I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

No you’re right. It’s not coming from a place of admiration. I think I’m also dependent upon this feeling of unease and trying to fix and please. I’m not happy with myself to being an easy target. But perhaps I am one xx

Thank god you've realised this now before you've married this narcissist arsehole;You life will be miserable as his wife.

This isn't how a loving respectful relationship looks.

A house is just a house at this stage of your life;you don't currently have children whose housing needs need to be met;sell it;rent somewhere if you have to;it doesn't matter as long as you don't have to stay with him.

See a solicitor asap to get legal advice on the house.

As for the wedding deposit;sod it;every penny is worth it to not be married to him.

Well done seeing through him - just remember that while he'll put up a front of not caring (or for as long as he can), you have won. You have seen through him and not let yourself be used by him, he has lost.

Keep a hold of that thought.

Op, just one thing you are not “starting again” you are just “moving forward”, I’m sure you have learned a lot about relationships and yourself in these years and if the main take out of all this is that you learned to say enough is enough and take action to live on your own terms, you are already well ahead of many people who find it difficult to find the courage to leave. 🙂

Thank you for such a well thought out response. I appreciate that you can see there’s some conflicting thoughts and feelings on my part. I’m not blameless by any stretch. You’re right, I kick myself as I think I’ve settled for ‘good enough’, or at least, this is ticking the relationship boxes (a modestly nice home, excess income to do nice things, the option of a family). And I do attach, and fixate on these ideals. I’m not someone who is outwardly desperate in relationships, I’m very guarded and was this time, for a long time. He is someone who has openly shown more affection, adoration and had prioritised me more than anyone else before. So much so that initially I had to ask him to step back, as I think he put me on a pedestal and if I disappointed him, he’d act out. I think he’s a complicated character. He has traits I imagine some might say what else could you want, but also is emotionally out of control at times and immature. I cannot say he hasn’t improved, but I think he feels he can improve no more and that I expect too much.

I take no offence to what you have said, I very much appreciate you taking the time to read, assess and give me some really well balanced advice and food for thought.

I am craving a void to be filled, my friends and family quite rightly have their own lives now, and I know many a weekend would pass where I’d be alone. I’m also quite introverted, so I’d have to really force myself to step out and do new social things. But a spark in me says I may love it. I did some very independent things in my past, I once went to the Philippines alone to do some charity work. Perhaps I need to tap into whoever this person is, wherever she is now!!!

thank you again xx

Thank you for the recommendation. I believe I have this book on my phone so I’ll get my glasses out as the font is tiny!!

It’s helpful to remember I was without this ‘addiction’ once, or perhaps habit is a nicer word. I hope this means I can go back. I want a relationship where I am unapologetically myself and where my needs are considered. This has been one sided forever and I think I’ve allowed that due to caring about what others need from me more than what I need myself xx

Thank you 😘😘 yes I’m rather fixated on my house, but as you say I may find somewhere else and it may feel like a breath of fresh air xx this forum has been so helpful for giving me hope. There could be a lot of good change to come from leaving

Ohh thank you. I love the thought of being able to feel like I am strong (ish) even if I feel weak right now. I am not just accepting this silently and it has been so helpful talking here. Thank you for hearing me xx

Funny enough when a job is a poor fit I’m straight onto the next adventure! I think there’s an inner problem at play, some unhealthy inner dynamic that is pushing me towards staying in a relationship that realistically I know needs to end. Thank you for your kind advice xx

He is someone who has openly shown more affection, adoration and had prioritised me more than anyone else before. So much so that initially I had to ask him to step back, as I think he put me on a pedestal and if I disappointed him, he’d act out. I think he’s a complicated character. He has traits I imagine some might say what else could you want, but also is emotionally out of control at times and immature

I'm sorry, but the lovebombing and the adoration and the excessive affection is part of the bog standard abusive cycle. It'll all keep you guessing, uncertain, unsure of things. Shower with affection and charm/jealousy/isolation/abuse. Rinse and repeat.

It's not that complicated. I know it looks like it is.

Don’t overanalyse yourself too much, it leads to unhelpful conclusions. Whatever the reasons, you are in a good route now and that’s what is important 🙂

Hi OP.

Oh wow I could have have written this post myself last year, you have totally described my ex fiancé.... I was 8 months pregnant when I told him I was upset at what he'd said to me and he exploded and stormed off, just before we were about to sign on a new house.

OP I know you are heartbroken and so sad right now but I promise you there is SO much happiness ahead for you. I think you are amazingly brave that you were able to realise what's going on and walk away and you have done yourself a huge favour doing it this side of the wedding (although I know the deposit is annoying) and having children with the wrong man. 33 is so young you have about a decade ahead of you to explore the world meet people fall in love again and have a family i promise.

What has really helped me process what happened in the relationship is counselling, I do recommend that.

Another tip when thinking 'all my friends have moved away and had babies' those friends will have had to make some new friends too to do baby stuff with - you are single so you might need to make some single or child free friends to do cool evening or travelling or soentaneous cool weekend stuff with. You can do that! The world is your oyster now- anything you've ever been intersted in trying or learning you can do and you won't have that mean guy bringing you down.

Also to touch on those accusations that you're too much or too needy. No you're not you're a human being who deserves to be treated with compassion and who naturally will become destressed when they're not.

Please confided in family of friends that love you and go to them now to be looked after xxxx

" A person who values you would never put themselves in a position to lose you.

