Help! 71 year old Husband not coping with retirement (and taking it out on me!)

[Char65]

I’ve not posted on here before but have heard of Mumsnet so looked it up on the internet (and have tried to learn what all the numerous abbreviations mean!) as I need some much-needed advice about my marriage, and I don’t really want to talk to any of my friends as they all know my DH! I married DH in 1990 when I was 25 and he was 38 and amazingly we have been together 33 years! The time has just flown by! We have four wonderful children, two boys and two girls. He had a very high-powered job in the City of London so earnt a lot of money and he also inherited a lot of money too and had a lot of investments and property. My own background was a lot more modest, and I liked the fact I didn’t need to work and could just be a SAHM and look after all the domestic stuff which I did well and enjoyed. We had some domestic help too, so I was able to shop, do the “ladies who lunch” thing, go to the theatre and to the gym and do all the hair and beauty stuff because of course I was a Trophy Wife (although I didn’t even know what that meant when I married!). We lived in a couple of houses around London and now live in lovely seven bed house in the Home Counties – I even have my own dressing room! Over the years we have had some great family holidays and mini breaks and social occasions at our house and all in all things have been pretty good and we’ve wanted for nothing. The children all went to private schools but didn’t board so were home all the time which I loved. When DH was about often he was working (he had an office in our house years prior to the pandemic) or playing golf but we’d socialise a lot and I’d get glammed up for some black tie event or to go for a meal or functions with our friends or his colleagues which I loved. Then in 2018 he finally retired! Great I thought at last I’ve got him all to myself! Long walks in the country with our dog, lots of holidays (we have a villa in Spain), visits to National Trust properties etc, etc. It all started fantastically well and we went on an unforgettable three month world cruise and then of course the pandemic happened and lockdown which caused a lot of friction between DH and me. By then our oldest son was married and our two daughters had finished Uni and college and had jobs and were living with their boyfriends so it was just the youngest DS at home who annoyed DH as he dropped out of Uni (he got fed up with studying online) and had no job. When we came out of the pandemic DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things I had apparently done or not done around the house which wasn’t helped by youngest DS who sat in his room all day playing computer games and made no move to do anything (although I have just got him onto a computer course at a local college so that may help). DH has always been quite serious and old-fashioned and everything’s a bit “my way or the highway” with him so he can be a bit difficult to live with but when he was working he liked the fact that everything ran smoothly at home and he could just come in and put his feet up, relax and let me take care of everything but that’s all changed. I try to suggest things, but he doesn’t like gardening (we employ a gardener), he doesn’t like DIY and never does it, he doesn’t like reading fiction and we don’t have the same interests in terms of things like the theatre which I love and there’s only so much golf he can play! He did look at becoming a magistrate but is too old. DH’s job was very stressful, he worked very hard and long hours and he went abroad a lot so a lot of the time I was like a very well-off single mum so I know I’m also partly to blame as my routines have changed and I really miss running around after the children. I love him so so much and can’t imagine life without him so what I can do to support him? I fear I am losing him and he doesn’t love me anymore! Our eldest DS’s wife is expecting a baby (our first grandchild) in October and she plans to go back to work part time in the New Year and leave her with us 3 or 4 days a week (we live quite close by) and although I’m really looking forward to it and am preparing a little nursey I’m not sure how it is going to go down with DH whose already like a bear with a sore head without a screaming baby to further annoy him! Any advice would be much appreciated!

Go travelling around the world on your own and leave your entire helpless family to sort out their own shit.

Thank you fethacloth for your kind comment about my post which was my first on here. DH is highly intelligent with a economics degree, MBA and other qualifications whereas I left school with 4 CSEs😞and know I'm not that bright but to be honest I have learnt a lot from the children! (I got a free education off the back of the education we paid for for them!) I agree with your suggestions and the ones others have made and will put these two him at a later date but at present we have some family issues to deal with. I agree too that I have been too focussed on being a mother and wife and then a grandmother (there was an assumption I feel by DiL and DS that I would just hold the baby whilst she went to work but these replies to my post have really made me stop and consider. Hold on! I'm doing too much here! I was surprised the other night by DH's response that he thought it was too much too!😮specially when I mentioned the holidays and trips to Spain which he likes and has always been his relaxation. I think I am "put upon" abit and need to make more time for myself although having said that I do have a circle of friends and go to the theatre and shopping and also with youngest DD who I get on very well with.

Your DH has clearly made you feel like a stupid Stepford wife whose only value is in being a skivvy for everyone. It's not too late to make a life of your own.

These highly intelligent grumpy old men need to be shown their place. Being intelligent doesn't mean you can be grumpy.

No, I don't believe that is true at all and is actually a bit rude! When DH was working he always praised me and complimented me and supported me and we had a very happy life together with the children. I was more than happy to give up work and be a SAHM!😃It is only since he retired and then the pandemic that things have become a bit more difficult because he has lost his purpose in life and needs to find a new one and perhaps I have too with the children leaving home (apart from one). I think these are faults on both sides and yes, maybe its true, I do mother him a bit because that's what I've done with the children and maybe why I didn't mind taking on our grandchild until these replies made me re-think a bit. I like the family to be happy and contented which is why i got youngest DS onto a computer course. Should he have done it himself? yes! But he wasn't going to do it! DH just moaned at him but l tried to do something positive!😁

That's rather harsh. Surely it's better for everyone to be happier with a degree of compromise.

Just been through this! My DH became a town councillor and then was our local Mayor for a year. He was just like you've described your DH before, although I was working full-time from home. He was driving me insane! He has now 'retired' from council work, but is still in touch with many of the people he met then. They're all local, so he can meet up with them often - and he does. He's also an NED which gives him something else to moan about,l but makes him feel important.

Good Luck!

