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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help! 71 year old Husband not coping with retirement (and taking it out on me!)

207 replies

Char65 · 05/09/2023 09:06

I’ve not posted on here before but have heard of Mumsnet so looked it up on the internet (and have tried to learn what all the numerous abbreviations mean!) as I need some much-needed advice about my marriage, and I don’t really want to talk to any of my friends as they all know my DH! I married DH in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and amazingly we have been together 33 years! The time has just flown by! We have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. He had a very high-powered job in the City of London so earnt a lot of money and he also inherited a lot of money too and had a lot of investments and property. My own background was a lot more modest, and I liked the fact I didn’t need to work and could just be a SAHM and look after all the domestic stuff which I did well and enjoyed. We had some domestic help too, so I was able to shop, do the “ladies who lunch” thing, go to the theatre and to the gym and do all the hair and beauty stuff because of course I was a Trophy Wife (although I didn’t even know what that meant when I married!). We lived in a couple of houses around London and now live in lovely seven bed house in the Home Counties – I even have my own dressing room! Over the years we have had some great family holidays and mini breaks and social occasions at our house and all in all things have been pretty good and we’ve wanted for nothing. The children all went to private schools but didn’t board so were home all the time which I loved. When DH was about often he was working (he had an office in our house years prior to the pandemic) or playing golf but we’d socialise a lot and I’d get glammed up for some black tie event or to go for a meal or functions with our friends or his colleagues which I loved. Then in 2018 he finally retired! Great I thought at last I’ve got him all to myself! Long walks in the country with our dog, lots of holidays (we have a villa in Spain), visits to National Trust properties etc, etc. It all started fantastically well and we went on an unforgettable three month world cruise and then of course the pandemic happened and lockdown which caused a lot of friction between DH and me. By then our oldest son was married and our two daughters had finished Uni and college and had jobs and were living with their boyfriends so it was just the youngest DS at home who annoyed DH as he dropped out of Uni (he got fed up with studying online) and had no job. When we came out of the pandemic DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house which wasn’t helped by youngest DS who sat in his room all day playing computer games and made no move to do anything (although I have just got him onto a computer course at a local college so that may help). DH has always been quite serious and old-fashioned and everything’s a bit “my way or the highway” with him so he can be a bit difficult to live with but when he was working he liked the fact that everything ran smoothly at home and he could just come in and put his feet up, relax and let me take care of everything but that’s all changed. I try to suggest things, but he doesn’t like gardening (we employ a gardener), he doesn’t like DIY and never does it, he doesn’t like reading fiction and we don’t have the same interests in terms of things like the theatre which I love and there’s only so much golf he can play! He did look at becoming a magistrate but is too old. DH’s job was very stressful, he worked very hard and long hours and he went abroad a lot so a lot of the time I was like a very well-off single mum so I know I’m also partly to blame as my routines have changed and I really miss running around after the children. I love him so so much and can’t imagine life without him so what I can do to support him? I fear I am losing him and he doesn’t love me anymore! Our eldest DS’s wife is expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in October and she plans to go back to work part time in the New Year and leave her with us 3 or 4 days a week (we live quite close by) and although I’m really looking forward to it and am preparing a little nursey I’m not sure how it is going to go down with DH whose already like a bear with a sore head without a screaming baby to further annoy him! Any advice would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
Malin2Mizen · 04/11/2023 11:16

My friend minds her DGc fridays. She began with one, then felt she couldn't do less for later ones. She now does school drop off and collection, as well as minding smallies. She says she couldn't do it without her DH. He usually does the drops and collects. But. She only does it in school term, so she has school breaks, Summer off etc.

When she began this, she was saving her children a day of crèche fees. The way they are funded now (Ireland ) I don't think this would be the case. But my friends that regularly mind their DGC, do have great relationships with them.

Char65 · 05/11/2023 12:57

I am pleased to report my DiL had a baby girl yesterday, all healthy, so let the childcare begin!

@Malin2Mizen yes agree with this - my mum and dad often used to babysit for us and stay over night. My dad loved doing the school run with me and the children loved it too.

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 05/11/2023 14:14

Char65 · 05/11/2023 12:57

I am pleased to report my DiL had a baby girl yesterday, all healthy, so let the childcare begin!

@Malin2Mizen yes agree with this - my mum and dad often used to babysit for us and stay over night. My dad loved doing the school run with me and the children loved it too.

Congratulations 🎊 OP

PosterBoy · 05/11/2023 15:02

Sweet! Congratulations to all

Thistlelass · 06/11/2023 02:07

I think he might find it beneficial to meet with a counsellor. I actually hate being retired myself, but at least I only live with my dog. Seriously this may help him sort out in his head how he feels about his working life having come to an end. It would also potentially assist him to identify goals he would like to attain at this stage in his life.

Char65 · 06/11/2023 07:53

Thistlelass · 06/11/2023 02:07

I think he might find it beneficial to meet with a counsellor. I actually hate being retired myself, but at least I only live with my dog. Seriously this may help him sort out in his head how he feels about his working life having come to an end. It would also potentially assist him to identify goals he would like to attain at this stage in his life.

Thanks I think things are sorted now! (I hope) I'd over committed myself on the childcare for GD which was really really annoying him (I didn't know!) and now that is 1 day in the NY when DiL goes back to work (?) and then we had a talk about things and what we wanted to do and he made it clear he didn't want to be a NED or do anything stressful but just enjoy his retirement and go to our Villa in Spain and cruises and the auctioneering etc (which he seems to enjoy so that was a good suggestion from here - and typical of DH he has already made some money out of it!) and then we had a sudden bereavement which made us think about things too so hopefully now we have a a better understanding of each others point of view and things will be easier which is not to say there wont be bumps in the road.😀

OP posts:
Willmafrockfit · 06/11/2023 09:00

wishing you both happiness

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