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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just slapped my OH around the face before with finishing him

210 replies

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 21:44

…and now I’m feeling dreadful😥Very long story short … together 7 years, blended family, 2 teenagers each. Years of me trying to instil some form of normality here since he has never educated his kids in any way, shape or form. Every time there’s been a problem with the kids he goes into complete denial and if I persist he just loses it with me. We had an argument yesterday ( I had a go at my 18 year old for leaving a messy sink load of pots, eating his dinner in his newly-decorated bedroom at midnight, and (very probably) smoking in there to boot. OH said I create stress and a bad atmosphere when I have a go at the kids. I said I had to get out, meaning go for a walk to think about more pleasant things … I said to him that it would’ve been nice to have had some parental support from him whilst I ranted for 10 minutes whilst he turned mute. He the lost it completely and started yelling at me in the street as I left to go for a walk. Things got worse tonight because he refuses to talk -lost it again when I tried to mention the state of our relationship. He turned around and said ‘yeah and my daughter went to her mothers yesterday because of you shouting’. That was the red flag to the bull for me I’m afraid. I slapped his face and told him I was done with him. He said ´ok’

OP posts:
AutumnalPumpkin · 29/08/2023 23:33

It seems like you are touchy, and pick your battles with things that do not need to be argued about.. hence causing arguments that spiral out of control.
I think he is the victim here. He's had enough.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 29/08/2023 23:35

Wow poor kids.

You obviously need help with your anger.
It sounds like everyone walks on egg shells around you and you’re constantly trying to goad him into and argument. I can see why he stays silent.

This relationship doesn’t work and it’s the kids (even though they’re teens) who are going to be most damaged by this.
It’s a toxic environment that they, you or him shouldn’t be in.

Whats worse is that if he slapped you I would have told him to go to the police but I bet he wouldn’t even do that because of how manipulative you sound.

cloudsandream · 29/08/2023 23:38

How did you slap his face when you’re that much smaller than him??

MsRosley · 29/08/2023 23:46

OP, check out this thread if you have time: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4881109-the-love-of-my-life-has-just-left-me-and-i-am-heartbroken The initial posters on there were also horrible to the OP, but it turned out the situation was much more complex than many had assumed. As others here have said, ignore the trolls, they love nothing more than a pile on.

I hope you manage to extricate yourself.

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken. | Mumsnet

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4881109-the-love-of-my-life-has-just-left-me-and-i-am-heartbroken

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 23:51

MsRosley · 29/08/2023 23:46

OP, check out this thread if you have time: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4881109-the-love-of-my-life-has-just-left-me-and-i-am-heartbroken The initial posters on there were also horrible to the OP, but it turned out the situation was much more complex than many had assumed. As others here have said, ignore the trolls, they love nothing more than a pile on.

I hope you manage to extricate yourself.

Thank you so much -this is just what I needed. God bless you x

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 30/08/2023 00:01

Why can’t an 18yo eat in their room at midnight? The pots I understand but 18yo do sometimes eat late and in their own bedroom.

sounds like an awful relationship and not good for anyone so see it as an opportunity to find happiness.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 30/08/2023 00:34

Just read your previous thread.

This relationship is very toxic and it does seem that you are the driver of the negativity.

I feel very sorry for the children involved.

This relationship doesn’t work.
Its time to separate and just both move on.

anotherside · 30/08/2023 00:39

Things got worse tonight because he refuses to talk -lost it again when I tried to mention the state of our relationship. He turned around and said ‘yeah and my daughter went to her mothers yesterday because of you shouting’. That was the red flag to the bull for me I’m afraid. I slapped his face and told him I was done with him. He said ´ok’

Well, it sounds like you’ll both be better off without one another. But nothing in your description or further comments regarding his behaviour excuses a physical assault. So you certainly crossed a line there.

Screamingabdabz · 30/08/2023 00:44

Slapping someone around the face is the action of someone who is not emotionally regulated. You may have been upset op but there is no excuse. You assaulted someone. You need to really take a long hard look at yourself.

You should reflect on why your first response in an upsetting situation is a violent physical (immature) outburst instead of a more regulated (adult) response. Then you need to work on understanding your emotional triggers, naming them and working on them.

UniversalAunt · 30/08/2023 01:08

@lemonbabe it seems to me that you two as a couple are done.

You’ve done your best, tried hard & made many compromises, & he’ll have his perspective on all of that, but the key point is that you are not getting what you need.

Now tonight things have gone too far.
Any tolerance & goodwill has been used up, the relationship & transactions between you is kaput.

Neither of you is obliged to put this back together…& honestly can you say that there is now enough that is good between you to make it worthwhile for you to continue?

