I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

Agree. I'm doing this with my son. I'm sure I'm not the only one to expect high standards of emotional intelligence from my boy, others must be out there. It sucks they aren't more common though.

@Cdk92 how are things going ?

I was predominantly raised by women when I was younger and I was taught from an early age to talk about feelings and emotions, respect women and not be like the men I saw growing up.

They also instilled that I shouldn't rely on a woman and I was taught to cook and clean, washing, ironing, how to be with children, everything so I could take care of myself and do my part in the future and be a father.

That did work, I am not like most guys I don't think. I get on better with women than men, I struggle with men, always have. I enjoy communication, will talk and listen about feelings and like physical contact like cuddling and holding hands etc and I raised my children from new borns.

The only problem is it obviously went too far and I ended up with the wrong woman and got abused myself. I saw it in the men but didn't think it would come from a woman least of all my wife.

So now like the weird man I am that can talk about emotions, I've put myself into therapy to prevent that happening again and hopefully at some point meet someone who's not abusive.

@Catsafterme sorry to hear that your good nature was abused. Respectful relationships are an absolute joy, and anyone who bullied this way is incapable of ever reaching those highs. I hope your children took after you and appreciate you, and wishing you a happy relationship one day.

@PimpMyFridge Thank you. Yes, I've come to learn that but didn't understand it at the time. Unfortunately, she's weaponized the children and withheld them so I haven't seen or spoken to them in six months now but I'm fighting for them as they too are now in danger. Slow process but hopefully soon.

Please don’t think you’re weird, more men who have a handle on their emotions are needed to teach the next generation to do better x

Thank you for asking. Sadly I failed in many ways and have not been as strong as I should. My low self esteem leads me into doubting my own judgement, so I find it very hard to find my own boundaries and stick to them. I have tried many a self help book, maybe too many, but I haven’t yet found, or built the strength to fully exit. I am also aware I sometimes choose denial for an ‘easier’ life. A strong woman I feel I am not! 😞