Help! 71 year old Husband not coping with retirement (and taking it out on me!)

[Char65]

I’ve not posted on here before but have heard of Mumsnet so looked it up on the internet (and have tried to learn what all the numerous abbreviations mean!) as I need some much-needed advice about my marriage, and I don’t really want to talk to any of my friends as they all know my DH! I married DH in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and amazingly we have been together 33 years! The time has just flown by! We have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. He had a very high-powered job in the City of London so earnt a lot of money and he also inherited a lot of money too and had a lot of investments and property. My own background was a lot more modest, and I liked the fact I didn’t need to work and could just be a SAHM and look after all the domestic stuff which I did well and enjoyed. We had some domestic help too, so I was able to shop, do the “ladies who lunch” thing, go to the theatre and to the gym and do all the hair and beauty stuff because of course I was a Trophy Wife (although I didn’t even know what that meant when I married!). We lived in a couple of houses around London and now live in lovely seven bed house in the Home Counties – I even have my own dressing room! Over the years we have had some great family holidays and mini breaks and social occasions at our house and all in all things have been pretty good and we’ve wanted for nothing. The children all went to private schools but didn’t board so were home all the time which I loved. When DH was about often he was working (he had an office in our house years prior to the pandemic) or playing golf but we’d socialise a lot and I’d get glammed up for some black tie event or to go for a meal or functions with our friends or his colleagues which I loved. Then in 2018 he finally retired! Great I thought at last I’ve got him all to myself! Long walks in the country with our dog, lots of holidays (we have a villa in Spain), visits to National Trust properties etc, etc. It all started fantastically well and we went on an unforgettable three month world cruise and then of course the pandemic happened and lockdown which caused a lot of friction between DH and me. By then our oldest son was married and our two daughters had finished Uni and college and had jobs and were living with their boyfriends so it was just the youngest DS at home who annoyed DH as he dropped out of Uni (he got fed up with studying online) and had no job. When we came out of the pandemic DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house which wasn’t helped by youngest DS who sat in his room all day playing computer games and made no move to do anything (although I have just got him onto a computer course at a local college so that may help). DH has always been quite serious and old-fashioned and everything’s a bit “my way or the highway” with him so he can be a bit difficult to live with but when he was working he liked the fact that everything ran smoothly at home and he could just come in and put his feet up, relax and let me take care of everything but that’s all changed. I try to suggest things, but he doesn’t like gardening (we employ a gardener), he doesn’t like DIY and never does it, he doesn’t like reading fiction and we don’t have the same interests in terms of things like the theatre which I love and there’s only so much golf he can play! He did look at becoming a magistrate but is too old. DH’s job was very stressful, he worked very hard and long hours and he went abroad a lot so a lot of the time I was like a very well-off single mum so I know I’m also partly to blame as my routines have changed and I really miss running around after the children. I love him so so much and can’t imagine life without him so what I can do to support him? I fear I am losing him and he doesn’t love me anymore! Our eldest DS’s wife is expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in October and she plans to go back to work part time in the New Year and leave her with us 3 or 4 days a week (we live quite close by) and although I’m really looking forward to it and am preparing a little nursey I’m not sure how it is going to go down with DH whose already like a bear with a sore head without a screaming baby to further annoy him! Any advice would be much appreciated!

OMG! I can’t believe how many replies there are! I was only expecting one or two! I have skimmed through them but will read them all properly and make a lists of ideas which I will sit down and talk over with him. DH did think about a NED role but can’t remember what happened about that but definitely there some really good ideas here and I thank you all for them! I think a lot of the issue with DH though is not so much finding something to do but the lose of money/status. In regard to the babysitting/nursery I wouldn’t have agreed to it with out DH’s say so, and I agree that maybe it might be too much but by the same token I’m looking forward to it. As I say DH is fine with it but then again he wasn't around much the first time around so probably doesn't know what's involved! Apologies if I offended anyone with the words ‘I was like a single mum’ its just how it came out when I wrote it. Once again, thanks and will update soon!😀

Everyone is jumping on @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz’s comment about does your DC know about the nursery but mumsnet is full of threads of ‘my MIL has set up a nursery, how do I assert my boundaries’ threads. So I don’t think it’s that outrageous a question to check if the baby’s parents are aware.

I would take the brisk but tough approach. Say to dh: You should be a long time retired but if you keep up this mindset sheer negativity will send you on a steep roller coaster down to age and infirmity, and I won’t put up with this moping or grumping, or this expecting to be waited on. So there will be two significant changes: you can agree with me several responsibilities from a list and you will own those around the house, plus pick up after yourself as long as you have two working legs and arms. Second, you need some hobby. I plan to brightly suggest a different option every single dinner time until you have plans to try several options, so if you find that annoying I suggest you get off your bum and find something to do. Also, your hobby does not remove the responsibilities that will be assigned to you. If we can get all this in place in the next couple of months then our little grandchild won’t ever meet this grumpy version of you, isn’t that a wonderful idea!

