Dating in your fifties... why bother?

[Ellena646]

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

FWB can be lovely. The point is that it's a friendship, so you can have all the dates and fun as well as the sex.

I don't think casual sex means no emotion or romance. It's whatever you want it to be. For me it literally just means it's not going to go towards a long term commitment. It doesn't mean it has to be meaningless emotionless fucking. I don't know anyone, male or female, who wants that.

Not saying that anyone should do anything they don't feel comfortable with. But it's not "desperate" or wrong to have sex whenever you choose. I'm in my 50s, I don't need to be shamed for happy, consensual sex!

I had a really mixed experience. There are some absolute creeps out there. I'd had 3 first dates with men after wading through the mire, and no way was going to see either of them again, was ready to give up. But I had date no 4 lined up, so decided to give up for a bit if he was a no go.
We get married next year. He's the kindest man, makes me laugh and the sex is bloody good too!!! I was very sceptical but very glad I gave it a go!

So in answer yes when I was very young. Not since being adult. If I am interested in someone then I will want to have sex with them, if that puts them off then so be it.

I do get what people say about FWB
and looking back in my FWB experiences I’ve definately let some boundaries slip
100%
however I’m in no way shape or form up for anything more serious yet

so I’m pausing 😊

@Ellena646

Ive made it clear in my profile I’m nit interested in hooks ups or FWB but it doesn’t seem to stop some of them trying lol. They give themselves away pretty quickly though and I’ve got very good at spotting the red flags.

I think phone calls can tell you a lot. I’ve had a few really good chats, others where they love the sound of their own voice and my biggest horror story is the one who starting wanking while we were talking - and it wasn’t even sex talk ffs.

I suppose from my perspective if you get on well, go on dates and great sex why wouldn’t you want more? I know I would feel like why am I doing this when I could be spending time finding someone I want to be in a committed relationship with.

And because I really need that emotional connection to have sex, I couldn’t be in the situation where it wasn’t leading to something more long term

It obviously works for you and that’s great but it really wouldn’t work for me.

I suppose from my perspective if you get on well, go on dates and great sex why wouldn’t you want more?

See if DH were to die or leave me this is exactly what I would want. Good company, good fun and good sex on my terms . Why would I want more ?

Yeah I have no interest in more. Never say never, maybe I'll meet someone I'd like to get serious with, but I'm not looking for it and I'm really happy with seeing men and enjoying the fun bits of a relationship without the stress!

FWB sounds far too “transactional” for me! Where’s the magic, the mystery, the lurve ?!

Of course “casual sex” has happened to me in the past, maybe too much - but if it carried on with no feelings or other development it soon just felt weird and a bit boring, and then usually ended fairly soon.

I am so sorry that happened to you... that is just such a violation...

That made me laugh! But sorry you lost your £. The majority of photos I find - well you’d avoid sitting next to them in the bus if you could.

I did have one fwb which worked for a time because he was pretty much in awe of me and unfortunately a bit of a waster so I never got attached. However I was always hoping/wondering why I could never meet anyone decent longer term. That's probably why I can't really do FWB anymore. It made me feel empty.

In my mid 40's and married and I dread to think how I would fair in the dating world if anything should ever happen to me and DH. I have single friends in their 40's and 50's all amazing, attractive women (far more so than me) and yet they seem to get treated like crap by men repeatedly. Even my very beautiful 43 year old SIL can only find a man who wants a casual relationship because commitment is for "younger women".

I love being in a relationship and always assumed that I would peruse similar if ever ended up single again but it just seems like its opening yourself up to so much abuse. Good men seem few and far between and the way they behave and treat women is so callous.

Absolutely. I was divorced at 47 and just thought I would take time to fully get over my break up, then start dating again. I expected to kiss a few frogs but I had no idea just how difficult meeting someone would be.

I’m outgoing, very sociable, well presented, attractive, articulate, funny and bring a million other attributes to the table. My friends husbands can’t believe I’ve been single so long - this isn’t blowing my own trumpet, it’s me being real.

And it’s not just my experience. Most of my single friends have had the same situations. Only getting interest from men who want sex or have very little to offer.

It’s absolutely not how I thought life would be at this age. Thankfully I have a great friendship group and don’t miss out of life but it’s pretty grim out there when it comes to men.

