Help! 71 year old Husband not coping with retirement (and taking it out on me!)

[Char65]

I’ve not posted on here before but have heard of Mumsnet so looked it up on the internet (and have tried to learn what all the numerous abbreviations mean!) as I need some much-needed advice about my marriage, and I don’t really want to talk to any of my friends as they all know my DH! I married DH in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and amazingly we have been together 33 years! The time has just flown by! We have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. He had a very high-powered job in the City of London so earnt a lot of money and he also inherited a lot of money too and had a lot of investments and property. My own background was a lot more modest, and I liked the fact I didn’t need to work and could just be a SAHM and look after all the domestic stuff which I did well and enjoyed. We had some domestic help too, so I was able to shop, do the “ladies who lunch” thing, go to the theatre and to the gym and do all the hair and beauty stuff because of course I was a Trophy Wife (although I didn’t even know what that meant when I married!). We lived in a couple of houses around London and now live in lovely seven bed house in the Home Counties – I even have my own dressing room! Over the years we have had some great family holidays and mini breaks and social occasions at our house and all in all things have been pretty good and we’ve wanted for nothing. The children all went to private schools but didn’t board so were home all the time which I loved. When DH was about often he was working (he had an office in our house years prior to the pandemic) or playing golf but we’d socialise a lot and I’d get glammed up for some black tie event or to go for a meal or functions with our friends or his colleagues which I loved. Then in 2018 he finally retired! Great I thought at last I’ve got him all to myself! Long walks in the country with our dog, lots of holidays (we have a villa in Spain), visits to National Trust properties etc, etc. It all started fantastically well and we went on an unforgettable three month world cruise and then of course the pandemic happened and lockdown which caused a lot of friction between DH and me. By then our oldest son was married and our two daughters had finished Uni and college and had jobs and were living with their boyfriends so it was just the youngest DS at home who annoyed DH as he dropped out of Uni (he got fed up with studying online) and had no job. When we came out of the pandemic DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house which wasn’t helped by youngest DS who sat in his room all day playing computer games and made no move to do anything (although I have just got him onto a computer course at a local college so that may help). DH has always been quite serious and old-fashioned and everything’s a bit “my way or the highway” with him so he can be a bit difficult to live with but when he was working he liked the fact that everything ran smoothly at home and he could just come in and put his feet up, relax and let me take care of everything but that’s all changed. I try to suggest things, but he doesn’t like gardening (we employ a gardener), he doesn’t like DIY and never does it, he doesn’t like reading fiction and we don’t have the same interests in terms of things like the theatre which I love and there’s only so much golf he can play! He did look at becoming a magistrate but is too old. DH’s job was very stressful, he worked very hard and long hours and he went abroad a lot so a lot of the time I was like a very well-off single mum so I know I’m also partly to blame as my routines have changed and I really miss running around after the children. I love him so so much and can’t imagine life without him so what I can do to support him? I fear I am losing him and he doesn’t love me anymore! Our eldest DS’s wife is expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in October and she plans to go back to work part time in the New Year and leave her with us 3 or 4 days a week (we live quite close by) and although I’m really looking forward to it and am preparing a little nursey I’m not sure how it is going to go down with DH whose already like a bear with a sore head without a screaming baby to further annoy him! Any advice would be much appreciated!

How much time is left before your DiL returns to work? I think you did the right thing for you and your DH in relation to the childcare option. Your son and his wife will eventually wrap their heads around it and understand. I think for the time being though, they are probably feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under them but they will adjust, give it time. Don't rush back to offer them more.
I also love the way that you and your DH are working as a team on this. One message and it's clear and from both of you. No wiggle room.

Keep going. You're doing brilliantly!

How about a role reversal, you go to work and he takes charge of the house?

Thank you for all your replies which have been very kind and thoughtful and of course it was my post on MN that lead to a big re-think on the childcare for out GC so I thank you for helping me with that too. One of the reasons DiL and DS wanted us (me!) to take care of GC is that DS has his own landscaping business which is only in its second year - he's doing well but of course its seasonal and DiL earns a lot more than him which is why she wanted to go back to work, last night DS kept saying it would not be long term and only to the business was on its feet but DH stood his ground on that one - he knew once we'd committed to the 3 or 4 days it would be hard to pull back from it so I'm glad we've made it clear to DS and Dil this wasn't going to happen😀

Is landscaping a seasonal profession? I thought you could landscape at any time of the year and plant plants at any time of the year. Have I been mislead in that?

Also, if it is seasonal, then they will probably only require seasonal childcare. Can't your DS look after his own child during the down times? It seems very strange. He could become a house husband and look after his child while your DiL goes back to her high paying job.

Just a thought.

Sorry I wrote this quickly! He has work all year round but his main income is from spring to early autumn - I don't know if that will change as he gets more established and of course he would look after his child if he hasn't got any work on😀

But it has to be said that DH thinks whenever DS does have some days when he has no work he'll still see leaving GC with Granny as the easy option!😀

Thanks I agree with what your saying and I do need to work a few things out with DH.

Full marks to your husband for being firm with your son and wife.

How manipulative for her to get so upset and try and guilt you.

Neither of them care much for your retirement but are focused on what suits them both completely.

