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Original poster

Help! 71 year old Husband not coping with retirement (and taking it out on me!)

207 replies

Char65 · 05/09/2023 09:06

I’ve not posted on here before but have heard of Mumsnet so looked it up on the internet (and have tried to learn what all the numerous abbreviations mean!) as I need some much-needed advice about my marriage, and I don’t really want to talk to any of my friends as they all know my DH! I married DH in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and amazingly we have been together 33 years! The time has just flown by! We have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. He had a very high-powered job in the City of London so earnt a lot of money and he also inherited a lot of money too and had a lot of investments and property. My own background was a lot more modest, and I liked the fact I didn’t need to work and could just be a SAHM and look after all the domestic stuff which I did well and enjoyed. We had some domestic help too, so I was able to shop, do the “ladies who lunch” thing, go to the theatre and to the gym and do all the hair and beauty stuff because of course I was a Trophy Wife (although I didn’t even know what that meant when I married!). We lived in a couple of houses around London and now live in lovely seven bed house in the Home Counties – I even have my own dressing room! Over the years we have had some great family holidays and mini breaks and social occasions at our house and all in all things have been pretty good and we’ve wanted for nothing. The children all went to private schools but didn’t board so were home all the time which I loved. When DH was about often he was working (he had an office in our house years prior to the pandemic) or playing golf but we’d socialise a lot and I’d get glammed up for some black tie event or to go for a meal or functions with our friends or his colleagues which I loved. Then in 2018 he finally retired! Great I thought at last I’ve got him all to myself! Long walks in the country with our dog, lots of holidays (we have a villa in Spain), visits to National Trust properties etc, etc. It all started fantastically well and we went on an unforgettable three month world cruise and then of course the pandemic happened and lockdown which caused a lot of friction between DH and me. By then our oldest son was married and our two daughters had finished Uni and college and had jobs and were living with their boyfriends so it was just the youngest DS at home who annoyed DH as he dropped out of Uni (he got fed up with studying online) and had no job. When we came out of the pandemic DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house which wasn’t helped by youngest DS who sat in his room all day playing computer games and made no move to do anything (although I have just got him onto a computer course at a local college so that may help). DH has always been quite serious and old-fashioned and everything’s a bit “my way or the highway” with him so he can be a bit difficult to live with but when he was working he liked the fact that everything ran smoothly at home and he could just come in and put his feet up, relax and let me take care of everything but that’s all changed. I try to suggest things, but he doesn’t like gardening (we employ a gardener), he doesn’t like DIY and never does it, he doesn’t like reading fiction and we don’t have the same interests in terms of things like the theatre which I love and there’s only so much golf he can play! He did look at becoming a magistrate but is too old. DH’s job was very stressful, he worked very hard and long hours and he went abroad a lot so a lot of the time I was like a very well-off single mum so I know I’m also partly to blame as my routines have changed and I really miss running around after the children. I love him so so much and can’t imagine life without him so what I can do to support him? I fear I am losing him and he doesn’t love me anymore! Our eldest DS’s wife is expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in October and she plans to go back to work part time in the New Year and leave her with us 3 or 4 days a week (we live quite close by) and although I’m really looking forward to it and am preparing a little nursey I’m not sure how it is going to go down with DH whose already like a bear with a sore head without a screaming baby to further annoy him! Any advice would be much appreciated!

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 05/09/2023 18:49

Tell your dil you can't commit to 4 days. 3 is more than enough.

ClementWeatherToday · 05/09/2023 20:05

These posts have got me thinking about the childcare and wondering if I was too quick to volunteer for it?

I agree with everyone who has said that 3-4 days of childcare (almost a full working week!) is far, far too much to commit to on a regular basis. Aside from anything else, have you considered what you will do if/when your three other children have grandchildren? You can't do less for them than you did for the eldest, can you? That would be unfair. So whatever you do for the first, be prepared to repeat x 3.

