I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

This. You are catastophising now - it’s his voice in your head “ you will be alone forever, everyone else has moved on except you, all you will have is the silences, void and emptiness “.

it’s nonsense, you are 33 with a good job, good health and your own home, things many women of your age don't have.

There is a whole world out there waiting for you - sports, hobbies, friends, travel, volunteering. Once you are away from him and have bought him out / found a new place to stay , you can fill up your life with all these wonderful things .

You are talking as it there are two options in life - stay with him and be destroyed by his abuse or sit at home crying all the time. That’s not true.

You are going to have a wonderful life without him.

OP - you really have to stop worrying what other people think of you regarding the 'yet another failed relationship' thing. People are too wrapped up in themselves (rightly) to really give a monkeys.

You also have to do everything you can to stop seeing this man as an answer to anything in your life, realise he is not the man you hope and want him to be and get legal advice about the house.

Third and most important. Stop trying to have any sort of adult or sensible conversation with him. You are wasting your time.

For support, stay on MN and get advice as you go along. Many posters have seemed to be in a terrible situation and yet they have set up thread after thread that has led them out into the light. This place is a massive resource of people that have been there, done that.

You can't mend what is already broken. You will destroy yourself trying.

It may cost you financially and be a bit hideous in the separation part but you will get to the other side.

Is there anyone you can stay with for a few days or at the weekend to get some head space?

At 33 you do have the time to start again and get all the things you want in life. Don't let this idiot drag it out and take away that chance.

Time to be brave because you know leaving is right or you wouldn't be here writing this.

Start telling a few trusted people. Make it real so it is much harder to be dragged into keeping up appearances.

Yes I think you’re totally right there. Something is not addressed within me. I truly am like an addict, through all the lows, it still gives me more fear to be alone, with my own thoughts. Alone can be a wonderful place, please don’t feel I’m suggesting otherwise. During some therapy work I came to realise that my happiest childhood moments were just me, along in my bedroom before the summer holidays, wondering all the ways I could fill my days with fun and creative things. But, like an addict, the ‘high’ I get from this relationship when I think it might work, keeps me hanging and hooked.

thank you for your words of encouragement. I love you have found your inner peace just for you, within yourself. I aspire to reach the same, but the journey feels daunting and whilst I have worked on myself with therapy, exercise and a healthy diet, I know there must be unresolved things in my mind. I hope it doesn’t leave me cynical and bitter xx

You can't land if you don't jump.

Thank you, you’re right, there’s a spectrum of options in between. Catastrophising should be on my cv/resume as a skill, honestly I’m rather good at getting stuck in the moment. I need to find some mental weights to lift, to become resilient in the face of situations like this and realise there’s a life out there to be grabbed with both hands and lived xx

I never posted here before and honestly I’m speechless at the support all of you amazing women have given to a stranger. Evidently I came here for pre wedding doubts, and this is my first post :) when I arrived I was pushing it all aside, trying to answer the doubts but determined to find a way to ‘fix’ myself to be able to deal with the behaviour at home. So I could carry on pretending like I’d finally settled down like everyone else in my life xx

Very true, right now my brain tells me my feet are stuck in cement!

Something I give off allows me to be taken advantage of in relationships. I don’t move too fast or jump in quick, but I think I people please, hugely. Sometimes I wonder what I wouldn’t sacrifice for the happiness of my partner

I'm late to this thread, and you have had some excellent advice - including doing the Freedom Programme.

As regards the bit I've quoted, there's a classic self-help book that might help you: Women Who Love Too Much. Terrible title, but it does provide a lot of insight and strategies for women who consistently put their partners' needs above their own, even if it is to their own detriment.

If you want to to understand WHY he does what he does, there is another classic book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That?

I could stay with my mum potentially, but I do feel bad for her. Perhaps she wouldn’t want me to, but I do feel guilty. My older sister is homely, settled, has had the same job since 17 and is married with a baby. My life in comparison is a whirlwind and I do think I’m a bit too much for my family at times. They’re all very steady xx

Ohh thank you, I haven’t heard of the first book and will definitely download that. It sounds like it may help me.

I do have the second book on my phone somewhere (this relationship has clearly lead me to need some self help before).

people have been so wonderful here. I’m overwhelmed at the kindness towards a stranger xx

@Cdk92 - you have already shown HUGE bravery by cancelling the wedding and confronting your (now) ex fiancé. I think most of us would say that you find inner strength that you didn’t know you had. It’s hard, and you learn a lot about yourself in the process.

You’ve been given excellent advice on here.

