I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

So sorry you're going through this. First things first. Ask for a personal day or mental health day if your company does those. If not just call in sick. (I don't condone any type of lying for sick leave) if you must give a reason tell them the truth. You're going through a very difficult break up and need some time to collect your thoughts. Whether you're paid or not that's up to them.

Secondly, well done on recognising that he isn't worth marrying. Better to lose a deposit than several more years of your life to dead relationship. You deserve more.

It will be hard to start over but see it as the opportunity it is. Try to stay positive. The hardest part is already behind you. Small goals at least one per day and it will get easier eventually.

Thank you so much for answering me, I can’t explain how much it means to me with how I’m feeling right now.

The tasks ahead are so daunting. We own a house together and I know things will get very unpleasant for me from now on, but it’s all I have. It’s just hard not to have a ‘safe place’, and I’m going to admit, I don’t believe I am the most emotionally resilient.

At the age that I am, I’m just finding myself wondering when is my time to feel safe and content with life. I try to be a good person, but I’m finding it hard not to turn some of this inwards and find I want to blame myself for the fact that my relationships just fail. I’m with a man who day to day is almost smothering with affection, but when it comes to conflict, healthy doesn’t exist. I know I can’t bring children into this, which is something he’s been pressing. He’s said it’s because I don’t want children and am too weak to cope with them, and that I should feel lucky he wants to have them with me.

thank you again for listening and for your kind words x

Lovely, having the respect for yourself, to put yourself first and realise you deserve so much better than this is the absolute opposite of a failure.

Thank you 😘 I’m just so very frightened that I’m destined to end up alone. I know, that sounds so desperate. I have so much love to give, but struggle to reserve any for myself. The relationship has gone on for 5 years now, honestly I wonder if it has broken my spirit. Nothing has ever been physical to my person, but mentally I think the wounds are there. It’s just hard to see clearly, I think I have been manipulated and perhaps my nature has allowed this. Thank you again for your words, I can’t explain how much it means x

Get out now. You are young, you can start over and have the life you deserve. Please do not settle. I got out of a relationship when I was 34 because it didn't feel right anymore and I was terrified at starting over and whether I'd meet someone else... I just turned 38 and I recently got married to the right person for me.

You have this one life. Be selfish and do what's right for you.

Trust your gut. If it feels wrong, it is. Don't settle - you're still young and you deserve respect and contentment. Your strength in recognising things aren't right is to be admired. I wish you all the very best. X

Thank you. I’m so happy for you, and I love to hear this. It helps, it really does. I know right now I’m frozen in emotion and overwhelm. I haven’t felt like myself for a long time, but strangely I almost feel addicted to a relationship I know isn’t healthy. It’s almost like self sabotage. He says no one will love me like he has, and honestly I think he’s made me believe it. It’s so toxic because how he speaks to me is the total opposite. So belittling, I feel like a child sometimes. I have a career in the city, I can’t say I’m the most gutsy but I have a good job and there I feel respected. It’s only when I come home that I feel like a bit of a wreck, really x

Thank you so much 😘😘 honestly I’m struggling to trust my own judgement, I think this relationship has made me feel pretty crazy, if I’m honest. That can’t be right, can it? I don’t feel emotionally equipped to handle him, he twists and turns all I say back to me. And all I do is blame myself more x

He says no one will love me like he has, and honestly I think he’s made me believe it.

OP this is a good thing. You don’t need this kind of love - it’s toxic and abusive, it’s not really love at all. You deserve so much better than this.

He’s done a real number on you - to make you believe you won’t find anyone else to love you. They will, and they’ll be a much better person than him.

I’ve seen women on here with similar stories being advised to follow the Freedom programme - I have no experience of this but it sounds like it would be worth you looking into it.

Please find the strength to leave him, this is not how a relationship should be.

There is a sort of man, I was married to one, who are attracted to a certain type of woman, only to destroy her. One that (at least appears) to be confident, independent, successful and ballsy. But they, due to the failures in their personality, cant actually cope with being with a woman like that. Instead of being proud of her, bragging about her, walking in a room with her with a smug look because he knows that he has the best woman ever on his arm, he feels small, pathetic and useless in comparison to her. He knows that there are a lot of better, kinder, more emotionally mature men who could win her from him in a second. So he has to take her down, put her down, make her his inferior. Make her feel so shit about herself that he is never at risk of her leaving him because by then she truly believes that he is the best she will ever get, that he is actually doing HER the favour by giving her a second of his time and attention. Then, ironically, he hates her because she is no longer the woman he desired, so he punishes her for that too.

I suspect that you have got one of these "princes". He will not stop until you are a complete shell of your former self and then he will almost certainly cheat and bugger off with someone who you will recognise, because she is the woman you used to be. And then he will do it to her.

You are frightened of being alone simply becasue you have never chosen to be alone. Never embraced it and revelled in the freedom it brings. I was the same. But now, 5 years this month, I couldnt be happier. It took a very very short time to breathe freely....hours at most. It took longer to get used to it just being me, but every day it got better and better. Now I wouldnt change my life for anything.

