Dating in your fifties... why bother?

[Ellena646]

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

@SingleMum11 if I ever find myself single again (and im61) I would feel exactly as you do. Maybe a lot of older men still feel the physical need for sex regardless of connection but a great many older (and some younger ones too) women simply don't. Some do, but many simply don't have that desparate need/urge and therefore aren't interested with sex with a bunch of Random's without an underpinning relationship /connection .

Attraction is and always has been a slow burn for me. I need the mental connection not just a physical attraction before sex even crosses my mind.

I need an emotional connection, and I don't do ONS. But I find honesty and openness is a great shortcut to finding that connection and if it's there with someone, then I'm happy to just go for it. Most men I talk to aren't interested in ONS either, and do want something more meaningful.

That’s absolutely me. After a 25 year marriage and a 2 year relationship, I’ve now been single 4 years and personally I’d rather be single forever than have meaningless sex with someone I barely know. But that’s just me - I was the same at 20.

Maybe OLD isn’t right for me as I’ve lost count of the amount of men who want to sext within a few messages and I find beyond tedious. As soon as they start, I roll my eyes and delete.

@SamW98 Yep, I've always been this way- I've never been that bothered about sex if I'm honest after the first 2 years of a relationship either- the relationship/connection though always mattered a great deal more to me, which means despite being kind, good company, intelligent, not too shabby looking, a good cook, great on business and politics and a vast knowledge of media/culture- and very very modest! I wouldn't be many older guys cup of tea-

I did it for fun, outings and sex.

I treated it very much as a pp said: just deleted anyone who said things I didn’t like, didn’t take offence if they deleted me, didn’t have any expectations.

I had stern boundaries: no “psycho exes” or young children. No one thick or humourless

served me well!

@MintTrackies I get the fun, outings aspect.

I have a friend who used it very much as a 'get a social life' kind of thing. She did say not one guy persisted past 3 weeks if she wasn't 'putting out' - but it didn't bother her as she wasn't really looking for a 'partner'

@Crikeyalmighty

I am very bothered about sex but it has to be with the right person. As I said up thread I can’t even kiss someone I’m not attracted to. I am upfront about being a slow burn with dates and there’s only been one who tried to push it.

Unlike a lot my age I’ve only had a handful of partners. I didn’t really date in my younger dates and have only had 4 relationships in my 54 years on the planet.

I have a very active social life so I’m not looking for someone to pass the time, I want that connection but starting to think it doesn’t exist.

@SamW98 I totally get your view . I think this is normal for many women and certainly many women over 45.

I’ve had men speak to me on the phone whilst OLD. One wanted to tell me about his day and his work and kids and ex partner (mother of kids) before he went off for work in the evening. It soon turned into him mostly doing the talking. Then when we met up he was critical about his previous dates he’d met in person. Like he was some sort of catch. The other didn’t work (inheritance and sorting out parents estate but had worked before Covid) and now spent a lot of time at the gym. So we spoke on the phone but I wasn’t particularly keen on his accent or his talk. Another man before Covid we spoke on the phone and I knew his voice wasn’t appealing. It wasn’t just that though, there were other issues, such as ringing me just before I was about to go in person into work…and expecting a nice chat.

The man I’m dating now, I don’t think we did chat on the phone. But he’s refreshingly normal with few hang ups.

A friend of mine who was widowed in her mid 40s, went on OLD soon after and met the man who’s now her DH. They seem to get on well though which is good. Sometimes I think at our ages you just have to take a chance and go for it.

There are an awful lot of time wasters out there though, or commitment phones, or men out of failed marriages with either younger or older children.

One man I was chatting to said he’d “spent a lot of time working on himself” which is either a red or green flag depending on your opinion.

This is why I am trying to make my long term marriage better. If I end up single, I doubt I'll meet anyone as good as my DH.

May as well be happy with the one I've got.

Hanging in there.

Great responses to this ongoing thread. I stand down on the phone calls, turns out I was wrong, it's not normal to ring people up these days... but I still would rather have a chat on the phone about where to meet for dinner, etc.. but get that a "good morning" would be odd and possibly irritating after a while. If it helps anyone navigating the apps re. sex I just put on my page that I don't want to match with "hook ups" and this tends to sort out that issue... I've had mixed expectations regarding how fast you move physically with someone, but I think as we're all grown ups the only thing that really matters is that you feel safe and stick to your boundaries. Unfortunately, my relationships from OLD have not been great; they lied and cheated, and were talking to other women still when they said there had deleted the apps.. I think it's a real challenge finding a person (man or woman) who has the same morals and boundaries...

@Crikeyalmighty @SamW98 yes I’m not against great sex! Sounds fun. But I don’t think I’ve got the time for casual sex and constant dates. It may not lead to a great relationship but if I have sex it’s got to be after at least a couple of months and be monogamous.

