Help! 71 year old Husband not coping with retirement (and taking it out on me!)

[Char65]

I’ve not posted on here before but have heard of Mumsnet so looked it up on the internet (and have tried to learn what all the numerous abbreviations mean!) as I need some much-needed advice about my marriage, and I don’t really want to talk to any of my friends as they all know my DH! I married DH in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and amazingly we have been together 33 years! The time has just flown by! We have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. He had a very high-powered job in the City of London so earnt a lot of money and he also inherited a lot of money too and had a lot of investments and property. My own background was a lot more modest, and I liked the fact I didn’t need to work and could just be a SAHM and look after all the domestic stuff which I did well and enjoyed. We had some domestic help too, so I was able to shop, do the “ladies who lunch” thing, go to the theatre and to the gym and do all the hair and beauty stuff because of course I was a Trophy Wife (although I didn’t even know what that meant when I married!). We lived in a couple of houses around London and now live in lovely seven bed house in the Home Counties – I even have my own dressing room! Over the years we have had some great family holidays and mini breaks and social occasions at our house and all in all things have been pretty good and we’ve wanted for nothing. The children all went to private schools but didn’t board so were home all the time which I loved. When DH was about often he was working (he had an office in our house years prior to the pandemic) or playing golf but we’d socialise a lot and I’d get glammed up for some black tie event or to go for a meal or functions with our friends or his colleagues which I loved. Then in 2018 he finally retired! Great I thought at last I’ve got him all to myself! Long walks in the country with our dog, lots of holidays (we have a villa in Spain), visits to National Trust properties etc, etc. It all started fantastically well and we went on an unforgettable three month world cruise and then of course the pandemic happened and lockdown which caused a lot of friction between DH and me. By then our oldest son was married and our two daughters had finished Uni and college and had jobs and were living with their boyfriends so it was just the youngest DS at home who annoyed DH as he dropped out of Uni (he got fed up with studying online) and had no job. When we came out of the pandemic DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house which wasn’t helped by youngest DS who sat in his room all day playing computer games and made no move to do anything (although I have just got him onto a computer course at a local college so that may help). DH has always been quite serious and old-fashioned and everything’s a bit “my way or the highway” with him so he can be a bit difficult to live with but when he was working he liked the fact that everything ran smoothly at home and he could just come in and put his feet up, relax and let me take care of everything but that’s all changed. I try to suggest things, but he doesn’t like gardening (we employ a gardener), he doesn’t like DIY and never does it, he doesn’t like reading fiction and we don’t have the same interests in terms of things like the theatre which I love and there’s only so much golf he can play! He did look at becoming a magistrate but is too old. DH’s job was very stressful, he worked very hard and long hours and he went abroad a lot so a lot of the time I was like a very well-off single mum so I know I’m also partly to blame as my routines have changed and I really miss running around after the children. I love him so so much and can’t imagine life without him so what I can do to support him? I fear I am losing him and he doesn’t love me anymore! Our eldest DS’s wife is expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in October and she plans to go back to work part time in the New Year and leave her with us 3 or 4 days a week (we live quite close by) and although I’m really looking forward to it and am preparing a little nursey I’m not sure how it is going to go down with DH whose already like a bear with a sore head without a screaming baby to further annoy him! Any advice would be much appreciated!

You don't seem to like him very much either, tbh

OP said quite clearly that she loves him very much and cannot imagine life without him. Read the OP.

I was in the same boat last June when DH (68) retired. After one month he was registered with agencies and looking for work again. Found a full time job in Sept doing the marketing for a small cyber security company on a one year contract which ends next week. They offered him an extension, but he thinks its too much and is finding it very tiring. Instead he's going to work one day a week for them, overseeing a certain project.

We also have our youngest stuck at home in his bedroom on the computer too.

Do you have a short version of that ?.

Both of you need some new direction in life.

Has he thought more about for example studying at the U3A, OPEN university, vocational classes, NED roles, volunteering roles in the community?. You could do similar. What do you do now day to day?.

Put on your own oxygen mask first before trying to help him.

Do you indeed want to care for your DDs child four times a week going forward?. That's quite a responsibility you're taking on there and you will also likely be doing that without your DH's full support. You do not want to become more socially isolated than you already are.

What did he envision retirement to look like?

He needs to work out a routine I know for both my parents who were/are academics they took a long time to find their hobbies to fill their time. You need to give him a giant push! 😉

It’s a transition period for both of you. I think cutting him some slack is wise, he sounds like he is struggling to adjust.

I wouldn’t tolerate the nitpicking though, nip that in the bud immediately. He doesn’t get to take his difficulties out on you.

I suspect he will work it out in time, you can continue to enjoy your hobbies and interests including him as much as possible. Maybe enrol him for a life coaching session to explore his interests.

You have massively over committed on the childcare front op.

OP has had lovely life with older H, had 4 DCs, one still at home who's a bit of a pain. H retired ok at first, pandemic happened, now he's Mr Grumpypants. Plus one child about to pop sprog and OP has agreed to do masses of childcare.
Issue - how to 'help' Mr Grumpypants become Mr Chillout, and will having GC around tip him over the edge?