Thank you. I will have a look into this programme. I think I’ve become blindsided because I’m in it. To tell you the truth, I feel like I love him, but I also wonder if I am in tune with my own feelings anymore. I think I’ve done so much agreeing to things for an easy life, I don’t know what I feel anymore. Thank you for all your kind words, it helps more than you’ll ever know and I’m so glad I came here for some company tonight x

Oh and incidentally.....that man I mentioned above....the one who is proud, who brags about his partners achievements and knows without a doubt that he has the best woman in the world as his partner? I found him. He smiles when he sees me, thanks me for the tiniest things and instead of being nasty when I get something wrong, laughs and takes the piss just as I do with him. We dont live together (by choice) but we have been happy together for a few years now and I would never have known that there would be someone like that out there if I hadnt escaped my abusive marriage.

You can find it too, when you leave the abuse behind. And it IS abuse.

I agree with the PP who mentioned the Freedom program, its called that for a reasons. It truly gives you freedom.

You said yes to things for an easy life, but it aint an easy life is it? It bought you what each time...? An easy day or so? One argument of many that was avoided?

Hell of a price just to kick the can down the road a few yards.

i think you may be right. It’s a very hard reality to face right now, but I think you are right. I so admire you for making the right choices for yourself, and am glad to hear you are living a full life now in the strength of your own company. As much as anything, I’m sad at the thought of losing my house, as thinking about where I’ll live is very daunting right now. I’ve not paid a mortgage or rent alone before. I have to find some strength and self belief x

i think it’s just taken it’s toll on my relationship with myself. I can see this is destroying me, I should be happy to leave. But I’m terrified and I believe I am weak for feeling that way

I had never done it alone before either, but 6 months ago I paid off my mortgage! I am a lot older than you and was more fortunate in when I bought my house (no, not a baby boomer, bought in 1999!), but the point is that it can be done.

You may lose that property yes, but you shouldnt lose what you invested into it. Getting legal advice about that may be a good first step. It will give you a firm place to start from, knowing your legal and financial position so you can choose which is the best next step.

Knowledge is power, so gain the knowledge you need to make decisions.

Take care my love, you CAN do this, I promise you! I started again at 46, I know a lot of women who did it a lot older than that. You have already completed the hardest part of the journey to escape, and that is realising that you are in an abusive relationship. You will get there.

OP, you're feeling wretched but when I read your posts, I have great hope.

33 is young - old enough to have worked out what doesn't work for you, but young in terms of life
You don't have children with this abuser - great! Get out before you do. That 'No-one will love you like I do' is a classic abuser line.
You have a house - any equity? If there is, it might give you a start in your new, happy, peaceful life
You have a good job - superb! Great for self-esteem and for supporting yourself. Excellent.
About ending up alone - a) it's a societal/patriarchal thing that we have to couple up. Women do better alone, men do better with a partner b) Don't think about the future. Focus on the now. Breathe. Work on having happy 'todays'. Work on yourself - therapy, mindfulness (try youtube), self help. Building up your inner self.
Put aside, shake off, all the societal crap about partners and how lives should be ordered. Start from where you are and what makes you happy.
Good luck. You're going to be fine.

I’m so happy for you. Where did you find such a man? I will definitely look into that. I have said to him before I feel he’s abusive towards me. I’m sure you can imagine the responses I got from this. And the twisting and turning. Another game he plays is, like today once I’d cancelled the wedding, is he said he is glad and he was thinking the same. But funnily enough, he pushed me into booking it in the first place. None of it makes sense. I think he enjoys the power of pretending not to care, he knows deep down I’m addicted. I have to draw the line now, so I know I can’t care how he reacts, but I do wonder. I try to analyse why a man would treat me this way

You are not weak at all but strong to make this important decision. 33 is so young and you have a lot to look forward to without this man. Leave before you get married or have children with him and don't look back!!

I had never done it alone before either, but 6 months ago I paid off my mortgage!
This made me teary. I paid off my mortgage in 2014 (yes, I am from the baby boom generation but I also made sensible decisions). OP, you will be fine. @PyongyangKipperbang was, and so was I.

I love this so much, this is such wonderful advice, it really is. Thank you. I’d give you a big hug in person for this message that I will screenshot and keep. One day at time, today is the hardest of days xx

And he treats you like that because he's a cunt. Just.

Thank you so much, lovely, supportive stranger who owes nothing but has given me some hope this evening xx

Thank you 💋 I hope one day I find my happy place, firstly in myself but I pray one day in someone else, too xx life has challenged me and I’m so ready for peace as I know my mum is ready for me to have that too. I feel more heartbroken to let my family down having booked this wedding. But I know one day I’ll be grateful this happened now xx

I love this for you. I should like to start a commune of ladies and buy a big house together. I don’t really want to live alone, but I’d love to find true friends in life and feel less isolated than I do now xx