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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

30 days no contact after breakup

225 replies

ChampooPapi · 12/08/2023 15:08

I broke up with my boyfriend this morning after he was very abusive yesterday, and around one of my small children. This has happened multiple times and I have ‘left him’ now at least 3 other occasions. We have only been together a year and is not any of my childrens father. There is definitely trauma bonding and I am aware that I need councilling which I am accessing through my university.

I am 36 and he was my first serious relationship after splitting up from a 12 year relationship with my childrens father.

Still very much in love with him even though he is clearly fairly unhinged, and quite immature (he’s only 26) in alot of his behaviour.

But yes, utterly obsessed, as is he with me, so must break this cycle of madness.

starting 30 days today no contact , anyone welcome to join. I have manahed 10 days at the most so 30 would hopefully help me break alot of my physical and emotional dependency on him.

Anyone please join too so we can support each other and keep our itchy trigger texting fingers busy 😵‍💫

Day 1 💪

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Littlemisslonley · 18/08/2023 19:19

Your doing amazing love honestly

123easyasabc · 18/08/2023 19:23

You are doing so well OP. I've been terrible, it's like my self respect is on the floor. In fact it's like I have none.

But I'm going to try and start again starting from right now. I'm also researching therapists so I can get to the root cause of why I can't let him go and why I let him treat me so poorly.

Hope you have a restful night, if you're tired maybe grab an early night, or watch a movie in bed with the kids with some popcorn and chocolate?

dreamersdown · 18/08/2023 19:28

You are absolutely smashing it. A whole week! Doing one more week will be way easier than the first. The week after that will be even easier. And before you know it, you’re free.

Maybe tomorrow’s job could be to purchase the freedom programme?

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FindingSerenity · 18/08/2023 20:11

ChampooPapi · 18/08/2023 18:22

@FindingSerenity thank you for your kind and thoughtful words, they mean a lot to me. I have really been through the mangle the past year, it has been horrific on a emotional and physical level. I must keep posting through the pain in my heart and the thoughts in my head. I know the longer the no contact goes on for the less I will miss him , even if I crawl through some days, I am withdrawing from him in a nutshell, and I must keep sweating him out 💪

You can do this 💪 even if at times it feels like you are crawling through the hours, post for support and keep telling yourself that it is like withdrawal as you say. You have to be kind to yourself, you must feel vulnerable and self care and care for your babies is all you need right now. This isn't always a linear process and some days will be much tougher than others so remind yourself of how well you really are doing.

I have my first appointment with a therapist tomorrow, feel like I need someone to make sense of things a little for me. I am struggling not to reach out to him tonight. Must listen to your podcast recommendation!

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Original poster
ChampooPapi · 18/08/2023 20:50

@FindingSerenity good luck tomorrow 🤗 and definitely listen to the podcast, the last one i just posted is pretty enlightening about how we view ‘romance’ and partners generally, and is a little lighter then the first and more entertaining. Serious still and fascinating, but I recommend it to absolutely stop you wanting to reach out to him 💜

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Littlemisslonley · 18/08/2023 21:20

Ohh I'm going to listen to these thank you!

Have a self care weekend everyone when the kids go to bed do something nice for you tomorrow night? Tomorrow I'm getting rid of my dd to grandad while my ds is out I'm going to shower put a nice outfit on a see my sister for tea .xx

Isolated17 · 18/08/2023 22:14

I got to 20 days no contact today (similar situation but off and on for 3 years). Had been doing ok until my period today and felt very depressed. Sent him two texts this afternoon and he either ignored both or has me blocked.

It made me feel worse and less hopefully. I do miss him, despite the abuse.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 18/08/2023 23:40

You're doing really well with keeping your resolve. I think it's normal to have the thoughts, it's been a long time that you've been prioritising him and his needs/wants so it's going to take some time to retrain your brain to not automatically go into 'must do X y z for him' etc. Another day done, and a week gone!

Original poster
ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 08:38

@123easyasabc I totally understand how you feel, we have been broken. We will heal, but we have to keep doing things to help that process. I've tried white knuckling it before and once the bruises heal and the idea of 'one more chance' starts to play on your mind, you contact. We have to keep educating ourselves and working on our mental health during this difficult time where we are so venerable, but I honestly believe we can all do this. Just keep posting!

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Original poster
ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 08:46

@dreamersdown love love LOVED reading your post this morning, the positivity is so appreciated and I will be re-reading it hundreds of times I imagine over the next few days and, hopefully, weeks. I am in bed with my laptop and going to look at the freedom program now, keep hearing about it and it is time for me to start it, I think it will be instrumental in keeping me away from him and moving on

@Littlemisslonley have a lovely day today, hell yes to the getting dressed up, it definitely boosts your self esteem and reminds you there is 'a life for you' outside of this insanity! I will not drink this weekend and tidy and read, look after the girls, and do a lot of podcast listening. The one I posted is excellent, really covers everything and anything in relationship breakups and the guests are pretty captivating.

