Just slapped my OH around the face before with finishing him

[lemonbabe]

…and now I’m feeling dreadful😥Very long story short … together 7 years, blended family, 2 teenagers each. Years of me trying to instil some form of normality here since he has never educated his kids in any way, shape or form. Every time there’s been a problem with the kids he goes into complete denial and if I persist he just loses it with me. We had an argument yesterday ( I had a go at my 18 year old for leaving a messy sink load of pots, eating his dinner in his newly-decorated bedroom at midnight, and (very probably) smoking in there to boot. OH said I create stress and a bad atmosphere when I have a go at the kids. I said I had to get out, meaning go for a walk to think about more pleasant things … I said to him that it would’ve been nice to have had some parental support from him whilst I ranted for 10 minutes whilst he turned mute. He the lost it completely and started yelling at me in the street as I left to go for a walk. Things got worse tonight because he refuses to talk -lost it again when I tried to mention the state of our relationship. He turned around and said ‘yeah and my daughter went to her mothers yesterday because of you shouting’. That was the red flag to the bull for me I’m afraid. I slapped his face and told him I was done with him. He said ´ok’

I was in a relationship with a man who told me his ex was violent, specifically when drinking.

He said she kicked his door, she hit him. He also said she banged her own head off door architraves, and that she tried to get out of a moving vehicle he was driving.

Also once that she said she'd throw herself down a flight of stairs in his home and blame him.

I don't know what she really did or didn't do.

What I do know is that;

He was the most controlling, jealous, possessive, insecure, chauvanist, judgemental, dishonest, manipulative man I've ever tried to have a relationship with.

He was prone to ranting. He was prone to temper tantrums. He was prone to verbal abuse. He was, past the honeymoon stage, consistently critical about everything and anything.

He was a dementor.
I'll just make that word up.

The incident where she kicked his door. I learned later that they'd been out in a pub, she had decided to leave and - because he had coerced her into the same setup that he tried (never successfully) to coerce me into; that we were never to go out/be out socially without each other ... He had to leave too. Those were his rules - he wouldn't be out socially without his partner, and she shouldn't be likewise.
Except he didn't leave, he pretended to and went back. She suspected and after trying to get into the (after hours) pub - from which he slipped out a back or side door and went to his home nearby. His cousin and wife took pity on her, took him to his home and tried to get him to come to the door. He signalled to his cousin to not persist and refused to answer the door. She kicked the door in frustration.

She wanted to prove he was a liar and hypocrite who set up and enforced socialising rules on her that he didn't stick to himself. I can imagine how frustrated she would have felt, given how much time and energy he put into the coercion - the narrative that respectful, strong, fair couples did not go out drinking and socialising singly. I can understand why she kicked his door when he skulked in his home and wouldn't even speak to her, his partner.

She obviously shouldn't have been in that position on the first place; she should have ended the relationship but ... People don't always do what they should do in relationships immediately or at all.

On the subject of his ranting; having been subjected to several of them.- often filled with illogical, contradictory, twisted allegations and accusations ....which you couldn't reason with. I came to understand how someone would bang their head off something ..... I wouldn't do it but I could understand it, a certain type of person would.

On the subject of the car .... Again, I found myself in situations where he would likewise rant or be verbally abusive or text repeatedy while driving in which I asked him several times to stop the car so I could get out. Again, I personally would never step out of a still moving vehicle, but I can understand how a different type of personality might

Over time, I saw that everything he claimed she'd done was reactive.

People like him, and like ops ex (the verbal abuse and getting her some to join in etc) will do this to anyone. People wool react differently to it; some w

Sorry posted accidentally.

Some will never snap to the point of physically striking him, some will. I don't see it as the latters fault. Just that they respond differently to abuse.

*the verbal abuse and getting her son to join in etc.

@Wiccan just wanting to clarify I 100% think you were right in what you did.

(Incidentally completely unprompted he told me that she had hit him and he had done "nothing", just put his hands over to protect his face and head ... I didn't ask about their relationship, I didn't ask what he'd done when she'd been violent etc. He felt the need to specify he'd done nothing.

