I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

Oh this is so so kind 🥺🥺 I cannot begin to tell you how overwhelmed I am with your offer. I would truly love someone to talk to. And to feel less isolated. I know this is just the beginning, I don’t know how bad things are going to get, or what happens next. It is all new to me. I have to find a way but I’m so, so glad I came here. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so heard, so understood, and by people who’s life experiences give them the best angle for advice xx

I was with someone very much like this. We could not resolve conflict in a healthy way because he had anger issues which he would not resolve. Everything I did was for myself was ‘selfish’. He kept telling me I was lucky to have him, how did anyone put up with me before him etc, but I didn’t feel very lucky because of the anger flare ups and the belittling remarks (I couldn’t even eat or breathe right… seriously). I knew deep down it wasn’t healthy, like you do. By the end of it many of my friends said I wasn’t the same person and I didn’t feel I was. I didn’t have any confidence left. He was a very cruel and insecure man (although I could not see the insecurity at the time). I was 35 at the time and we lived together. Like you, I constantly questioned my decisions. He wanted kids but I did not want my future children to have a father like that. That thought is what gave me the strength to leave.

When it finally ended it I was surprised by it being an easier break up than I thought it would be. Just not being around that poisonous man was all I needed to be happy again. To not have to constantly worry about what I said or did felt amazing. We went into lockdowns after that so I spent the pandemic healing, walking, cooking, reading etc and just looking after myself. I was honest with my friends and family about how he made me feel which made things easier and that meant they were able to tell me some truths too, about how they could see that I’d lost my spark, didn’t seem happy and they didn’t know how to approach it. Your friends and family may feel the same. It’s incredibly hard to be honest about someone’s relationship unless they are honest with you.

Now three years later I am with a kind and wonderful man, exactly the kind of person I hoped I’d end up with. We have a baby together and I am happy, healthy relationship. I see our baby with my partner and I feel so incredibly grateful that I got out of that nasty relationship. However, if I was single and childless today I’d still feel a million times happier and more confident than I did with that man.

You know it’s not right and you are stronger than you think. I hope hearing a similar story gives you some strength to leave.

You are still young (younger than I was when I left) so please don’t let one twisted man’s version of love affect you any longer. And you are definitely not stupid! If they’d acted like this at the start we wouldn’t be with them would we? They reel you in by being charismatic, loving etc and then bit by bit reveal their true shitty selves. You are clever enough to have understood that his behaviour is not right before the wedding and cancelled it, so well done you!

You say yourself you have a good job and are respected. Think of the person you were before you met him, or the person you are before you get home, what would she tell you to do next?

What he is selling you is not love. Please continue to follow your gut feeling, your body is trying to get you out of this situation. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can start making steps to a life where you are happier and have inner peace again. The old you is still in there and you are strong enough to leave and start a new life by yourself, I promise!

Get legal advice re the house, ignore his toxic BS, stay strong and take each day as it comes. I wish you the best of luck!

Cancel those wedding arrangements immediately. Don't worry about losing any money. You would've lost it if you got married anyway. I think your boyfriend sounds so horrible that I would do all my planning secretly. Do you have one friend at work who can help you make plans?

Thank you so much, life is full of lessons isn’t it. I just feel defeated right now as I do believe I have had my share. Pathetic really, but when the proposal happened, I got carried away on a magical belief that this really was my time to be happy, that this man had changed, that it really was someone by my side forever. The reality is, the ‘love’ is situational; it only exists when I’m doing as he thinks I ought to, which is looking after him, being a career woman, raising his children, and being happy about it all the time. No complaints, burnout, requests are allowed here xx

Thank you, you’re so kind. Yes, I think my brain has taught me to feel I’m a wretched person, not worthy of a healthy, happy relationship. I’m very small and slight, I think I’ve also believed that my child-like appearance makes me ugly. And this relationship is bringing me those grey hairs, thick and fast :) I want an unconditional love, and pray it is out there waiting for me some day. I love your story and hope you are truly happy. Someone kind enough to help a stranger like me truly deserves it xx

