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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just slapped my OH around the face before with finishing him

210 replies

lemonbabe · 29/08/2023 21:44

…and now I’m feeling dreadful😥Very long story short … together 7 years, blended family, 2 teenagers each. Years of me trying to instil some form of normality here since he has never educated his kids in any way, shape or form. Every time there’s been a problem with the kids he goes into complete denial and if I persist he just loses it with me. We had an argument yesterday ( I had a go at my 18 year old for leaving a messy sink load of pots, eating his dinner in his newly-decorated bedroom at midnight, and (very probably) smoking in there to boot. OH said I create stress and a bad atmosphere when I have a go at the kids. I said I had to get out, meaning go for a walk to think about more pleasant things … I said to him that it would’ve been nice to have had some parental support from him whilst I ranted for 10 minutes whilst he turned mute. He the lost it completely and started yelling at me in the street as I left to go for a walk. Things got worse tonight because he refuses to talk -lost it again when I tried to mention the state of our relationship. He turned around and said ‘yeah and my daughter went to her mothers yesterday because of you shouting’. That was the red flag to the bull for me I’m afraid. I slapped his face and told him I was done with him. He said ´ok’

OP posts:
Seashellies · 30/08/2023 08:13

It's never excusable to hit someone, it's also very dangerous to escalate an already volatile situation. Thankfully for his and for your sake you acknowledge it's over, you need to make concrete plans to leave- the atmosphere sounds positively toxic for your children too. You need to leave, start prioritising your children and address why you've been happy to be treated like crap for so long and on some coping mechanisms so you don't ever physically lash out again- having the strength to walk away to cool off when you start to see the red mist is really important.

Janieforever · 30/08/2023 08:29

There is a whole lot of he made me do it going on on this thread. Op, your responses changed when you saw the responses to your initial post, moving to everything he’s done to make you abusive and violent

the whole thing is toxic. Are you leaving?it’s his house. You need to go.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 08:43

Quitelikeit · 29/08/2023 22:00

Disgusting there’s no excuse for violence I hope he dumps your sorry ass!

Lol

BackAgainstWall · 30/08/2023 08:45

Ignore the trolls, they’re very unhealthy and unhappy people giving you an online kicking. It’s very common, particularly when people are already devastated, like yourself.

Back to you, EVERYONE (including the trolls) has a breaking point and I’m absolutely not surprised you found yours.

Your ex-partner is high level toxic, and you need to get out of there with your DCs as soon as you possibly can.

Good luck you will be ok 💐

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 08:45

It sounds like you have been putting up with years of shit parenting and shit behaviour from him ...... It seems like you e got to the absolute end of your tether and beyond.

The household his "contributions" creates is clearly not an ordered, reasonable, happy one.
He's even using/trying to turn your own kids against you.

He's a mess, you've spent too long dealing with him. Was it really worth it for a relationship? It sounds like not.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 08:47

I hope you can get accommodation sorted asap.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 30/08/2023 09:02

BackAgainstWall · 30/08/2023 08:45

Ignore the trolls, they’re very unhealthy and unhappy people giving you an online kicking. It’s very common, particularly when people are already devastated, like yourself.

Back to you, EVERYONE (including the trolls) has a breaking point and I’m absolutely not surprised you found yours.

Your ex-partner is high level toxic, and you need to get out of there with your DCs as soon as you possibly can.

Good luck you will be ok 💐

It is you that must be the troll.

There is absolutely no excuse to hit your partner and the fact that you’d downplay assaulting your assaulting your partner on a forum which has many posters going through DV is vile.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

OP was the instigator in these arguments and so her DP could have reached breaking point and hit her but he didn’t. But if he did then you are saying that it’s ok if he’s at breaking point? Vile.

AllOfThemWitches · 30/08/2023 09:07

And it's just so stupid to suggest he needs to fear for his life or whatever. You know that's bullshit.

bookworm44 · 30/08/2023 09:55

AllOfThemWitches · 30/08/2023 09:07

And it's just so stupid to suggest he needs to fear for his life or whatever. You know that's bullshit.

