DP doesn't want to get married or have children

[BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica]

So, will try and condense this so it isn't a short story. Me and DP met 2 years ago and ever since then everything has been blissful happiness.

After about 6 months of been together, we discussed marriage and children out of curiosity and agreed we wanted both things. After 1 year, he randomly asked what kind of shape ring I would like if/when he proposed. We've spoken about children's names and he mentioned if we ever had a girl he would like to name it after his grandmother. I'm only mentioning all of this to give context and show that we were on the same page.

Fast forward to last weekend, we hosted a BBQ and had friends and family round - all of whom have young children/babies. Naturally, the topic of children came up and DP was asked when were we having children. He replied 'no I don't want children I'm happy with the way my life is and children will disrupt that'. I questioned it the day after and his response was 'I said that because we have not used contraception for 6 months and nothing has happened so I think I am infertile, it's easier to persuade myself that I don't want them instead of disappointing you incase I can't have them'. I let it go and that was that. I do partly believe that because I've had a couple of false positives (evap lines etc) and he was ecstatic and then heartbroken whenever period came.

Then tonight - we went out for a date night and ended up in the pub drinking too much wine. A couple came in and the woman told us she had just got engaged. I turned to DP and said oh I can't wait for it to be our turn and he replied 'I don't think I ever want to get married after I've seen what my friends have been through'. For context, one of his friends was kicked out of his marital home when his wife left him for another man and he was left with nothing.

So, AIBU for feeling disappointed that his feelings seemed to have changed and he didn't discuss with me? Does it sound like his feelings towards me have changed? We have the most amazing relationship - love his family, we go on holiday a lot and love travelling, share similar hobbies and have a really good routine living together but none of that is enough if it isn't leading to marriage and children.

There is an episode of friends where chandler does exactly this to Monica - throws her off the scent when he's about to propose and is actually nasty to her. Some absolute weird guys thinking this is a good idea!

You need to just have a really clear conversation with him and set some deadlines in your head abiut when you'll move out . At 27 if he's not certain then you have 15 more years to find the man of your dreams to get married and have a family with - you have sow many options. But yes do rule out it's not a surprise and you might want to specifically name it and say 'don't do that to me it won't make me happy it's too serious to be a surprise'

The 'I think I might be infertile' js pathetic- just go to a clinic and get yourself both tested if that's the issue.

Whatever his motivations he's a bit weird op ! Keep us updated!

He does not sound like a decent and honest man, he sounds like a future faker.
Fortunately you are young enough that he will struggle to run your fertility clock down before you leave him and find a man who wants the same out of life that you do.

I think you need to seriously think about the qualities you want from a partner. Do you want a flip flopper who will constantly have you on the back foot, do you want someone who will announce in public that he doesn’t want kids without talking to you first, do want a future faker? If so, as you were. You are supposed to be a partnership, if he has concerns about fertility why won’t/ can’t he discuss that with you? If he has concerns about ‘being taken to the cleaners’ why hasn’t he discussed that with you?

There is an immaturity to this man that doesn’t bode well for a healthy adult relationship. Flip flopping men with terrible communication skills tend to stay that way. Trust me I have been there, having a supposed partner who has no problem discussing your relationship with anybody else than you, is incredibly painful and humiliating.

Don't have unprotected sex unless you are absolutely sure you would be happy ending up as an unmarried single parent.

Don't confuse engagement with marriage.
Lots of men use engagement as more future-faking: a way to keep their comfortable live-in cleaner / cook / sex-partner in place as long as possible.

Don't assume that you have 10-15 years to tolerate being messed about - lots of women think that waiting until late thirties is fine, then end up unable to have children. Fertility starts to decline from early thirties.

My advice would be to say to him that you need a break from the relationship and will be moving out while you both consider what you really want - into a rental asap whilst you wait for your own house to become vacant.
If he is serious he will go into action to keep you - but don't move back in with him until you are actually married - not engaged but married!
THEN start trying to conceive.
There are very good financial and legal reasons for doing things in this order.

Meanwhile if you want to put your mind at rest about your own fertility, you could look into private medical tests - I have no idea what that would involve.

Beware the future faker ...

The man who dangles the marriage mirage and the maybe baby in front of you until ... one day ...

You realise it's too late.

Time's run out for you to be the wife and mum you so desperately crave to be.

That family life that's your dream clearly isn't his.