Just to say everyone knows and agrees with my plans for the nursery - DS is going to decorate it for me!😀

Firstly you are not responsible for his happiness. You are both extremely privileged to have the life you've had and have. Could he be depressed? Has he seen a doctor?

With regards to minding your dc. It's a lovely idea but 3/4 days is too much. I can just imagine with your dh's lack of patience and grumpiness that you're going to be walking on eggshells with a crying baby.

This is the flip side of all that loveliness and income you enjoyed for years. People don't get to, and stay in, high earning City roles for decades because they're flexible and chill. You have to be driven, didactic, controlling, and he is. Those grooves are probably worn too deeply in his brain now to change. Like a PP said, he likes being in control and telling people what to do. That's who he is now.

Your only real hope is to find another arena in which he can be in charge and tell people what to do, because as you've already found, in the absence of another area to do so, he'll start telling you what to do.

I feel for you, I can absolutely imagine my DH being like that.
As everyone else has said he needs some to do.
I agree with the suggestion of being on the board of a reasonably sized charity, or consulting or a NED post, or a mix and match of all three.
He was obviously good at what he did and needs some challenge in his life.
You just have to make sure that running you and the house doesn't become his challenge.

He just needs to find his "thing". When my dad retired he enrolled to a photography school. And made 19yo friends which was kinda hilarious. He's enrolled to several photography classes and he does photo day trips (and mom walks behind him with holding his bag). They have an old family property in the countryside and he goes fishing, does whatever maintenance work etc. His worl has a retirement club so once a month he sees his colleagues and once ampnth they have a teams session with colleagues abroad. And he has every streaming service to watch movies.

It was a big adjustment for him to be at home. Even bigger to my mother since she was used to handling household by herself. Now dad wants to participate in everything and she misses her alone time.

But your husband needs to find his thing. Wether it's a hobby, volunteering, studying etc.

You need to remind yourself of some basic manners.

He's had 5 years to find "his thing". Does anyone think suggesting the Rotary Club is going to be a lightbulb moment for him?

I think the question is more "why hasn't he found his thing"? I agree, the loss of status, power and relevance is a massive change - but what is stopping him from NED/taking over the local Council/becoming Chairman of the local Extinction Rebellion group or whatever?

Because if you carry on your current pathway - him bored and frustrated and sniping, you diving straight in to heavily involved Granny, which he is likely to find quite a shock - things could go seriously wrong in your marriage.

I agree

To be fair, if I was very well off, my life as a single mum would be brilliant. 😀 If I’d won the lottery and didn’t have to work at all, with school aged kids, it would be fab.

Sadly, I’m not, and have to work full time at a high pressure job.

However, even if you’d won the lottery as a single Mum, you’d still have no one to discuss all of life’s stresses and decisions with in the way you can with a partner. So you still weren’t like a single mum no matter how wealthy.

My Dad found antiquing as something to occupy himself in retirement. Buying things at auction etc and selling on e bay. It doesn’t make him much, if any, money, it’s just for fun really.

But it’s not something I’d ever have associated him with before retirement.

@Char65

'Silver separation' really is a thing. The rates of divorce in the 'older' population is skyrocketing. Some due to long term unhappy marriages where one party finally leaves once the DC are gone, others when the spouse who was gone all the time is suddenly there 24/7/365. I know a man who came home to an empty house about 6 weeks after he announced his retirement plans. But in his case I couldn't really blame the wife for her decision, just her 'method of execution'. I'm not saying you're headed there, but it is a 'danger' that many older people face. Especially those who don't get their shit together before they retire. The time to plan for 'what will I do after I retire' is before you retire.

Yes, your DH needs something to do. But it's not on you to find that for him. He's a grown man, one who I daresay made many decisions and plans during his career so is perfectly capable of doing so now. You need to be honest about his behaviour, his attitudes, and his remarks and tell him that you have no intention of putting up with having a grumpy man whinging around the house. If he needs a 'hobby' let him find one. If he doesn't like the way you're keeping house, he can pitch in and 'do it his way' instead. In the meantime, you continue to live your life as you see fit. If you want to watch your grandchild 3/4 days a week, do so. If he doesn't like it, he can find something else to do, and do it elsewhere. BUT, if there are things you think the both of you might enjoy doing together, by all means suggest them! Just keep ears open to judge whether or not he's pooh-poohing every single thing you suggest without due consideration.

DH and I are both retired, have been for over 10 years now. Our 'shared interest' is RV'ing and OMG do we have a ball! We're in the US so we have plenty of territory to choose from! But DH also has a couple of sports he enjoys doing that he 'rediscovered' (on his own) after he retired. I have a hobby that I pursue on my own, too. The mix of RV 'togetherness' and 'doing our own thing' is a wonderful balance and has enriched our lives. Retirement is wonderful and we worked all our lives for it!

One other thing....it is not unusual for a 'high powered' person to suffer depression or a sense of 'worthlessness' when they first retire, especially if the retirement was unplanned or 'strongly suggested' by the former employer. If you feel that this may be his situation, he needs to deal with that, too, by seeing a counselor or getting involved with a worthy cause that can make use of the 'talents' of his former job.