OP you are not a failure at all… give yourself the same advice you would your best friend or your daughter. Would you think of either of them as a failure for leaving a relationship behind that made you incredibly unhappy? No, you’d be glad they’re getting out of that situation and even be super proud of them for making that decision.
Somewhere out there is a good man feeling exactly like you do, in fact there are many. But no matter what you do, you need to always put your own happiness first. That’s what every parent wants for their children. ♥️

thank you so much. I pray better days are coming xx

So many of us have walked in your shoes. I got pregnant at 18 in 1970, you got married then. He seemed such a quiet gentle soul.... till we got married, moved away from family, didn't drive. Parents lived in a village, very difficult to get to. I thought he loved me so much he didn't want me going out without him etc. It was control the violence started. Police weren't interested in those days. I had nowhere to go to leave (did go to a battered wives refuge for a while,it was awful. He always was "sorry". Fast forward,he tried to kill me, I left divorced,at 40, didn't think I could function on my own. Met a new bloke (at work) married,baby, still together 34 years later. Please let us know how you get on ❤️

I’m crying at your lovely story 😘 and I’m so glad your happy time has come, it sounds like just at the right time for you! What a wonderful outcome to a difficult situation.

I’ve pondered deep down whether this was tenable. If I hadn’t been so scared of the truth, I’d have faced it long ago. I put it off, lied to myself and pushed the danger signs aside.

i need to find my inner healing place, and work with her to find the strength to cope with being alone, to an empty phone, to no calls or words of affirmation. Talking here has taught me the world is full of kind people. But I know eventually the messages will stop, and I have the face the music and the empty feeling of no one to love me like I want someone to xx

I do work only with men. I don’t really have anyone to turn to right now. And I love my mum so dearly but she’s so forgiving and in a bad relationship with my dad herself. I think she’s frightened to see me alone and unhappy, she does try to see the best in him.

I love this. Thank you. I would be proud of them. I’d understand their fears and I’d want to support as much as I could. When I went through a break up before now, I did struggle for support outside of my mum as my friends all have their own lives now. I understand of course. But it does add to that ‘being a burden’ feeling xx

There are worse things in the world than being single, and being stuck in a relationship with someone who belittles you and makes you feel like you can't trust your own instincts is one of them. I can't promise you that you will find someone better, but I can promise you that even if you don't, you can have a happy and settled life on your own. If you feel like there's a pattern to your failed relationships, try to work out what that is, and how you can stop history repeating once you're ready to date again - this may require a therapist's help, and I've heard good things about the previously mentioned Freedom Programme. But give yourself time by yourself to work out what it is that makes you happy and what you really want out of life, not what you think you ought to be doing to live up to the expectations of others.

OP you sound like a really lovely person and you deserve so much more than this guy. Stay strong, you’re making the right decision and better days are definitely ahead

Ohhh I’m so so sorry you had to experience that!! We have come such a long way in realising what people go through at home and supporting them. You are so strong to have gotten through that and out the other side! I will message here for as long as people don’t mind hearing me :) I honestly could never have expected the kindness I could’ve received on a forum from some women who sound so wonderful (well, there could be men among us, I ought not to assume!) xx

Thank you so much 🥺 I know I am very sensitive and I feel everything. I’m trying my best and sometimes I wonder how I’ll get through life xx but I have to find a way not for me only but for my family xx

This is so true. I’m most frightened of the silence ahead on my phone. Of all things, that and the emptiness at home. But perhaps I’ll learn to fill those silences and voids xx

You have achieved amazing things by 33: your own house, a good job with respectful colleagues and best of all the wisdom to know not to bring a baby into this situation. Well done for being strong enough not to do that as now you're freer to start again and cut all connection with this guy. And you may not be " too sensitive" . That may be a lie he has bombarded you with for years but doesn't make it true. Get some counselling. Is it available through your work or set some up. You have a good handle on why you need to split but having someone to turn to when he starts the pressure on you to stay will be helpful. Be prepared for lots of tears and begging from him but it won't last.
As said many times here; you are young. You have achieved a lot; here's to the next stage.
You can do it. Focus on taking care of yourself.

You'll be a different person once you leave him. It won't be like you are now. The silence will be filled with self worth and happiness. You have far more chance at happiness without him, don't waste a single minute more of your life in this relationship.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It is heart wrenching and stressful to be in your situation where you're analysing and double guessing yourself. Only you can know what's best but give your heart, your head and your gut some airtime to help you decide what to do.

