I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

Dear OP, it is very good that you recognise that this relationship (or others) are not what you want/need. And it is very good that you break them off rather than get stuck in them (even though it takes a while! It is hard! And lots of people sadly stat). It shows that deep inside you know what is not right for you and that you still have courage left to keep looking

i could have written a lot of what you’ve written. I had a series of bad choices in men since my 20ies and by age 34 was considering to break off another bad relationship. I felt that it was my last chance at family and kids and was saying goodbye to that. It was very sad and very scary.

however at 33 you have PLENTY of time. What you need is therapy/inner work to stop attracting and choosing men who treat you badly.

in my case, I spent money on therapy, hypnotherapy, relationship coach, actively dated outside my usual circle and read books by Lori Gotlieb and blog by Evan Marc Katz (my problem was that I was choosing attractive unattainable d**heads, over reliable men who wanted a good relationship, yours may be different). I am now happily married with kids.

so it is possible- don’t write yourself off and don’t commit to long life of abuse. You deserve better. It is not your last chance. Deposits are just money. This is sunk cost fallacy.

wishing you the best!!!!

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m trying my very best to be a good person in this world. I have to be hopeful that abundance of love is out there for me. Luckily I have a wonderful set of ladies in my life; my mum, grandmother, sister, aunt and friends. But I’m so desperately sad at feeling like the black sheep; it is just me who has relationship problems. They’re all stable and I wonder if something is wrong with me :(

Ohh this is so helpful, thank you! This horrible narrative that we as women expire beyond a certain she certainly did is dirty! I do doubt my mental strength right now, but when I was close to leaving before, it left permanent damage to the relationship and I think I wanted to believe it would never go back to that place again, but I think I always knew deep down; men like him don’t change. This can’t be love. But when things are going his way, and I’m pandering to his needs, he’s the most outwardly loving partner I’ve ever had. How could someone be this way? Why do I give the ‘why he does what he does’ any thought at all, when he is crushing my soul and spirit? I no longer recognise myself.

Life is never “done”. You don’t eventually find the right set of decisions that you to the - Success you win - screen. You aren’t late getting to anywhere. You make the best decision for you at the time and sometimes that means lots of changes and sometimes you get to a section of the journey where everything seems stable.

I’m 46. I’ve been married. I’ve had long term relationships. I’ve lived abroad. I’ve been pregnant and been mum to a baby and a preschooler. Currently I’m “enjoying” menopause, have a relatively new boyfriend and am mum to a teen. Life is different now to how it was 10 years ago, it was different again 15 years ago and even more different 20 years ago. It’s not worse. The start of relationships is great. I sometimes wish I could just do the first 6 - 8 months and then restart. All that excitement and hot sex!

This guy is a bad choice for you. Leave him, start a new chapter. Date and have hot sex. Enjoy all the stages rather than worrying that you haven’t moved on to the next thing yet. Don’t be 46 and regret the great things you didn’t do or the crappy dude you settled for because you were trying to get to somewhere instead of just trying to be happy now.

I’ve already told him in no uncertain terms it has to be over. I was so desperate, the conversation was started my me. I had thought about it for a few days, I was going to ask if there is a way that we could disagree more respectfully (by we, I mostly mean him, but I’m also not proud of who I’ve become in this relationship as a result of fear and desperation). I honestly thought he’s changed now, what I’m asking for is reasonable, and he’ll not want me to feel these ways I feel; belittled, disrespected, intimidated at times. He’s very clever in the way he twists things. He said I shouldn’t feel like that in a relationship, therefore why is he with someone who feels like that. I said if there’s no compromise then I have no choice. Can you believe, he’s twisted it that it’s his choice, even though I literally sent the email to wedding venue cancelling it? Even in the face of losing me, he still must feel in total control and power. He also said if I feel strong enough to cancel the wedding, I ought to call the police because he must be so terrible, and proceeded to laugh. How do you communicate with this? I don’t even understand the communication style, then again, what does it matter?

my mum is on a well deserved holiday, left last night. As is my sister. I’m going to go and pick up my beautiful family dog today, another loyal lady in my life. Thank you so much for hearing me today xx

Very sound advice. Thank you. You’re right about the thrill of the first six months. I’m sure you can imagine, with this current situation, everything and I mean everything, is very much one sided. So excitement in that department left for me a long time ago! I’m scared I’ll end up childless and sad about it. But what is meant for me I hope will find me at the right time x

You're leaving at the right time, you still have time to meet someone else and start again, I did. Married at 38, 2 kids by 41 💐 xx

Also I had never heard of the sunk-cost fallacy until now, very useful to know!

Thank you, I love this for you. I have to believe there are good men out there, one day and when I’m ready, who couldn’t want to treat me in these ways. I never realised someone could be this awful to their partner, it’s me, I’m in it. And still, I care about him! I feel a fool!

Something is very right with you. You are intelligent, articulate and expressive. You know when something isn't right and you're acting on it. All will be well.

He also said if I feel strong enough to cancel the wedding, I ought to call the police because he must be so terrible, and proceeded to laugh.

You don't communicate with that, no point.
It just shows you how patethic he is and desperate to keep manipulating you but couldn't come up with a more intelligent manipulation at that moment.

