Help! 71 year old Husband not coping with retirement (and taking it out on me!)

[Char65]

I’ve not posted on here before but have heard of Mumsnet so looked it up on the internet (and have tried to learn what all the numerous abbreviations mean!) as I need some much-needed advice about my marriage, and I don’t really want to talk to any of my friends as they all know my DH! I married DH in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and amazingly we have been together 33 years! The time has just flown by! We have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. He had a very high-powered job in the City of London so earnt a lot of money and he also inherited a lot of money too and had a lot of investments and property. My own background was a lot more modest, and I liked the fact I didn’t need to work and could just be a SAHM and look after all the domestic stuff which I did well and enjoyed. We had some domestic help too, so I was able to shop, do the “ladies who lunch” thing, go to the theatre and to the gym and do all the hair and beauty stuff because of course I was a Trophy Wife (although I didn’t even know what that meant when I married!). We lived in a couple of houses around London and now live in lovely seven bed house in the Home Counties – I even have my own dressing room! Over the years we have had some great family holidays and mini breaks and social occasions at our house and all in all things have been pretty good and we’ve wanted for nothing. The children all went to private schools but didn’t board so were home all the time which I loved. When DH was about often he was working (he had an office in our house years prior to the pandemic) or playing golf but we’d socialise a lot and I’d get glammed up for some black tie event or to go for a meal or functions with our friends or his colleagues which I loved. Then in 2018 he finally retired! Great I thought at last I’ve got him all to myself! Long walks in the country with our dog, lots of holidays (we have a villa in Spain), visits to National Trust properties etc, etc. It all started fantastically well and we went on an unforgettable three month world cruise and then of course the pandemic happened and lockdown which caused a lot of friction between DH and me. By then our oldest son was married and our two daughters had finished Uni and college and had jobs and were living with their boyfriends so it was just the youngest DS at home who annoyed DH as he dropped out of Uni (he got fed up with studying online) and had no job. When we came out of the pandemic DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house which wasn’t helped by youngest DS who sat in his room all day playing computer games and made no move to do anything (although I have just got him onto a computer course at a local college so that may help). DH has always been quite serious and old-fashioned and everything’s a bit “my way or the highway” with him so he can be a bit difficult to live with but when he was working he liked the fact that everything ran smoothly at home and he could just come in and put his feet up, relax and let me take care of everything but that’s all changed. I try to suggest things, but he doesn’t like gardening (we employ a gardener), he doesn’t like DIY and never does it, he doesn’t like reading fiction and we don’t have the same interests in terms of things like the theatre which I love and there’s only so much golf he can play! He did look at becoming a magistrate but is too old. DH’s job was very stressful, he worked very hard and long hours and he went abroad a lot so a lot of the time I was like a very well-off single mum so I know I’m also partly to blame as my routines have changed and I really miss running around after the children. I love him so so much and can’t imagine life without him so what I can do to support him? I fear I am losing him and he doesn’t love me anymore! Our eldest DS’s wife is expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in October and she plans to go back to work part time in the New Year and leave her with us 3 or 4 days a week (we live quite close by) and although I’m really looking forward to it and am preparing a little nursey I’m not sure how it is going to go down with DH whose already like a bear with a sore head without a screaming baby to further annoy him! Any advice would be much appreciated!

Weirdly, it sounds like he needs another job - committee member, group leader, parish Councillor- if he feels useless and bored, he'll pick holes in anyone for want of anything better to do

He sounds like he needs something to fill the void. You aren't short of money so I'd advise another hobby. Something that keeps him young, something active or that uses his brain so he isn't constantly nitpicking everything. Is there any sort of community groups he could join?

A church or charity fundraising group or neighbourhood watch team?

Take up hiking or agility or something with the dog?

Or learn a new skill or sport like horse riding or tennis? Even another language? Maybe for a country you'd like to visit. Anything to occupy his brain really.

I agree he needs to join the board of a local charity, arts organisation or something that fits in with his interests. I spent years on a board with lots of men like that - formerly very high flying city types, too restless to retire properly, so they were active in the voluntary sector until well into their eighties in many cases.

It might also be good for him to do something a bit out of his comfort zone - I have known a few people do things like work putting together parcels in a food bank warehouse.

U3A etc also worth trying. Is there a Probus group near you?https://probusclub.net/clubs/

I'd see how he gets on with a grandchild around. I know quite a few grandfathers that were fairly hands off parents, that now are super hands on with their grandchildren. He might surprise you, especially when the child gets a bit older.

If the opposite should happen and he doesn't enjoy having a grandchild around, then that would hopefully act as additional motivation to find an additional hobby or volunteer role to occupy him.

OP, you need to assert yourself.

Your husband has morphed into a grumpy bully and you need to stop tolerating it.

You have become his emotional punching bag and it will only get worse.

I think you taking on a childminding role 3-4 days a week is frankly madness.

It will be hugely restrictive for you, and I imagine your husband will hate it.

You have had so much freedom for so long, being tied down with a baby will likely be a huge shock for you.

As the baby becomes a toddler it will only get harder and more exhausting.

You need to be firm with your husband and insist he pulls himself together.

Could he be depressed?

If so, send him to his GP.

You are me are of the same age and you need to be enjoying your life.

