Help! 71 year old Husband not coping with retirement (and taking it out on me!)

[Char65]

I’ve not posted on here before but have heard of Mumsnet so looked it up on the internet (and have tried to learn what all the numerous abbreviations mean!) as I need some much-needed advice about my marriage, and I don’t really want to talk to any of my friends as they all know my DH! I married DH in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and amazingly we have been together 33 years! The time has just flown by! We have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. He had a very high-powered job in the City of London so earnt a lot of money and he also inherited a lot of money too and had a lot of investments and property. My own background was a lot more modest, and I liked the fact I didn’t need to work and could just be a SAHM and look after all the domestic stuff which I did well and enjoyed. We had some domestic help too, so I was able to shop, do the “ladies who lunch” thing, go to the theatre and to the gym and do all the hair and beauty stuff because of course I was a Trophy Wife (although I didn’t even know what that meant when I married!). We lived in a couple of houses around London and now live in lovely seven bed house in the Home Counties – I even have my own dressing room! Over the years we have had some great family holidays and mini breaks and social occasions at our house and all in all things have been pretty good and we’ve wanted for nothing. The children all went to private schools but didn’t board so were home all the time which I loved. When DH was about often he was working (he had an office in our house years prior to the pandemic) or playing golf but we’d socialise a lot and I’d get glammed up for some black tie event or to go for a meal or functions with our friends or his colleagues which I loved. Then in 2018 he finally retired! Great I thought at last I’ve got him all to myself! Long walks in the country with our dog, lots of holidays (we have a villa in Spain), visits to National Trust properties etc, etc. It all started fantastically well and we went on an unforgettable three month world cruise and then of course the pandemic happened and lockdown which caused a lot of friction between DH and me. By then our oldest son was married and our two daughters had finished Uni and college and had jobs and were living with their boyfriends so it was just the youngest DS at home who annoyed DH as he dropped out of Uni (he got fed up with studying online) and had no job. When we came out of the pandemic DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house which wasn’t helped by youngest DS who sat in his room all day playing computer games and made no move to do anything (although I have just got him onto a computer course at a local college so that may help). DH has always been quite serious and old-fashioned and everything’s a bit “my way or the highway” with him so he can be a bit difficult to live with but when he was working he liked the fact that everything ran smoothly at home and he could just come in and put his feet up, relax and let me take care of everything but that’s all changed. I try to suggest things, but he doesn’t like gardening (we employ a gardener), he doesn’t like DIY and never does it, he doesn’t like reading fiction and we don’t have the same interests in terms of things like the theatre which I love and there’s only so much golf he can play! He did look at becoming a magistrate but is too old. DH’s job was very stressful, he worked very hard and long hours and he went abroad a lot so a lot of the time I was like a very well-off single mum so I know I’m also partly to blame as my routines have changed and I really miss running around after the children. I love him so so much and can’t imagine life without him so what I can do to support him? I fear I am losing him and he doesn’t love me anymore! Our eldest DS’s wife is expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in October and she plans to go back to work part time in the New Year and leave her with us 3 or 4 days a week (we live quite close by) and although I’m really looking forward to it and am preparing a little nursey I’m not sure how it is going to go down with DH whose already like a bear with a sore head without a screaming baby to further annoy him! Any advice would be much appreciated!

@EarthSight Your post is quite funny because one thing DH really liked was going out and showing me off, particularly to work colleagues, and that is another thing he definitely, definitely misses as a result of retiring! When I’d come downstairs in a designer evening dress or lovely new outfit his eyes would light up and he would lavish complements on me! He would also buy me gifts and presents. He also liked how friendly and “chatty” I was when we socialised. As I said in my post, he is quite serious and he was never a womaniser or a ladies man or anything like that (in fact he’d not had much experience with women before we married) and though I wouldn’t say he’s uncomfortable in social situations he’s not got the “small talk” and was more than happy for me to lead in that regard so perhaps someone saying “she’s really lovely and he’s a dick” isn’t probably that wide of the mark! When he was working we actually got on very well and very rarely argued, I’d look after the house and children and he worked hard and earnt good money and there were never any problems over that and when we went out together or with the children we always got on well and we still do when we go on holiday or on our cruises and when the children were with us he would actually “lighten up a bit” 😄(as my oldest DS used to say to him!) and could be good company because amazingly, and I think this was partly due to his age, he wasn’t one for answering emails and doing work stuff on holiday which he’s always really prized! As regards to intimacy our sex life has always been very good.🤗I do agree that he misses the power and status that work gave him and that's what he needs to replace. I should just add that he did do some consultancy work when we came back from the cruise when he retired but that was lost during the pandemic and he's found it hard finding a direction since, thanks again for comments and weblinks which are very useful. I am very pleased I joined MN and got such a range of good advice from you lovely Mumnetters! I really appreciate😀it

Gosh! This is a surprise!😮

OP, be very wary of any presumption of childcare on behalf of your DIL and son.

