30 days no contact after breakup

[ChampooPapi]

I broke up with my boyfriend this morning after he was very abusive yesterday, and around one of my small children. This has happened multiple times and I have ‘left him’ now at least 3 other occasions. We have only been together a year and is not any of my childrens father. There is definitely trauma bonding and I am aware that I need councilling which I am accessing through my university.

I am 36 and he was my first serious relationship after splitting up from a 12 year relationship with my childrens father.

Still very much in love with him even though he is clearly fairly unhinged, and quite immature (he’s only 26) in alot of his behaviour.

But yes, utterly obsessed, as is he with me, so must break this cycle of madness.

starting 30 days today no contact , anyone welcome to join. I have manahed 10 days at the most so 30 would hopefully help me break alot of my physical and emotional dependency on him.

Anyone please join too so we can support each other and keep our itchy trigger texting fingers busy 😵‍💫

Day 1 💪

I stupidly messaged her on Sunday asking if she wanted ti give it another go!!! She left it on unread even though as has answered previous messages that weren't related to getting back together. Have now blocked her to stop myself doing it. Just got to make sure I don't unblock now. Total muppet

@Carter12 I'm in the same boat as you.

Day 1, we can do this!

Good luck. I will certainly need it

Spoke to him again today and he said I didn't treat him as a priority or care about how he is.

I'll see how it goes but he's still being stand offish and doesn't want to meet.

What lead you all to reach out? I'm tempted but I also think whats the point? He's ignored me and ran off do I want someone who would drop me like that but claim to have loved me and wanted to marry me?! And the pain he's caused my dcs by just vanishing like that

Please, please ladies - the right one for you won’t play silly games like this, blocking and unblocking, these people will cause you nothing but pain. Take back your power, block THEM if you need to, lose their number and move on to find the space to find happiness.

See how what goes?

You have shown him that no matter what he does, you’ll come back sooner or later to beg for him back. How do you expect him to respect you if you don’t respect yourself?

It might sound harsh, but look at what you’re doing - he didn’t contact you for a month. He does not give a shit about you. You broke no contact, he was rude to you, he’s made it all your fault and you’re still hanging on to see how it goes?!

Please, for the love of Christ pick up your self esteem and get some therapy. Work on you, for you. Why do you accept being treated this way? Can you imagine his smug little smile when you text him? He knew you would!

This will be your life if you do not break the cycle and walk away. I was you three years ago and I cringe myself inside out when I think about how much shit I tolerated, how I let some god awful “man” walk all over me. You deserve better so do better.

I really missed him and didn't contact him for a month though - so he could have equally thought I didn't care.

I'm just not ready to let it go yet.

I reluctantly joined a dating app yesterday afternoon and matched a lot of men. I've agreed to meet two but it's too soon for me.

I've never been short of options. I just don't have the same connection with anyone else.

Every single woman who has been in a toxic relationship says the same thing about the connection. It’s no wonder it feels amazing when it’s good because of how utterly shit it is when it’s bad. It’s extreme highs vs extreme lows - that’s not love, it’s a trauma bond. Google it.

You shouldn’t even be thinking about dating right now, your boundaries are too low and you are at massive risk of attracting another abuser/toxic relationship. You really need to work on yourself and find out why you tolerated being treated that way and are opening yourself up to more of the same.

I know it’s hard but this isn’t love and it’s not a normal healthy relationship. Ignore it if you want, it doesn’t stop it being the truth. You will waste years on this man and it’ll end anyway.

”But I miss him, but I love him, but the connection…” isn’t reason to let a man treat you like shit.

I agree with @YoSof I need to learn more about trauma bonding and realising due to my past experience I suffer from this massively

I really wish I could shake you all and make you see how amazing you are, and then give you all a hug!

Me ex nearly killed me mentally, it’s taken a lot to get away from him and my only regret is not doing it sooner. Please, don’t be me

I really needed to read this today.

I haven't posted on here in a while but I've been following.

