DP doesn't want to get married or have children

[BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica]

So, will try and condense this so it isn't a short story. Me and DP met 2 years ago and ever since then everything has been blissful happiness.

After about 6 months of been together, we discussed marriage and children out of curiosity and agreed we wanted both things. After 1 year, he randomly asked what kind of shape ring I would like if/when he proposed. We've spoken about children's names and he mentioned if we ever had a girl he would like to name it after his grandmother. I'm only mentioning all of this to give context and show that we were on the same page.

Fast forward to last weekend, we hosted a BBQ and had friends and family round - all of whom have young children/babies. Naturally, the topic of children came up and DP was asked when were we having children. He replied 'no I don't want children I'm happy with the way my life is and children will disrupt that'. I questioned it the day after and his response was 'I said that because we have not used contraception for 6 months and nothing has happened so I think I am infertile, it's easier to persuade myself that I don't want them instead of disappointing you incase I can't have them'. I let it go and that was that. I do partly believe that because I've had a couple of false positives (evap lines etc) and he was ecstatic and then heartbroken whenever period came.

Then tonight - we went out for a date night and ended up in the pub drinking too much wine. A couple came in and the woman told us she had just got engaged. I turned to DP and said oh I can't wait for it to be our turn and he replied 'I don't think I ever want to get married after I've seen what my friends have been through'. For context, one of his friends was kicked out of his marital home when his wife left him for another man and he was left with nothing.

So, AIBU for feeling disappointed that his feelings seemed to have changed and he didn't discuss with me? Does it sound like his feelings towards me have changed? We have the most amazing relationship - love his family, we go on holiday a lot and love travelling, share similar hobbies and have a really good routine living together but none of that is enough if it isn't leading to marriage and children.

I get that he’s protecting his emotions about not wanting kids because nothing has happened.

However, to say it in a public/family forum is pretty bold as he’s announcing it, without giving to a chance for recourse, as he knew you wouldn’t want to embarrass him or cause a scene.

@BearsBeatsBattlestarGalactica
when I initially read your post, I felt the same as @Someoneonlyyouknow

I just think hes really disheartened you guys havent fallen pregnant & he isnt going to tell everyone you have been trying. Maybe it wasnt the ideal response to say you dont want children but he could have been caught off guard.

In terms of the engagement, he could simply be pre-occupied with the TTC and beating himself up, if he is indeed thinking hes infertile therefore proposing would be the last thing he wants to do.

However, you know the relationship best. An honest, open conversation will clear things up! Good luck x

The bbq conversation about children sounds like he was protecting himself. He gave you a different answer he is worried he is infertile. A visit to the gp would be a sensible choice i think to move forward.
In terms of marriage you need to have a conversation about why what happens to others is concerning him. You aren’t his friends wife. Is he generally quite stressed and anxious.
It sounds like he is not good at sharing his thoughts and feelings. Then communicates with you in a random thoughtless/hurtful way. This would be a concern for me because is he going to carry on doing that with every stressful situation which then causes you stress because you don’t know where it has come from? I would definitely raise that with him and consider if he is prepared/able to communicate with you better.
Has he thought about how his comments made you feel?

You’re taking a huge risk not using contraception. Are you married??
Dont underestimate how hard life is if you are forced to go down the single parent route…I would either stop having sex with him or start using contraception. You need adult conversations about what you both want out of life and where you are going. I mean this kindly but you both sound quite immature, him especially emotionally immature. If he cannot commit properly I would walk away. Don’t waste your years with someone who won’t commit to you. And definitely do not get baby trapped by them. You must see how much of a huge life sentence that is! Stop taking such an insane risk before he will commit. Xx

Is he an anxious person? His inconsistent comments could be the result of anxiety. Work on communicating with him.

The issue with the children is actually the terribly insensitive remarks and questioning from friends. No one should ever ask about kids. Ever. And your own private discussion has established that whether he wants kids hasn’t changed. He is just feeling that it hasn’t happened.

Marriage - discuss that one.

He's future faking OP. He's led you on and changed the narrative once you have rented out your home so he has more control.

He also announces how he's moved the goal posts when in the company of others so you can't challenge.

Im starting to wonder if deep down he believes he's infertile but hopes hes not.

Either way he's not being straight. Id leave him. Best of luck...

If there are fertility issues, we don’t know if they’re his or hers.

It sounds to me like he’s a sensitive soul on the kids front and trying to put up a wall so people dont ask him again, maybe he found it upsetting.
Wedding wise measuring your ring is a very clear sign he’s going ring shopping. I’d give him 6 months and if nothings doing, pack it in then.
one of my best friends had a huge melt down at her partner the weekend before he planned to propose, again he was playing silly games about not proposing. Infact the day before my now husband did he told me we would have to wait another year due yo financial reasons… I think some men just want it to be a big surprise when they propose.

