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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The love of my life has just left me and I am heartbroken.

412 replies

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:43

After a series of arguments, mainly caused by my about the same thing over and over again my dp has left me. He took his bags today and went. My heart shattered into a million pieces watching him walk out that door. He has blocked me on fb which is the only platform either of us use and pretty much is cold as ice now although we have had to message about the kids today.

Help me get over this? I loved him with all of my being and fucked it up with one last argument last night that he is not going to get over. Not ever. Aside from the recent arguments we have only had about others in our relationship. I have lost my best friend, my team mate, my lover all in the space of a day. What can I do to heal? It hurts so very much. I am dying inside right now as I type this because I dont want to tell family or friends. Im shattered. Please help me cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:44

4 other arguements sorry my numberlock was on.

OP posts:
RandomForest · 26/08/2023 14:47

I suppose it depends on what the arguments were about.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:50

Lets just say the 4 over tyhe years were about his exes but not his fault to be fair more my insecurity. This week we argued because for my birthday he 'didnt have time' to buy me a gift and just gave me a card. In his head the intention was to buy me a gift later but there was no indication of this on the card or mentioned at all. We had a lovely family meal out and I drank a few too many wines and just went ballistic on him. We talked through it and then said no more bad words but I was celebrating with a night out and came home and had more wine and kicked off again. He has now packed his bags and gone. Last nights argument I was very loudly shouting and I am beyond sad and disgusted with myself to say the police were called. He will never forgive me. I am broken though.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 26/08/2023 14:53

This week we argued because for my birthday he 'didnt have time' to buy me a gift and just gave me a card.*
*
That's shitty behaviour OP. However bad it feels now honestly you'll be glad you had this lucky escape further down the line.

rubyslippers · 26/08/2023 14:54

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:50

Lets just say the 4 over tyhe years were about his exes but not his fault to be fair more my insecurity. This week we argued because for my birthday he 'didnt have time' to buy me a gift and just gave me a card. In his head the intention was to buy me a gift later but there was no indication of this on the card or mentioned at all. We had a lovely family meal out and I drank a few too many wines and just went ballistic on him. We talked through it and then said no more bad words but I was celebrating with a night out and came home and had more wine and kicked off again. He has now packed his bags and gone. Last nights argument I was very loudly shouting and I am beyond sad and disgusted with myself to say the police were called. He will never forgive me. I am broken though.

wine and jealousy not a good mix
You’ve admitted you’re insecure - have you done stuff to address this?
how bad was the row that the police were called and did the kids witness this?

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:56

Well that is what i thought that how has he not had time in 12 months since my last bday to get me anything but he didnt and when i of course with the wine in mentioned what i ywgot for his bday etc i was called materialistic which I am not. Anyway we glossed over that one but it was still bubbling beneath the surface for me and he had been ignoring me and I flipped again. I am not proud of my behaviour in the least but I am a crushed woman today.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 26/08/2023 14:57

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this OP. Of course he probably should have gone to more effort than just a card (depending on what “normal” birthdays look like in your relationship, if a card & meal would be the usual or if a gift would be expected).

However, it sounds as though you spoke to him about it, resolved it, and then kicked off about it again.

That’s not fair behaviour, and to have been shouting to the extent the police were called, if this were a woman posting about a man doing this everyone would be telling her to leave, so I think your DP has done the right thing leaving for his own sake.

Is it maybe worth you thinking about why you felt the need to kick off again, or what caused you to be so angry that it escalated as much as it did?

Aquaphant · 26/08/2023 14:57

Who called the police? We're the kids home to witness all this? It sounds very unhealthy for both of you. However it's all fresh and raw right now, and he might just need some time to cool off.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:57

@rubyslippers the row was bad as in me shouting and ranting so the police were called to calm me down. I am disgusted by my actions today and unfortunately yes the kids did witness it.

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 26/08/2023 14:59

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:56

Well that is what i thought that how has he not had time in 12 months since my last bday to get me anything but he didnt and when i of course with the wine in mentioned what i ywgot for his bday etc i was called materialistic which I am not. Anyway we glossed over that one but it was still bubbling beneath the surface for me and he had been ignoring me and I flipped again. I am not proud of my behaviour in the least but I am a crushed woman today.

It's not about being materialistic is it? If he really cared for you and was good DP you wouldn't give a crap about the card as a one off and it wouldn't have caused an argument. My guess is it's symptomatic of the lack of regard he has for you - which is why you constantly feel so insecure.
Better off out. Focus on yourself for a while and avoid dating until you're in a good place

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:59

@Mrsttcno1 alcohol. The root of all evil. It was still simmering because when he told me what he planned to get me it was actually something I had specified before that I never wanted. For context we normally go for a night away with dinner and spa treatments for our birthdays which are prethought of and paid for and all that on the day itself.