A trauma bond sums my situation up well, I made it almost 2 weeks NC there but he pops up again asking something almost to make sure he can still message and then it goes back to NC.

I am ready to let go despite so many issues still surfacing from the way he has treated me. Even now I still think about good times, about the man I thought he was and wanted him to be but this is absolutely correct, the good is good because the bad is absolutely dreadful. I just want my life back now. Once the ties are cut, I know there is no way I can ever go back now. That's progress from where I was at least.

How are you doing OP? Looking to go no contact and intrigued to know how you got on/how you're feeling now xxxx

It’s such a difficult process to go through. My advice would be to block on all channels - they do pop up every now and again to check they still have a hold on you, they won’t change, they just want to boost their ego.

The best thing I ever did was blocking mine. I had lost a lot of weight, had to have counselling and nearly had a breakdown because of what he put me through but I kept holding on hoping the “nice” him would come back. The “nice him” wasn’t real though. These men don’t ever change, they just don’t. They won’t ever be the man you want them to be.

The only one who can break the cycle is you, there is a nice man out there for you but you won’t find him while you’re holding on to the arseholes x

It's so hard when they continually pop up and fuck your mind all over again!!

I'm lucky I guess that he's blocked me however that hurts in itself I wasn't hounding him Infact I wasn't even replying to him when he blocked me....no response at all! Can't get him out of mind on daily occurances...I did alot for him and brought alot to his life....

Sometimes I genuinely do wonder whether we were with the same person @Littlemisslonley

I'm not sure whether he ever blocked you before but my ex used to block me to punish me on a semi regular basis

@YoSof I ended up deleting Bumble very quickly without meeting up with anyone. I blocked the ex on whatsapp a few days after my last message, though I know from past experience this tends to make him paranoid that I'm seeing someone else, then more likely to randomly show up.

Had a bad experience today. I'd had some work done on my house and gave the contractor the spare keys on Friday for an early start on Monday since I wouldn't be in. I'd asked him to post them through the letterbox when the work was completed by Tuesday lunch time, when he called from the house.

He asked if he could come to my work (I was working from home from a different address, but he doesn't know that) or meet the next day. My initial gut feeling was that he'd said that to have an excuse to meet me again. I quickly decided I was being paranoid.

I didn't respond and he put the keys through my door yesterday. Got this message today. I haven't replied, though emailed the police who gave the disclosure about my last partner.

Zero interest in this man and no idea why he thought I might say yes. He was at least 10 - 20 years older. It just made me feel unsafe, like I can't interact with any men without them being creepy.

I'm already at the stage where I barely leave my house. I work fully remotely, rarely go out (just to the local park or shops) and have only met two female friends and my family since July.

@Isolated17 I get what you mean about not feeling safe. You should be able to get work done professionally without the contractor stepping over boundaries.

You've done the right thing in ignoring his advances. If your parents can get work done by someone else that would be helpful as it closes down the opportunity for this person to find out anything more about you.
If you've paid for the work I wouldn't reply at all to the coffee suggestion, and would mute or block them so they can't ask again.

Thanks, I'd paid the the work the day before and I doubt my parents will use him.

When I mentioned it to my dad (who had seen him briefly) his first response was "He's about my age!"

I'm at the stage where I just don't want to interact with men in general.

My ex ex used to do this my ex has never blocked me before and yes I have wondered the same haha

Now this is very weird..... without being outing....does this builder go by the company name beginning with a c? And second word begging with a c and the last word begging with t? I have similar experience with floor people just seems odd

No, unless they've rebranded. It's a small company with a few people, though I only met this guy. A friend said I should report it to the company, though that's too much hassle and I've found ignoring and blocking men early on usually works.

Also have no idea how unpredictable or unstable this guy is. Hoping he just takes the hint and doesn't pursue further. If he did do anything weird, like show up at my house again, then I'd complain to the company.

Doubtful it's the same company then! However this company was a small 2 man company the ain older guys name began with a D but anything else would be outing and it was about 2 years ago but it was ever so similar!!

Bloody weird! You've paid and the work is done I'd just block!
Xx

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