I think you need to have a conversation with him. I suspect he does want children but as it hasn't happened it is causing him anxiety. Lot of childless people do tend to answer questions in that way. It very insensitive question to ask someone. The marriage one - I think you need to clarify. Also if you have been trying for 6 months, it may be worth getting a check up.

I am sorry OP, it sounds shit.

I have been in a similar position, including my OH making the public announcement about never wanting kids even though we had discussed it as a plan for the future-that really hurt.

I was head over heels in love with my OH- I really thought I had found my soulmate. At the beginning of the relationship we were discussing marriage, he even put timescales- on things, we agreed we would both like children at some point.
But over several years things changed.
I absolutely feel that we all have the right to change our minds about such big life decisions, but I waited until I was 35 and was becoming particularly sad about the possibility of not having children.

At 35 I left the relationship, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done- tearing myself away from my OH was so painful. But it felt like a choice of stay with no children or leave and hope for a chance elsewhere.

With some distance between us I was able to see things more clearly, I thought we were soulmates, I came to see that he probably didn't feel the same.

Within 2 years my ex was married with a child on the way. That hurt too as I was able to see that our relationship wasn't all I thought it to be, he simply had not cared enough about me.

Happy to say things did work out. I met a lovely man ( we are still together many years later) and by the time I was 39 we had a happy home, a baby and a toddler.

OP cut your losses.
You are too precious to be kept dangling on a string like this.

You deserve a man who will be incandescently in love with you, who will want to be the father of your children because he treats your own desires as his own.

Don't accept second best, your OH is trying to keep his options open in case he finds a better offer.

Sorry to be boring and old-fashioned, but given your young age and no immediate fertility concerns of your own, I would absolutely be insisting on marriage before kids because you'll be royally screwed if you have kids, reduce work hours and then want to separate without being married.

i couldn’t agree with this more. Get married before having kids. Please.

I have been where you are OP and it is very painful. This is where you make the difficult decision to tell your boyfriend to get out your husband’s way. He is out there, and you won’t meet him wasting more time with this man.

He sounds worried about being infertile .Maybe he had reason to be? Mumps when younger or an STI ? I hope not obv ,but he seems to be sending mixed messages here .Maybe he does want to propose ,but is holding back until he feels happy and you get pregnant.Men sometimes feel worried and a bit embarrassed if they feel unable to father DC.I would have a straight talk ,it sounds like you guys have a good RL so you can straighten things out and seek medical help if you need to .Dont leave it !

I think he’s throwing you off the scent!! When I was desperately trying for a baby and people would ask me when are you having a baby I’d say ‘we love our freedom too much, or not just yet’. It’s a polite way of saying ‘fuck off and mind your own.’ And it sounds to me like a proposal is imminent if he’s taken your ring, got measurements etc. I would hold your nerve, is there anything coming up like your birthday? I think he’ll propose at Christmas if not before. Him saying ‘ahh what’s the point’ is just his blokey way of keeping the surprise going.

Drip feed of the century.

let it all lie and see what happens in 18 months. Just relax about it all.

Oh and I’m another advocate for getting married first, then TTC.

It was an awful way to break that news and I'm not condoning it, but I expect your DP knows how much marriage and DC mean to you and can't face saying the words "I don't want what you want" to you directly.

Well obviously you need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion about this surely?!

If marriage is really important to you it’s a really bad idea to have a child without it. So many women want marriage (and if you are having children you should want it as it’s your career that’s damaged) and have babies first, then find themselves 5 years down the line still unmarried and he isn’t that fussed anymore.

Amen. The number of threads like this are sadly too common.

The dripfeed is... bizarre.

But whether he has a ring and proposes or not.
Put yourself on contraception until you are married. Like you have signed a legally binding document.

At 27 unless you are independently wealthy it is a terrible idea to have a baby with a man without the financial security of marriage.

His behaviour and comments sound really confusing and messed up. I don't know how or why you've let this go on without having a frank conversation. Start with that and establish what he really wants and tell him what you want! It's not rocket science. If he's changed the goalposts you need to know and not be second guessing his motives.

Men who want to marry you ask you because they’re worried you’ll get away.

Rings can be sized you don’t need to measure them.

No more unprotected sex until you have this mess sorted. You need to have a grown conversation with him today.

Luckily you only rented your house out and didn't sell.

Leave him, give your tenants notice, and move back to your house when you can.

He's wasting your time, and if you stay you will regret it. Don't miss out on having kids/marriage, and the life you want, for this man who can't even be honest with you.