How on earth can you say that? You have no idea what this could escalate to.

Victoriavictoryvince · 30/08/2023 10:34

bookworm44 · 30/08/2023 09:55

How on earth can you say that? You have no idea what this could escalate to.

Show quote history

You're right, she might kill him, always starts with a slap!
Poor man. Years of good behaviour, always staying mute, convincing his partner to stay mute too by shouting at her, embarrasing her in front of her and his kids, undermining her parenting, doing no parenting himself at all, in short driving her mad slowly but surely, and then after him shouting again at her in the street not even giving her time to get herself calm, he is in her face and she slaps him, SLAPS him people. He should indeed run to the police, take all the children, go to a safehouse at least.
Keeping things in perspective is always a good thing to do, yes.

Fishpieandchips · 30/08/2023 10:41

I've been in a violent relationship. It was full of goading, bullying and aggressive behaviour.
I think it's time for you to accept it's over and cut ties with him and his children.

Start over with you and your dc and when you are ready start to work on yourself with counselling and guidance.
Your children will have been affected by this so be mindful of this.
Good luck

AllOfThemWitches · 30/08/2023 10:57

bookworm44 · 30/08/2023 09:55

How on earth can you say that? You have no idea what this could escalate to.

Show quote history

It's extremely rare for a woman to kill her male partner.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 11:03

HelenTudorFisk · 29/08/2023 22:20

Oh, so his actions ‘made you do it’ 🤨
You are a perpetrator of domestic violence. Do not attempt to re commence this relationship and seek professional help.

Lol.

A woman who slaps a man once isn't a perpetrator of donestic violence.

Catch a grip.

The relationship and general set up sounds shit op, you've been in it too long. Make your plans and escape.

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 11:04

Victoriavictoryvince · 30/08/2023 10:34

You're right, she might kill him, always starts with a slap!
Poor man. Years of good behaviour, always staying mute, convincing his partner to stay mute too by shouting at her, embarrasing her in front of her and his kids, undermining her parenting, doing no parenting himself at all, in short driving her mad slowly but surely, and then after him shouting again at her in the street not even giving her time to get herself calm, he is in her face and she slaps him, SLAPS him people. He should indeed run to the police, take all the children, go to a safehouse at least.
Keeping things in perspective is always a good thing to do, yes.

Show quote history

Next he'll be one of the two men a week that end up dead at the hands of their female partners and former partners.

Oh wait ....

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 12:06

@GilbertMarkham Is a man who slaps a woman a perpetrator of DV?

Slapping someone is a violent act, it would be considered a technical assault and could be charged, although unlikely for a minor offence such as this.

I have to admit, I am so tired of violence from women to men being minimised. No wonder men don't report it. My DH was hit by his ex and even now, 10 years on, people still don't believe him because he's the man.

readbooksdrinktea · 30/08/2023 12:07

A woman who slaps a man once isn't a perpetrator of donestic violence.

How many times before it counts, then?

HelenTudorFisk · 30/08/2023 12:17

GrannyGoggins · 30/08/2023 12:06

@GilbertMarkham Is a man who slaps a woman a perpetrator of DV?

Slapping someone is a violent act, it would be considered a technical assault and could be charged, although unlikely for a minor offence such as this.

I have to admit, I am so tired of violence from women to men being minimised. No wonder men don't report it. My DH was hit by his ex and even now, 10 years on, people still don't believe him because he's the man.

Thank you.
Violence is unacceptable. Full stop.
Anyone ‘lol-ing’ at it needs to take a good hard look at themselves.

user1483387154 · 30/08/2023 12:21

Posts like this make me sick with some of the responses they get that minimise things if a woman is the one being violent.
Violence is never ok, man or woman, it is not acceptable.
Get some help

bookworm44 · 30/08/2023 12:24

user1483387154 · 30/08/2023 12:21

Posts like this make me sick with some of the responses they get that minimise things if a woman is the one being violent.
Violence is never ok, man or woman, it is not acceptable.
Get some help

Totally agree - unbelievable reactions.

