DP doesn't want to get married or have children

[BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica]

So, will try and condense this so it isn't a short story. Me and DP met 2 years ago and ever since then everything has been blissful happiness.

After about 6 months of been together, we discussed marriage and children out of curiosity and agreed we wanted both things. After 1 year, he randomly asked what kind of shape ring I would like if/when he proposed. We've spoken about children's names and he mentioned if we ever had a girl he would like to name it after his grandmother. I'm only mentioning all of this to give context and show that we were on the same page.

Fast forward to last weekend, we hosted a BBQ and had friends and family round - all of whom have young children/babies. Naturally, the topic of children came up and DP was asked when were we having children. He replied 'no I don't want children I'm happy with the way my life is and children will disrupt that'. I questioned it the day after and his response was 'I said that because we have not used contraception for 6 months and nothing has happened so I think I am infertile, it's easier to persuade myself that I don't want them instead of disappointing you incase I can't have them'. I let it go and that was that. I do partly believe that because I've had a couple of false positives (evap lines etc) and he was ecstatic and then heartbroken whenever period came.

Then tonight - we went out for a date night and ended up in the pub drinking too much wine. A couple came in and the woman told us she had just got engaged. I turned to DP and said oh I can't wait for it to be our turn and he replied 'I don't think I ever want to get married after I've seen what my friends have been through'. For context, one of his friends was kicked out of his marital home when his wife left him for another man and he was left with nothing.

So, AIBU for feeling disappointed that his feelings seemed to have changed and he didn't discuss with me? Does it sound like his feelings towards me have changed? We have the most amazing relationship - love his family, we go on holiday a lot and love travelling, share similar hobbies and have a really good routine living together but none of that is enough if it isn't leading to marriage and children.

Haven’t read the whole thread but my now DH (second time for both) started saying things like “never again” and “we are happy as we are” when marriage was brought up (mostly by his dad). He said after proposing he wanted to do it on his own terms and time - not through pressure from other people. Could it be that?

I would be wary about the not wanting to get married because his friend left with nothing.
The only way that happened is if there was nothing of worth in the first place I.e no equity in the house, no savings, investments or pensions, no cars, furniture etc or He signed everything over to her of his own free will. In which case that is up to him

Courts start at 50/50 to divide all marital assets and want to see that both parties going forward have a way to put a roof over their heads. What someone did or didn’t do is not something the courts consider.

No court is going to strip a person of whatever money was in their pension scheme. So I think that his mate is either a made up person or is lying

About 3 months ago , I saw him in the kitchen measuring one of my rings with a tape measure (??), he left his phone open on ‘notes’ and it had the ring measurements on there

He is playing with you.

That would have me walk away immediately. He is enjoying seeing your anticipation and then disappointment and then excitement and coming up with new ways to control your feelings.
Its all a big game to him.

If he found someone who wanted the marriage and children life and wasn’t going to move in or play along with his games then you would be home and he would be married and a father

He isn’t that into you but enjoys the life for now and the games he plays.

Please don’t start trying for a baby until you’re engaged at the very least! Just sit down with him and ask him outright. And be prepared to leave if he isn’t on the same page, and let him know this. My friend has had a baby with her DP who didn’t believe in marriage and now she is in a very precarious position as no claim on their property. It’s shit. Marriage first, then babies, unless you’re independently wealthy and can afford to raise your kids alone.

So you’re TTC as you’ve mutually agreed to not use contraception for the last six months yet he doesn’t want kids?! No wonder you’re confused, anyone would be. He doesn’t sound great and I’d be questioning if I wanted to marry and have kids with him anyway.

This happened to my friend, they’ve been together 22 years. No engagement ring, no children. He’s living the life he wanted and she is still holding on to “it could happen”. She’s 47, he’s 52. He never had any intention of marriage and babies, despite him often saying that was his plan. I hate him.

Hmm, unlike some, I don't think he's dileberately set out to deceive you. I think initially he didn't know what he wanted (with you) then thought, yeah, I want marriage and family. You've been trying for a baby and it hasn't happened yet. I think that's his concern. He's thinking he might have infertility problems and he's unsure if he can place that 'burden' on you knowing its what you want. Let's say he was unable to have children. Would you want to stick with him and marry? Have you told him that? What if you were infertile?

It's odd that he mentioned it at the party...he was wrong to do so but in the same way you were blind sided, he might have been too. Your reaction was to appease and pleasantly smooth over things, his was defensive and to pretend he didn't care. That's wrong and unfair. He knows that now. Give it a few weeks in case there's any specific dates you think he might pop the q, if nothing then you ask him. Assuming he says yes allow him to take first step in making it happen. If neither of those work out the way you hoped it's time to move on.

So he bought a ring when you stopped using contraception?

Perhaps he thought/hoped you would get pregnant quickly and he planned to propose when it happened, all very romantic in his eyes.