You’ll need to regroup. Educate yourself on abusive twats. Do the Freedom Programme. Use your time initially to hone in on red flags in early relationships. Loads of info on YouTube. Maybe your fathers relationship with your mum has influenced you? Worth exploring with your counsellor.

It certainly seems true that abusers certainly pick bright talented women to have relationships with… only to destroy slowly. I was one of those in my mid 20s and have finally found her again in my mid 50s!

People have likened it to the boiling frog analogy. It’s very insidious and really does a number on you mentally.

The hardest thing to get your head around is the fact you’ll never really understand quite how they work and twist stuff around… and if you love someone WHY treat them like they do? I’ve spent 3 years trying to work it out and have given up.

He deserves no more of my time and energy.

SO…. Seek legal advice on the house, and based on that info, act accordingly. Don’t explain to him why it’s over. You’ll be wasting your time.

Good luck and let us know how you get on. 💐

my love , I’m twice your age , look at your life through my eyes . Do you want to be looking back at retirement age and think I almost made the break 30 yrs ago ? I divorced 30 plus years ago . He’s a small foot note on my twisty turnie life . You have everything going for you , look at the cross roads you have come to . One way isn’t even the same as now … if you go back he knows for sure that he can treat you as he wants and you’ll cry and stay … big win for dick head .OR you go in the opposite direction as fast as you can and see what this amazing life has to offer . It’s said it’s a sign of madness to keep doing the same thing hoping for a different outcome! You my love are worth a beautiful life . You have the love of all of us willing you on . We can’t wait to hear how your journey unfolds… it’s going to be a glorious adventure xx

Thank you. It’s all I want honestly, is just the peace and strength to get through this and flourish on the ‘other side’ xx

I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive, but in some ways i think this is harder to understand than a more physical behaviour. If I’d been hit, it’s pretty cut and dry. My body would visibly have signs and no one could doubt whether I was making this up, or dramatising it. But the mental damage that has been done is hard for me to even articulate as I don’t understand it myself. And I’m lead down a spiral of not knowing what is my fault and what isn’t. I’m always happy to understand my shortcomings, but I think he may have taken advantage of that trait xx

Ohh you’re so wonderful for taking the time to say this, and with such encouragement. Your family/friends/dependents are very lucky to have such a kind and supportive energy in their lives. I just carry on and I don’t know why! I put up and put up. I think I must feel this is the best there is. He works hard, earns well, we have a nice life in terms of material things. But sadly we had a home where I do not feel safe to me be and speak freely. And when I try to be heard about this, he kicks off and turns it all on me. I ask the question I shouldn’t, but why does he do that? Xx

In case this helps you ... I left a 10 year relationship, engaged, deposits on wedding stuff, dress bought... at 33.

Not even abusive but just knew deep down it wasn't right.

2 years later, I met the man of my dreams, he is proposing any minute (he's not the best at keeping secrets haha) and we're expecting our first child. I am soooo incredibly happy and content, my heart is settled and full. It's black and white to previous relationship.

Ending the previous relationship was probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but not only did it make me feel incredibly brave and free, it also turned out to be the best thing I've ever done.

33 is not old. I worked on myself a lot during the two years I was single. If you stay, you will only be older. You have lots and lots of time left.

Be brave, be true to yourself, and your life will probably exceed even your wildest expectations xo

Just don’t communicate with him. His mind games and gaslighting wont have an effect on you then. It doesn’t matter why he says what he says and how people should respond.

Your post should be titled 'I think my bondage ended today' or 'I think my abuse ended today'.

The bit that jumps out at me is that you feel happy and respected out of the home, and 'a wreck' within it. Your home is a prison and this man has tried to destroy you. He screams and thumps the floor? It sounds like a mental hospital. Please just pack your bags and leave, go anywhere for a bit of head space.

Hi OP. I just wanted to say I had a man like this when I was 30. I got shouted at when I spoke to him and distracted him from an ending auction on ebay he wanted to bid on. I got shouted at when he had some meat in the fridge go out of date because I hadn't thought to tell him before it was wasted to eat. He secretly met escorts for sex and made me feel like I wasn't enough. The breakup was hard because my self esteem was on the floor. But being alone was so much better than constantly being on edge. A year later I met the man who is now my husband and it did get so much better, they were like night and day how they treated me. What you are doing now is so important for your future happiness. If there is a chance of taking a week or two to go and stay with a friend or family member the change of scene can be really mentally helpful for healing I find.

there's a quote I read once which I think of all the time in situations like this: "I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again".

leaving an unhappy, disrespectful long term relationship isn't a failure, it's the bravest, most admirable thing a person can do. You'll look back in a few years and be so proud of yourself for having the strength and self-worth to go.