Turfwars · 30/08/2023 12:25

You may be abusive. He may be abusive also. What is clear though is that it's time to leave and end this because it will never improve from this point.

There's a known tactic by abusive people to attack you verbally for hours until you snap and commit physical violence on them. I know because I was in your exact same situation with my ex. I'd had 4 hours of him screaming all kinds of names and lies at me, cornering me into a room, and blocking me when I tried to leave the apartment. Then I slapped him. He was delighted because it made me the DV perpetrator, he now had something to hold over me and boy did he tell everyone. Shortly after he himself progressed to physical violence by strangling me and that's when it ended for good. It was in counselling with WA that they explained this tactic to me because I honestly thought I was an evil person.

It was a toxic relationship and is the only time I have ever slapped a partner. Never before and never since, I have never felt the urge to lift my hand to anyone ever since. DH and I argue rarely, and it's always a relatively calm discussion. I work a job that has some very stressful moments and I'm known for keeping a cool head and sense of humour when everyone else is running around like headless chickens.

But it took me a long time to accept that I was NOT evil and a habitual abuser- because I DID slap my ex, and that IS abusive. I've made my peace with it because time has shown me that I am not normally a violent person, even if I did do a violent thing once 25 years ago.

What you did is abusive and you need to end this. What he did is also abusive and it therefore needs to end also for that reason.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 30/08/2023 12:59

GilbertMarkham · 30/08/2023 11:04

Next he'll be one of the two men a week that end up dead at the hands of their female partners and former partners.

Oh wait ....

Show quote history

Bloody hell!
Are people actually taking the piss out of a domestic violence incident?!

So him staying quiet is wrong but him shouting back is also wrong? - he literally cannot do anything right can he.

Violence always escalates.
If my DH slapped me I would 100% go to the police because I know that violence escalates and getting away with it once would lead onto further incidents.

It is obvious from the thread and previous threads that OP is the abusive one and then tries to play the victim.

Im sure he’s no angel and in every relationship there’s good and bad on both sides but this is a family in misery because of OP and now she has escalated it by being violent.

He needs to kick her out of his home and ring the police.
She needs to do the decent thing and leave for everyone’s sake.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 30/08/2023 13:04

What some thick posters are failing to understand is that every time they are minimising DV and abuse or violence in a relationship, it gives women going through the same thing completely the wrong advice.

How many women reading this are now going to minimise the slap they got from their DH this week because she was the one who upset him and she was raising her voice or not saying much, so that must mean she deserves it and pushed him to do it.

Sone posters are being very irresponsible in their posts.

Wouldyouguess · 30/08/2023 13:10

I think a lok ot people don't understand what happens when you are constantly and constantly pushed and pushed and pushed.

There was a kid in myschool viciously bullied for months. In the most vile way. One day he just could not take it and pushed one of the abusers who fell and hit hit head on the floor and ended up in hospital, and the kid who was bullied was expelled. No one helped or cared about the abuse he had been receiving for all those months.

So OP while it was not the best, your partner did push you do do that and dont let Mumnset twits convince you otherwise.

user1483387154 · 30/08/2023 13:23

Wouldyouguess · 30/08/2023 13:10

I think a lok ot people don't understand what happens when you are constantly and constantly pushed and pushed and pushed.

There was a kid in myschool viciously bullied for months. In the most vile way. One day he just could not take it and pushed one of the abusers who fell and hit hit head on the floor and ended up in hospital, and the kid who was bullied was expelled. No one helped or cared about the abuse he had been receiving for all those months.

So OP while it was not the best, your partner did push you do do that and dont let Mumnset twits convince you otherwise.

This sort of comment disgusts me, yes as a survivor of domestic violence and attenpted murder of me and my son, I have never EVER resorted to violence , yes i blocked him from physical harm but no did I never attack him

AllOfThemWitches · 30/08/2023 13:36

No one is 'lol-ing' just not pretending that this is the same as regularly being terrified, intimidated and beaten up by your physically stronger male partner.