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Littlemisslonley · 19/08/2023 08:48

ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 08:46

@dreamersdown love love LOVED reading your post this morning, the positivity is so appreciated and I will be re-reading it hundreds of times I imagine over the next few days and, hopefully, weeks. I am in bed with my laptop and going to look at the freedom program now, keep hearing about it and it is time for me to start it, I think it will be instrumental in keeping me away from him and moving on

@Littlemisslonley have a lovely day today, hell yes to the getting dressed up, it definitely boosts your self esteem and reminds you there is 'a life for you' outside of this insanity! I will not drink this weekend and tidy and read, look after the girls, and do a lot of podcast listening. The one I posted is excellent, really covers everything and anything in relationship breakups and the guests are pretty captivating.

Yes! A clean house and a good book is ultimate self care go you girl....I'm having 1 glass of wine with my meal tonight and that is all drinking is not helpful In the ups and downs of remaining no contact it blurrs your focus doesn't it ...

How are you feeling?

Original poster
ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 08:51

@Isolated17 you did so fantastically to get to 20 days, to be honest I feel getting to that point you have cracked it. Yes you had a lapse, but your going to do 40 days next time, or even more. It is a journey and considering how much you would 'normally' be in contact you have succeeded in breaking through the worst early weeks and days. I miss mine too, but I never want him back or to see him again. We have to keep reminding ourselves that 'he' actually lives in our heads, a fantasy version, a curated version by us. The real 'him' is a selfish monster.

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Original poster
ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 08:53

@Justkeepingplatesspinning this is so true! I was doing and 'sorting' so much for him all the bloody time, you hit the nail on the head there

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Original poster
ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 08:59

@Littlemisslonley I'm feeling a hundred times better then yesterday, thank you for asking. My brain felt like a hornets nest, buzzing continuously with the noise!. The house is a bomb site so this is the mission, living in the mess yesterday was also very counterproductive and made me feel even more of a failure. Today will be a tidying and sorting day, get a quick walk in for fresh air and another early night with some podcast therapy

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Littlemisslonley · 19/08/2023 09:04

ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 08:59

@Littlemisslonley I'm feeling a hundred times better then yesterday, thank you for asking. My brain felt like a hornets nest, buzzing continuously with the noise!. The house is a bomb site so this is the mission, living in the mess yesterday was also very counterproductive and made me feel even more of a failure. Today will be a tidying and sorting day, get a quick walk in for fresh air and another early night with some podcast therapy

Yes! Love that plan so much, I like keeping the house sorted and on top of things so you can focus better I get so overwhelmed when it's not. I'm doing the same this morning fixing the house up and recuperating.

My ex goes to Ireland today, where the female "friend" lives (he's from Ireland) so I'm abit meh about it because he still hasn't returned mine or the kids stuff also makes me feel cross. These men tell so many lies!

Original poster
ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 09:18

@Littlemisslonley they are utter shits, and they took a wrecking ball to our lives and still feel like the injured party. The level of selfishness and self-absorption in them is off the chart. We are well rid. WELL RID.

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Littlemisslonley · 19/08/2023 09:34

ChampooPapi · 19/08/2023 09:18

@Littlemisslonley they are utter shits, and they took a wrecking ball to our lives and still feel like the injured party. The level of selfishness and self-absorption in them is off the chart. We are well rid. WELL RID.

100% and we need to do everything we can to protect ourselves during this time of healing and processing

Isolated17 · 19/08/2023 13:18

@ChampooPapi Thank you - I hadn't realised until today that yesterday was exactly a month since the break up (late on the 18th). That and period = depressed. Same today.

Not going to lie, I messaged him again today. Not expecting a response.

Hormones are so frustrating. Up until this, I'd been feeling a lot better and had no urge to contact him. Suddenly I feel as bad as I did right after the break up.

Isolated17 · 19/08/2023 13:48

Mine responded to say "I'll speak to you when I'm ready. I'm fed up with your nonsense."

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Original poster
ChampooPapi · 20/08/2023 08:57

@Isolated17 he is a narcissist, what a dick 😡

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Littlemisslonley · 20/08/2023 13:45

I'm really struggling today....

123easyasabc · 20/08/2023 14:12

Me too @Littlemisslonley .

What have you got planned today? i've decided to just go with my feelings and i'm still in bed watching a boxset. Going to have a pamper night later with candles and a face mask. Could you do something similar? Every hour we do this we're an hour closer to our new lives.

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