Thank you, that’s so kind of you to say. If I allow myself to look at the person I was before, I have had some wonderful life experiences and am very fortunate with the family I have around me. But I think I’ve always been a little lost. Something I give off allows me to be taken advantage of in relationships. I don’t move too fast or jump in quick, but I think I people please, hugely. Sometimes I wonder what I wouldn’t sacrifice for the happiness of my partner. I don’t know how to stop that, making people happy and help others, makes me happy. At least in the short term xx

you’re right there, if it wasn’t me in it, and I were giving advice, I’d say this was a laughable response. It’s just so tough because I am in it, and it’s my whole life, or a huge chunk of it, that I know will now change and I was so desperate for there to be an alternative. I so wanted a relationship where you can respectfully work through things. This is a relationship with someone who cannot be ‘criticised’, and where I do all the supporting yet he still said that even though I have a full time career, I’m not supportive enough of him. How ironic when I’m not sure he’s ever supported me through anything, he just smothers everything with affection. Sometimes, all you need is an emotional safe space. He is not safe, emotionally he’s been so dangerous for me. Now look at me :( I’ve no idea who I am, what my life could look like.

If you were my friend I would think you were so awesome to have the guts to cancel your wedding because it wasn’t right.

You are so young you have plenty of time for you find someone to have kids with.

One day you’ll look back and realise how amazing you were to do this for yourself.

It will be hard while you sort out the house because the worst parts of him will come out but it’s temporary. If it gets too much I’d consider having a friend mediate between you.

best of luck x

When you have to work so hard and negotiate for basic respect and decency, this is not a solid ground for you fo walk through years of your life on. He’s not going to be able to weather anything with you, if he can’t be solidly on your team WITH you, even when times are good. I’m mixing my metaphors terribly, but you get the gist -

I am glad for you that you’re being spared wasting your future on a person who attacks you from inside your home and heart, where you should be completely safe.

don’t waste time looking back or hanging on, OP- heal. Give everything you have toward your own healing and learning, so your next relationship is much better than this one. In healing, you’ll find that you’re no longer attracted to anyone who could talk to you like this. Damage dances with damage, and when you heal, you find yourself drawn to more healthy people.

build your future on that vision, and cut him loose- he served a purpose in your life, in showing you what’s still left to heal. It’s not time wasted. You are young!

you have better things up ahead.

I know it doesn't feel like you have your whole life ahead of you but I promise you you do. Don't let this one man destroy a life of happiness. If you marry him it will be so hard to leave and even harder if you have a baby. You will be forever tied to him. You will look back and realise this was the opportunity to leave. You are strong. Stay strong. Don't let this man steal your future. The sooner you leave the sooner you can make your fresh start.

Thank you, it means a lot. Honestly, I have no choice. I know this’ll get worse after marriage, and I can’t allow my family to see me destroyed further. They’re such kind people, they forgave his precious behaviours and put it down to a bad temper. Eventually there’ll be nothing left of me. I know I have no choice, but honestly, I’m sh*t scared xx

Thank you, you’re so right. Imagine there were any poor children feeding off his treatment of me and my sadness. It would be so much worse still xx

I hope you got a few hours of sleep and you can plan your next step to leave him today. Better to have lost money on a wedding venue than have all the hassle of a divorce. You’ve dodged a bullet so be proud of yourself for that. Be really kind to yourself and get yourself away from him

Thank you so much, honestly I’m welling up as I never realised how heard I could feel by posting on a forum on the internet. Everyone has been so helpful and caring, it’s advice I’ll genuinely keep and use forever. I suspect I have wounds I’ve not healed from and in truth I don’t know how I will. This feels like another. My ex fiancé knows I have traumas from my relationship with my father, and at my lowest points with him, he’s reminded me that everyone else is moving on with their lives and that I’m alone. I only have him. I must find a way to be happy alone. I don’t know how, or where or when, but I must xx

Thank you. The pain is very real this morning, the reality is a brick wall. But I know the days ahead are the hardest. It has to get better, eventually it always does. I just hope I can get through this with my job, which is mentally very demanding x

Thank you, all of this is so true, and our brains are our rulers often time aren’t they. I probably am like a junkie right now. I mean I don’t touch drugs and I don’t drink, but I think you’re right. This breaking me down to build me back up has left me hooked. Now how to get off the roundabout!! Xx

You don't know yet what you could handle emotionally until you go through it. Until now fear was holding you back however you may end up feeling great relief for ending this relationship in future. You may love him but you got rid of someone that was toxic and a bad energy around you. I think now is the time to practice self love. Think of the kind of talk you have in your head if it is very negative think of yourself the way you think of a friend and your thoughts about yourself should reflect that. I suggest counselling and building up your self esteem. Focus on your happiness and the right man will come along.

Thank you so much. I’m sobbing, but near believe it’s all for the right reasons. All of your stories and thoughts have been so wonderful, encouraging and supportive. I cannot thank you enough for hearing me today xx

Please hang in there and stay strong to your decision! Your situation sounds similar to mine. I'm almost 33, Together almost 5 yrs, engaged, and dealing with verbal outbursts and gaslighting.
I didn't have the courage to end it for the same reasons you are panicking about, but he made the decision to walk last night and was gone by 9pm. I had to spend the night of course having it all twisted round on to me. He's waiting for me to chase and beg which he as good as admitted to!!!
You are not On your own. If you are struggling and would like to speak to someone going through the same thing and dealing with someone that sounds very familiar then you are welcome to message me. Stay strong though and don't change your mind. You've made this decision for a reason and I can only wish I had your strength and mindset x