You sound a bit like you committed to the childcare because you didn't think you'd be doing much with your husband, but now you've realised you won't be able to do much with him if you've got the grandkid with you all the time. There will be no better time to back out/renegotiate your availability than now.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/09/2023 20:16

I'd love to help with my grandchildren but I agree 3 or 4 days a week will be very limiting. Just remember you may set a precedent and have everyone expecting you to do childcare.

Original poster
Char65 · 05/09/2023 21:38

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/09/2023 18:08

Do you mind telling us what area your husband worked in@Char65, we may know of some roles in his area?

He was a Senior Portfolio manager.
Sorry for being a bit blonde but I don’t think I’d really realised that if we babysat for DiL we might end up doing it for all the children (apart from youngest DS who appears uninterested in relationships!). I spoke to DH about this this evening and we both agree that I over committed myself and we might need to find a way to tell DS and DiL that 3 or 4 days childcare is just way too much! (Especially if we want to go on holiday or weekends away which we both like). I think I was caught up by the first grandchild. BTW I mentioned becoming an NED to DH and perhaps doing some buying and selling of antiques which we could do together and he didn’t shot me down in flames! In fact he accepted he did need to find something to occupy himself!😮 so I feel I’ve made some progress today after posting this morning! I will still collect the ideas together though and see if anything else takes his fancy. Many thanks.😀

OP posts:
Original poster
Char65 · 05/09/2023 21:48

PosterBoy · 05/09/2023 09:16

A lot of high powered men struggle with retirement. I don't really know what the solution is - the happiest ones either keep working or develop a high powered hobby instead. Can't he sit on a few charity boards, for example? Otherwise they often have a few affairs to keep busy - not ideal.

Really that's up to him to sort out though.

Best perhaps to develop your own hobbies and interests so you are busy - a bit like a job of your own - and you still meet up in the evenings.

What were your joint dreams of retirement when you were younger?

To be honest DH was so wrapped up in his work I don't think he ever really thought about it until late on and then just thought we'd move back to Yorkshire but I don't think he ever actually thought that much about what he would DO to any great extent. But I do think the pandemic had a big effect.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 05/09/2023 21:55

I'm pleased he's shown an interest in being more active. This time next year you may be wondering what you started. There are so many interesting public appointments, committee roles etc he's bound to find something. He just needs to find his niche.

billy1966 · 05/09/2023 21:59

Also OP, it often becomes a bit of a bone of contention in families, if one child and their offspring are ALWAYS at the family home.

It can irritate other children that they can never pop and see their parents with out nieces and nephews there.

You have a child still living at home to consider too.

I think it is a wonderful gesture to be available as back up care for emergencies rather than weekly care.

A friend of mine looked after her first grandchild of 10 months for 4 nights over the summer.
She really enjoyed it, but found she had completely forgotten how full on it is.

She is delighted to be providing back up care only.

Don't underestimate how irritating it would be to not be able to plan anything without checking with your daughter because you provide weekly childcare.

That would get old very quickly I would think.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/09/2023 22:03

If he had a City finance role, chuck him in the direction of a MAT or school as a Governor. He'll have no problem learning the laws and financial requirements to assist providing financial oversight - and you'll be able to get rid of him doing essential training and somewhere around 10 committee meetings a year - and if he ends up being a Chair after a couple of years, it'll be nearer one every other week.

Original poster
Char65 · 05/09/2023 22:21

Saysoe · 05/09/2023 18:14

Has he asked for your help in solving his apparent boredom?

I’m not sure I would appreciate someone suggesting hobbies to me if I hadn’t asked them to. Is it not babying him a bit? He is an adult and clearly has a brain.

Some people just need to work and can’t seem to live happily without it. Pretty sad if you ask me but everyone is different.

Of course he hasn't asked me to solve his apparent boredom and I can't tell him what to do but I just want to give him some ideas so we have a more contented life together, what's wrong with that? This post has helped already. If you knew my DH you would know I can't "baby" him and one thing he will do it make his own decisions!