OP posts:
Bookish88 · 26/08/2023 15:00

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:57

@rubyslippers the row was bad as in me shouting and ranting so the police were called to calm me down. I am disgusted by my actions today and unfortunately yes the kids did witness it.

That's pretty unforgivable behaviour, OP. Nevermind your heartbreak, I've been the child in that situation and it's absolutely terrifying. You need to get a grip of yourself for their sakes and knock the drinking fully on the head.

YukoandHiro · 26/08/2023 15:00

And yes your behaviour/the way you handled your feelings was totally unreasonable but you already know that

rubyslippers · 26/08/2023 15:01

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:57

@rubyslippers the row was bad as in me shouting and ranting so the police were called to calm me down. I am disgusted by my actions today and unfortunately yes the kids did witness it.

I think the kids need to be prioritised and reassured right now
to be honest if my DP did this to me and police were called I’d leave
sounds like you both need time to cool off and meet when things are calmer to talk about the future
of course you’re going to feel rotten - a lot has happened but you need to also get to the root of it so it can’t happen again

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:01

@YukoandHiro oh I will not be dating again. I could not go through this soul destroying crushing pain I am going through right now. We are normally day to day a very loving and tactile couple. 4 arguments over the years we are together is not much but this week it was 2-3 about the same thing (him not being thoughtful and me feeling not a priority) and now he has gone.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 26/08/2023 15:02

Poor kids. I was that kid and I’m 47 this year and never forgotten how terrified I felt. I think it’s best it’s over as it’s so unfair to put your kids through this. Apologise, start to plan for a life of focussing on your kids for a while. We all make mistakes, but learn from it and never put your kids in that position again. It’s not something they will ever forget

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:03

@Bookish88 yes agreed and i had too many too many nights being honest but we had been away and was celebrating. I have every intention of no more wines but in the interim my heart aches and I dont know how to stop the pain. I feel so so lonely without him. He really is my everything.

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 26/08/2023 15:03

Give him space and concentrate on the kids for now. It’s the day after and feelings are still very raw.

Original poster
Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 15:04

The kids have been spoken to, hugged and apologised to. They are teenagers all of them and there was nothing to be afraid of only me shouting the odds. I know it is unforgivable but there was nothing physical at all and never would have been.

OP posts:
OneFingerOneThumbKeepMoving · 26/08/2023 15:09

Sorry OP but something jumps out for me, you seem very ME ME ME. Your first priority needs to be the children. I'm afraid you have to put your feelings on the back burner occasionally and this is one of those times. I hope you are able to find some happiness and contentment in your life given time.

WorseDecision · 26/08/2023 15:09

Maybe get some help for your problem with alcohol you shouldn't be drinking if it causes you to become argumentative and aggressive.

Show him your willing to make changes, things may calm down between you two and you may get another chance.

Notlongnow01 · 26/08/2023 15:10

Sorry but it must have been bad if the police were called. Who called them?

LBFseBrom · 26/08/2023 15:11

Ifuckeditallup · 26/08/2023 14:59

@Mrsttcno1 alcohol. The root of all evil. It was still simmering because when he told me what he planned to get me it was actually something I had specified before that I never wanted. For context we normally go for a night away with dinner and spa treatments for our birthdays which are prethought of and paid for and all that on the day itself.

How very extravagant! You've been quite spoiled in the past.

When people say they do not want a particular item, the listener often only remembers the item. I've come across that often.

You've only been together for four years and have child(ren), who witnessed this appalling debacle, plus it was so bad the police were called.

What is the matter with you? I get you were drinking but if you know it affects you like that, why drink?

It's possible that when he calms down, your partner will return, likely because you have children whom he will miss.

You must get your act together, forget his exes, they are ex for a reason, and don't make such a big deal out of an ordinary birthday. It's all out of proportion.

Wiii · 26/08/2023 15:14

I'd stop drinking if I were you.

YouJustDoYou · 26/08/2023 15:15

Well, you went out for a lovely meal, and he only got you a card and you felt hurt. But you got drunk, exploded at him (and it sounds like it wasn't the first time), and now he's had enough of being treated like that and walked. I don't blame him. If my dp treated me like that I would too. It sucks for you, but it's consequences, sadly. With the present thing, some guys simply don't give much effort - you have to tell them what you want, or if they do do just a card, you just appreciate the nice night out, the drinks etc, and pointedly say what present you want and if not just go buy it for yourself. Not romantic at all, and he's not "thought" of you but a nice meal out is a nice thing too, surely?