I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

I meant to post in response to your question here:

'Why does he do that?'

Because he is controlling and abusive. I'm very sorry.

OP I ended up leaving an abusive marriage after having a child with my ex husband. As much as I love my child I often look back and very much regret not listening harder to some of the subtle yellow flags he was putting up pre-marriage and getting away then. If it helps you to think of things this way then trust me it’s much much less time wasted etc if you get out now rather than later on!

Oh and he didn’t hit me either until he did about 2 years into the marriage. It generally doesn’t start with physical abuse.

You are young and no ties, thats a good thing surely .This is a toxic RL sadly.You have a good job ,family support and a house you can sell! Society tells women they should have a RL/Family and if not they have failed somehow .Your Sister had a baby very young so has missed out on her youth. Theres is always a snag! Just take a break FTM and you will feel better .Being emotionally abused is bad enough now .Fast forward 10 years and it will be a 1000 times worse with DC in the mix.What if he starts on them?

Dont feel frightened of starting again. Feel excited about it. It cannot be worse than the abusive relationship you are in. You are early 30s so still plenty of time to have your family but not enough time to spend on this man who will never ever make you happy.

Step 1: Block ALL contact with him. No last chances. No hearing him out. He might be able to behave for a while but once he has you tied down it will all start again.

Step 2: Focus on YOU for a while. A few months. Work out what it is you want from life. Do things that make you feel relaxed and happy. Perhaps start a hobby or find a shared living situation that finds you some single friends your age.

Step 3: Dip your toe in the dating pool. Try some dating apps but don’t expect anything other than a few fun dates at first. Message for a few days and (important!) have a chat on the phone before you meet them. Plan a short first date and then take it to dinner and drinks if it’s working well. Do not take rejection personally and run like the wind at the first red flag.

There's no rule that says you have to have your shit together at 33. And there's no rule that says having your shit together means being married.

You're youg, way to young to spend decades in a horrible relationship. If you think you're ground down now, trust me it'll get worse.

Ending things is the right decision, you are looking after yourself and tkaing control of your life. So you DO absolutely have your shit together.

I left a 15 year abusive relationship aged 35 after decades of drug and alcohol abuse. 12 years later I'm clean, sober, a home owner and in a wonderful, mutually respectful relationship. Let me tell you I was the last person I thought that would happen to you.

It sounds like you're ready to stop selling yourself short and that's wonderful news. the next few months will be touch but you're strong and you WILL come out the other side. And trust me, great things await you.

My DD is exactly the same age as you and earlier this year made the brave decision to end her 14 month marriage (no children) They’d been together 7 years.

She realised her and her husband wanted totally different things and had totally different expectations from marriage. It sounds as though your fiancé is is a much more difficult character than her husband was - we were very fond of him, they just weren’t well suited at all - but she had a major wobble before the wedding, which we all put down to nerves as it had been cancelled 3 times because of covid, and that should have been a red flag.

With hindsight, I would say please totally trust your instincts and don’t try to please anyone else except yourself. I think underneath, DD was worried about letting everyone else down, got caught up in the trundling juggernaut of the wedding preparations and just needed to jump off and say ‘stop’
He made numerous promises to change but soon slipped back into the habits that were the issues between them - and he was a pretty ‘good’ guy!

I promise you will be so much better and happier in the long run by moving on now, rather than once entangled in a marriage and all the complications that that would bring, especially to someone who sounds as though he brings his own issues into the relationship. I can see my DD already blossoming and looking as though a huge weight has been lifted from her shoulders now she has made decision and even though it’s a bit messy sorting out the splitting of assets, she feels stronger and more able to cope now she has distanced herself from the emotional side.

oh I love this for you so much. And what lovely news that you have a family and a wedding ahead of you, so many exciting things to celebrate. Almost feels like fate you being here, specifically being 33!! I’m quite literal and it really helps to find someone who is (almost) in the same situation. As you say, the best could be to come. If you don’t mind me asking, I think I struggle with what the expectations are for a healthy, loving relationship, how does a good man act? How does your relationship feel? Do you have conflict? And how do you resolve it? Xx

Ohh good for her. You must feel so proud of her to have made that very brave choice. Also, it must’ve been so hard for you to see her going through that. As a mother, I’m sure you must feel every ounce of pain that she does. Honestly we were sold a dream of marriage and all this shiny stuff, and the expectations that come with it from society. Wouldn’t it be nice to not feel any pressure. I guess I could choose not to feel that pressure, but I’m a sensitive soul and I question everything. Thank you for your kind support and lovely story, I wish you all the happiness in the world, along with your daughter xxx

I’m so proud of you!! Those are absolutely huge feats to have overcome. I hope you give yourself a jolly good pat on the back every day and take in your successes.