Weddings are far easier to get out of than marriages. Your family have eyes and are probably feeling very relieved that you are not going to marry this awful man. You need to live the life that works for you. This man sounds horrible. My DILs best friend was getting married. Been together since school. Covid delayed it. They bought his parents house. He had always lived there so his mum moved out and his fiance moved in. He continued as a man child, expecting her to perform the role his mother had with the 'extras of a fiance. They had known each other for years and years. All their friends were the same. Their parents lived next door to each other and were very close. It was all incredibly enmeshed and I admire her enormously for saying that ,no, this wasn't for her. She called it off and moved out. She is very glad she did. It will get better. Addiction to love or to drugs is exactly the same as far as your brain is concerned. After 5 weeks of cold turkey it will be so much easier. You have to do those 5 weeks and that is always going to be hard but put one foot in front of the other and keep going. It will be okay.

The emotion that feels like love is a strong bond, but it's not love in the best sense because it doesn't flow from you drawn by his wonderful nature (as it should be), it's stockholm syndrome. 😢

OP. Hi ♥️ 👋

OK, I've seen and heard this and have seen this scenario play out 100s of times in my career.

If you stay as is - you will lose whatever you have left of your self confidence, being able to identify the issues, and having at least the courage to demand changes or leave if what you want from this relationship is not met.

You will end up losing years to this relationship that absolutely serves you in no way at all, other than to be a desperate attempt to follow the steps that give you the illusion that you have what you want - a safe home, a loving partner, and a healthy family of your own. If you see this through without any changes, you'll have all those things, but not in good energy, and in good health within yourself and within those elements of your life - you'll have a home that you don't enjoy being in, a husband who you attach yourself too for comfort, but he breaks you down more and more as a person, and some children being raised in an unhealthy environment.

I was dreading reading the age above 40s and 50s and understanding more so the concerns of starting over, especially when you want kids; though my advice wouldn't change!

BUT you are 33! That is not an age to make compromises in your forever person! You are at a good age to get off this train. Not abandon the entire relationship, but get off, step back and...

1. Evaluate why you've accepted this for yourself, and weigh out is this actually a good man who has undealt personal issues that he needs to address, or is this his personality?

If personal issues, is he willing to put the work in to now grow as a human (don't wait around years in hope he will jump on a healing train, if he does not willingly do so now)! Don't makes excuses for him to justify staying.

This doesn't have to be an option if that ship has sailed and number two is where you're at...

2. Do you actually love him as a person, and does be bring out the best in you and make you feel safe, comfort, protected and wholesome? If he doesn't and you've been together for years and even crossed milestones of buying a house, now getting married and want to start a family... pluck up the courage and actually think, is it time to accept that the relationship has ran its course? Has the relationship piggy backed on your self compromises in ways you've written?

Personally I hate advising people to leave, because there's always so much more context needed (unless infidelity and domestic abuse are involved explicitly).

Yes he's gotten into your head and yes, he sounds like a nasty piece of work, but your post also reads as though [and I promise I say so gently] you desperately want that life of good man, marriage and kids, and lack self esteem and confidence, that you've just let this go on far too long with someone who you've not been able to make a clear assessment on interms of compatibility, and it's come at your own expense? What I'm trying to say is, he's gotten WAY TOO COMFORTABLE knowing you have an unhealthy attachment to this life you want (we all want it) that you've attached yourself to this mentally controlling man, and he's abusing that superiority over you, because you both know you want this more than him at any cost.

In any case, if you decide to leave, you need to step back and be alone, to find your grounding again before shot gunning into another relationship or jumping on dating sites.

When I say alone, I don't mean for years and years. Even 6 months to a year in shared female housing (solo housing if you can afford it), would do you some good in not being so dependent. Even on new housemates.

You crave close attachments, and there seems to be more beneath the surface here, and seems you don't have healthy relationships in general, as in, healthy attachments like family and friends. Even how you've described. Just something seems missing here.

I hope my post makes sense. You seem like an emotional person, so I've tried to be as gentle as I can, where I'd otherwise be very direct.

You know what you need to do I think. You just need a little handholding 😉

I'd reframe this a bit. It's not that you are 'an addict'. You are correctly, and insightfully, recognising the dynamic that is going on. It is possible that you are 'addicted'. It's not part of you. It's a pattern of behaviour that you have been conditioned to respond to.

I found it was pretty much impossible to see the trap I was in while I was inside it. Life beyond an abusive relationship is like coming up for air after being underwater.

Another good book, if you haven't already read it:

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/