DP doesn't want to get married or have children

[BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica]

So, will try and condense this so it isn't a short story. Me and DP met 2 years ago and ever since then everything has been blissful happiness.

After about 6 months of been together, we discussed marriage and children out of curiosity and agreed we wanted both things. After 1 year, he randomly asked what kind of shape ring I would like if/when he proposed. We've spoken about children's names and he mentioned if we ever had a girl he would like to name it after his grandmother. I'm only mentioning all of this to give context and show that we were on the same page.

Fast forward to last weekend, we hosted a BBQ and had friends and family round - all of whom have young children/babies. Naturally, the topic of children came up and DP was asked when were we having children. He replied 'no I don't want children I'm happy with the way my life is and children will disrupt that'. I questioned it the day after and his response was 'I said that because we have not used contraception for 6 months and nothing has happened so I think I am infertile, it's easier to persuade myself that I don't want them instead of disappointing you incase I can't have them'. I let it go and that was that. I do partly believe that because I've had a couple of false positives (evap lines etc) and he was ecstatic and then heartbroken whenever period came.

Then tonight - we went out for a date night and ended up in the pub drinking too much wine. A couple came in and the woman told us she had just got engaged. I turned to DP and said oh I can't wait for it to be our turn and he replied 'I don't think I ever want to get married after I've seen what my friends have been through'. For context, one of his friends was kicked out of his marital home when his wife left him for another man and he was left with nothing.

So, AIBU for feeling disappointed that his feelings seemed to have changed and he didn't discuss with me? Does it sound like his feelings towards me have changed? We have the most amazing relationship - love his family, we go on holiday a lot and love travelling, share similar hobbies and have a really good routine living together but none of that is enough if it isn't leading to marriage and children.

He sounds like a future-faker, OP. They like to string women along making promises about the future while hoping to stall them long enough that issues like children disappear. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if he’d already had a vasectomy and that’s why he’s weird and theatrical about the pregnancy tests. It’s in the future-faker playbook, unfortunately.

At the very least you need to be nailing him down on intentions and timelines. I’d probably also drop that you’re halfway to the 12 months of no conception needed to start fertility investigations and see how he reacts to that. But also, he’s older than you and already being slippery. Is that what you want?

@HamBone is right in her excellent post. This is not how men act when they want to build a life with you. This is more how they act when they want to keep you around as an accessory.

For context, one of his friends was kicked out of his marital home when his wife left him for another man and he was left with nothing.

I just want to query as well. The framing casts the friend as an absolute victim but a few details could change the perspective a great deal...

• Did the wife remain in the marital home because there are young children involved and she's the primary parent?
• Does 'left with nothing' actually mean 'did not get an immediate payout because a court prevented his children's home from being sold for a number of years?'
• Not excusing affairs, but do you know for sure that the friend was a good husband and the wife didn't have an 'exit affair', ie a relationship that helped her leave a miserable/abusive marriage that she was stuck in due to financial vulnerability from being a stay-at-home-mum and not able to pay the mortgage on the family home by herself?

Hi OP sorry this has happened but at least you have found this out before you got pregnant.

I got engaged before we moved in together because I wanted to be married / have that coming imminently before I went all in with my now husband. We were married before I got pregnant.

Next time round you can do things differently if they matter to you this much.

He is being an arse and I'd be devastated sorry op. I would struggle to trust he knows what he wants now which to me would be a sign of weakness which would give me the ick.

Why don't you sit him down and actually discusss these issues with him? No-one on MN is going to be able to read his mind.

Totally agree with this. You need to have a “ balls on the table” conversation, so to speak.

Well maybe I'm naive but I think your DP hasn't changed his mind. His reaction every month is more authentic than a public comment at a ɓbq (he's hardly going to announce "We've been trying for months but I'm firing blanks")

If he knows marriage is important to you I would guess you want a romantic proposal. Stop pushing and it's more likely to happen. Concern about his fertility might have made him feel that tying you to an engagement isn't fair. So sit down for an honest discussion, decide what order you would like things and a reasonable time frame. Good luck

I think, as other posters have said, this is all a defence mechanism to protect himself over his disappointment over feeling unable to have children. He may very well be feeling devastated at the thought of being infertile and the last thing he wants to deal with is his friends and family knowing he wanted children and was unable to. The marriage comment may also be linked to this, is he thinking children are important to her and if I can't give them to her she will leave so why put myself through the pain? Or I need to allow her to marry and build a life with someone who can give her children? Talk to him. This may not be a deliberate shifting of the goal posts that it seems.

To be blunt I would gently talk to him and book a fertility appointment with the dr before deciding whether to marry him.

Having children seems extremely important to you, in your place I would want to know if there is a medical issue and save myself decades of heartache before considering marriage with him.

I agree with pp he sounds defensive and worried re conceiving. If he chooses not to attend the drs you have your answer.

You need to improve your communication skills and start speaking openly and honestly. You should be having detailed, robust conversations about everything.

