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Original poster

Dating in your fifties... why bother?

456 replies

Ellena646 · 04/08/2023 10:20

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 01/11/2023 02:14

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 00:28

Well my one month subscription to Ourtime runs out today and I can honestly say it’s the worst £40 I’ve ever spent.
100% the most dreadful dating site as far as the quality of the men available goes.

Only recommended if you’re into extremely overweight pensioners wearing high viz who obviously had a hard paper round, give off Norman Bates vibes and won’t take a polite no for an answer.

If that’s your type - you’ll be drowning in offers. For anyone who isn’t turned on by giant fish and the not seen daylight or a shower for a decade look, I’d give it a swerve

Add me lol as I'm 51 and this has been identical to my experience Ourtime !
My subscription runs out in in a week and I won't be back

The best one I had was the amateur painter with his pet cemetery raccoons and his message

I read and liked your bio I'm hoping you're not shyo

I had one date with one really good looking guy on there who was clearly a player .

ManAboutTown · 01/11/2023 02:28

I haven't read through this whole thread but enough to get some of the themes.

I'm 50s and done some OLD over the past year. I'm certainly not a veteran or as put off by the whole things as some PPs on here. Some thoughts....

There are a lot of scammer / escort accounts and maybe the ladies find the same. f the genuine people I've chatted to and met most were extremely nice and even if it didn't work out were more on the "Good luck" side of things than being vindictive or offensive.

On the subject of early morning messaging and calls - well if someone called me between the time I wake up and leave for work - unless it was an emergency good luck in getting any response out of me. Don't mind and actually enjoy a Good Morning - have a good day and let's speak later WhatsApp.

I'm just looking for someone else in their 50s because we would have similar life experiences.

Like some PPs it's a bit of a hobby though and not something I'm obsessed about

IAmtheVampiresWife · 01/11/2023 02:49

I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning 😮

I've had experiences with BFs when I've left a voice mail saying I've had a very bad day 🤔

I think you seem very needy and maybe this is why things are disappointing to you 😬

Some more emojis for you...

capabilityfrowns · 01/11/2023 03:01

IAmtheVampiresWife · 01/11/2023 02:49

I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning 😮

I've had experiences with BFs when I've left a voice mail saying I've had a very bad day 🤔

I think you seem very needy and maybe this is why things are disappointing to you 😬

Some more emojis for you...

Yeah that's way ott

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2023 03:23

Museya15 · 04/08/2023 12:36

reading these comments OLD just sounds like mature men and women meeting up for some sex. No wonder very little comes out of it.

If I was OLD this is exactly what I'd be after. Is this not the point ?

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 07:52

SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 01:14

So it’s either get used and dumped for sex or go shooting? Ha ha it’s more depressing than I thought… 😆

Ironic emoji 😉

My Ex cheated on me with loads of other women on OLD, so it kind of puts me off…
But honestly if I ever get time off to go out and a babysitter, I might try it. But although I’d love some affection, I really think I wouldn’t have sex unless we were in love. I just think as older women we have to be quite protective - if we don’t have sex with them, then that gets rid of the cheaters, those clocking up numbers until they find the younger version, or the lazy players.

I’m the same. I can’t do casual sex. I have to have a connection to even loss someone, let alone jump into bed.

As soon as the sex talk starts before we’ve even met, that’s an instant delete for me.

I want proper flowing conversation and real dates, not a random shag.

TroysMammy · 01/11/2023 07:54

If I found myself single now I wouldn't bother.

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 08:06

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2023 03:23

If I was OLD this is exactly what I'd be after. Is this not the point ?

Show quote history

Maybe for some but there’s many of us who want more than casual sex but don’t seem to meet anyone out and about these days.

Loubelle70 · 01/11/2023 08:11

SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 01:14

So it’s either get used and dumped for sex or go shooting? Ha ha it’s more depressing than I thought… 😆

Ironic emoji 😉

My Ex cheated on me with loads of other women on OLD, so it kind of puts me off…
But honestly if I ever get time off to go out and a babysitter, I might try it. But although I’d love some affection, I really think I wouldn’t have sex unless we were in love. I just think as older women we have to be quite protective - if we don’t have sex with them, then that gets rid of the cheaters, those clocking up numbers until they find the younger version, or the lazy players.