That is often a very disrespectful unappreciative presumption which will be a thankless long term commitment, which at your husbands age could cover his last remaining fit years.

Health is so precious and can be snatched away.

Your husband has worked very hard and provided excellently for his family.

To have these years restricted by childcare commitments you have made would be most unfair IMO.

I'm glad to read you are realising this.

Thanks I most definitely am! I hadn't really thought about the other children wanting the same when they have children and the amount of commitment 3 or 4 days will mean and the restrictions on us. I was over excited about the prospect of out firs grandchild! We will need to have a rethink on this🤔 (DH agrees!)

Hi OP I am not trying to be negative or judgemental as per a reply above. I’m sorry my comment comes as a surprise. However you have agreed with your son to look after your grandchild at your house for 3 possibly four days per week without discussing it with your husband. When you told him he has told you he doesnt want to do this and he doesn’t want a baby in the house most of the week. Then you have come on mumsnet to complain about your grumpy husband. People now suggesting he is in the wrong and even suggesting he must see a GP and maybe has dementia! You see this as a husband problem and have no insight whatsoever about the impact of your unilateral decision to end your nice retirement and life as a couple of free agents - having only recently had your youngest leave home. I will shortly be retiring at a similar age as he did after a long and high powered career. If my partner told me they had organised something similar for my retirement I would actually leave them. I am exhausted and I certainly don’t want to be a NED or a volunteer board member - I’ve absolutely had enough of that type of stress. Do you know what he wants to do? Have you asked him? Sorry to be so frank but with the rise and rise of retirement divorces you might just need to be a little more willing to look at things in a different way.

I agree with every thing @Char65 said.
I think you want to look after you GC because you only knew being a SAHM and loved it.
You should put your husband 1st and enjoy your life together.
You are lucky you have the money and propertys (thanks to your DH) to do this.

Totally agree with this. You've done your child care duties already earlier in your life.
Now is your time for yourself and your husband whilst you still both have your health 😊

@billy1966 @Rockandchips '@fetchacloth @Onelive @PineConeOrDogPoo @Dery

Dear All,

I just wish to clarify the situation regarding looking after our GC. What probably happened was DiL asked if I would look after GC when she went back to work and I said “yes”, then of course the details were slowly added as the time drawn nearer (at one point she was going to have a year off) but I do think DS and DiL assumed I would take care of GC because I’d been a SAMH, I wanted to do it and because we have a large house. Then I said about a nursery and DS said GC could have his old room and he’d help me decorate but I will hold my hand up and say I never really a discussed it with DH and although he did agree to it he probably thought (rightly) that it was already a done deal and he wanted to support DS who he has set up in a landscaping business so probably thought as I would be the main carer he shouldn’t interfere. Now, though I have questioned the commitment he says he totally agrees that 3 or 4 days is too much so that is a conversation we need to have with DS and DiL. Like a lot of things in families it was never actually “discussed” with all parties present and I should have perhaps had a more open conversation with DH but got carried away with the thought of the first GC! However, that doesn’t excuse his picking holes in me which started long before and is related, I feel, to his lack of purpose in life and lose of status and power. BTW we still have youngest DS living at home.

OP you really need to have the family meeting asap! She is going back to work early because she has landed free childcare! A friend looks after her GS one day a week or sometimes a fortnight in her DD’s house and covers emergencies plus occasional babysitting (the day a fortnight means GS is happy with her if she is needed for emergency cover). Something like this would be immensely helpful to your DS & DIL but you wouldn’t be committed to a daily burden. I can’t believe the cheek of them expecting you to do this. Also rather than trying to organise and manage the grumpy husband’s activities have you ever thought of doing something for yourself? A college course for example? Learn something new and get yourself out of the house!

OP, your son and his wife are hugely presumptuous to expect this.

That type of presumption is very disrespectful of you.

If you are not very careful you could find yourself in a miserable situation, trapped in your home with a baby and a grumpy husband.

I am the same age as you and I can't fathom signing up to being so trapped and tied down at this point of my life.

You need to spell it out to them.

"Upon reflection childminding will not work as your father has lots of plans and holidays in mind for the next stage of his retirement so we can't commit to regular childcare.
Of course we will do our best to help out in emergency situations etc."

I think the idea of it and the reality are vastly different.

Tell them asap so that they have plenty of time to make other arrangements.

Thanks for the suggestion but no! I actually have quite a full on life and do get out of the house a lot! We have a fantastic cleaner who also also does the ironing but I wash and cook and do other domestic stuff, I go to the gym, meet friends for lunch, shop and go to the theatre. I also have my hair done once a week and go for beauty treatments, so in that regard my life hasn’t changed a lot and is similar to how it was when the children were at school - I’ve just exchanged the mad, manic weekday mornings (OMG I don’t miss those days at all!) for a mad manic DH!

