I think my engagement ended today, could really use a friend

[Cdk92]

Hi everyone,

I could really do with a friendly ear to bend tonight. I am wallowing and I’m sorry if this is hard to read.

I have so much to type but I don’t know where to start. In short, I think I may be stuck in cycle in my relationship of knowing it’s unhealthy and destroying me, but I also feel stuck and almost frozen in fear. I know it’s doing bad things for my mental health, but when I try to walk away, I then feel desperate and fear that I cannot cope with another failed relationship, this time an engagement. I’m scared of time ticking away, and that maybe I’m not destined for a happy and ‘settled’ life.

I’ve just paid the deposit for a wedding venue. I know, I’m so stupid. I have felt for a long time that this relationship destroys my inner peace and I’m a nervous wreck, but then I get blindsided into thinking it’ll change. I’ve actively known about the disrespect to my person and I just stay, find excuses. I dislike myself for that.

Tonight, I’ve come to the realisation that this can never work no matter how frightened I am of starting again (again). All I want is to be treated with respect and to have boundaries for ways I don’t want to be treated, and my now ex fiancé just refuses to understand or abide. He says he cannot communicate any more respectfully, that I expect too much. The communication, by the way, used to be shouting, screaming, silent treatments, swearing, thumping the floor, telling me I should call the police when I’ve said it’s verbal abuse. Generally then belittling how I feel if I push back, and saying the issue is with me for not being supportive enough of him and his life. We both work full time, he works longer hours right now, I’m picking up all the slack doing all the home stuff, but he sees that as a given. I feel like a slave, both in terms of the work split and in how I’m spoken to and treated. I do not know why I am still so scared to leave.

I’d so appreciate someone to talk to. I’m 33 now, I’m meant to have myself together and feel I’m a failure. I have lovely friends but they’re all married now with young kids. I feel I’m a burden to friends and family with my life and how it seems to turn out.

I have a good job, but my situation at home is affecting my mental health. I need to take some time away from the office tomorrow, I’m not sure how I’ll approach this yet :(

thank you for reading if you got this far

x

Far better to lose a deposit for a wedding that would destroy you. Get out now, while you can. You don't have children together and you have a good job and friends and family to support you. Do you have a low self esteem? Could that be why you are drawn to men who belittle you and take you for granted? Ask him to leave. Ring work and ask for a few days holiday. Better pain now to sort your life out than a lifetime of misery. Sorry it's hard but it's the right thing for you.

Thank you for your reply. One of the daunting things is, he’d never leave. Any time things have been bad, I have to leave. He wouldn’t ever even move to a spare bed, I think it’s power and control. Not love. I think I do perhaps have low self esteem, I guess I don’t think too much about it but the fact I’ve let this happen suggests that maybe I do.

Thank you. It is so nice to talk to people who have had other bur similar experiences. I feel heard, validated and less alone x

Then you need legal advice.

You are trying to leave an abusive relationship with a shared property.

He has intimidated you to leave before.

You want the property sold.

You want your rightful share.

Call Womens aid for advice and recommendations for good local legal advice.

But ask in work too.

Good advice, thank you. I did call them once in the past. I am left feeling like this is as good as it gets and am feeling cynical of men. That’s probably very unfair on the good men, and I’m sorry if I offend anyone by saying that. But part of me honestly thinks how do I stop this from happening again, am I just better off alone

I think if you’re a genuine person it’s just so hard to understand how someone could possibly pretend to be someone they’re not for weeks, months, even years. It sounds utterly exhausting to me. Then again, I am treading on egg shells and doing things I don’t really want to do to keep things calm. Which is probably equally as exhausting!!

I also cannot say I haven’t lost my sh*t during this relationship. Sometimes I have snapped and I find myself shouting and swearing, which I’ve never had in a relationship before. I know that’s wrong of me, but I get moments of ‘how dare you make me feel like this in my own home’

I think The Six Pillars of Self Esteem, or other self help books on self esteem, might be a good read for you.

Good idea, I’m pretty sure these employee assist programmes offer this kind of advice. I guess you get back what you each individually invested. It’s a tough one as I bought the ‘stuff’, he did the renovations mostly

OP I think you are stronger than you think. Recognising abuse is hard , you’ve done that and are making a plan. Don’t deviate. You need him out of your life as soon as possible.
No one can fill a hole or emptiness inside us that’s something only we can do ourselves. You keep mentioning your age. Why. You are still very young. Don’t let this man cloud your sense of self.
Focus on the practical and don’t second guess yourself . Do something brave and for yourself- is there somewhere you’ve always wanted to go or do? There’s lots of singles activity breaks could that help build your confidence?

Thank you for the suggestion, I’ll have a look at that too. I need to find time to do some secret reading that’s for sure :)

There are unfortunately a lot of bad men out there, genuine ones understand this so don't feel bad.

It's hard to believe that someone can be that false until you witness it for yourself and others you talk to that haven't experienced it just don't understand and never will. Others who have though can spot it a mile off.

The problem is sometimes, in my case anyway, even though haven't retaliated in any way and kept calm and took it all. They have no qualms in painting you as a monster once they loose control.

You are not trapped, as much as it seems that way. There is a way out, it may be difficult sorting everything but it will pass and it's far better than putting up that behavior, which in a lot of cases escalates further down the line.

