30 days no contact after breakup

[ChampooPapi]

I broke up with my boyfriend this morning after he was very abusive yesterday, and around one of my small children. This has happened multiple times and I have ‘left him’ now at least 3 other occasions. We have only been together a year and is not any of my childrens father. There is definitely trauma bonding and I am aware that I need councilling which I am accessing through my university.

I am 36 and he was my first serious relationship after splitting up from a 12 year relationship with my childrens father.

Still very much in love with him even though he is clearly fairly unhinged, and quite immature (he’s only 26) in alot of his behaviour.

But yes, utterly obsessed, as is he with me, so must break this cycle of madness.

starting 30 days today no contact , anyone welcome to join. I have manahed 10 days at the most so 30 would hopefully help me break alot of my physical and emotional dependency on him.

Anyone please join too so we can support each other and keep our itchy trigger texting fingers busy 😵‍💫

Day 1 💪

I threw my exh out in 2012.. Never heard from or seen him since the night before he moved out...

@Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand wow some people can just walk away and compartmentalise can’t they? In my position that would be the absolute best outcome that he never trys to get in contact, i know if he doesnt I wont crack. I always break in the past because he contacts me proclaiming love and change and growth, yadda yadda… And it gets inside my head. This is why i’m currently blocking emails from him aswell , thankfully have not had any yet but they will come I know in a few days or so

Hang on in there OP

Have you got your children some support for what they witnessed?

I'm not in this situation now, but a long time ago I went nc after my awful abusive cheating ex and I broke up. Was the best thing I ever did. I couldn't get past him until I stopped interacting with him. Really hard though but so worth it. Don't give up!

@JenWillsiam it was my nearly three year old who witnessed his behaviour, the other children were at home with my parents who were babysitting while I met him for lunch. Everyone is safe, happy and okay, my toddler has been happy as a clam, but I can never go back I know that this was the first and and last time she or any of my children would bare witness to his behaviour

Well done for having a strategy and sticking to it, the 'love bombing ' to get you back under his control is a typical part of the script. Someone mentioned the Freedom programme earlier and I agree, it'll help you to recognise and safeguard against the signs of a controlling boyfriend..
Please also think about contacting Women's Aid. They can support you and your children, and can work with you to put a safety plan in place going forward.
Lastly, I found the rule of 6 helped. Being able to stick to your decision for 6 hours, then 6 days, then 6 weeks etc If you're finding that 30 days seems a hugely long time, that might help in the short term. You can even do 6 minutes if you need to.

He is now Blocked from all three of my emails 🙏🏼

@Justkeepingplatesspinning yes i really do need to do the freedom program. I have a re-submit due Thursday so cracking on with that assignment and then I will be off uni work untill late September so thats my next step once thats in. I have started councelling through my university aswell but i’ve only had one session so far. You definitely get the way a manipulated and controlled mind ends up being rewired, it’s not as simple as saying ‘never again’ and just shutting it all off. I have been conditioned and need to work in a way that rewires it again to ‘normal’. So the 6 minutes, six hours, six days, makes total sense to me. Yes I never want to see him again, yes I know its not love and not what i want for myself or my family, but there is a method to get there and keep it permanen, like an addiction, one day, one hour , one minute even, at a time 🙏🏼

But feeling very positive about email blocking, never have done that before!

You've got massive insight into the way your mind has been trained, and I'm glad you're getting support from uni with counselling. There might be student services support who you can chat with if you're finding it tricky to stick to your resolve, or women's aid phone line. Good luck with your resub and sending positive thoughts.
When I split with my controlling ex, I had to block him from everything. Not having social media is definitely helpful! I had to completely delete my FB account as he saw I had blocked him and bombarded my sibling with messages asking why and trying to get them to make me change my mind!

Delete all your past messages on all platforms and all your photos of him too. Act like he never existed.

When I left a really unhealthy, possessive relationship I had a book that I used to write down all the stuff i wanted to say to him. Filled pages and pages with various angry and upset rants that I wanted to send to him. They all just stayed in the book and I destroyed them a couple of years later, but it meant I could get it all out of my system and my head without needing to stick it in an email or text him.

Might not be for everyone but it really helped me to find balance, process all the madness and see his behaviour in a more rational/critical light when he did try to worm his way back in.

Okay just deleated all the photos and videos of him. Now because I had to look at them to obviously delete them I cant stop thinking about him 😵‍💫

This is all normal right?!

@Canyousewcushions i’m going to try and do something every day so this is my next mission tomorrow now , buy a small note book especially for this 🙏🏼

About to snooze with a podcast, didn’t contact and staying strong 💪

Another day down! 👏

Day four , Thinking alot about things and re-reading this thread and all the posts which really helps with logical perspective and strengthens my resolve. I can never go back this time 🙏🏼

You're doing great, you have inner strength keeping you going. Imagine all of us standing behind you and cheering you on, and confirming that you're right in your actions.

@Justkeepingplatesspinning thank you 😊

Starting to actually believe I can do this

I'll join you! I'm on day 2 and struggling, but we'll get there!

You can. Silence is a mighty weapon.

I don't comment on threads often but stay strong OP, it is tough but you're doing amazing x

@123easyasabc yes join! Desparate for a ‘no contact’ buddy here 🙏🏼😆. Not that i’d wish having to go full no contact in this way on anyone else, its a special kind of torture! But together we are stronger. How are you feeling on day three today?

@MBM18 that means a lot to me, it is clearly coming from a fellow soul who understands the mind bending nature of it all. Reading this message from you has supercharged my resolve today.

Tomorrow will be difficult as it would have been our 1 year ‘anniversary’ . Yes I am aware how sad that sounds, I was with my childrens father for 12 years so this last ‘relationship’ has not been long by any stretch of the imagination.

But the heartache trumps ten fold walking away from the childrens father. It’s insane. Absolutely bonkers.

I plan to keep INCREDIBLY busy tomorrow 🙏🏼

@BCBird 🙏🏼