@beastlyslumber good points there are no guarantees at all. If it helps anyone else though my Ex was a popular date on OLD and went for loads of women. He did not like wasting time for women who did not want sex - he’d pursue for maybe up to a month but it would have to be extremely flirty. Other guys may not be such players but if they are it’s often pretty clear within a few weeks.

“What about self acceptance and self love? That is a higher love and facilitates a happy life of solitude beyond anything any relationship can provide. For both sexes. It is all abiding, unconditional and solid. Once you have it, you never worry about losing it. The other love is only attraction. With attraction eventually comes repulsion. There are conditions you must live by. Loving yourself unconditionally as part of something bigger, is a higher love.”

^ I read this book review on Amazon the other day.

Devil's advocate
Why waste all that energy and time ( some one suggested 2 months!) on someone you may not be sexually compatible with ?

If nothing ( physical) had happened after 3 dates I would be assuming that I was firmly " friend zoned". I did say not necessarily full on PIV, but some contact surely....

Have you never known anyone more than a few days before beginning a sexual relationship? I find that very odd.

I'd rather get to know someone for a while before determining whether or not I'm interested in pursuing a sexual or romantic aspect to the relationship. Unless it's a situation like a holiday or a one-night stand where I'm deliberately going into it knowing it's a time-limited fling.

Otherwise expecting an all-or-nothing approach during dating strikes me as desperate. I don't consider time exploring the potential for a relationship to be "wasted," certainly not as little as a couple of months.

I don't think its unrealistic, if it is... im happy on my own. Im not giving it up straight away. Id feel cheap

Definitely agree @LaurieStrode

id day for the dopamine hit and the sex ?
that’s what I get from it right now

I would think if there had been no kissing in three dates that there was no sexual attraction there. I wouldn't necessarily object to seeing the guy as a friend but I would definitely think he wasn't into me sexually.

Absolutely. I want to take time to get to know the person. Anyone who thinks they’re being friend zoned if they don’t have sexual contact by the 3rd date is on a totally different wavelength to me.
I’m not saying it would never happen but I certainly don’t understand there bring an expectation that it’s some sort of line in the sand.

Ive had a few dates this year and kissed one of them. I was with my ex husband about 6 weeks before we slept together and we lasted 25 years. I’ve had a 2 year relationship since and think it was about a month before we did anything other than kiss

I enjoy old fashioned dating. Talking over drinks, sharing life stories and really building communication before anything physical crosses my mind. Though once a sexual relationship starts, I’m absolutely on fire. I find the slow burn build up a real thrill and that’s sexier for me than sleeping together after a few days.

Each to their own and no judgement but I do find the insinuation that no sex by date 3 means you’ve been friend zoned - that’s alien to my thinking.

@Neurodiversitydoctor I think you can tell without having sex. You can tell from the chemistry and certainly from kiss and how they hug you. Just my experience but that’s one advantage of being older.

I think I’d just find it so confusing and tricky to have sex with anyone from OLD I liked/liked me. For me I need to focus more, without that sexual intensity which just takes over. I’m happy to wait.

Of course the idea that I could just have sex when I wanted, safely emotionally and cleanly without ‘he didn’t text’ angst is appealing. But I just don’t think that happens very often. It either satisfies a need for affection, and you lose the will to keep pursuing others, and shut down less exciting options, or it does become tricky.

@SamW98 yes men seem to panic about being friendzoned. And that they haven’t been verile or manly enough. Worried they’ve been too soft. Stereotypes but heard a few men say that.

But I think if a man is happy to have me as a friend that does prove that even though he may have given up the ‘pursue sec’ past, he’s still interested. And I’d love to have that, it would show me he’s seen beyond the sex possibilities and will still commit time to me.

Plus the early sexual activity bonds you to that person, even if the person really is not compatible.

God knows there are thousands of posts on Mumsnet from people who ignored mega red flags because they were blinded by the romantic/sexual aspects early on in their relationship. They convince themselves that unsuitable men are their soulmate because of the adrenaline rush of sex. And we all see the dismal and damaging results.

I'm not in that big of a hurry. The suspense, dating, buildup are part of the fun.

@LaurieStrode yes for me I put emotion into sex, even if it’s been casual.
I have a couple of friends who are seeing men from OLD, it’s just sex, but I don’t think they really want that. They want more respect, more love, even if it’s short term to be treated with more care. Instead they seem to think FWB is all they can expect. I think they have been devalued.

What’s so great about FWB? Esp for us older women. To be a bit devils advocate. Isn’t it just a way of selling ourselves short? Even if we wanted casual sex, couldn’t as have a lovely romantic fling instead with walks and theatre, dinners and weekends away instead?

I have had 10 sexual partners

1. I was 15, I think it was about 3 months
2. I was 16-19 honestly no idea about 4 weeks ?
3. 19-20 2nd date
4. ONS
5. FWB ( I'd known him 2 years as friends)
6. 21-22 No idea but pretty quick definately less than 2 months
7. ONS
8. ONS
9. Drunken encounter with an old friend

10. DH 1st night still going strong 26 years later.