I can see that he may feel redundant but it's not your responsibility to fix really and he should not be taken his lack of a constructive plan out on you.
Why didn't he look ahead after the 3 month cruise and plan what he'd like to do with his time?
You are in a very privileged position which you appreciate so literally the world is his oyster
Off the top of my head
Parish council
Private school government body
Round table
Local councillor
Mentor at university
Exam invigilator
Consultant in wherever his skills and experience lie
Plus a health and exercise hobby
Swimming, tennis, cycling, running etc
a) to keep him fit and healthy
b) to get him out of your way
If he's still grumpy after that then I think he should
a) talk to a counsellor
b) practise gratitude!

Ok,

1. ned, keep his brain active
2. learn to fly and then glide. If he gets into gliding you’ll never see him in the summer but might get the occasional phone call saying he ran out of lift and is half way up Ben Nevis if you could kindly pick him up
3. by a chalet in a ski resort to keep him busy over winter

Trouble you have with types like your husband is they are not designed to retire - ever.
I employ some like your DH - basically his wife told him to go to work a few days a week if he wanted to stay married! (He used to earn 20 times more than we pay him!!)

And that's exactly what I think has happened! DH does like to be in control and had to be because of his job. I know I’ve played a submissive role in our marriage looking after the house and kids and tried to have a quiet life for the children but now that’s changed for both of us. Did he have plans for his retirement? Well yes and no. He originally wanted us to move back up to Yorkshire (which is where he is from) and did have some ideas about clubs and things and roles he could play with charities he was going to join but because of the children being in and around London he ditched that idea but for a long time that was what he wanted to do. I think the Covid lockdown really affected him in terms not being able to anything for a while and he lost his mojo but I am making a list now of things to put to him that he could do. I think the NED role is good and I really like the idea of buying and selling antiques – I’ve not heard of this before but something we could do together and I know it would interest DH. In regards to sport DH is quite fit – one of our bedrooms is now a make-shift gym and he works out every morning – he’s quite dedicated to things like that. He likes cricket and rugby and is looking forward to the World Cup. These posts have got me thinking about the childcare and wondering if I was too quick to volunteer for it?

You don't know that he was around to discuss things he may have been absent for weeks both physically and mentally

You've had a charmed life, but you do need to talk to him about being a bear with a sore head - that's just not ok, especially with grandson arriving soon. Get him to some consultancy / get a job 2 days a week.

Do you mind telling us what area your husband worked in@Char65, we may know of some roles in his area?

Has he asked for your help in solving his apparent boredom?

I’m not sure I would appreciate someone suggesting hobbies to me if I hadn’t asked them to. Is it not babying him a bit? He is an adult and clearly has a brain.

Some people just need to work and can’t seem to live happily without it. Pretty sad if you ask me but everyone is different.

Please re think the amount of childcare.

You have 4 children, if they each have 2 children at some point you will have to say no to one of them and treat those grandchildren differently. That will upset you so much.

Imagine doing school holiday care for 2 in their early teens, 2 babies and some inbetween when you're past 70?

It's lovely that you can offer that for the first but please try and future proof a bit.

OP, it is hard to quite put into words how restrictive taking on childminding of grandchildren is.

Even those who thought they really wanted to, loved their children and grandchildren dearly, found it so restrictive and completely life changing.

No going to lunch, health club, no impromptu long weekends away, ladt minute night away to visit a friend, no dropping into friends the same way.

Your life and schedule is dictated to.

You need to book in any holidays which may make you feel guilty if it causes difficulties.
No days out with your husband.

Dragging a baby to an antiques auction?
I don't think so.

Your life is no longer your own.

The day is SO LONG.

What time would the baby be dropped?

8 am?
Earlier?
Every morning....

Complete madness IMO.

Definitely look into NED roles. The FT does a diploma in being a NED plus other courses for NEDs.
They bring with it a level of status, depending on the company. Look into Public Appointments too - they're riled on boards like the Tate; British Museum; British Nuclear - so many. And of course, charities too

These posts have got me thinking about the childcare and wondering if I was too quick to volunteer for it?

I think this is going to be a source of stress for you @Char65 . Your DH is in no way used to the reality of having a baby/small child in his house all day, and even someone less headstrong and controlling could find that very wearing. The evidence is he's going to take it out on you.

But more to the point this is your retirement too. You've done your shift. Picking up such a significant burden of childcare is going to cramp your style severely. What if you want to go away for a month-long cruise, what if you want to take up adult education classes, what if your DH wants to take up golfing abroad let's say and wants you to come too?

You've clearly got the dosh to help out DS and DIL with childcare costs if that's the sticking point, I really do think it would be better to walk back your offer of such a major commitment in favour of occasionally helping out when the baby say has an illness and can't go to nursery.

Incidentally, whilst it may be true that DH can't change his way of being after so long, you don't have to take it. You can calmly remind him you're not an employee and you won't be taking orders from him about how to run the home you've been running for 30 years.

God that sounds incredibly tedious. Just because you’re 71 doesn’t mean you’ll like those things 😄

I know plenty of 70+s who are still working. That or send him to Spain.