He had a tone of voice when he said that .... That I later came to associate with him lying/bullshitting. Every other time I heard him use that tone of voice, I discovered he was lying about something.

He (the most it illiterate person I've ever met) looked incredibly uncomfortable, really noticeably so, when I mentioned that it was possible to see details of criminal etc cases the his area online, of covered by the local newspaper). I have never seen someone look so freaked out).

As ever so many people minimising violence.

I wonder if your response will be the same when/if she hits her DS?

Of course it will be a different user name but the same BS will be trotted out by the same users.

I think it's extremely unfair to pillory someone just because they have physically struck someone .... When they've been subjected to repeated abuse of non physical types.

It's easy to say they should have walked away. Often the people saying it self righteously have themselves not walked away neatly from poor behaviour or abuse or dysfunction. It's always very easy to say when it's not you.

Also the fact is .... Random, chip pan anecdotes aside ... a woman slapping a man is no physical threat to him. And that matters whether posters here want to pretend it doesn't or not.

If you abuse, goad, denent and disrespect someone ... Including drafting their own kids into it on your side ..... you might get hit.

He's a man, he's escaped unscathed from this terribly violent, threatening slap from a physically smaller weaker person he was bullying and torturing.

Maybe put your outrage to better use against the deluge of male on female violence and abuse.

I can be "outraged" about both maybe you should try it instead of minimising what the OP has done.

But then you already have a deluge of excuses for when she escalates further as long as its aimed at males.

Ignore the trolls on here OP.
anyone telling you, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence has absolutely no clue. They’re just wanting to be seen as equalising genders.

Suffering years of verbal abuse can trigger something called reactive abuse and you where put in a pot and boiled.
It doesn’t make it right. However it certainly doesn’t mean that’s who you are and you will repeat this in another relationship.

Relationships can create toxic environments for the worst parts of ourselves to breed.

True abusers will inhabit these traits regardless of the level of toxicity in a relationship and even they can be rehabilitated. Some successful, others not.

Please don’t take advice from people on the internet who claim righteousness and think they know the bottom line. The bottom line ends with you.

let me take a stab, you cook, clean, run round after everyone, while being trodden on like shit. So after years of that and having to nag and try set ground-rules you finally snapped and lost it!

This is your key to leave. The worst has happened and you are no longer happy. Your 18 year old will wake up one day and realise the stress he is causing you. Most likely when he has children himself. For now you will have to weather the storm with him. But he is 18 now and your focus should be yourself. You have alot of inner healing and work to do.

One day you will find someone who appreciates you. Right now, you are not ready.

You need to stop justifying why it was ok that you hit him, deal with your anger issues and make sure the relationship is over for good.

I can't believe the justification for violence towards men on this thread, it's disgusting.

I'm not excusing any behaviour of OPs partner as there is no excuse for shouting and 'losing it' with someone but equally, there's no excuse to hit someone just because they are winding you up.

A PP said fights and arguments are normal in a relationship, they really aren't if the relationship is healthy. There's no need to shout and argue.

I've been there myself, I was in an abusive relationship so I do understand.

I get what you are trying to explain, probably I would be someone trying to get out of the moving car.
By the last part, do you mean there could've been reports of his crimes?:
He (the most it illiterate person I've ever met) looked incredibly uncomfortable, really noticeably so, when I mentioned that it was possible to see details of criminal etc cases the his area online, of covered by the local newspaper). I have never seen someone look so freaked out).

You know this has become a toxic situation and you have to leave. For both your sakes and for the kids. You shouldn't have slapped him. If you were on your own you could probably become a much calmer person and parent though. I understand its awful to be constantly undermined by someone who should be supporting you with parenting. He doesnt sound like a calm person either 'losing it' with you. You'd be better off apart. And this level of tension will be harming your kids.
You really need to properly break up. Dont drag this on any longer. You've already become violent what more sign do you need that its not working?

I can understand the urge to slap your husband.

Would it be okay if your boys were slapped by their partners? Would you understand that?

@Bewildbefree

Suffering years of verbal abuse can trigger something called reactive abuse and you where put in a pot and boiled.
It doesn’t make it right. However it certainly doesn’t mean that’s who you are and you will repeat this in another relationship.

