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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just slapped my OH around the face before with finishing him

210 replies

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 21:44

…and now I’m feeling dreadful😥Very long story short … together 7 years, blended family, 2 teenagers each. Years of me trying to instil some form of normality here since he has never educated his kids in any way, shape or form. Every time there’s been a problem with the kids he goes into complete denial and if I persist he just loses it with me. We had an argument yesterday ( I had a go at my 18 year old for leaving a messy sink load of pots, eating his dinner in his newly-decorated bedroom at midnight, and (very probably) smoking in there to boot. OH said I create stress and a bad atmosphere when I have a go at the kids. I said I had to get out, meaning go for a walk to think about more pleasant things … I said to him that it would’ve been nice to have had some parental support from him whilst I ranted for 10 minutes whilst he turned mute. He the lost it completely and started yelling at me in the street as I left to go for a walk. Things got worse tonight because he refuses to talk -lost it again when I tried to mention the state of our relationship. He turned around and said ‘yeah and my daughter went to her mothers yesterday because of you shouting’. That was the red flag to the bull for me I’m afraid. I slapped his face and told him I was done with him. He said ´ok’

OP posts:
RunningFromInsanity · 29/08/2023 22:10

If you shouted at him and he slapped you would that be ok?

Hiddenvoice · 29/08/2023 22:14

RunningFromInsanity · 29/08/2023 22:10

If you shouted at him and he slapped you would that be ok?

This op! This is what you need to think about. How would you feel if he hit you? How would you react and would you report it? Would you want to sort things out?

Overall the shouting was wrong and clearly things have gone too far in this negative relationship but you have made it worse.

His shouting and abusive language was wrong but it doesn’t excuse violence- instead you walk away and then end the relationship.

Tigger1895 · 29/08/2023 22:15

He seems to have been honest with you. It’s not a happy house and he’s calling time on the agro. In all honesty, what do you want others to say?

BillaBongGirl · 29/08/2023 22:16

OP,
Your 10min “laying down the law” was bad enough that another child felt the need to leave the house to her own mothers as she felt unsafe in that environment. You’ve said the he was “mute” during this time and you then had words with him about not “supporting” you which I take to mean you had wanting him to join you in “laying down the law” as in ganging up on your son. This then led to you deciding to go for a walk once he was riled up enough to be shouty and he ends up shouting at you as you walk off upset.

You come back and then he’s picked up where you both left off with the shouting, and that’s when you hit him several times.

There is no coming back from this. This is both of you being completely toxic for each other and your children. If he’s a ‘red rag’ to your ‘bull’ such that you cannot control yourself, you need to leave him before you do worse to him and perhaps even your son starts being a ‘red rag’ to your ‘bull’- which he may as your updates show worrying things like saying your DP has taught your son to “goad” you by calling you a “liar”.

You don’t want to be the kind of mum that hits. That’s not you. That’s who you are in real danger of becoming. But to turn back you do need to admit you have started down this path and consciously take steps back and sort your life out without your DP. Do not get back with him.

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 22:19

No, nothing excuses my violence and tbh I feel bad enough. I’ve tried so hard over the years to make our family work -I’ve been treated horribly by his kids, his ex and tbh him since he just yells every time I try to broach the subject of kids and normal things like helping out around the house and not constantly leaving mess, etc. There is no excuse but he goaded me, he even pushed me out of the way yesterday after yelling at me. I just couldn’t take any more tonight.

OP posts:
HelenTudorFisk · 29/08/2023 22:20

Oh, so his actions ‘made you do it’ 🤨
You are a perpetrator of domestic violence. Do not attempt to re commence this relationship and seek professional help.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 29/08/2023 22:20

This is a toxic abusive relationship on all sides. Nothing warrants physical assault and saying he did this, so I did that, doesn't excuse it.

BillaBongGirl · 29/08/2023 22:22

I get it , you’re at the end of your tether. You’ve put in everything and got nothing. He brings out the worst in you because he is not good to you at all.

You will be much happier and calmer on your own.

limeadelover · 29/08/2023 22:23

Sounds like you’re lucky he didn’t call the police on you, I certainly would have done if my husband did this to me. Let that be the end of the relationship.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/08/2023 22:24

There is no excuse but…

No, there is no excuse. You urgently need to get a handle on yourself especially as there won’t be another adult there to witness how you screech at your children.

You should feel bad, the list of inevitable excuses and justifications suggest you don’t despite what you say.

I hope he’s gone for good and you find healthier ways to handle your big feelings.

AllOfThemWitches · 29/08/2023 22:24

He sounds like a dick anyway OP, let him go.

AllOfThemWitches · 29/08/2023 22:26

And there is a difference between a woman slapping a man coz she lost her shit to a man deliberately intimidating and intending to cause harm to a woman. No matter how much you pretend otherwise.