I totally agree with this. It sounds like your dp does want to have children and maybe not get engaged until he knows he can have give you them? Maybe there's a reason he's worried, family with infertility, age, previous sti? To me, it sounds like he wants them and is protecting himself. Just have an open and honest conversation. These times in life are exciting and nerve-wracking. Also, he might be trying to gauge your reaction to a future proposal if he's been measuring for a ring etc. Maybe he's worried you'll turn him down? To me, it sounds like he's just not great at talking about feelings. I used to worry I couldn't have kids and often if people asked I said I didn't want them in social situations. It's just an easy way to shut down a conversation rather than going into details. His behaviour to you is what matters. Just check in with him that you're still on the same page in a light way. No need to make a big deal.

Don't have a child with this man before the marriage question is resolved hon, I'd start taking the contraception again if I were you 💐

You're trying for a baby, but he doesn't want to get married?

And he tells friends he doesn't want children in case he's infertile?

There is something v odd about this man

If you want marriage and a baby, why are you trying for a baby without marriage?

If marriage is really important to you it’s a really bad idea to have a child without it. So many women want marriage (and if you are having children you should want it as it’s your career that’s damaged) and have babies first, then find themselves 5 years down the line still unmarried and he isn’t that fussed anymore.

You need a proper sober conversation. And you need to be not having a child if you also want to be married. It’s going to be really easy for him to say ‘of course I want to get married, I was just a bit drunk’, then get you pregnant and put it off and put it off.

I think there’s a fair chance if he is sizing / measuring rings that he’s saying this marriage stuff so his proposal is a surprise.

Regardless, the solution is the same. A proper sit-down conversation. Tell him you want to get married and if he doesn’t the relationship is at risk. That you’d rather have certainty than months of agonising followed by a big reveal.

He’s manipulating you, you can feel it but you are hoping thats not the case.

Do you really want a man who thinks so little of you to do this to you?

I really recommend you get married before continuing TTC.

Also, don't wait around hoping he's secretly planning a surprise proposal. Sorry but that's a mug's game.

Just sit him down over a cup of tea and say "do you want to marry me or not? I'd like to marry you. But if you don't, then we no longer want the same thing".

Have the same conversation about having a baby, either at the same time or separately.

If he doesn't respond well, openly and honestly, to the above question then he is NOT a man you want to be having kids with. If so, you're still young so you can find a better one.

You need to sit him down and get to the bottom of this. If he's stringing you along, be clear with him.

The kid part I can understand. He's protecting himself right now cause he's worried you have not gotten pregnant yet (even though it can take up to a year for a couple with no fertility issues).

But the marriage one is awful and I'd be bringing that up.

There is also the possibility the wedding comment is just trying to throw you off the scent. I would personally set a time frame for proposal in my head and if not mer have a hard discussion. I would also stop TTC until married (as that’s what you want).

Am I being totally unreasonable to think that he’s saying these things to throw me off the scent!!

Pretty shitty way of going about it. Saying them for the first time in front of family and friends is cruel.

Start using contraception. He is not being emotionally honest and you don't want to be pregnant and unmarried in those circumstances.

Side note - boozing doesn't help conception. If you want a smooth journey to having a baby, both of you need to look at how you look after yourselves to achieve that. But sort out the relationship before you have any more unprotected sex.

Yes, I think you need a proper conversation. he is sending very mixed messages for whatever reason and if this relationship is going to work, there needs to be greater clarity between you.

Go back onto contraceptives until he proposes and you set the date. Tell him your reasoning and that you are happy to live with him for one year unbetrothed.
Agree to protect each other's homes - ie if you are unlucky enough to split up trust that both of you will still own your properties and that decisions that you make while together will not hamper that.
Remember that you were drinking when some truthes were said. They are not necessarily true comments.

Why would you ever plan to have a baby (and go off contraceptives before marriage) with a man whom you hoped to marry?
Explanations to friends should be simple ..
"We're not married - babies are not on the cards yet."

I don't know why your friends would ask, and pressure you, when they know you have not made a committment to be a long term legal couple.

Stop ttc! Unwise to ttc before marriage when motherhood usually comes with a huge economic penalty. Even with a fully committed, reliable partner, which your boyfriend clearly isn’t

Stop trying to get pregnant, tell anyone that asks you don't want kids till you are married, and set a timeline you are happy with where you leave if no proposal.

It is possible he wants it to be a surprise, it is possible he is answering questions about kids like that out of fear. BUT you have to put a time on how long you are prepared to wait.

Why is there still all this drama over waiting for a romantic proposal? I coyly waited 5 years for a marriage proposal with lots of hints dropped by him over the years. I got fed up and asked him myself on a leap year (I believe any other day of the year is also good). He had the honesty to look shame faced and told me, actually he didn't want to get married. I left him. A few years later and I'm married to a wonderful man. We just discussed it and went for it. No big romantic proposals. It was a relief.

He's either lying to you or lying to his friends.

Either way, he's happy lying.