OP posts:
Grendell · 05/09/2023 22:46

Separate houses! That's what the rich people do!

CandyLeBonBon · 05/09/2023 22:58

You sound like a retired version of Barbie and Ken.

Frankly your husband sounds like an insufferable bore and you sound like you don't have an identity outside of your role as a wife and mother.

I'd be forging a life full of my own independent hobbies and activities and leaving him to work it out for himself.

bevelino · 05/09/2023 23:00

Berlinlover · 05/09/2023 09:12

Your post needs paragraphs.

This

i could not read all the wall to wall text.

HerMammy · 06/09/2023 08:59

You are babying him, he can find things to do himself, get on and keep yourself busy, he's a big boy

FictionalCharacter · 06/09/2023 22:26

AuntieStella · 05/09/2023 09:16

Yes, he needs to be on the boards of a few charities

It's a well-trodden route for people retiring from the City - rather begs the question why this has not come about spontaneously? Is he not liked?

You don't seem to like him very much either, tbh.

He doesn't sound very likeable though does he: "DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house"

MotherofGorgons · 08/09/2023 07:36

This is why women should work outside the home. Or at least develop a few interests.

Captainfairylights · 08/09/2023 08:23

My husband retired a couple of years ago, very reluctantly. He is much older than me too. I didn't have the life with him like yours, I found his obsession with work made him really quite unavailable and selfish and I was left very much alone. We didn't have a lot of money to compensate, and my own career was completely stifled by his choices. He took retirement very badly, had a kind of breakdown really, and I left him. I got a home of my own in the city I had longed to live in for years and I finally have the peace and control of my life I longed for. We did not divorce, because I didn't hate him, there wasn't anyone else, I just didn't want the marriage anymore. So we are separated and civil coparents to our daughter. But then something has happened. I have struggled professionally and practically in my new life, and he has become a kind and caring version of himself. Without strings or trying to "get me back" he has been an absolutely invaluable friend. He is come to terms with his situation (he lives alone) and has developed a social life and more independence than he ever had before. In fact he has become the kind person I was looking for when I married him. I said this to him the other day. He said, 'I have a lot more time to think,' he said. 'And I understand more.'
You were happy in your life with your husband, so your problem is different. My husband had to be left in order to be forced to come to terms with his situation and his responsibilities. It has made me think that men are really only half-there in their relationships when they are working.

thenightsky · 08/09/2023 10:26

It has made me think that men are really only half-there in their relationships when they are working

Looking at my own DH, still working at 69, I'd agree with that statement.

Original poster
Char65 · 08/09/2023 10:42

CandyLeBonBon · 05/09/2023 22:58

You sound like a retired version of Barbie and Ken.

Frankly your husband sounds like an insufferable bore and you sound like you don't have an identity outside of your role as a wife and mother.

I'd be forging a life full of my own independent hobbies and activities and leaving him to work it out for himself.

I have perhaps made my husband out to worse than he is but I do agree that I perhaps haven't had much identity outside being a wife and mother - which don't get me wrong I have really enjoyed.

OP posts:
waterrat · 08/09/2023 10:49

Would he consider seeing a life coach? I'm sure there are life coaches who specialise with people in his industry - perhaps ask around/ google - he is not going to be alone in feeling like this

Retirement is a ridiculous concept in some ways - people now are healthy and fit and have their full quote of grey matter but yet suddenly 'stop' work

Why shouldn't he just find a different path? Set up his own business/ work as a consultant - at least taper off in feeling this way

The best advice in these situations is that he finds out what other people in his exact position have done - look at those who retired ahead of him and who has found a way of enjoying it in a way he would.

I think you may regret the childcare commitment as essentially you are binding him to being at home a lot as well.

Could you not be granny who does more ad hoc care? While the children/babies go for the more predictable care to nursery/childminder?