I don’t think you should consider yourself unable to ever get married or have a LTRelationship… just give yourself a break from present situation and re group.

You sound so lovely.

Take time out to educate yourself. Read up on abusers, narcissists and how to spot red flags. Do the Freedom Programme. Finish the Lundy Bancroft book and get some counselling. Bouncing stuff off a third party is really helpful in processing your thoughts and feelings.

Meanwhile, go rescue some turtles in Costa Rica or build a roof on an orphanage in Africa. Climb Mt Everest or see the Pyramids in Egypt. Get out and find the real ‘you’ again

🤗🤗🤗

Thank you for your advice :) Fortunately I don’t think he can access my phone, but you’re right, when I’ve called it what it is and said you’re verbally abusive he (obviously) kicks off. Basically says he should be able to express himself, that I’m too sensitive and unrealistic etc etc

I did wonder this myself. You know when you’re outside of a situation and you see things happening to someone else, it seems so obvious. I really did think I was quite aware, perhaps arrogantly. But I think this has happened over time and I know I can be forgiving. Within the first few months seeing him he’d had a few melt downs and I remember thinking this is more intense than anyone else I’d dated and also found it a bit smothering. I should’ve maybe walked away then, but even my mum saw it as him being really into me. It’s a hard call to make sometimes when it doesn’t feel cut and dry. But if it were physical, it really would be cut and dry xx

Ohh thank you for your lovely reply! I hope you are ok now and are happy and well??

i have reached out to my trusty therapist who id secretly seen in recent years when this all kind of reached a head. I need to work my way through some of the embarrassment I feel. I was happy to be engaged. Have the ring, plan a wedding. So I’m caring what people think now I realise what’s going on and called it off. I think I got carried away with the thought of a fairytale, as opposed to being happy about the happily ever AFTER part. I just feel a bit stupid, really!

xx

I think the trouble is that your mum isn't the best template or judge, given she's got her own relationship problems which you'll have absorbed just by growing up with it. He seeing things filtered through that prism wouldn't be a reliable sense check when you were doubting what was going on.

Ohh thank you 😘 there seem to be so many wonderful people here, I wish we could all gather our traumas, have a good chat over some wine and start a village somewhere tropical and dance the night away 🤣

I am having moments now where I wonder, what would it feel like not to put myself second in situations because I’m not having to worry about him kicking off? If I think about it, I get rather resentful. I think all this time, I’ll do things like, if there’s any noise outside the house at night and it wakes him, I get anxious because of the mood it’ll put him in. Or if he’s driving the car, and there’s traffic, I’m feeling worried that he’s going to kick off about going wherever we are going. Another one is me asking permission for visitors, and I think my mum tip toes around my house too, worrying if he’ll be asleep and she’ll wake him, or put him out in some way. She’s a bigger people pleaser than I am, so it’s no wonder she also hasn’t perhaps spotted these things as an issue.

probably the case for many, many women, but I’m the cleaner, the caretaker, often the cook and I have a career. He’s out working all hours at the moment, but in his days off, he absolutely does what he wants and is best for him. I almost feel guilty doing so.

I also think this is conditional. I wonder when I age, or if I gained weight, went through a depression. I do not think he’d be the one supporting me through and loving me regardless xx

Yes I think you’re right there and very observant. As a child, probably from age 6 or so, I used to stand up to my dad when I was worried about my mum. I love her so dearly but in many ways I do sometimes feel like the parent. Again, he was never physical with her, he was more so with me, and I’d have rather taken that because I felt more strongly about her than myself I think. So you’re right. I think I’ve absorbed some stuff that I haven’t managed to free myself of xx

I've not read all the replies here but just wanted to say you are better off out of a relationship with someone like that. I have come to the realisation I am a fixer and I always wanted a family of my own, to fill that void which I now understand I've had since a child.

However, unlike you I didn't walk away and brushed it all off, got married and had children. I thought and hoped it would get better but my wife was abusive and it got worse over the years.

The only good thing to come out of it was the children so I can't say I wish I never met her but, you know. Problem is, now we are separated she's trying to destroy me, post separation abuse and has taken the children too who I've not had contact with in five months.

So, take it from me, none of that behavior is normal, it's abusive and you will be better finding someone who you can live peacefully with because those types thrive on chaos and control.

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. If you need to reach out and talk about your situation, please know I am happy to listen and you can send me a message.

I hear you about being a fixer. Sometimes to walk away you think you need something more tangible. The emotional side is harder to spot and define, so it can trick you. My partner did improve and the outbursts were less, have been for a year or so. But I worry this is just to keep me, and he says how can he possibly keep up a facade and act for a year and that he’s changed. It’s all quite overwhelming

You won’t end up alone unless you want to be.
we probably all felt like that when relationships end. You’ve 100% done the right thing here, in a years time you’ll be very pleased you did.

OP,

Please reach out to access legal advice through work.

He is a nasty abusive bully and you need to sell the house and get every penny you can.

If he becomes aggressive, ring the police.

This is an awful man.

Call Womens aid for advice and support.

Tell people the truth about him and ask for support.

@Cdk92 Thank you, same to you :)

What I have learned is always thinking there is good in people that show you they aren't is a mistake. Same as I now understand they are masters at deception and keeping a facade, it's like second nature.

Mine now has an entirely new facade that is being sold to new people and they are none the wiser. That facade is only in place to portray a victim story and secure everything, while trying to throw me under the bus.