Hmm I think I’ve always been a bit lost with what I actually want in life. Truth be told I wonder if I’m telling myself that I want to settle down and have a family. Or perhaps I really do I just don’t know what it feels like to actively plan for it as I’m not with the right person. I don’t know. Oh there are many more places I’d love to visit and I’d love to try cycling holidays too. I get breve and imagine it but the hurdles in the way right now are also pretty daunting

I don’t physically have anyone around me who understands sadly. I think the person who may do more than most is my lovely nan, but we recently lost our grandad and emotionally I can’t place any burden on her by telling her what’s going on truly.

I’ve also felt nervous about his family. They’re very tight knit. They enable the behaviour I think. When he lived with them I think he’d come home in foul moods and they felt sorry for him and did everything for him. I think there’s a lot they still do for him in terms of life admin, but I tend not to ask. I feel that when they find out, they’ll accuse me of lying and saying he’d never behave that way and that it’s me etc, which will be hard as they’re much more forthcoming and I’ll be dealing with this alone. I can’t drag anyone else in to support me, and bless my mum she’s too soft for this, it would make her too anxious I think

I wouldn't worry about his family, they are bound to take his side regardless but if you know you haven't done anything wrong and you are not comfortable then that's all that matters.

The result of behavior like that, which is emotional and psychological is that you lose your self esteem (which if like me was low already) and you are conditioned into thinking it's you that's the problem and you doubt constantly.

I'm still having bouts of it now but not as strong, was it me what did I do, maybe if I did this...but I can't find anything that would make anyone treat someone that way...

If his family ask you why your broke it odd you DONT tell them all the details . Because yes, of course they will defend him. You just say something vague like

I realised that we are not right for each other / we are not compatible / i couldn’t see us spending the rest of our lives together / I realise I’d didn’t love him and it wouldn’t be right to go ahead and marry him/ yes I realise it’s a shock for everyone / better a broken engagement than a broken marriage / yes I realise he has lots of good qualities but it would be wrong to marry him if I don’t love him.

You do NOT tell any of his friends and family anything bad about him. They won’t believe you and it will just cause a big fight,

Sorry you're going through this.

This could have been written by me back when I was 32.

I had all of the same feelings and worries, we were due to be married the following summer and deposits paid on most things.

NYE was the turning point, I knew what I needed to do.

I sorted myself a mortgage, and bit the bullet. I told him how I felt, he was shocked and it did not go well. I stuck to my decision and got on with it.

The house took ages to sell and it was hell living together but I made it.

Years later now and I'm with 'my person' and I've never been happier. I have no regrets at all.

Good luck OP. x

Thank you for your advice and yes you’re right. Ultimately it doesn’t really matter what they think, although I guess it could make my life more difficult.

I think I perhaps had low self esteem before. This would also explain why I was and still am sometimes, willing to let things slide that I suspect other people wouldn’t. I have a friend whom I see as strong and I don’t think she’d have accepted this. It’s just so hard as it can be shrouded in very affectionate behaviours, expensive gifts, thoughtful acts etc xx

Thanks, maybe you’re right, or at least best to keep very vague like I don’t feel we are compatible in the long run. Which isn’t a lie. I just hope I’m not pressed

Thank you so much for the advice and glad to hear you’re out of the other side, happy and well.

the living together part I’m worried about. I don’t think he will think I’ll really leave. I even think he believes me cancelling the wedding is just a reaction. We’d only made a down payment so I don’t think he takes it seriously or realises how strongly I must feel to have done that

Yes I have had a similar experience with someone who said that situation I was in they wouldn't have stood for and that I need a back bone. They are stronger in that sense they take no nonsense.

So in one aspect I'm destroyed right now but on the other side it's kind of a life lesson. I now understand I need boundaries, can't be fix everyone, not everyone is who they seem and I can't allow it to happen again.

That is also the problem with those types too you may find, they like that box you are in. Mine manipulated me afterwards for a while and the moment I said no and stood up for myself shit hit the fan. That told me everything I needed to know.

Certainly I think it might be worth taking some time to recalibrate.

Leaving an abusive relationship is gifting yourself freedom.

You could be single, or find a wonderful man, or a string of relationships. Any of these things can be rewarding and fun.

Honestly OP, anything is better than being in an abusive relationship.

Thank you. It’ll be a long and difficult road ahead. It does feel sad right now, I thought it was genuine. But deep down I know that this person would rather invalidate my feelings than face up to what he is doing to me. Someone who cannot face it will never change

It is tricky isn’t it? I wasn’t born cynical, and cynical doesn’t feel like a fun way to be. But I do think a degree of cynicism can help. I think women are raised to believe a relationship is the centre of their universe and the ultimate goal. But perhaps if we opened our expectations and started to find happiness outside of relationships, life might be happier? Easy to say, I know. The heart wants what it wants and romantic relationships and love can literally rewire our brains. Perhaps we need to start focussing more on ourselves as individuals and figure ourselves out, love ourselves more and get in touch with sides of ourselves we might not know exist. Wishing you well on your path forward in life xx

Nah, I think men need to be re-educated to value relationships more and to behave with integrity, fairness, and respect.

So much food for thought; thank you