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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just slapped my OH around the face before with finishing him

210 replies

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 21:44

…and now I’m feeling dreadful😥Very long story short … together 7 years, blended family, 2 teenagers each. Years of me trying to instil some form of normality here since he has never educated his kids in any way, shape or form. Every time there’s been a problem with the kids he goes into complete denial and if I persist he just loses it with me. We had an argument yesterday ( I had a go at my 18 year old for leaving a messy sink load of pots, eating his dinner in his newly-decorated bedroom at midnight, and (very probably) smoking in there to boot. OH said I create stress and a bad atmosphere when I have a go at the kids. I said I had to get out, meaning go for a walk to think about more pleasant things … I said to him that it would’ve been nice to have had some parental support from him whilst I ranted for 10 minutes whilst he turned mute. He the lost it completely and started yelling at me in the street as I left to go for a walk. Things got worse tonight because he refuses to talk -lost it again when I tried to mention the state of our relationship. He turned around and said ‘yeah and my daughter went to her mothers yesterday because of you shouting’. That was the red flag to the bull for me I’m afraid. I slapped his face and told him I was done with him. He said ´ok’

OP posts:
Patchesofdrizzle · 29/08/2023 22:53

It's over, which is good as it sounds like a miserable relationship.

Obviously slapping him was not the right thing to do, but don't let guilt over this colour the way you separate- you need to ensure that you and your children have somewhere decent to live and you need to split assets.

I don't know why posters are hoping you'll be arrested for assault - what you did was wrong, you recognise it, you're not going to do it again, your relationship is over, your partner isn't living in fear - what's to be gained by police involvement?

WandaWonder · 29/08/2023 22:55

AllOfThemWitches · 29/08/2023 22:26

And there is a difference between a woman slapping a man coz she lost her shit to a man deliberately intimidating and intending to cause harm to a woman. No matter how much you pretend otherwise.

So if you can justify it to yourself it's OK, ridiculous

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 22:55

AllOfThemWitches · 29/08/2023 22:26

And there is a difference between a woman slapping a man coz she lost her shit to a man deliberately intimidating and intending to cause harm to a woman. No matter how much you pretend otherwise.

I slapped him after being goaded, insulted and undermined in front of my kids. Abuse can be verbal as much as physical. I am not condoning my behaviour but making me out to be a very violent, abusive person is just too much. I couldn’t possibly go into the whole background and context of our relationship, suffice to say I’ve been the one on the receiving end of vile remarks and manipulative behaviour Tonight with HIM yelling at me once again AND throwing around extremely nasty comments, I lost it. Seems everyone else thinks I was shouting which is untrue -he was the one yelling.

OP posts:
ToastyCrumpets · 29/08/2023 22:58

He shouldn’t have shouted at you, but you definitely shouldn’t have slapped him. That is violent and abusive.

It sounds like it’s best all round that the relationship is over.

Canisaysomething · 29/08/2023 22:58

How Jeremy Kyle of you.

ScottishIceCream · 29/08/2023 22:59

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 22:55

I slapped him after being goaded, insulted and undermined in front of my kids. Abuse can be verbal as much as physical. I am not condoning my behaviour but making me out to be a very violent, abusive person is just too much. I couldn’t possibly go into the whole background and context of our relationship, suffice to say I’ve been the one on the receiving end of vile remarks and manipulative behaviour Tonight with HIM yelling at me once again AND throwing around extremely nasty comments, I lost it. Seems everyone else thinks I was shouting which is untrue -he was the one yelling.

Show quote history

Why didnt you leave if he's that nasty to you? Why stay till you lose it and become a dv perpetrator yourself?

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 23:02

WandaWonder · 29/08/2023 22:55

So if you can justify it to yourself it's OK, ridiculous

Show quote history

Nobody is justifying anything!! He’s 6ft 2 and weighs 16 stone -I weigh half of that and am 5ft 2 at a push. It was a slap granted. Wrong? YES undoubtedly. There is a context to this story that is too long winded to entertain. I have been the victim of his abusive language, manipulation, threats and I intimidation and tonight after he yet again started yelling at me, I lost it.

OP posts:
Cupcakekiller · 29/08/2023 23:04

You both sound awful and I feel sorry for the kids stuck in the middle.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 23:04

I should have left, I just didn’t have the strength -I hoped things would change. I put so much into it.