OP you sound lovely and welcome to MN I think it'll be good for you. You and DH were stuck in a kind of 1950s loveliness but it's in the past now. I think your biggest worry is that everyone thinks you're going to look after grandchild it'll be a piece of cake - it won't. I'm 68 and adore my GCs but they nearly break me. You might seriously need to re-think this bit.
Re Grumpypants - find your inner feminist (she's in there I can see her) and get tough. Stop telling me how to run a house Mr, who the fuck do you think's been doing it all these years? That's right, ME! You're bored. Go back to work or get a hobby but don't shit stir with me Mr. Etc. You can do it! Don't be addicted to being nice, it doesn't serve you. Best of luck!

The first reply has it - could he been an INED? Given your standard of living, he must have been senior as an executive and would be snapped up quickly. As the timetable is so defined in advance, you can still go to Spain etc.

Failing that, what about taking a role in a charity? Or joining The University of the Third Age or volunteer in a credit union?

The baby minding sounds good in practice but is quite a slog 3/4 days a week and will affect your ability to travel. You might want to consider that yourself too.

My DH retired 18 months ago and it took 6 months to decompress from a very stressful job. He then started to take on volunteer roles - joined the committee at one of our kids sports clubs and has gradually taken on more roles - team manager and trained to be an official. He has now started training to be a sport coach. It has taken time but he has found something he enjoys and it is very different from his career which helps. I work full time still so it has been great that we are both still keeping very busy and each have our own ‘work’.

U3A
loads of choice, need organised committee people. So many volunteering jobs.
I saw some happy people who come in and stock the cupboards in a& e. Citizens advice could use him. Too many things to list.or fe courses.
My dgc starts preschool soon, I am considering helping at cats rescue.’ Meet ups’ . There have never been more options for the retired and that leads to socialising. Most retirees in my circle have no trouble in filling their days and enjoying life. The world is your oyster

Gawd I feel for you. Life must be a struggle 😉

You probably both need some more philanthropic pursuits. There's only so much joy can be gleaned from having one's own dressing room, surely?

Get him to look at your local U3A group. He can start small by joining just one activity and build up over time. Most U3As are also constantly in need of committee members

There’s a lot of volunteering he can do out there that isn’t being a Magistrate - it jumped out at me that the one role he was interested in is one with alot of “glory” and power (they can send people to prison, after all). Suggests that he only likes being in charge and telling others what to do, which isn’t a lovely trait.

I would suggest he either goes back to work / does some consulting/ is a NED, or finds a volunteering role that suits him.

He needs a voluntary role to give him purpose. There's loads of things he could do. Charities and voluntary groups are crying out for people.
My DH (who hasn't retired yet) already has 3 voluntary roles in readiness for his retirement. He is a Parish Councillor, involved in a footpath maintenance group (he loves hiking) and a volunteer skipper on an adapted boat run by a charity.

Gransnet might be more help?

Oh, and I’d re think having the baby 3/4 days a week. It sounds like a lot for an older person, not to be rude but you will have a lot less energy than at 25.

Also I don’t think it sounds like a good atmosphere for a baby.

This first baby might feel really exciting and something you want to be heavily involved with, but soon your other children will have babies and you might make them think you’ll be having them all whilst they work.

Finally I do feel for your youngest - Uni on line must have been awful. But he needs to get his act in gear now and not just be supported to do nothing at all or he’ll end up very bitter.

You lost me at “like a very well off single mum “
Your life has been nothing like a single mum.

Yeah...you cannot do 3-4 days a week looking after your grandchild.

Regarding your DH, honestly, this is his problem. I fucking hate men that do this. My FIL is the same. He thinks he's SO important and now he has retired he can't bear that people don't cower in his presence and recognise how important he is. However, he made a plan for his retirement. He is high up (of course) in lots of different community organisations - lots of different activities, keeps him busy and out of the house. He still takes his bad mood grumpiness out on MIL but at least he's not in the house quite so much. So maybe they are just both not very nice men. Why doesn't he have interests and plans? What did he think would happen when he retired??

If I were you, I would cultivate lots of hobbies and activities too (or keep them up if you feel you already do have lots of hobbies). I'd try not to be at home very much in the day unless he's not there. Men over 45...eurgh... (also men under 45...eurgh. Maybe there's an ok bit when they are 30-40 years old for some men??).

This reads like ChatGP

I would definitely encourage the NED stuff particularly if he was business rather than government. If more government then look at local government schemes that need governor types or even charities although they are a very different kettle of fish and not everyone can get on with them

I second U3a.
Also, the upper age limit for magistrates has recently been increased to 75.

I thought that. Not sure what the need is for the whole life story? Reads like an essay.

PWBB

It is an odd tone. Lacking any feeling

They won’t train someone that can only sit for 3 years. The training/interview process takes a year more or less from application to first sitting.

He’s going to have to sort himself out - don’t continue to act like staff and if he’s too grumpy tell him you’re finding him hard to be around.
I’d also be wary of so much childcare - it’s much harder when you’re older and will really limit your holidays and interests.