Regular childcare is an enormous imposition on any grandparent and whilst I accept that some may enjoy it, my experience is that despite loving their grandchildren it is exhausting and restrictive.

My own lovely SIL was caught out by it by her lovely daughter barely two years after retiring at 58, from a very successful career.

She loved her grandchildren but found the 3 days a week hugely tiring and restrictive.

She still travelled but she did feel guilty.

Her beloved husband died very suddenly two years and part of her grief is that they were so restricted for the last years by childcare.

She feels robbed.
She simply never expected to be taken so unexpectedly.

I agree with give them lots and lots of space.

Financial help is very generous of your husband to suggest.

They surely have the bones of a year to find someone.

Do not be guilted by them.
Very shabby behaviour.

thanks for this @billy1966 I think what you say about your SIL is very true - known of us know how long we have left and need to live for the day. We are also dealing with an unexpected family issue linked to a bereavement and it brings it home to you. I think DH and I need to find away to enjoy our retirement together.😀

That was a very sad read I hope the dust has settled now and they have calmed down and see your POV.

The problem is you are going to have to offer 4 days of free childcare to every gc, or it will be viewed as unfair. Before you know it op your house will be a crèche to keep the peace and your dh will not cope - your own priorities and dreams will be consigned to the waste paper basket, along with your home furnishings and sanity.

It is best to grasp the nettle now, and let them know than descend into a huge family domestic further down the line, by then you will be at your wits end and unable to continue.

Standing together on this may have helped smooth the way for a revival of your togetherness and plans, and no doubt dh will be pleased you are no longer saddled with a week of childcare every week indefinitely ! I would be grumpy and miserable faced with that at 71 too and I adore little children!

Drinks all round I think! 🥂

Thanks @Lastchancechica I must say a huge weight has been lifted off me! I'm so thankful for DH. The DiL and DS are still not communicating though! Out other children are understanding and support our position. This time DH has made it clear to them all that we are offering one day a week plus ad hoc and emergencies so hopefully won't get into the same mess again😀

Stopped reading after the sentence "a bit blonde!"!

I hope that everything worked out with your son and dil.

Thanks, my DiL and DS are now speaking to us after I contacted them! DS even came around to watch the rugby with DH (DS used to play to a very high level but never quite made it). Things are OKish as long as we don't mention the GC - DS is more understanding of our decision, DiL less so!

Sorry not posted for a long while on here - we had an unexpected bereavement. Things seem to be sorted now though and DS and Dil are now speaking and everything seems to be OK, it has brought the family back together, thanks for all the help and support I received here, really much appreciated.

@char65 I'm sorry to hear of your unexpected bereavement. 😔
However I'm pleased your family are now getting on better 😀 and it's working out OK.

Ditto! Glad things are better, but so sorry about your bereavement.

My husband retired 18 months ago and honestly I could have written your post last year. Things have got so much better since we had a big row and he has really tried to stop bossing me around. I've run a house for the last forty years and he really doesn't know better than me.

He slowly started cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening and he is really enjoying the days with the grandchildren which im really surprised at tbh. He took the toddler to clip and climb on his own last week. although he did negotiate the number of childcare days down from 3 days a week. The older ones love having him on the school run. He's started some craft/arty venture in the garage which I encourage and he's barred from my knit and natter group but in general we like to be together.

It's been a massive adjustment and it's ongoing but I'm really glad I didn't upsticks last year. Financially we'd still both be fine if we split but I'd miss him though that got lost in the first suffocating year of his retirement. We didn't get up til 2.30pm today just did crosswords watched movies and mucked about. You just need to find a new rhythm. We've joined a gym and i go swimming, play tennis badly and he does weights and saunas. We often lose whole days where we aren't sure what has happened yet its 3.30pm. A year ago I honestly thought it might be over.

Thanks Tontostitis that's lovely to hear and I am so pleased for you both. I do think it is about a period of adjustment especially if, like me you have been a home maker and DH is then entering your "world" . I think there was blame on both sides. Things have improved since I wrote my post and we manged to sort out the childcare for our GC., also the bereavement showed us how much we needed each other - I think we have a better understanding of each other's point of view now. We've started doing a bit of buying and selling a la Bargain Hunt (being DH he wont buy anything without researching it thoroughly but we have made some money!) and DH now comes to the gym with me so hopefully things will work out well! Thanks again😀

I haven't back read everything, but I was wondering why you don't get yourself a job of some sort. I have a lot of friends with DH with high powered jobs,they have retired and every single one has got another job.

@Nannyfannybanny I'm afraid that just wouldn't work! I'm quite busy thank you very much and our DiL is literally expecting our first GC any day! Also we both want to enjoy his retirement! As others have said he may not have so many active years left though he is pretty fit and active at the mo!

This is a lovely thread. I haven’t read it all, just your posts, and the ones you have quoted.

It sounds like you and DH work really well as a team, but you were having difficulty in adjusting to recent changes.

I hope you both continue to enjoy your antique-ing, retirement and the new addition to your family.

@HardcoreLadyType thank you so much

Well,if you are "quite busy enough thank you", how are you going to be able to have time for childcare!

suggest you read op's threads @Nannyfannybanny then you will know the answer