Cowlover89 · 29/08/2023 22:27

He sounds like an arsehole. Probably for the best it's ended x

JFDIYOLO · 29/08/2023 22:27

'Now look what you made me do' - a classic domestic abuser tactic.

If a woman came on saying her husband had laid down the law in a ten minute rant then when she talked back he hit her - the chorus of LTB would be deafening.

CoteDOpale · 29/08/2023 22:30

Domestic violence, lovely.

No wonder he just said OK, he’ll be glad to be rid of you for his own safety. Hopefully he’ll give a statement to the police.

Sensoria · 29/08/2023 22:31

For goodness sake stop defending your behaviour and stop backtracking. Your OP is right there for us all to see.

Sounds like this relationship being over is the best thing for everyone.

pinksheetss · 29/08/2023 22:34

Just because you say 'but' after it doesn't excuse hitting him at all.
Your post says he said his daughter left because of your shouting, so did you shout here or not?

It doesn't sound a healthy relationship at all so best it's ended.

I do think you need to have a serious think about what you have done and why you thought it was acceptable to do so.

Gazelda · 29/08/2023 22:36

It doesn't matter what provoked you. It doesn't matter how he handled the argument. It matters that you were violent to him.

In any case, why are you on here arguing about the rights and wrongs of what's happened. Surely you should be apologising to him and then arranging the formalities of then separation?

If you want help, advice or guidance regarding how to separate in the lest acrimonious way, then ask on the relationships board where experienced posters will be able to answer your questions and listen while you plan your next steps.

lto2019 · 29/08/2023 22:39

You don't seem to have taken any responsibility for your actions. You say 'whilst I ranted for 10 minutes whilst he turned mute. ' and then deny raising your voice to your son - when the word rant suggests you did. Leaving pots in the sink is annoying but for an 18 year old it is hardly the worst thing in the world. Not sure why eating his tea in his room is a crime, newly decorated or not? It sounds high drama for what is low drama situation.

His daughter left because of your shouting and you hit your husband - it all sounds horrible.

You seem to be adding extra bits to justify why you hit him but there isn't a good enough reason. There is no excuse for your violence and it sounds like you need to work on your anger issues generally.

I would suggest looking into counselling for yourself as a start. Unequal balance in house work/ child care/ domestic duties are probably one of the most common complaints in relationships but not everyone resorts to violence.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 29/08/2023 22:41

Oh dear. Shock

Original poster
lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 22:45

BillaBongGirl · 29/08/2023 22:22

I get it , you’re at the end of your tether. You’ve put in everything and got nothing. He brings out the worst in you because he is not good to you at all.

You will be much happier and calmer on your own.

Thanks BillaBong -I’m not on here to defend my actions. I didn’t scream at anyone, least of all the kids. Everyone seems to have made this into something else. Yes I did slap him and that is so wrong. What is also wrong is abusive language, intimidation and yelling and disrespecting me in front of my kids … he did all of this. And yes, I am literally at the end of my tether 🥲

OP posts:
JoeyJeremiah · 29/08/2023 22:46

You know who's responsible for your behaviour? You. If you are ranting for ten minutes, you have a problem with emotional regulation. If you are slapping people and insisting your spouse must agree with you and back you up when he doesn't, you are being abusive.

You need to get some help with this.

Thatladdo · 29/08/2023 22:49

It would be quite the different story if he had introduced you to the back of his hand though wouldnt it?!

💩

ScottishIceCream · 29/08/2023 22:50

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 22:45

Thanks BillaBong -I’m not on here to defend my actions. I didn’t scream at anyone, least of all the kids. Everyone seems to have made this into something else. Yes I did slap him and that is so wrong. What is also wrong is abusive language, intimidation and yelling and disrespecting me in front of my kids … he did all of this. And yes, I am literally at the end of my tether 🥲

Show quote history

If he's done all these things then the best outcome is leaving him, not keeping going in a relationship where you end up slapping him.

What kind of example are you showing to your kids by staying in a relationship like this?

You don't sound like you intend to split up, unless he instigates it. Which is a shame for your kids.

justasking111 · 29/08/2023 22:52

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 22:19

No, nothing excuses my violence and tbh I feel bad enough. I’ve tried so hard over the years to make our family work -I’ve been treated horribly by his kids, his ex and tbh him since he just yells every time I try to broach the subject of kids and normal things like helping out around the house and not constantly leaving mess, etc. There is no excuse but he goaded me, he even pushed me out of the way yesterday after yelling at me. I just couldn’t take any more tonight.

It's so toxic so I'd be looking to separate your family from his. Maybe then you'll all be happier.

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