I agree with you. But I'm curious where you stand with the genders reversed in regards to reactive abuse. Ie if a man snaps and hits the woman after years of being nagged, harassed and belittled, would you excuse that too?

Personally I would, because I think the 'reactive' part of 'reactive abuse' is very often disregarded by society, especially when it's the man hitting back. But I think we'd actually have a better society if people didn't feel physically safe in belittling and hurting others verbally.

@Aneuploidy

Thanks for an informative post with much food for thought.

Probably could of handled the situation better.
It sounds like this was built up anger that you shouldn't of acted on in that moment.

Built up dishes etc can be frustrating especially dealing with teenagers but learn how to control your frustration.
Bad Atmosphere in a blended home is SO uncomfortable

Take a break from each other.

@AbraKedavra

Yes I would take the same stance.
There is a massive difference from someone giving a slap to stop the pain they are enduring to someone physically going at some one in a violent rage with intent to harm unapologetically.

A man will usually hold a women, or push them and pin them down to make them stop. They don’t usually slap out or if they do it’s usually on a lesser level, because they know they’re able to make her stop using little force. People aren’t stupid. Unless we do have anger issues. We have some level of control even in our outbursts.

When you are pushed into a corner and verbally abused repeatedly until you can’t take no more, it’s human nature to want to squash the source.

It is a really grey area and one that needs to be picked apart subjectively case by case.

Too many posters here are seeking you find an answer objectively. They won’t, they will only feed their own opinions. You cannot call everyone who is in toxic relationships abusers or you’ll find a great percentage of the population will fall under that category. Its a dangerous card to pull.

So unless you’re an expert or know the relationship personally. I’d refrain from throwing damaging terms around. No psychologist or therapist would ever name someone an domestic violence perpetrator without critically analysing the relationship first. So please be careful how you word things.

Human relationships are complex. Violence is never the answer, but violence happens in bullying situations. Because guess what we’re human.

Yes. I think the police were called out to incidents between he and his ex, or perhaps she reported him, or similar.

He thought I could find out, when I told him about reading about a local case he told me a out online.

He just looked more uncomfortable than I can remember seeing anyone look, like he was turning inside out.

Thank fuck for a voice of reason I'm the midst of the "domestic violence perpetrator!!!" screeching.

People should never ever ever strike someone when being abused by them, or having been abused by them repeatedly.... What a lovely idea, welcome to this planet.

I personally have refrained from striking an abuser, but I wouldn't blame anyone who had struck him one iota.

Just to add that that's probably just my character; more verbal than physical. But he reduced me to shouting and shouting the same thing repeatedly in sheer frustration .... In response to the latest round of accusations (most of which made no sense, were untrue and were dropped/dismissed and glossed over as soon as his trantrum.was over or he thought he'd pushed a teeny bit too far and might be actually getting the heave ho this time).

When I stated shouting the sane thing on repeat "I didn't say/do that" ... He declared me a "psycho".

That's how men like this operate.

I grew up in a house with endless screaming and shouting and DV, it was awful. You sound like a nightmare with no boundaries and no control over your emotions. Sad that a teenager leaves the house to get away from your racket and you still think it's someone else in the wrong.

Not all women who hit men do so because they have been abused, some do it because they know they won't be hit back.

It seems as though the thread has tied itself in knots with some people arguing that actually it's OK for a woman to hit a man / women are allowed to lose control and lash out.

Of course it isn't OK. If you've lost control to the point of slapping someone, then you aren't in control. So if in that moment you had a glass in your hand, you'd have hit them with the glass. Violence is never OK. Whether it's controlled, planned, abuse or uncontrolled lashing out. No relationship situation will improve from someone hitting the other person. And it can end very badly.

Yes there seems to be issues on both sides. The op resorted to violence, by her own posts she seems to get very angry with the children, her teen SD is frightened of her behaviour.

And by those same posts, the op's OH is goady and nasty to the Op.

So the only answer here is for the op to move out and accept this relationship is never going to work. It's a damaging environment for the children, and the adults are unhappy.