I am 46, have just come out of a relationship which wasn't right for me and I am now 'alone'. And I can report that it's actually ok over here in 'aloneland'. In fact each day I spend in it seems to get better and better. And less alone. The fear of being alone is a lot worse than being alone. People zoom in when you come out of a relationship and there's more time and motivation to reach out to others, so suddenly I feel more connected and loved than I have for years.

If you feel like you are in a relationship because you NEED him, rather than WANT to be with him, then there's an issue.

Good morning. Really sorry for your situation. But to say that things will change and hold on to one person is an illusion. It's the first resentment you have that counts. If your heart is not at peace, then you might as well stop right away.
And then, maybe you necessarily want someone who has a good situation like you that you didn't want to pursue other avenues. In my opinion, you should end this relationship and go free. And, you will start to look at things in a different way. Take a little vacation to rest. Sometimes it's better to start all over again than to persist in something that might not work.

In a few years you will look back and be amazed at your own resilience. It's hard initially, but you get through it. I was very isolated after getting rid of my abusive ex (thanks Covid!) but even then I remember thinking to myself, I'd rather live this this for the rest of my life, if it comes to it, than ever get back together with him!

I'm still putting myself back together but it's so amazing - I have new hobbies, new career, better self awareness, and most of all, I have peace!

OP, at this time you may feel your life is ruined, but it is far from that:

1. You identified in time that his behaviour towards you is inadequate, selfish and abusive.

2. You recognised, on time thankfully, that you should not marry this man

3. You have no way to know this yet, but divorcing someone who is self employed is like trying to catch a slippery cat. It us a full nightmare when it comes to split assets that have been recategorised as “mutual” due to marriage.

4. Having children with a man like this can only make things worse, much worse. It will make it more difficult to leave and to keep any future children’ wellbeing/welfare protected. His status as self employed practically guarantees that you are highly unlikely to get the right amount of child maintenance even if you send the Child Maintenance Service to pin them down. There are so many ways to hide income when self employed, this goes from cash in hand on basic level to them lowering their salary and and putting any single valuable assets as their company’s asset which are paid for by “the company”.

5. You are 33, I would not worry too much about freezing eggs just yet… it is now very common for women to have babies all the way to their early 40s. You have almost a decade to rebuild your life, find another person and have kids.

6. You may feel a mess at this time but, wait a few months and you will notice how wonderful life is after leaving a bad relationship, you may need a bit of counseling, perhaps doing the Freedom Program to find away to avoid falling for another man like this and when you feel ready, try again.

Be kind to yourself OP, you are lucky you can dodge this bullet. Whatever deposit you may lose, whatever hurt pride, it will be easy compared to trying to divorce this man.

Wars are not won in one go, you will have a lot of battles to go through to disengage yourself from this man and to rebuild your life. There will be dark times like now when you will feel you lost the battle, but at these times you only need to allow yourself to retreat, take a step back, cry a bit, accept all the love, help and friendship from people around you and, when you feel a little bit stronger, charge back.

Best of luck 💐

Thank you so much, I just want to give the biggest hug for saying this. Fortunately for me I was single for a large period of my twenties to work on career. I’m not a CEO or anything and I’ll still have financial struggles alone, but I think I can manage. I have reached out to a therapist I used before. He helped me reach a place of more clarity and strength, so I hope I can get there again and be ready for this. Thank you for hearing me and for helping me to piece this together, you can’t begin to know how it helps xx

I think you show amazing strength to realise what you have, straight after paying the wedding venue deposit. Think of that - if you can't get the money back – as a downpayment on freedom for the rest of your life.

You say you 'ought' to have your life sorted at 33. there's no ought. You can do as you choose. Maybe you want to explore the world and your own mind and values. Maybe you need time out. You clearly have the presence of mind and self-preservation not to allow yourself to stay in this useless, draining relationship.

Set yourself free. Take away all shoulds and oughts and think instead about needs and wants. It might sound a bit self-help-y but it is true that when we start treating ourselves as we wish to be treated by others - with respect and joy and tranquillity, then we attract similar people into our lives. Focus on treating yourself and conducting yourself in the manner you want an ideal partner to. I bet within 18 months you'll have met a new man who is loving and kind and calm and intelligent.

Thank you. I must work on myself brick by brick and build the old me, who I think is back in my mid twenties but life was challenging since then. Perhaps I can find the old me with some wisdom gained from the past few years. I just want to meet a kind, loving, emotionally stable partner. I don’t really want to be alone, but I wish I did xx