OP posts:
BillaBongGirl · 29/08/2023 23:06

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 22:45

Thanks BillaBong -I’m not on here to defend my actions. I didn’t scream at anyone, least of all the kids. Everyone seems to have made this into something else. Yes I did slap him and that is so wrong. What is also wrong is abusive language, intimidation and yelling and disrespecting me in front of my kids … he did all of this. And yes, I am literally at the end of my tether 🥲

Show quote history

Focus on the moving forward bits. Don’t be tempted to try again with your DP. Arrange the split as calmly as you can. I’d seek some therapy- there are charities- for you and your adult son. You’ve developed toxic behaviour patterns over the past seven years and it will take hard work from you to break free from them. But you’ve done the hardest thing and that is to know a lost cause is a lost cause, that it is time to abandon the sinking ship.

TrishM80 · 29/08/2023 23:07

I'd like to hear his side of the story. I don't think the OP is as sweet and innocent as she's making out.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/08/2023 23:07

Not sure what you were expecting from posting this. Violence is wrong, whoever the perpetrator.

The relationship sounds terrible, you’re better off without each other.

SquirrelFeeder · 29/08/2023 23:07

Bloody hell. If it was the other way around, you'd be 'getting your ducks in a row'

Hibiscrubbed · 29/08/2023 23:09

There is no excuse but he goaded me, he even pushed me out of the way yesterday after yelling at me. I just couldn’t take any more tonight.

I don’t think you represented quite what horrible things he did and said to you, so people are focusing on you slapping him.

You sound completely done. It doesn’t justify slapping him, but I can understand it when someone is relentlessly shouting, goading, and trying to hurt you.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 23:11

TrishM80 · 29/08/2023 23:07

I'd like to hear his side of the story. I don't think the OP is as sweet and innocent as she's making out.

… having his 19 year old son call me a whore in front of him and he doesn’t react…

OP posts:
BillaBongGirl · 29/08/2023 23:13

TrishM80 · 29/08/2023 23:07

I'd like to hear his side of the story. I don't think the OP is as sweet and innocent as she's making out.

OP hasn’t said she is sweet or innocent! She’s been upfront with her mistakes. So she snapped once. At least there was no lasting harm. Best thing she can do is remove him from the picture so there is no chance of that happening again. There’s no need really to paint her like she’s the female equivalent of a wife beater.

Vgtasd · 29/08/2023 23:14

You sound like an angry nightmare and I know from past experience it's terrible dealing with someone like that

BacktoBeginnersFran · 29/08/2023 23:15

While what you did was undoubtedly wrong I can see how you felt pushed to it. But what's next? Is it over? Because I get the feeling you'll stay with him, and that's no good for anyone

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 23:16

Thanks to all those who provided support here. I am NOT trying to defend my actions and some rather insensitive souls on here seem hell bent on just wanting to make me feel worse. I feel bad enough, believe me. If you mess up are you not entitled to say ‘Help -I messed up’ ? I’m a warm, sensitive, devoted mother trying to get through life -I’m not perfect but I am not some kind of a monster.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 29/08/2023 23:18

justasking111 · 29/08/2023 22:02

Sounds like a pretty unhappy house to be honest.

Yes this.

You sound pretty awful to live with OP and the household sounds an unhappy one. Maybe you’re just incompatible all round. No excuse for hitting him. Do you (or he?) have anger issues generally as there’s seems to be too much shouting and ranting about one thing or another.

justasking111 · 29/08/2023 23:19

@lemonbabe take what you need from this thread and ignore the rest. You always get the crones knitting around the gallows. Twas ever thus.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 23:21

BacktoBeginnersFran · 29/08/2023 23:15

While what you did was undoubtedly wrong I can see how you felt pushed to it. But what's next? Is it over? Because I get the feeling you'll stay with him, and that's no good for anyone

No I can’t stay with him. It just feels so wrong. I was scared of leaving for all the classic reasons. I literally cannot take anymore now -it’s the disrespect, it pains me. I can’t do that to myself and I do feel it would be better for my kids to go it alone.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2023 23:21

SquirrelFeeder · 29/08/2023 23:07

Bloody hell. If it was the other way around, you'd be 'getting your ducks in a row'

More like calling 999, having him removed and then getting on to women’s aid etc

No one would be suggesting she drove him to it.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 23:22

willWillSmithsmith · 29/08/2023 23:18

Yes this.

You sound pretty awful to live with OP and the household sounds an unhappy one. Maybe you’re just incompatible all round. No excuse for hitting him. Do you (or he?) have anger issues generally as there’s seems to be too much shouting and ranting about one thing or another.

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And you sound like a narrow-minded, insensitive person.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 23:27

justasking111 · 29/08/2023 23:19

@lemonbabe take what you need from this thread and ignore the rest. You always get the crones knitting around the gallows. Twas ever thus.

🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼 yep, I guess I will. Thank the Lord there are some kind words of advice and support -I feel wretched and the fact that I did wrong only compounds it. I came on here because quite simply I didn’t know where to turn.

OP posts:
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