Original poster
Char65 · 08/09/2023 10:49

Captainfairylights · 08/09/2023 08:23

My husband retired a couple of years ago, very reluctantly. He is much older than me too. I didn't have the life with him like yours, I found his obsession with work made him really quite unavailable and selfish and I was left very much alone. We didn't have a lot of money to compensate, and my own career was completely stifled by his choices. He took retirement very badly, had a kind of breakdown really, and I left him. I got a home of my own in the city I had longed to live in for years and I finally have the peace and control of my life I longed for. We did not divorce, because I didn't hate him, there wasn't anyone else, I just didn't want the marriage anymore. So we are separated and civil coparents to our daughter. But then something has happened. I have struggled professionally and practically in my new life, and he has become a kind and caring version of himself. Without strings or trying to "get me back" he has been an absolutely invaluable friend. He is come to terms with his situation (he lives alone) and has developed a social life and more independence than he ever had before. In fact he has become the kind person I was looking for when I married him. I said this to him the other day. He said, 'I have a lot more time to think,' he said. 'And I understand more.'
You were happy in your life with your husband, so your problem is different. My husband had to be left in order to be forced to come to terms with his situation and his responsibilities. It has made me think that men are really only half-there in their relationships when they are working.

Although I love my husband dearly and we have to been together such a long time there are times when I do think about leaving him if things don't change, but I don't know, I do love him and hopefully I am making some progress😀but it is very difficult and I don't know what to do for the best but I like this post and it is similar to a friend of mine - her husband was always putting her down in public and very controlling and then she divorced him he was very bitter at first but now they get on like a house on fire!🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
Char65 · 08/09/2023 10:51

HerMammy · 06/09/2023 08:59

You are babying him, he can find things to do himself, get on and keep yourself busy, he's a big boy

Yes, and I am sure he will but sometimes men just need a little push or a gentle nudge😀

OP posts:
waterrat · 08/09/2023 10:53

I don't agree at all that you are babying him

He is your life partner and he is struggling! To the point you are not sure you can live with him anymore if it continues - this is a point at which support and honesty is urgently needed.

What sort of marriage would it be if you just ignored the fact that he is miserable in retirement? Or if you just got busy and ignored him.

If he is to make a go of a different life this is where he needs support - but what is true is he will have to accept he is struggling.

gingercat02 · 08/09/2023 10:58

Iwantyourloveiwantyourspirit · 05/09/2023 09:30

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz fgs she's going to be caring for her grandchild for 3 or 4 days a week, of course it makes sense to have a nursery. What an odd post

She also has 7 bedrooms and a shit load of money so why not!

Original poster
Char65 · 08/09/2023 11:13

waterrat · 08/09/2023 10:53

I don't agree at all that you are babying him

He is your life partner and he is struggling! To the point you are not sure you can live with him anymore if it continues - this is a point at which support and honesty is urgently needed.

What sort of marriage would it be if you just ignored the fact that he is miserable in retirement? Or if you just got busy and ignored him.

If he is to make a go of a different life this is where he needs support - but what is true is he will have to accept he is struggling.

Thanks waterrat I am trying to support him! To be honest I don't think I could leave him, but we all get those random thoughts, don't we? We've had some personal issues to deal with of late (not related to the subject of this post in anyway) and when we are back on a more even keel I have a plan to sit down and go through options that I've picked up here and really put my side to him and see what his response is. The time isn't right just now but I'm hoping in a week or so I will be able to do that.😀

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 08/09/2023 11:17

Despite some of the comments on here OP, you presented a well written post with much information 👍

It's clear that your husband is highly intelligent and very keen to keep going. In that case, as others have said, perhaps he should consider NED positions in charities, local government or maybe consider being a school governor. Any of these options would give him structure to his day, keep his mind active and provide much needed support to these organisations.

However, I'm unclear what you would like going forward. It seems that you're content with looking after grandchildren, but wouldn't that prevent you from enjoying frequent holidays, lunch appointments with friends, or general 'me' time?
You're worried about everyone else in your family but leaving yourself out 😑