I think I must first become at peace with being alone forever, and never having a family, and finding that ok. Perhaps only then the rest will follow. I have forgotten what it’s like to live for myself, rather than for this relationship where my basic need for emotional safety is not met xx

I do forget there may be loads of lovely girls my age to become friends with and find a new lease of life outside of a relationship with a man. Thank you for your advice. Perhaps I’ll try to make a daily action to feel better about myself, and figure out who I am and what I need and wand xx and maybe one day it will present itself

Sorry what I should say is my sister has been in the same job since 17, she did wait to 33 evidently to have her daughter :) honestly there’s so much strength and support on this page, I’m so grateful and hope one day I’m in a place to give sound advice myself xx

Thank you, well done for getting out of that situation. I do hope you are ok? It is very selfless of you to share your experiences to help others, and it is appreciated xx

Yes, I need to watch that film ‘he’s not that into you’ or whatever it’s called. You know when you try to find a way of sugar coating something that stares you in the eye. I guess if something presents itself as crap, it probably really is crap!!

Lots of good advice here OP. In the very short term, you said your mother just left on holiday. Rather than picking up her dog, would she be OK with you dogsitting at her place while she's away? Just to get you out of the toxic atmosphere for a few days and collect your thoughts. Failing that, at least make sure to move into the spare room.

Hi, I felt really moved by your post so wanted to say hi. You are still so young and have exciting times ahead. It’s not too late to start again. I’m 42 and this year I married a wonderful man and am expecting a baby. I started learning the harp when I was your age and now I’m a wedding harpist and love it. Don’t feel you have to follow societies norm of being married or having kids by a certain age. Do what makes you happy! Good luck for the future x

I was very proud of her and thank you for your good wishes.

Her husband was ‘ok’ and whilst not emotionally or physically abusive, he was just thoughtless and unaware. Not the greatest sins, but enough to make her unhappy. it would have been the easiest thing in the world to just ‘put up with’ his lack of drive and unwillingness to change but she decided she wasn’t prepared to be second best to his online gaming and disinterest in much else.

Since starting out again, she’s rekindled old friendships, become involved in outdoor activities- which he hated - become generally more healthy, as when together they spent a lot of weekends drinking as their main method of relaxation, and already met someone who shares so many more common interests. She’s not even planning long term, just enjoying this new man’s company.

Several people said to me when they found out, “You must be furious after the cost of the wedding?!” But I’m genuinely not. I thought she was happy going through it at the time, but ultimately her happiness and state of mind is far more important. The day was great and I just look back on it as that.

As I said before, if you gave the slightest doubt - and the fact you’ve come on here and so eloquently summed up your feelings, shows you do - please don’t do it. You so easily could be my own daughter and if she has confided in me the same way as you have, I would have supported her decision totally to end it. My daughter has subsequently said she felt if she didn’t go through with it she was worried she was letting everyone down and that’s so sad and unnecessary. Xx

Ahh bless you. And good for her, it sounds like she’s fallen on her feet and fab to just enjoy the new situation for what it is. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in a fairytale, and I think we might find more happiness in just living life instead of trying to tick all of these boxes along the way!

I do struggle a little as I’m much more feisty and fiery than my mum and sister, so when I express a worry or concern, I think they do perhaps wonder if I’m overreacting, or if it’s just another facet of my personality. I do wonder whether I’m not really cut out for relationships right now. But you’re right about not wanting to disappoint people. If I were talking to a friend in my position, I think I’d say you absolutely must take the path that feels right for you. And if it means walking away, then so be it!!

thank god for wonderful mothers like yourself who is there to support her daughter. I bet she’s so thankful to have you!!

Ohh bless you, I’m so glad you did, and thank you 😊 also such a beautiful instrument and a lovely job to have! Very exciting news for you about your new man and baby on the way 😊 I wish you lots of happiness and thank you for passing me some hope that things can still work out xx

That’s a good idea. My dog is actually at my grandmothers and I’m pretty sure I cannot access the alarm system at my mum’s. Fortunately I do have a spare room, I could stay there, just makes me cross that he does tend to bully me out of the nicer room which is much cooler :( but in the scheme of everything else, I’ll take that just for the distance and hope he leaves me be xx

Thank you. This has been so helpful, as I’ve had a chance to spell it out and see people’s thoughts on the matter. Everyone has been so overwhelmingly helpful and kind, truly I’m blown away by this forum and am so happy to now know of its existence. Lots of amazing people here xx

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice, and I just love all these stories of it working out for the best in the end. It really helps me to believe it will be ok xx life will get better

OP, if you are staying with your fiance for the time being, just be careful he does not access your phone/laptop or this thread. He doesn't sound a safe or reasonable person to be about at the best of times. Please think of your safety.

Thank you and what an encouraging quote. Perhaps starting over or the option to do so is a very lucky thing. I’m scared of the silence, but I know deep down I’m helping myself x

Honestly the number of women who sadly end up replacing their partner’s mother is disgraceful. I don’t want it to tarnish my view, but sadly I have become a little cynical of whether there are real life, grown men who would be happy to be my partner. Not my dependent physically and emotionally. I am not looking forward to the attempts to reconcile later, as frustratingly it is in my nature to try to understand the feelings of others