DP doesn't want to get married or have children

[BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica]

So, will try and condense this so it isn't a short story. Me and DP met 2 years ago and ever since then everything has been blissful happiness.

After about 6 months of been together, we discussed marriage and children out of curiosity and agreed we wanted both things. After 1 year, he randomly asked what kind of shape ring I would like if/when he proposed. We've spoken about children's names and he mentioned if we ever had a girl he would like to name it after his grandmother. I'm only mentioning all of this to give context and show that we were on the same page.

Fast forward to last weekend, we hosted a BBQ and had friends and family round - all of whom have young children/babies. Naturally, the topic of children came up and DP was asked when were we having children. He replied 'no I don't want children I'm happy with the way my life is and children will disrupt that'. I questioned it the day after and his response was 'I said that because we have not used contraception for 6 months and nothing has happened so I think I am infertile, it's easier to persuade myself that I don't want them instead of disappointing you incase I can't have them'. I let it go and that was that. I do partly believe that because I've had a couple of false positives (evap lines etc) and he was ecstatic and then heartbroken whenever period came.

Then tonight - we went out for a date night and ended up in the pub drinking too much wine. A couple came in and the woman told us she had just got engaged. I turned to DP and said oh I can't wait for it to be our turn and he replied 'I don't think I ever want to get married after I've seen what my friends have been through'. For context, one of his friends was kicked out of his marital home when his wife left him for another man and he was left with nothing.

So, AIBU for feeling disappointed that his feelings seemed to have changed and he didn't discuss with me? Does it sound like his feelings towards me have changed? We have the most amazing relationship - love his family, we go on holiday a lot and love travelling, share similar hobbies and have a really good routine living together but none of that is enough if it isn't leading to marriage and children.

You will be so happy you had this conversation in a few years when you are happily married with a man that truly loves you and a baby in your arms.

Never forgo your dreams for someone so content to mislead you for so long.

You can cut ties and walk away without wasting another precious second.

My guess is he will ask you to marry him when he realises you are serious, and will say let’s wait on the baby front and see what happens. Don’t fall for it.

This is a really mixed bag. He's either-

Changed his mind
Didn't want those things and was telling you what you want to hear
It's an elaborate ruse to hid his proposal (if it's this he's a idiot and I would say no)

You have without a shadow of doubt done the right thing.

Well done it must have been really hard for you.

Men can be such self centred bastards wasting the best years of women’s lives, but hey as long as they’re ok!!! Sadly it’s not uncommon.

Well done for you being in control of your future, and by virtue of you having that inner strength, you will be okay 💐

I thought he was doing a Chandler in Friends....maybe not

He's absolutely shown you his true colours here. I hope your move out of his home and relationship is permanent and I'm so glad you have good friends to stay with and support you now he's shown you how selfish and uncaring he really is.

Don't fall for any advances he makes from this point on when/if he tries to get you to come back - it will be a completely a waste of your time and emotions - this is who he really is.

As others have said, serve notice on your tenants so you can get back into your own home. Strength to you my dear. 🌹

He should really have told you this before you moved in with him.
I've experienced the Goal Post Mover. He announced after a year together, that (contrary to prior statements) he didn't want marriage or DC. We are still together, nearly 20 years later, unmarried, living apart with 1 DC. It's worked out ok.for me but wouldn't suit everyone. It comes down to want you want.

Don't return to his house.

Get all your stuff that's in his house and put it in storage, if you can't get your house back immediately.

When you have got your house back, treat yourself to some new things that don't remind you of him - bedding, towels, cushions, plants - this is to signify fresh start.

He told you who and what he is - believe him.

When people ask you what's happened, tell them he claimed to want what you wanted, but changed his mind - or finally told the truth.

You have time - so much better to know this now than in ten years time when your fertility has dwindled.

I'm sorry OP that's very disappointing for you. It is better you know though. Maybe something has changed for him but you can only decide whether you want the future he offers or not. You're still young enough to find someone else if children are your priority.

Well there is nothing wrong with him being clear to himself and to you about what he wants. But you have to listen and do the same for yourself.

I think with this update, you were right in your first post, his feelings have changed. Can you get your house back?