And unlike so many women here you have the good fortune to know this now, while you're young.

Don't be wasting your youth on a flip-flopper who doesn't whole heartedly share your dream.

And if you're worried you might be infertile - no what-ifs, take your future into your own hands and get tested.

Thanks everyone. Had another chat this morning and it didn’t go very well. He said again ‘I am happy with the way things are’ no mention of me. All I, I, I. I told him marriage and children are really important to me and he just shrugged his shoulders. Didn’t even try or attempt to salvage the conversation. Packed a bag and staying with a friend for a few days.

Honestly @BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica its so much better to split now than to fall for the sunk cost fallacy and waste even more of your fertile years on him.

You've moved in and rented out your own home; that's why he's waited for you to find out now how he really feels. he's happy. he has regular sex, someone to 'share' the cooking, cleaning duties, etc. He doesn't give a shit about you and what you thought you'd agreed your future together would look like.

Get your house back.

You've done the right thing OP. You're 27, have your own house and plenty of time to meet someone who wants the same things as you.

As hard as it is... walk away...

He's set his stall out, if you go back and waste your fertile years you cant say he mislead you.

I think that's a good move @BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica

Give yourself time to think. Though I suspect that shrug might tell you all you need to know. See how it all looks in a few days

Keep on running, op. Believe him. Trust what he's saying and what his actions are. You will waste years of your life on this man if you don't leave him, right now. His mask has fully slipped. He only cares about himself.

I really would not trust this bloke with my future.

Absolutely!!

@BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica - in your shoes I'd walk away now. Get a flatshare until you can get back into your house. Don't let him mess you around. Words are cheap, it's actions that count - and beware of more future-faking.

(Issue a Section 21 notice now to ensure the tenants move out at the end of the tenancy term. Or invoke the break clause if there is one in your AST agreement.)

Move on and find the right man for you. He doesn't want the same things you want but has let you think he does to keep you dangling. You've wasted enough time on him. In your shoes, I'd serve the tenant notice and then move back in to your home.

For whatever reason he has shut down and withdrawn from you and has made his position clear. He knows he has changed but he was hoping tou wouldn’t notice.

Now you know that he doesn't want same things, he only cares about himself. Please don't sacrifice your need for marriage and children for anybody.

Has he had a vasectomy that he’s keeping quiet about

i know very nosey but why try to get pregnant when not married or engaged. i know its 2023 but......

I'm so sorry OP - but its better to be starting again at 27 than 37

Staying with a friend really is the best thing to do for now

Either it’s the beginning of the end and you’ll escape his lies

Or, if he’s some immature fuckwit who thinks “throwing you off the scent” is a good idea it’ll give him a massive kick up the arse and he’ll realise that he just can’t do that

I think you've done the right thing.

Although anyone can retain the right to change their mind, what they do then is talk to their OH about it, not blurt out at a BBQ that they don't want children, with no reference to their OH beforehand. Not saying casually they no longer want to get married, as though they hadn't thought to mention it to the other person.

I could just about believe his reason for the resposne at the BBQ. He could genuinely want children, and when someone said it in public (I hate it when thoughtless people ask questions like that) he felt under pressure and wanted to take the pressure off but saying 'not sure we want them really'. It was upsetting for you, but could be true and forgiveable.

Except that he's also gone cold on marriage. And seems to have come to a decision in his head without any reference to you. And didn't seem to think he needed to tell you that he no longer wants to marry you. Also, his efforts at hinting he's about to propose are so blatantly obvious I think he set them up so you would find them. Which means he was either manipulting you to think it's about to happen as some form of keeping you happy (but without ever actually proposing) or, much worse, playing with your head.

Good for you, OP. You need some time apart for you both to consider what you really want. As PP’s have said, people are allowed to change their minds, but they need to be honest with their partners- anything else is disrespectful.

Either he’s going to realize that he’s messed up and make amends, or he’s not. If not, you’ve had a lucky eacape (even if it doesn’t feel that way right now). 💐 You deserve honesty and respect from your partner.

I can’t work out whether it’s you or him who packed a bag and went to a friend’s house but either way the space will probably do you some good.

27 is absolutely no age to be “starting over” so cut your losses and walk away because this isn’t going to end happily.

Absolutely. Give notice to your tenants and move back in.

Please don't waste any more of your fertile years!