Im older woman....i used to sleep with someone i wanted to date straight off the bat but i have to protect my dignity now, so i dont sleep with anyone unless they stick around and date me first. If that means me being on my own, im cool with that

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2023 08:16

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 08:06

Maybe for some but there’s many of us who want more than casual sex but don’t seem to meet anyone out and about these days.

Show quote history

Ok I am genuinely interested if you are not looking for a sexual relationship through OLD what are you looking for ?

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 08:20

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2023 08:16

Ok I am genuinely interested if you are not looking for a sexual relationship through OLD what are you looking for ?

Show quote history

I didn’t say I’m not looking for a sexual relationship but I want a partner and actual dating not hook ups.

BCBird · 01/11/2023 08:28

I met a wonderful man on Our time. Had a 2 year relationship. Maybe i was lucky? Not looking forward to going back to OLD in.the future though.

WhoNeedsEnemiesWithFriendsLikeThese · 01/11/2023 08:35

I don't get why some men would be on there. I saw one that was literally like a model. Looked in his 40's with a bit of salt n pepper, a manicured beard and he was ripped. He had this lovely photo of him in a bathrobe showing off his abs.

Surely this isn't real? All he'd have to do is prop up a bar for an hour looking around.

Do women fall for that? I'd be put off just for the fact that he would be better looking than me.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2023 08:35

Ok I am completely out of the loop, but when does a date become a hook up ?

What I would envisage would be something like:
Date one - coffee in a public place, maybe a walk daylight hours
Date 2: Evening maybe dinner/ cinema TBH I would expect there to be some physical contact with this one at the least a good night kiss on the lips, maybe more.
Date 3: I would have a reasonable expectation that sex would happen possibly not PIV, but what my parents would call " heavy petting" and my Dd (17) would call "bit".

Is that a relationship ?- not really
Is it a hook up ? not quite
Would I expect exclusivity- not particularly.

In our 50s we are grown-up in 2023, I think the expectation of some prolonged teenage courtship is completely unrealistic

Cluelessbutmeanswell · 01/11/2023 08:42

I don't know why people even bother with OLD, it's just a hook up site for sex.
Be happy without a relationship is the answer.
Most people in their 50s are carrying a lot of emotional baggage due to previous relationships not working out. I was widowed in my early 40s and the men l've met since are miserable, unreliable and not much fun to be around. There is way too much emphasis on relationships and personally I think being in your 50s is a good time to improve the relationships with yourself, friends and family. Stop wasting time and effort on OLD, your looking for answers in all the wrong places.

minieggsandmaltesers · 01/11/2023 09:15

I think I agree @Cluelessbutmeanswell
I miss sex and companionship but I just don't want sex and companionship with the men on offer.
Also I am so bloody busy with work and kids that I'm not sure I have the mental and physical energy to put into dating someone I am lukewarm about.
Something else would have to 'give' and the kids are my priority.
It does feel like I have to put myself last every time though.

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 09:22

It’s not an either/or situation. I’m extremely comfortable on my own. I have a great circle of friends and a very active social life. I’ve had 4 holidays this year plus several weekends away so not missing out at all. But after 4 years of being single , mostly by choice, it would be nice to have male company to add to what I already have.

As I’ve said previously, I don’t want to cohabitate ever again, I value my own space too highly, but just someone to go on dates with and spend quality time with.

I have no intentions of giving up my friends and social life and I would want someone who also does their own thing too.

LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 09:26

Neurodiversitydoctor · 01/11/2023 08:35

Ok I am completely out of the loop, but when does a date become a hook up ?

What I would envisage would be something like:
Date one - coffee in a public place, maybe a walk daylight hours
Date 2: Evening maybe dinner/ cinema TBH I would expect there to be some physical contact with this one at the least a good night kiss on the lips, maybe more.
Date 3: I would have a reasonable expectation that sex would happen possibly not PIV, but what my parents would call " heavy petting" and my Dd (17) would call "bit".

Is that a relationship ?- not really
Is it a hook up ? not quite
Would I expect exclusivity- not particularly.

In our 50s we are grown-up in 2023, I think the expectation of some prolonged teenage courtship is completely unrealistic

I'm no prude, but someone I've met three times for a few hours is little more than a stranger. My days of hopping into bed with strangers are long past, in fact the thought is quite gross.

Instant physical or emotional intimacy seems desperate, and not attractive.

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 09:31

LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 09:26

I'm no prude, but someone I've met three times for a few hours is little more than a stranger. My days of hopping into bed with strangers are long past, in fact the thought is quite gross.

