I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

I must find a way of better filtering the cnuts in future. My radar is off

I agree.

I spent a lot of time trying to work out how a man who said he loved me could treat me like that and the I realised, its like to trying to answer the question "Why is yellow". Yellow is yellow, abusers abuse. Its that simple.

You are not stupid and you weren't put on earth to be shouted at and abused. This guy would grind you down to a shadow of yourself if you married him and worse if you had children with him. Definitely better on your own till Mr. Right comes along. Wishing you all the best op.

Listen hunny, a man who makes you feel this way is not a keeper. You would be better off spending a lifetime single than putting up with this shit! I am 60 - trust me, you are still so young at 33! I'd been with my partner/DH since I was 21, and we only had our first child when I was 34. Please don't 'settle' - I can tell you from my experience and friends' experience that it never ends well!

yes I’ve spent a lot of time, reading, listening to podcasts, even therapy he didn’t know I was going to. I know this isn’t right. I’ve ignored all of it because I haven’t found the strength to face the reality. I have to do this, for myself and for this one precious life xx

Thank you so much 😘 my current level of self worth doesn’t allow me to hope right now, but I know today is the beginning xx and beginnings bring hope whether I feel it or not

You’re so right 💋 perhaps I will see if I can afford to freeze some eggs. Although I can’t see how I’ll be in position to have a family now, it feels as though time may evade me

He is a horrible individual. Telling you that you won't find anyone else that will love you like him and then he is verbally abusing you ect.
I know when you get to your early 30's it seems like everyone is in a couple, getting married, having kids and buying a house.
At least you realised what he is like before marrying him or having kids with him.
A man like him will get worse when your pregnant and have a new born/small child. Being honest your better off single than in an unhappy marriage with 1 or 2 small kids.

I would end things with him. Get legal advice re the house and see if you could buy him out.
Could you rent a room out in the house to help you pay the mortgage? Look up the tax situation if you were to do this.

Tell your family and say a close friend what happened as you will need some support over the next while. It won't be easy but you deserve better than him.

You’re intelligent.
You’re kind.
You’re compassionate.
You’re empathetic.
You’re beautiful.
And you deserve to be treated that way.
Never settle for anything less.
Sending love. ❤️

@Cdk92 - can you go and stay with you mum for a few days while you come to terms with your decision? Say nothing before you go about your intentions to end the relationship. Say your mum is under the weather and you're concerned about her - note his reaction.

There is no time to waste on men like your fiancé. I did. Biggest regret of my life - how I wish I had listened to my dad, when 30 mins before going to the church, he said to me - are you sure? Life did not get better when we were married it got worse - and the list of my misdemeanors/ mistakes got longer in his head - so the arguments got longer! Walking away and starting again was empowering. Be brave. Life is not a dress-rehearsal.

That feeling you think is love... it's a lie.

You feel like you can't survive without him...

But this is because he has made you lose all self respect, lose trust in yourself and your ability to do things, your ability to make decisions and get shit done..

He has destroyed or at least broken, bits of you, so that you now depend on him.

On top of that, he is vile to you and then in comparison the moments when he is just simply 'not vile'... 'normal'.. will FEEL like it's amazing, like he is wonderful, fantastic, loving, caring...

The more he flip flops between horrible and not horrible, and the more unpredictable that is, the more you will feel that 'not horrible' is in fact wonderful... thats a function of our stupid brains unfortunately.

The relief when feel when someone isn't as awful as expected is huge, it floods our brains (its why adrenaline junkies do what they do, the relief of 'not dying' is super powerful and they seek it again and again!).

This is not love - someone who loves you will make you feel like you can do anything, not that you can do nothing!

Darling, walk away. You are young and deserve so much more. In 5 years time I promise you that you’ll look back and wonder why on earth you were so afraid to leave.

You are young.

Your life will be wonderful.

You have lots of time.

You are not a burden.

You are loved by your family and friends.

If you are struggling to walk away, imagine this was happening to your daughter. What would you tell her to do? How would you want her to take care of herself? You deserve the same love and care. Sometimes it’s easier to see what’s going on if you take yourself out of the picture. It makes the abuse much clearer to see.

Lots of us have stood in almost identical shoes to you. We’ve felt the same fears. And we have fantastic survivor stories to tell. We are proof that life can get so much better than what you’re enduring now.

Don’t let him steal your future. You have got this 💪❤️

I broke down and cried when I read your first post. This vile abuser has done a fine job on you, backed up by a society that has convinced you that you "need" a man and must have one and keep one. Newsflash: you don't.

I understand you 100%. Because when I was 33, I also believed all those lies. I'd been thoroughly brainwashed to believe that the key to my happiness lay in a man, and I went from one to another to another, in a fruitless search for happiness and security before I found it - in myself!

I have not a commune but a large, safe house shared with 3 other women, one of them the same age as you. I have a room coming vacant soon, as one lady is moving for her new job. Maybe my south coast location would suit you (PM me). If not you could find another such house. There are more choices in life that to either be alone or be abused.

Feel free to PM me anyway, perhaps we could set up a phone call or video chat. I know what it's like to be in your situation and will do what I can in terms of emotional support and practical advice to get you out of this dreadful situation which is wasting your precious life.

