30 days no contact after breakup

[ChampooPapi]

I broke up with my boyfriend this morning after he was very abusive yesterday, and around one of my small children. This has happened multiple times and I have ‘left him’ now at least 3 other occasions. We have only been together a year and is not any of my childrens father. There is definitely trauma bonding and I am aware that I need councilling which I am accessing through my university.

I am 36 and he was my first serious relationship after splitting up from a 12 year relationship with my childrens father.

Still very much in love with him even though he is clearly fairly unhinged, and quite immature (he’s only 26) in alot of his behaviour.

But yes, utterly obsessed, as is he with me, so must break this cycle of madness.

starting 30 days today no contact , anyone welcome to join. I have manahed 10 days at the most so 30 would hopefully help me break alot of my physical and emotional dependency on him.

Anyone please join too so we can support each other and keep our itchy trigger texting fingers busy 😵‍💫

Day 1 💪

I have done 2 months now with my stbxh and feel soooo much better. Delete his number, block him, remove him from SM and if tempted think about your children. Your kids should be enough motivation here to break a toxic cycle.

@honeyandfizz I have blocked him but haven’t deleated his number yet. I have to do this. You are so right about the toxic cycle we have been in. I have to stop any contact and get used to that new normal, even when i havnt seen him for weeks, i have always had the contact!

What might help is to understand that what you feel isn't love, but addiction. Love can let go and it doesn't hurt or wreck your life:

https://melanietoniaevans.com/blog/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/

Ignore the narcissist bit - this applies to any on-again /off again relationship - but there's usually abuse involved.

@ChristmasFluff thank you for your response and the link, will take a look this evening. Really it certainly feels like an addiction, The only way is to stop feeding it and to get some psychological help for myself. I am about to go into my third year of a nursing degree so will be qualified next year all going well, I know if he is still in my life the likelyhood of me messing that all up is high, very high.

I just deleted his number. I have done that before and then went into the apple thing where you can reinstate past phone books of course 🙄. But its another step in the right direction

Well done on deleting!!! Block his number too so he can't contact you. Make a list on your phone as well off all his bad qualities. Then when you're tempted to contact him, read them.

@xyz111 He is blocked and I have no social media so that’s something I am unstalkable on thank god. I’m going to do the list tonight then when the kids are in bed, I have never done that before so I am up for throwing everything at it this time

You are making positive steps towards peace. Well done OP

Someone tell me it’s normal that I am checking my phone to see if he’s contacted me even though he can’t and is blocked 🤦‍♀️

List made and I’m off to sleep with a podcast now, day one done and feeling determined if quite terrified of the looming days ahead. Will keep posting to keep myself accountable as I want to throw everything at this no contact thing this time.

Your children are being affected by this shit show, it’s not love - it’s toxic and abusive.

You've been with him a year and it’s like this already?

He was abusive in front of your child. If that doesn’t make you want to stay the fuck away from him nothing will. It should be easy for you to cut him off and move on after that. Stop pining over him, it’s not some amazing love story - it is damaging you and your children.

All the best to you.

Anytime you think of trying to initiate contact, text a friend or write on here instead.

Keep at it. You will look back on this in years to come and be so proud of yourself.

It's normal if you're in a cycle of abuse. It's not normal in a healthy functioning relationship. Next time you wish he was contacting you, take a second instead to think about your child that witnessed a man abusing their mother. Put yourself in your child's place and imagine how that felt. And now do what you need to do to make sure that never ever happens again.

You could contact the police if you haven't already and ask for a Claire's law disclosure. They will need to do a risk assessment and likely ask if you're considering getting back with him. You'll be likely to find out something that will help you confirm your decision

Well done for leaving. I heard that it takes on average 7 attempts for women to permanently leave an abusive partner, and the more times got go back the more dangerous the situation becomes. Rather than deleting, I changed my ex’s name to “Remember He Cheated” in my phone. That was a good reminder every time I wanted to call. May I suggest “Abusive Bastard” for yours?

Why are you pursuing relationships at all let alone bringing these people around your young children?

Focus on your kids.

Well said!

Thank you everyone for all your posts last night, I agree with all of them of course I do, and having them to re read over the coming days and weeks is going to help me get through this. I am fully done with him, I know that it is a habit I have to break as much as anything else, especially the contacting because we weren’t living together and were often only seeing each other once a week or even less the past few months. I will keep my hands busy on here, as well as focusing on the reason I walked away this last time. Hurt me, shame on him, hurt my child, shame on me. I can never expose them to him again. Theres no going back after he subjected her to seeing him verbally abusing me, and manhandling me, and in broard daylight all of this happened.

I know I am in a kind of Stockholm syndrome situation so do need to be really vigilant and accountable. Because I’ve done this before for a week, ten days, about 5 times! And cracked. So this time I need to do everything I can because you are all right, this is not love

OP my post may have came across as harsh, but it’s what I wish someone would have said to me years ago.

I was in the exact same situation, except he wasn’t abusive in front of my child. I was obsessed, he was obsessed, we would be so “in love” until we weren’t, he’d walk out on me and ignore me, I’d embarrass myself begging him to come back back and the cycle of abuse would start again. I remember feeling exactly how you’re feeling, watching my phone constantly, not sleeping, not eating…even though my children knew nothing, it affected them. I was distracted all the time, anxious, using all my energy elsewhere. Of course it impacted them and I hate myself for it.

My ex wasn’t the amazing man I’d built him up to be, convincing myself our connection was rare and he was the love of my life. He was an abuser and I was in a trauma bond.

Please do the Freedom Program, it’s £12 online but if you can get to a group even better. Read everything you can on the cycle of abuse, trauma bonds and co-dependency. Seek out a counsellor who will help you unpick all of this, and work out why you’re boundaries are so low. It is more often than not something from your childhood.

Use this time to give yourself the tools you need to never be in this situation again.

You are viewing your life as you being the main player on stage with your children as bit players in your life, your thinking is skewed.

Put your children first and foremost in your life, not your love life, you are distracted and have no peace of mind with this toyboy, they are not his children, he has no intrest in your children being brought up in the best possible envioroment for them to thrive and feel safe.

You are their mother, take that job seriously and stop acting immaturely thinking that your love life is the most important aspect of your existance.

Why are you only thinking 30 days? Do it forever.

He isn't the DCs father and it doesn't sound as though he brings any value to your or your children's lives.

@RandomForest agreed! You are spot on, and actually your message is one I will keep coming back to.

I intend to do this forever, but the 30 days thing is a way to start I have heard when leaving an abusive relationship. It is supposed to then go on to 60 days, then 90…

I have got through another day and pushing thoughts of him away everytime they come up. I’ve had a productive amd busy day today. I will do as I did today and only check my phone when it actually makes a noise, it has helped alot to disengage from the dam thing and only check it when it’s actively ringing or whatever. Thank christ I dont have social media, the only way forward is so clear now, complete cold turkey.

I need to block him from emailing me however am not entirely sure how to do that but my morning job is to google and find that out and sort that aswell. He needs to be a ghost to me and me to him. I can do this 💪

You’re doing great OP.

Make sure you come back here on the tough days. They get further apart the longer you stay no contact.

@YoSof thank you for your message, day three 💪

Add onto that list that he’s been abusive in front of your kids. That is abuse. They are now victims of abuse. If you take him back you are complicit in that.