’m actually stunned someone can do this to someone else.

50/50 on children yet he's happy to have unprotected sex! How completely selfish of him.

OP, are you paying him "rent"?

Completely agree @sodthesodoff

Lucky escape Op - as hard as it is now, you'll be much happier in the long run with someone who truly loves & respects you. Someone who values your happiness as much as their own and is honest with you.

Now I’m blowing this out of proportion apparently and not thinking rationally. Talk about gas lighting someone!

Nope

He's pretending you're getting it all out of proportion, pretending he never really wanted it. Trying to make you feel you're the unreasonable one.

That's gaslighting - and it's a common theme on Mumsnet.

Has he tried DARVO? - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender? Is this 'all your fault' perhaps? Again, an old old story here.

Please go all out to get your house back.

Your real future is calling you - not the smoke and mirrors he was playing to get you where he wanted you.

I am actually really annoyed for you now. You had convos before and he said he wants marriage and children. Now that the truth comes out, he tries to blame you for taking action as a result of his lies. Bullshit!

This is hardly something that can be blown out of proportion though - it's already so huge. Making the decision to marry (not just the fairytale, but the legally binding contract) and committing to having children are two extremely important things in a person's life.

Your eyes are wide open now and you can make your own decisions about the rest of your life, which doesn't include this faker who has absolutely no respect for you.

I'm sure you'll have a more rewarding and happier future without him @BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica 🌹

Absolutely.

My ex used to make me think I was unreasonable for wanting marriage. Even though most of his friends had already tied the knot.

I think that you were very honest with him about wanting marriage and children. He asked you to move into his home. You saw this a a sign that your relationship was going somewhere. He then said what he said at the BBQ.
You decided to have it out with him on your own in private.

Some how you dreamed that he said he wanted marriage and kid's. He wants a woman in his life to have sex with, do his cooking, laundry, help pay his bills and go places with. He is getting to the age that his friends are either in relationships, getting married and having kid's so they are not around as much.
He moved you into his home to keep you in his life.
At least he said what he did at the BBQ and it led to you asking him about marriage and kid's.

He has no one to blame but himself for you ending things with him. You were honest unlike him. I know it hard when a relationship that you thought was serious and going somewhere ends but you did the right thing telling him it was over.
I would try to move back into your home as soon as you can.

One of my friends was told over 20 years ago by her fiancé that he did not want to get married 2 months before the wedding. Like you she wanted marriage and kid's. She was very upset at the time but a few months later she realised it was better that the broke up.
She went on to meet a far better man who wanted the same as her. She is now married with 2 kid's. I wanted to tell her story to show it can get better for you and you deserve more than that waste of space.

Certainly, here's a sentence reflecting that sentiment:
"DP has made it clear that they do not want to get married or have children."

I certainly hope you are leaving this lying piece of shit immediately.

@sodthesodoff
Does that mean that there can be no joy, happiness, or pleasure in a relationship that does not end in marriage or children? Does the determinant of happiness and joy
have to be delayed until such time as marriage takes place?

Does that mean that every "I love you" or "that was fun," was a lie?

What should happen if examination indicates that the OP is infertile? Should the partner not want to marry her because of the possibility of never having his own children? Would that make the time that they spent together a " time wasting experience? "

Such a sad way to evaluate your life experiences. To deny a journey fills with smiles, happiness, and pleasure simply because you did not end up at your expected destination seems to me a very sad analysis of ones life.

Life provides no guarantees to anyone, but the lucky ones of us do get to experience happiness along the way. I have no idea if the OP should leave or stay with this man, but I do know with absolute certainty that which option that she chooses will come with no guarantee of the ending that she wants nor will the next journey be guaranteed to be happier or better. So why marginalize or denigrate past happiness? It was what it was.

@Mari9999 no don't be stupid

But one where her partner said he wanted to get married and have kids. Then later says actually I don't. And gaslights her saying it never happened is not a good relationship

One where he deliberately left out clues of ring shopping and hinting at an engagement when he had no intention of proposing. That's grade A level deception.

It's not the fact the relationship has not ended in marriage and kids. But he has lied about what he wants. How can she be sure anything he said was true

He's a gaslighting shit trying to pretend he was drunk when he said he'd marry her

You may want to look back fondly on him but I have higher standards.

Blowing it out of proportion doesn't fit here. The things you both want aren't compatible and they aren't things that you can reach a compromise about.

OP I really feel for you. what an absolute head fuck he's been to you 😒

You've done nothing wrong and you've not blown things out of proportion at all. he's completely blindsided you and told you everything you wanted to hear when in reality he didn't mean those things at all.

run for the hills OP, you are young and will find the perfect partner to marry and have kids with. not someone that will sweet talk his way into your life and then change his mind

@sodthesodoff
My standards are grounded enough to know that people bring complexities and fluctuations to a relationship. I also try to be honest with myself in assessing experiences and activities. I really that feelings and expectations can change and that does not necessarily imply duplicity or underhanded dealings. A partner may have started out certain that he wanted children only to realize as he had more life experiences that he is either not ready or no longer feels a need or desire to be a parent. He or she after living together may also feel ambivalent about marriage or marriage with this particular person.

I don't think that the changes that come with evolving self awareness are any form of self serving or shady behavior.

My standards don't require that I blame someone because our goals did not continue to mesh. It does not sound as though any definitive goal planning ever took place. It sounds as though it was more of fantasizing about what I might one day want, wine fueled discussion, and playing Sherlock with a box and a misplaced ring.

None of that sounds like 2 adults planning a real future, bug none of that suggests that they did not have happy and even memorable moments along the way.

i would dump him for the blowing it out of proportion comment alone. How dare he?? it's a massive life changing deal.

@Mari9999 mate whatever

The op said he was discussing what shape engagement ring she wanted and children names. Now he's saying he never did and gaslighting her

Nothing wrong with changing your mind by the way. But there's something very wrong with pretending you never said it and making out like the other person is crazy

If that sounds like your kind of man knock yourself out. You sound like a perfect match

Hear hear @sodthesodoff

@Mari9999 stop posturing about how enlightened you are in relationships because you’re literally trying to gaslight the OP about whether or not her partner abruptly and unsympathetically did a U-turn on what he wants from the relationship.

Your last post conveniently left out the discussion about coming off contraception, the discussions after each period, the ring measuring and notes, the ex’s own mother anticipating an engagement and presumably other conversations that the OP hasn’t listed. All in service of you trying to downplay the very real hurt the OP is feeling right now so you can be “right” about whether she should be philosophical about two years spent with someone with incompatible goals for the relationship when she could have been with or looking for someone on the same page.

If he’d really had a change of heart and wasn’t a prick he would have compassionately told the OP that his feelings had changed rather than pretending he simply always felt this way and dismissing her hurt. That’s what colours her memories of the relationship negatively. If you can’t grasp that and show some sympathy for someone who’s hurting, you should follow the advice of @sodthesodoff ’s user name.