Hi @Cdk92
I'm so sorry you're going through this xx
I remember the day my fiance ended our engagement, we had booked a venue, invited friends and family, i had bought my outfit. Honestly my lovely you are so strong to have put up with the crap. You deserve to be loved and respected. I have no doubt that you will get through this hun, there are better, happier and amazing days ahead ❤ xx

When I was your age, I was also very frightened that I'd end up alone, OP. But my issues were due to having no self esteem, believing I was ugly inside & out, and feeling completely unlovable. I felt people were talking about me, laughing at me for still being single at my age. Strangely, though, I always knew that I was better off alone than in a relationship that made me feel even worse than I already did.

I didn't start seeing my husband till I was in my late 30s so please know that you do have time still.

I think that once you can be happy in your own company, and have started repairing your mental health, that is when you'll start giving out messages that you are self-assured, happy and will start to attract the right kind of partner. If that's what you decide you want.

Sending a hug.

Op just from your replies you are a strong woman and you have self respect. It's hard now. I felt the exact same way. I was your age and stuck around because I wanted to have a baby and was afraid to start over. He actually left me. Thank God. And I had my daughter at 36. You can do this! Hugs and best wishes

Don't think of it as starting all over again.

Think of it as reaching a plateau from which you can survey your surroundings and plot your true course.

You are well shot of this jerk. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Hopefully, you'll gradually shake off the anxiety and other damage a toxic man like your ex fiance tends to cause.

It’s ok to be terrified. And no it’s not weak to feel that way. You feel like this because he has brainwashed you into thinking you can’t cope without him. It’s emotional and psychological abuse.

Make your plans, get practical and legal advice and get out ASAP.

Don’t even THINK an about dating again until you’ve done the Freedom Programme and build a new and happy life for yourself. You need to fix your picker, otherwise you will jump from the frying pan into the fire.

A very good friend broke up with her fiancée less than a month before the wedding. They weren’t right for each other at the time, argued relentlessly, and they honestly made the best decision for them. Family was hurt/angry, deposits were lost, prides were bruised. Everyone moved on with a little time. She truly knows herself now. What she wants, what makes her happy (it wasn’t him). The wedding that never happened is paid off and she really does laugh about it now. Not marrying him was a blessing in disguise.

Well done for recognising this now rather than going ahead with a marriage which you know isn't going to be good for you. You will get through, hard though it might seem at the moment. Just trust your judgement, and take one day at a time - and I wish you all the best for your future.

He’s said it’s because I don’t want children and am too weak to cope with them, and that I should feel lucky he wants to have them with me.

A vile man.
Emotionally abusive and manipulative.
Get out.

You can escape him.

Make a plan. He is so toxic and abusive.

lots of things you can do:

take your important documents eg passport, etc to work and leave them there

does he go away at all? Weekend away? Where you can clear the house of your stuff? Loft, shed etc or put in storage

literally move - rent somewhere else and go or a friend you can stay with?

do the post redirection etc

solicitor and offer for him to buy you out or sell 50/50

you aren’t married and you don’t have children

toxic and abusive people can be difficult to leave as when their supply is being cut off they can do whatever they can to reel you back in

well done for recognising it

Regarding a baby do it alone / and not with him.

Don’t bring children into this please don’t or you will have him in your life forever.

once you have left - don’t communicate with him by email or whatever just through a third party solely about the house - nothing else to discuss

Thank you, re. the house, it’s a good idea. I don’t have the cash to buy him out, I guess I’d have to get a loan of some description to pay him off. I’ll hazard that he would do everything in his power to get me out, which, rightly or wrongly, makes me feel really angry. The thought of him getting to stay in a home I so lovingly designed and kept clean and nice all these years. I reckon he’d try and get someone to come on the mortgage with him. His brother or parents. He’s self employed, so I believe he may struggle to get the mortgage in his own name, as his money is tied up in a company. I wonder whether perhaps I can get legal advice through my company’s employee assist programme…

Thank you for your advice, from the bottom of my heart. I’m pretty mentally weak right now, so I am very worried about being dragged back. I have to find the strength and right now I don’t know where I’ll find it. I’ve had a couple of hours sleep and feel I’ve woken from a bad dream. I’ve reached out to the therapist I spoke to before, he helped me to find the mental strength to prepare to leave before. Sadly, and stupidly by me, I bought into the dream that he really had changed this time, and for almost a year it really did feel like he had. I have to figure out how to remain strong. He’ll also kick off today as I’m meant to be assisting his brother with being a Guinea pig for a situation he needs for his job, which I no longer feel I can or want to do. This made him very angry last night, perhaps because it highlights that I do helpful things for him and his family often, and it highlights the one-sidedness of our relationship. My family know not to ask anything of him, because he’s ‘too tired’ or ‘too busy’ with work. I’m such a fool, I’ve even defended him when they’ve ever asked if he might be able to assist them with anything and said how tired he is. Surely a partner ought to be happy to help their extended family :(

How could he want to bring children to this life he regards as fit for me :( no offence meant to those in this situation with children, but I think it would break me. At least where I am, I have the ability and headspace to sink into a hole for a day or two. I just need to find a way back out xx