Either or neither of you might be infertile, wonder why he thinks it's him.

and This

The comment at the BBQ about not wanting children would have left me feeling both very upset and very very angry.
How dare he play with your feelings like that and doing it in public.
It’s downright disrespectful and callous.
You need a full and frank discussion about he’s really feeling.
Make sure he knows how deeply his words hurt you and you will not tolerate him behaving like that again.

THIS!!

@BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica

He could have said "we hope to have children one day, but we're not in a rush" which would have quietened down the questions.

Instead he very bluntly said "no I don't want children I'm happy with the way my life is and children will disrupt that'

Where are you in his response to them - it's all about him? You must have felt crushed and confused hearing him respond so negatively so publicly.

I'm another one who says put an immediate brake on trying to conceive (belt and braces, so doubling up on contraception) until you both have a proper, open discussion and agreement on this. Do not let there be any possibility of you literally being left holding the baby because he's changed his mind about children with you or with anyone, and certainly about being married to you.

I think someone upthread suggested checking your fertility (yours and his) so you have a clearer idea whether or not there might be a problem with the two of you having babies. Perhaps you could discuss this with him.

I also agree you both need to have honest, open communication - there's little chance of a good relationship otherwise, babies or not. 🌹

The willingness to go without contraception and his reaction to your false positives sounds as if he is indeed in some form of anxiety / denial / gaslighting himself about children.

Which means that he may also be in the same state about marriage: can’t believe he can be happy, is afraid of divorce etc.

Basically gripped by some kind of fear of failure.

I would have some deep talks with him. Telling himself he doesn’t want kids rather than seek fertility advice, he seems very afraid of facing upset and loss.

Counselling?

if marriage is important to you then i'm confused about why you are trying to get pregnant when you aren't even engaged???? Your posts give the impression of a man trying to keep the woman he loves but he's not actually truly up for marriage or children....he's in his mid 30's so he should really know what he wants by now! get back on contraception asap until you know what his real intentions are!!

Is he waiting to see if you are the one with fertility issues before fully committing?

Op as you’ve seen on the thread there could be a range of explanations to what he says - from he does want kids but is ashamed there might be something wrong with him so was put on the spot by friends so made the not wanting children comments to he’s a future faker, has never wanted kids and has just been stringing you along.

one thing that we can tell is he’s terrible at communicating and you’d be within your rights to end the relationship based on that alone. I would actually attempt to have one conversation with him, try to get him to open up what he really wants and tell him that you want marriage and children as was agreed at the start. Then I would set a date by which if you haven’t got the proposal (and potential wedding date) I would leave. Don’t tell him that date, you want to know that he’s proposing because he wants to not because you’ve given him a deadline. You could give notice to your tenants so that you have somewhere to go to if he doesn’t propose.

op you’re still young enough to get what you want but don’t stay with this guy for a decade.

About 3 months ago , I saw him in the kitchen measuring one of my rings with a tape measure (??), he left his phone open on ‘notes’ and it had the ring measurements on there..
So he plays mind games with you too to keep stringing you along.
I’d be saying enough is enough and ending it. Life’s too short for being manipulated by someone like him.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Dump him and look for somebody who fits your life goals better. You can't change someone to fit your requirements, you need to be picky and find someone who fits your requirements first.

Marriage and then children was a none negotiable for me when I was dating & my now dh fit the bill. I binned a lot at early dating stage because it was important to me.

You need to start getting picky and bin him and start using contraception and also get an STD test as well.

This, this, this.

You're only 27. Listen to the wise women of MN. At the very least, start using contraception again and set deadlines in your head for engagement and a wedding BEFORE you try for a baby.

On the flip side the two things could be connected. If he believes he is infertile which by his actions it seems he does believe that and his ego is dented so believes he can't fully be a husband without being able to give you the children you want. Or everyone else could be right either way a major talk is needed

I think it’s self protection re the kids and throwing you off the scent re engagement. The idiot doesn’t understand that the two combined is really worrying for you. Communicate and have a frank duscussion.

First post nailed it.

Plus, I suspect he knows he has fertility issues or has quietly had a vasectomy...

I would buy some condoms and tell him you'll be using them because marriage is important to you and if he doesn't want to marry you then trying for a baby is a non starter. Then get some additional contraception sorted to be absolutely sure.

How quickly can you get your house back?

Believe him.

Take back your house and move back in.

Making an announcement in front of everyone, putting you in shock ...

He's flaky and everything you say suggests he isn't husband and father material.

At 27 you've got time to find someone who wants what you do.

Resume using contraception now and continue to use it diligently until you have sorted out the bigger picture.

If he really is worried that he's infertile, then you have a rather different issue than if he's just dicking you around. And you'll find that out by communication. And if he won't talk to you properly now, and agree mutual plans including what is fair to say to third parties, then it'll only get worse when you have a DC's interests to consider as well. Listen carefully, think even more carefully.