Get back on contraception at the very least, but really you should consider moving on. You've got in him a future faker. If you got pregnant by him you'd probably be doing a thread years later where you are still waiting on a proposal and you haven't bought a house together.
You are still young, you have time, but better not to waste it on him. He has got to 34 and still wants his life to not change, so it's looking doubtful he ever will.

@BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica

I’m so sorry this has been such a disappointing outcome.

Given that your partner previously seemed quite strongly on board with marriage and children, and his turnaround is very sudden and callous, I wonder if another woman may have recently arrived on the scene, resulting in him becoming ambivalent about what he wants.

Is this a possibility?

I am so sorry. He was unnecessarily cruel to you. It does not feel like it now but you had a lucky escape. You are only 27 so plenty of time to find someone who wants to share a life and family with you. He will be the one regretting it.

I'm sorry

But the shrug showing his indifference to your feelings, the announcing not having kids in public in front of you without discussing it first - these show you how he values you and your feelings

I think you've made the right decision. Sadly this future faking happens a lot. He thought once you'd moved in you were in a weaker position.

Callous leaving out ring sizes etc for you to find. It's just so calculated.

Hope you can get your house back soon and move on. You deserve much more

He has strung you along until he got you where he wanted you. Start using contraception immediately, get rid of your tenants, move back into your own house, and dump this man.

Man, I'm never moving into private rents. Poor bloody tenants eh see it all the time on these threads.

He sounds like a little kid OP. Pregnancy didn't happen like the picture in his head so instead of talking to you about it, he's stropping. That kind of attitude doesn't bode well anyway. Next comes stropping because pregnancy throws a curve ball and men feel hard done to. New babies means they don't get the attention they're used to.

Good luck.

I married someone who constantly pretended he wanted what I wanted. I’m not pushy. But generally thought we wanted the same things in life. He constantly put blocks in the way for years. Now divorced and it’s the best thing. Don’t let him confuse you with what “he” wants.

Morning everyone. Went back to speak to him and he said ‘this is nothing new I’ve never really wanted it’. I questioned all the things we’d spoke about and he said ‘well I must’ve been drunk when we talked about it’. He then went on to say ‘well I’m 50/50 about children but definitely not marriage’. So for those of you that said future faker, well done you were right. Waited until I’d moved in to tell me how he really feels. He then had the cheek to also say ‘my long term future is committed to you, i hope you can see that’. How?! Absolutely gutted, but I’m just glad I didn’t waste any more of my time.

I will go against the common narrative here, i think he is afraid hes infertile tbh, so hes saving face incase you don't get pregnant. Immature, yes , but you need to sit and have serious discussion and remind him it won't be repeated to anyone if he has fears about infertility

Sorry i was typing when you updated. Well that's a surprise to me. That's just awful, thank goodness you found this out now and he didn't waste your childbearing years xx

Life is too short for this bullshit

You have seriously dodged a bullet.
Take this chance and run, he is gas lighting you as well now.

I questioned all the things we’d spoke about and he said ‘well I must’ve been drunk when we talked about it’. He then went on to say ‘well I’m 50/50 about children but definitely not marriage’.

Gaslighting fuckwit. I hope you can look back on the ring sizing and other marriage indicators and see clearly that this is a man who lives a life of moment-to-moment feeling; whatever he feels in the moment is what he's always felt in his mind.

He doesn't recognise that he has no real deep feelings or values and simply drifts from temporary shallow feeling to temporary shallow feeling, never feeling anything deeply enough to be able to commit to it.

You're best off without him; he will never be worthy of your trust and commitment.

I'm so sorry OP - god knows how his future will pan out if he's 50/50 about children, you need to be sure one way or another about something like that. And as for marriage, well that's important to most women. The sooner you're rid of him, the sooner you will meet someone who wants the same things as you.

Gas lighting Twat.

You must have dreamt those rings being left out for you to see

Honestly it's all so calculated. Planned.

And now trying to make out like you imagined it

I'm so sorry. But glad you found out now rather than wasting more time with this shitbag. Hope you're okay

He’s definitely not interested. At your age I probably would only give someone a year for it to be moving to engagement.