@SamW98 I think its in friendships, especially with other women is where the smart investment of your time and love is, that goes for myself as well!

I love sex, and I love being in a relationship 🤷‍♀️ I live on my own, love my job, and friends. Have very little family. Seeing friends doesn't replace sex, love and a relationship for me. Fine if it does for you, we're not all the same.

Oh very much so. My social life is better than when I was in my 20’s. I’ve had 4 holidays in 12 months plus several weekends away with friends.
I love my own space as well especially after I’ve had a busy time so I enjoy coming gone to an empty house and not having to have a conversation with anyone for several days.

Even if by some miracle I meet a decent man, I don’t want to live with anyone again. Happy to date but both with our own homes and friends.

I have to be honest and say I think it's a sweetie box for older comfortably off men - lots of atttactive and nice women of 50 plus who still want relationships of some sort whereas I think it's slim pickings for women who have an expectation of a solvent, intelligent, attractive man post 50 who will pull his weight.

I have a friend who was widowed in her late 50s- she's attractive, intelligent etc and yet has latched herself to a right mysogonistic pig of a man in his late 60s - but he's rich and she still wants that travelling round the world and a big country house lifestyle. I don't get it, she would have been fine on her own but would probably have had to downsize as wasn't working and got a lovely house but not much inheritance.

@Crikeyalmighty 100%. Definitely the “sweetie box” thing going on for some older men. If they are vaguely attractive or intelligent and nice they might as well be George aClooney; I don’t think they even have to be comfortably off either.

Women from 40s onwards have to be careful. Speaking from experience here 😓. Lowering standards eg the “misogynist pig” thing is one example. Some women get exploited sexually, financially, emotionally, or even worse things happen to them. Occasionally, I think of that lovely middle aged children’s author who was thrown in the septic tank with her dog to die. Her fiancé did it for the inheritance (though he had a million of his own unbelievably). He was obviously horrible (ugly, fat, piggish) but for whatever reason she didn’t see it. He probably murdered his first wife too for money. Sorry if that’s a bit dark.

There was a thread on here about a Moroccan romance which posters were very negative about. I was more positive, as I do believe there is sometimes a true connection. As long as the woman was clear- headed too. But I can understand it regardless. Older women, even at 40, even younger for that matter can feel completely love-starved in this country! Even living in a tent in the Sahara might sometimes feel a more alive alternative.

@JamTomorrowToo I often think about Helen too (the authoress ) such a tragedy at the hands of what probably seemed a charming intelligent man- but clearly in hindsight a complete fraud.

If I was rich and successful there's no way I would be involved with anyone who wasn't also 100% in that position off their own back - and even then I wouldn't marry

@Crikeyalmighty another thing I thought, re your friend. A lot of women like a consort. It’s an old fashioned thing but still current too. It’s not bourne of genuine companionship or love. My mother was a bit like this come to think of it. Being with a man opens doors. And for more ‘protected’ women, even originally lovingly in her family of origin, this might seem the only route. Speaking for myself, I’ve led such a difficult life, I dealt with so much on my own, I am much less affected and don’t need a “consort“. Occasionally I will admit to feeling a little envious but only when I meet a genuinely lovely older couple eg. when travelling. But mostly not… in fact I feel free and excited on my own.

Also re. that horrible man, I watched a programme and he didn’t come across as charming to me. He came across as an ugly fat pig. Obviously he was very manipulative. I wonder if Helen having had a very happy conventional marriage before being widowed was naieve, but obviously I don’t t know.

@JamTomorrowToo I think many people are naïve, I probably would be in her place given my relatively sheltered history. Also look at those romance scams cases where often even very bright women are taken in by what seems to the outside observer an obvious scam. I suppose people see what they want to see often, I think we all are guilty of this to some degree.

@JamTomorrowToo I agree- not charming to me but you only have to read a copy of Take A break to see where someone mentions they fell in love with 'handsome' 'Jim' who turned out to be an arse and they show the pic of some fat ,tattooed thug looking bloke who isn't remotely attractive- and looks an arse.I know you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover but blimey in some of these cases I would give these guys a very wide berth

I also think, in my experience, a lot of older men have been in long traditional marriages and don’t want a strong willed, feisty, independent woman who speaks her mind and wants an equal partnership.

They might say that’s what they want but I think they still see themselves as the alpha in any relationship.