Well DH and I have just come back from DS and DiL’s house to talk about the childcare arrangements! DH said we’d had a rethink and he was only prepared to offer one day a week (they can choose which day) which we will offer to all the children when or if the time comes. We are still going to set up the nursery and we will still be available for emergencies and ad hoc childminding but DH said we wanted to travel and do things together and we were just not prepared to commit to 3 or 4 days a week long term but he would offer some financial help if they needed it to help them out as he accepted we'd messed them about! OMG it did not go down well! (and that’s putting it mildly) DiL started crying and said all their plans have been thrown up in the air and she clearly blamed me and DS got really annoyed and walked off in a huff! I feel terrible and I’m crying whilst I write this this, it was just so bloody awful! I hate arguments and I feel let everyone down! We are dealing with another big family issue at present as well so it couldn’t have come at a worse time. I want to phone or text DS but DH says I should leave it – he’s now downstairs calmly drinking a whisky and watching the rugby whereas I’m upstairs in bits!

I'm not surprised tbh. It did seem a bit of a sudden change of plan from lots to just one day, and they will be really stressed now about finding a nursery place as there may not be one available. Plus it's just more stressful - from loving gparents to big nursery.

Mumsnet will tell you that you did the right thing.

I’m sorry you have been made to feel this way but really it’s outrageous that they were expecting a 58 and 71 year old to do all their childcare and not have a proper retirement. One day, emergency back up and babysitting is an incredibly helpful offer. The good thing I see is that your DH is team you and backed you all the way. Why not sit and chat to him rather than sitting elsewhere in tears?

Thanks yes I am - I just needed to get this off my chest - hopefully I can sleep tonight as I've been worried sick about this. I'm so, very, very proud of DH. He's so calm and authoritative when he deals with things like this and doesn't get annoyed or emotional at all (unlike me!) . I knew once I'd raised it with him he'd act and that's one of the things I've always loved about him.

You did the right thing and it's kind that your DH offered to help financially. When you were a child and teenager did you have any dreams for what you wanted out of life beyond being a wife and mother? It's great you and your DH seem.to.be working as a team now but you're so fixated on helping him and your children I'm wondering if you've ever even thought of what you yourself actually want? Do you enjoy the beauty treatments and shopping for example.or do you just do it for him in order to get these compliments you've mentioned?

I think you should leave it. You shouldn't have offered so many days to begin with, but at the same time it's a lot to have expected from you. I'd love it if my parents could look after my son even 1 day a week. Grandparents and paid childcare is a much better mix. I hope your DH finds ways to enjoy his retirement.

That's great news OP and your DH has your back completely. FWIW I thought that it was completely unreasonable that your DS and DIL expected you to cover all the childcare - That's so unfair on you and DH when you should both be enjoying your retirement.
A really good compromise too of one day a week and an extremely generous offer of help for paid childcare .
Good luck to you both 💐

I'm around OP's age and several of my friends who do lots of grandchild minding have nursery rooms in their homes for when DGC is with them. I don't know what that poster was on about, just being unpleasant for the sake of it.

It wasn't going to go down well because finding alternative childcare will be expensive and difficult.
They are going to feel hurt and messed around.

But I think it was the right decision for you as a couple and they will probably understand that it is actually better in the long run for them as well.

At least everyone knows where they stand now.

@Char65

I agree with your DH, let it be for a bit. The idea of grandparent childcare is so appealing because you aren't worried about 'unfamiliar faces' caring for your child. Not to mention the economic factor! Your DS and DiL are going to need time to adjust, regroup, and find alternatives. You and DH made a very generous offer; 1 day/wk, ad hoc, AND financial help if needed.

My mum was still working when DS1 was born so I didn't expect 'daily' childcare. But she was there for evenings and weekends if we wanted child free time. And after she retired she did 'emergency' childcare if DS1 was ill. But I never expected more of her than that, because she and Dad had earned their retirement and they loved to travel. DS2 was cared for by my MiL for the first 2 years (at her insistence) and my dad was too ill for my mum to be able to help out.

TBH I never had much ambition as a child and left school, at 16 and done various office jobs which I hated, I then met DH and became a SAHM which I loved especially when the children were small and because DH had a very high earning job it meant I did not have to worry about money. I agree with you and other P's who have said I don't have much identity outside being a wife and mother and I'm definitely a "people pleaser" and not in the least bit assertive (I'm always worried I've offended someone!) so although I love shopping and beauty treatments the main reason I do it is because he likes me to look nice.

Well, I think it's time for you to learn to be a little selfish and discover what it is that you want to do for you. Don't grow old before your time and before you figure out who you are and what you want in life. Your life sounds like that of someone in her 70s not 50s. Don't let your husband push you to grow old before your time. You'll very possibly be his carer in a few short years so take advantage of this window of relative freedom you have now.

OP,

I found this message very heartwarming. The important thing is you and your husband act as a team and assert yourselves correctly.

Submitting to someone else's wants and needs while generating resentment is not a long term strategy. It needs to feel like a win-win, for all. Your DHs proposal to offer financial support is his (good) attempt at finding that win-win.

Your son and DIL will be understandably disappointed. However I am sure they will recover because it sounds you have always done so much for them. So I would trust in that.