Rethink the childminding, far too restrictive IMO.

I agree with everyone he needs to be doing something to give meaning and structure to his life. Charities, local volunteering, local history society, consultancy work etc.

Equally it’s really important that he doesn’t start treating you as one of his staff. Make it plain that you won’t tolerate criticism just because he’s bored and doesn’t know what to do with himself.

There must be more to him than golf!

I think a nursery is a good idea for the baby and by the time the child is two they will be off to preschool a few mornings a week and you’ll have an amazing bond with your grandchild.
For your husband I think he needs a role. Either joining something existing or setting something up. Locally we have community transport charity who have a dial a ride bus and then many volunteers who use their own cars and the users pay per mile. Also community fridges who distribute surplus food. There will be many other possibilities that need someone with his skill set to set things up and then be the organiser
My dad walks the dog, spends time in his garage and helps his children with diy and other random jobs

It's not a childminder, it's her grandchild. I have one of our bedrooms set up as a nursery for when one of my grandchildren stay - it's perfectly normal.

@Iwantyourloveiwantyourspirit sorry, my last comment was for @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If you had a 7 bed house , only one young adult child at home and had agreed to care for a baby grandchild a few days a week it would be frankly weird to NOT have a nursery set up.

Volunteering, music, sport and exercise, consultancy work, non-executive director. He sounds rather dull as well as grumpy. My DH retired in his mid-fifties. He’s found plenty to do. You could probably do some of these things too, if you wanted to get out of the house.

Eh? How is having a nursery for a baby you'll be looking after 3/4 days a week weird? Seems sensible to me.

Edit: ugh, was meant to have quoted this comment I wouldn't. Our childminder the babies sleep either in their strollers or a travel cot in a space in or just off the main room she uses for childminding so they are visible to her (not tucked away in basically a bedroom!)

I've never heard of a childminder having a separate nursery set up! And we visited a fair few and have friends use them.

I’m a nanny and children just slept in their own room. Because baby monitors exist. This scenario is more similar to having a nanny that being one of several children of a similar age at a childminder.

This could be my late Dad…..

He wasn’t high paid but had a degree of status. He couldn’t let go and so worked until he couldn’t. In his early/mid 80s.

No hobbies as such, not many non-work friends as work had consumed so much of his life. Looking back he never learnt how to relax.

Quite a sad situation especially as some aspects rubbed on onto my Mum.

He couldn’t accept it that I wanted to go at 58. But what will you do?

As the op has said there is only so much golf you can play. And, I suspect, the futility of hitting a small ball into a hole may grate.

So…. You could carry on as before but step up the ladies who lunch ( + keep more out of his way)

Or tackle the problem. He needs an outlet, a visibly worthwhile outlet. Its hard to give up status.

School governor - always needed, worthwhile and quite an experience.

Voluntary work, it may be public facing - charity shop, soup kitchen, or backroom stuff.

Freelance consultancy. Something along the lines of his previous work.

My MIL was in an assisted living apartment - you could tell those who hadn’t accepted retirement/change of status. They walked round the place with a clipboard.

All the best.

He needs a couple of non executive directorships to keep him engaged.

I don't think its been mentioned so could he be interested in buying and selling art or antiques? He could go round the good auction houses in London and subscribe to their catalogues. That sort of thing takes ages and is interesting! He can also go to all the antique and art fairs and become an ''expert''. OR he could set up his own online share portfolio - there are lots of sites available - which he managed every day himself? One can spend hours deciding what companies to buy or sell!

Childminders who have big houses have dedicated play rooms some have garden lodges with bathrooms, kitchens and play areas I know a friend who's house is so big the entire ground floor is dedicated to work and has its own kitchen and bathroom. Similarly some have employees

Non-exec directorship? Parish councillor?

That's unfair there are single mums who are very well off the op didn't just say a single mum....and if her husband worked away for weeks she may well in effect be doing everything a single parent does. ....by the sound of it even when he was home he didn't lift a finger or get involved

Op it's a really difficult transition period personally I wouldn't have put up with his lack of involvement in the past but that's me if he was home sat on his backside now I'd be saying no this is a time where you need to be helping out so we can both have are own time and if you don't like the way I do things it's your job now as you obviously didn't like the way it was done over 30 years and can do it better.

Looking after your grandchild 3/4 days a week is going to tie you down, what about your holidays and villa, when will you get the chance to go and spend quality time with your DH (if his mood improves). We used our one set of parents one day a week alongside nursery, that way if we needed any extra weekend childcare we felt we could ask, and also if they wanted to go away we only had to find childcare or take holiday one day a week.

It's certainly not on to commit to looking after your grandchild three or four days a week if your DH isn't in agreement. But he needs to find a hobby or a cause to take up his time.

Does he know how much child care you e committed to ? That will scupper any plans of doing much together, he might not want to be a childminder.
You could do some lovely trips.
I'd advise him to do a course or volunteering.

Tbf we didn't need the story of your charmed life up until now, a paragraph on current situation would suffice.
My friend has been retired sometime and she never been busier, she's a community councillor, involved in gardening in the community, is organising the local library archive system.

That just says more about you than the men, though - a supportive partner would help them through it as the OP is trying to.
Might be best staying single!