I dont think it's a good idea for women to have zero interests beyond the family and constantly put themselves down..But clearly everybody else is seeing a lovely and harmonious family with everyone happpy, so I will stop posting.

I should say that my DH also works in the City. I am surrounded by 'trophy wives' ( OPs term; not one I would use). I decided not to be one though.

I think he might enjoy a new hobby, possibly sailing, bowls, tennis cricket for over 60's. He could offer his services to a charity. Can you pack him off to Spain with his golf clubs for a week each month? My DH has a brain intensive job and next September he could retire at 60. I have suggested from April he goes part time to see how he will cope with so much time at home. I have a feeling he will get bored at home so much, and wish he hadn't retired. He does like cutting grass as he says he clears his head. He likes to walk his dogs. But he gets up early and there would still be a lot of hours to fill. I will be busy driving disabled Foster child to college and collecting him everyday for 2 more years at least so it's not as though I can go on midweek breaks with him.

@Char65
I also got my youngest of 4 off to college (failed a levels )
He loved it
Went ti Uni
Got a good degree.
I found empty nest hard.
I found building new interests helped.

Thank you all for your messages, they have certainly given me food for thought!😃

Well other people could.
So, nothing helpful to add?

@Char65 Retiring takes some adjustments but there are usually lots of charity/trustee roles that never have enough applicants - maybe there's something you'd like to do too?
And there's nothing wrong with you making suggestions. It's going to be a big change for the both of you

Hi OP,

What about the level of emotional intimacy between the two of you? How well do you know each other, share feelings, know what makes the other tick?

From your posts I get a feeling that you have some degree of intimacy but not a very deep intimacy.

It's OK to have very different interests but how well do you understand each other and how "in tune" are you with each other?

You mentioned that during the pandemic you had tension. I notice you also say "DH continued to pick holes in me and tell me off for small things". These things indicate a degree of anxiety and the need for "rules". All of these things can be "understood" with the right attitude and I believe they will help you both.

I can highly recommend this website to help you unpick each of your behaviours

It's worth also reading William Glasser Choice Theory where he talks about people's inherent needs for Security, Love/Belonging, Freedom, Power and Fun. It was enlightening for me to see myself and others through this lens.

@Char65 - your reference to CSEs made me smile. I’m of the generation that sat CSEs and O levels too (very close to you in age) 😀.

It’s all been said re your DH. Am posting re you. You’ve had a great existence but as PP have said, it does sound a bit as if you’ve only ever wifed and mothered and are now shaping up for very active grandmothering - when will it be your time? Your offer of childcare for DGCs is lovely - and I think a close grandparent/grandchild relationship can be a wonderful thing for all involved - but try to pare it back a bit. 3-4 days sounds too much and your other DCs may expect it for their own DCs when they have them.

I wanted to add that you seemed to be putting yourself down a bit as inferior to him OP (in terms of qualifications, etc) . I don't actually believe that, because people chose partners who are (in general) roughly their "equal".

However, it is likely you have great skills in areas where he is absolutely clueless, and these differences work well as team running a family with one working and one home parent (you complement each other) but can cause tensions when you are not on a situation where your skills are being utilised and your needs met.

In your case, your DHs needs are not met in this retired "home" life and skills as decision-maker/power broker are "underutilised" and as a result he is getting frustrated. I agree with previous posters that he needs other outlets to replace the work outlet. Women are in my view on the whole more flexible in that they can live a hybrid work/home life with far less difficulty.

OP, I wonder if people ever meet you as a couple and afterwards, when you're both out of earshot, they turn to the other person with them and whisper 'Wow she's really lovely but he's a bit of a dick isn't he?'

Don't flap around him. You are not a service human to always prop up disagreeable, grumpy people to get them to like you. You are enough as you are.

Look after yourself x

https://blog.massmutual.com/retiring-investing/surviving-retirement-with-your-spouse

How to emotionally prepare for retirement with your spouse

Thanks for this I have just been looking at this website this morning and it is brill! I would recommend it to any women in a similar position - wish I'd know about it before!😀

@Dery Thanks I agree with you, I have mothered and wifed my family too much and really miss the children and probably was too quick to volunteer to care for DS's new born! That needs a rethink! We have a bit of an issue at the moment but things settle down I am going address a few things!

A most excellent suggestion!!!

Definitely do this.

Yes think this and the NER ideas are the best and doing the antiquing which I know will appeal to him😀

It will massage his ego and he is coming across as someone who needs that.

Also agree with the childminding. There are SOOOOO many threads on MN where a grandmother (new or otherwise) oversteps and gets too involved or in some cases isn't involved enough.

I think a conversation needs to be hand about that with the parents to be first but have in the back of your mind what you are willing to do. They might amaze you when it comes to what they want vs what you are willing to do for them. Also as others have suggested, as you have 4 kids yourself, if you offer for one it may be expected to do for all. Have that in mind too.

Best of luck with it all.

have you tried University of the Third Age
learn bridge?
woodwork?
art?

There were a couple of very similar threads to this a few months ago, I can’t find them now. A similar situation of a non working wife wanting to spend time with her children in retirement and high powered husband wanting to downsize and travel and do other things. They went to counselling to try and resolve their differences but in the second thread he left her. In your later post it sounds like your husband is trying to tell you he wants to travel and do other things but you are determined to ruin his retirement by agreeing to a regular childcare commitment for your child. You have been very pampered and spoilt having a wonderful life courtesy of your husband’s hard work. Maybe you should stop being selfish and actually listen to him and what he wants.

You are entitled to your opinion of course but I think this is unhelpfully negative and judgmental.

Men do tend to get grumpier as they age due to falling testosterone.
Could he have a checkup with his GP?
Could he be very early stages with dementia. Early dementia tends to cause relationship problems as the personality changes eg more irritability, argumentative for a start.