Instant physical or emotional intimacy seems desperate, and not attractive.

Show quote history

Ditto. Maybe if there was real chemistry but I’d want more getting to know someone before I got naked. Certainly not an expectation of sex on the 3rd time of meeting.

And while non exclusive dating seems to be accepted these days, it’s not for me. I’d rather be single forever than be in a ‘pick me’ contest

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 09:35

WhoNeedsEnemiesWithFriendsLikeThese · 01/11/2023 08:35

I don't get why some men would be on there. I saw one that was literally like a model. Looked in his 40's with a bit of salt n pepper, a manicured beard and he was ripped. He had this lovely photo of him in a bathrobe showing off his abs.

Surely this isn't real? All he'd have to do is prop up a bar for an hour looking around.

Do women fall for that? I'd be put off just for the fact that he would be better looking than me.

Almost certainly a catfish. And yes women to fall for it sadly. Romance fraud is big business.

beastlyslumber · 01/11/2023 10:51

Really? I'll have sex with someone the first time I meet them if I like them, the attraction is there and that's the vibe. Every time I've done this, it's led to ongoing dating and/or FWB situations.

You have to do what's comfortable for you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with sex. Wanting it, having it, talking about it. It's all good.

SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 11:08

@EBearhug if you want sex and happy to go through a lot of guys that’s fine. But I just don’t have the time to waste unfortunately. I have a disabled child also and I cant’ just clock up a lot of men who are cheaters or casual.

It depends I guess what each of us want. I want to either be in another great committed relationship, or not to have to go through the turmoil of one night stands or casual sex - not because there is anything wrong with that at all. You go for it! Fair play to you. But because I don’t want to waste my time with people who don’t care about me, with all the costs that has. I don’t want to wake up at 60 and see I wasted my years still feeling and looking reasonable on a lot of men who ultimately see me as a fun time before they settle on a woman 10 years younger.

SingleMum11 · 01/11/2023 11:13

@beastlyslumber there is nothing wrong with sex! But as an older woman a lot of men are not playing fair with us - and not having sex is one way to protect myself from that and find someone who wants something more than sex. Unfortunately finding some lovely (and sexy!) man - as an older woman I think it’s stacked against us and not having sex for me is a way of redressing the nightmare of finding that lovely man who is not a cheater. They will not stick around if you don’t put out. Neither will a man who thinks ‘oh lots of fun’ but really wants to settle with someone younger, because he can to be honest.

A man who actually cares about me, in the longer term, will hang around and not be put off if I don’t have sex with him.

So it’s kind of like my sieve! Well that’s the plan anyway… after a few drinks and a sexy guy it might be harder to resist!

SamW98 · 01/11/2023 11:17

beastlyslumber · 01/11/2023 10:51

Really? I'll have sex with someone the first time I meet them if I like them, the attraction is there and that's the vibe. Every time I've done this, it's led to ongoing dating and/or FWB situations.

You have to do what's comfortable for you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with sex. Wanting it, having it, talking about it. It's all good.

Absolutely nothing wrong with what works for you. I have friends who are similar to you and are happy with ONS and FWB but that wouldn’t be right for me.

Attraction is and always has been a slow burn for me. I need the mental connection not just a physical attraction before sex even crosses my mind.

Once I find that connection, sex is right at top of my priorities but it takes time to feel that.

No one is right or wrong it’s just who we are

beastlyslumber · 01/11/2023 11:23

A man who actually cares about me, in the longer term, will hang around and not be put off if I don’t have sex with him.

I think that's fair enough as an approach, @SingleMum11! But honestly, I don't think it makes much difference. If a man is a shithead, he's quite capable of playing a long game and making it seem like he cares, all to get you into bed and then dump you afterwards. Conversely, a lovely man is more than capable of building a relationship with you and will only be encouraged by sexual intimacy early on.

I'm just saying, there's no guarantees that men are playing by the rules! So if you like and enjoy sex, I don't think there's any reason to deny yourself on the basis that it might bag you a man. It might only get you a man who thinks women shouldn't have or enjoy sex!

What I would say, though, is don't have sex if you think it's going to trigger your emotions and bond you to the man. Since menopause, I've found I don't have the same emotional attachment (probably hormone-related) and I can think of sex more as fun rather than falling in love. If you can't do that, then it's really wise to wait until you're sure your feelings are going to be reciprocated.