Set your own kids (& his) the sample of you making decisions towards having a better life for you, not for him or them, but for you. That means building a way of life that meets your needs & values. This is not about you walking out.

First step tomorrow, Women’s Aid to talk through options as you are living in an abusive relationship & this needs to change.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/08/2023 04:53

What is your accommodation situation? Do you own or rent? Jointly or independently?

Because you need to leave him, but who actually leaves the home needs to be worked out.

momonpurpose · 30/08/2023 05:20

While I'm not saying the hitting was right maybe this is the best for all of you. It can be so so hard blending families. Sometimes a fresh start is the only way. Sending you a hug and best wishes going forward. And that's just it never stop going forward ❤️

Original poster
lemonbabe · 30/08/2023 05:34

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/08/2023 04:53

What is your accommodation situation? Do you own or rent? Jointly or independently?

Because you need to leave him, but who actually leaves the home needs to be worked out.

I live in his house.

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 30/08/2023 05:53

You are getting some harsh responses on here op. Whilst slapping him is obviously a massive no no, I can understand (note I said understand, not excuse!) why you lost your temper. If he is as disrespectful as you say, if he refuses to correct the dc in anyway, but is more than happy to shout and throw insults at you, and encourage dc to do it too, I too would be extremely pissed off. The relationship is clearly toxic and not good for either of you in anyway. You have also literally just lost all credibility about anything he ever did wrong because you slapped him. No coming back from this. It’s his house, which is an issue, but you need to start looking to the future and making a plan which doesn’t include him. You do not bring out the best in each other.

Godzillaisjusthangry · 30/08/2023 06:05

Do you have somewhere to go?

Sounds like it's run it's course and the best thing all round is to separate. Not a good environment for the kids.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 30/08/2023 06:13

Well you need to leave. That's the first thing.

Then I think you need some therapy to explore why you let someone treat you so poorly for so long.

Hiddenvoice · 30/08/2023 07:18

It sounds like It’s not been a healthy relationship for quite some time. The violence has been another thing ontop of the verbal abuse. No one is excusing your behaviour or his but it’s for the best that the relationship is over.

Is there anyone you can stay with?

I think you should seek some support and perhaps some counselling. There is so much to unpack here and you sound completely broken. It also sounds like there are anger issues from both sides too.

Greenwitchhorse · 30/08/2023 07:31

You assaulted him.

The fact that this is a woman slapping a man does not change anything.

It has to be the same response/advice we would give a woman who had a violent partner who can't manage their anger: the advice is always that when a partner becomes violent then the relationship is over and the person who has been assaulted needs to make immediate plans to leave (or tell their partner to leave) and report the other person to the police (so they have a record of domestic violence while going through divorce proceedings).

Long term you also need to learn to control your anger and not resort to shouting and assaulting people simply because you are angry...

This atmosphere must also be having a really negative impact on your children.

There is no justification for what you did.

Aprilx · 30/08/2023 07:33

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 21:57

He was shouting at me. I was not shouting - I was laying down the law with my son. He called me a liar and goaded my son to call me a liar too. He said some very nasty things knowing full well that he’d hurt me.

You said you ranted for ten minutes. And I think I can believe that. You are not coming across very well at all and I hope this is a permanent split.

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 07:37

It sounds like he had a point about his daughter having to leave. Why would anyone shout in front of a child? That's quite traumatising for them to hear and they shouldn't have to witness domestic abuse.

It's also concerning how a comment like that (which is fairly mild) can induce you not to use violence.

Codependantnomore · 30/08/2023 07:42

You keep adding bits on to the story to defend yourself. When a child has to leave the house because you are ranting at a 19 year old for eating in his room and then you give her dad a few slaps… it’s time to move your ass out.

MushMonster · 30/08/2023 07:44

Just break it off and go your separate ways from now.
You have completely different parenting styles. There is not any respect for the sounds of it.
If you fully part ways, at least you can parent your lot.

livinglifetothefull · 30/08/2023 07:50

He has a point .
If it was him hit you this would be a man bashing thread your no different imo.
Most 18 year olds eat in there room anyway and getting worked up over some washing up is ridiculous .
You lost control for the sounds of it its not the first time and maybe they have just had enough of you .
My mother was like you and it drove us mad walking on egg shells .

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 07:54

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 07:37

It sounds like he had a point about his daughter having to leave. Why would anyone shout in front of a child? That's quite traumatising for them to hear and they shouldn't have to witness domestic abuse.

It's also concerning how a comment like that (which is fairly mild) can induce you not to use violence.

That meant to say "induce you to use violence".

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 30/08/2023 08:02

You need to leave his house. You are not a safe person for him or his daughter.

I would suggest anger management.

You seem to have control issues.