Dating in your fifties... why bother?

[Ellena646]

If I am brutally honest my experience of dating in my fifties has been: negging, below average sex, lazy WhatsApping (I mean who can't pick up the phone and say good morning) and what I am pretty certain is gaslighting infidelity cloaked as "it's just how the world of dating is now"... a bunch of greedy little boys with their hand stuck in the cookie jar that is OLD. Is it really worth the effort?

That would work for me; maybe a couple of nights would be better but at my age I've no real desire to deal with their family.

Ditto. A weekend relationship with talking in the week and maybe the odd midweek catch up would totally work for me.

Personally I wouldn’t want to date anyone with kids under 18 (16 at a push if everything else was right) so wouldn’t really expect any sort of family blending . Maybe the odd meal or family party but no more than that.

As I’ve said I need time to get to know someone before I can even think about anything sexual. I need to have the dating bit first

Me too. As I've also said. I need an emotional connection.

For some reason, when I say it, people hear "I just want meaningless sex" but when others say exactly the same thing, somehow it's different!

I mean, whatever. It's not a problem for me. As I've said a number of times, I've had pretty good experiences dating, I meet lovely, respectful men, and I have lovely happy relationships. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm doing it right.

But that’s not really a relationship is it ?
little more than FWB really, you want what you want but what if the bloke wants more than that?

@acpk55

what if the bloke wants more than that

Then he's not the right bloke. Compatibility = matching requirements.

It's not for you to say what is and isn't a relationship. A relationship is 2 people relating to each other. It's not your own personal idea of 2 people committing to each other in the way that you think is right, and as often as you think they should.

I was just going to respond but you’ve said everything I wanted to.

Of course it’s a relationship if both parties want the same thing. Not a FWB situation at all IMO.
As we get older, our priorities change and the idea of a full on, full time, cohabitating relationship isn’t appealing to me now. And actually I know others who feel the same way. Many people value their own space and once kids are offhand, the blended family situation isn’t a big deal.

That’s how I see it anyway - accept others may not agree but we’ve all got our own views on what’s right for us

Just to add my last partner I dated for 2.5 years and we only saw each other at weekends as I work a regular 9-5 and he was a cabbie working from midday til 10-11 at night Mon- thurs. He never met my family as our weekends were about us doing as much as possible together. I met his daughters a few times at special occasions but that’s all. They all have their own lives and families.

That works for me - but it may not work for others. And yes it was definitely a relationship

Reading through all of these posts it seems like that what defines a relationship is subjective; but what keeps a relationship healthy and gives it an opportunity to thrive is that both parties want the same thing... This would require honesty upfront maybe... I wonder if the wording in our profiles needs to be less about how we like pub lunches, gigs and festivals (or whatever) and more about what we really want from someone so there is no grey area: e.g. "no hook ups or FWB matches". or "I am only looking for a FWB max two nights a week"... or "I want a relationship that has longevity and is not just about sex although I do enjoy sex"... I don't know, paraphrasing. Has anyone seen the Burned Haystack Dating Method on Facebook? it looks at how to find a better match for your needs?

@Ellena646 I personally don't see anything wrong with being upfront-

I’m always upfront and I ask pretty much straight off what they’re looking for - saves both wasting time if we’re looking for different things.

Curtainswithpompoms: Yes, you still get the giddy feeling if it's with someone who is a great match for you, that's not reserved just for our twenties... Also, my kids are early twenties and they (and their friends) have shared their dating app stories with me, and it's hard out there for all age groups not just in your fifties. NB: Being stuck in an unhappy marriage was "massively unappealing" for me: we all make our choices... I wouldn't swap one day of OLD madness for that miserable union...

I feel like setting up a site called 'gentleman companions'. It's an old school expression but I think it's what quite a few would like, someone presentable and personable who cares about you - for dates, holidays and a plus 1 when needed, maybe sex too as and when-.. A bloke 'in your life' - but on your terms and not taking over your life.

There's nothing wrong with being upfront, but it does assume you know what you want. Not all of us do.

I'd love that!

That is fair enough, but I wonder if it's best not to go on OLD if we don't know what we want... I see a lot of what happens in the first few chats as being a bit like a job interview in that we're sussing out who/what/why, and I wouldn't go for a job unless I'd nailed if I wanted to be part-time, full-time or freelance?

I've had a lot of fun finding out a clearer idea of what I want. I don't think I'd have got there without meeting a lot of people.

Ellena646

this assumes that men know what they want !
most men ive met seem to be lonely , horny and emotionally baggage heavy

they don’t know anymore than we do I think !

@LaurieStrode I did think about it a while ago because there must be men who want this too. I know a lady in her 70s who was the happiest older person I knew and she put it down to having several gentleman companions. One was very good at DIY and liked nice meals. Another liked going dancing and had a car and another really just wanted good company for holidays and days out . This all suited her very well and she was good company and still very active and mobile.

I disagree. I think by chatting to and meeting people that you wouldn’t have crossed paths with unless on OLD it gives more of an insight about what we do and don’t want from a new relationship.

I think there’s a few that want a full on relationship and others looking for casual but there’s a whole lot of us inbetween the two who are figuring it out as we go along.

Im 💯 honest with saying to potential dates that I’m not absolutely sure what I do want but I know exactly what I don’t want. As long as there’s common ground and expectations are set, I think it’s a starting point.

I agree, I think a lot of people are working out what they want, but I think if you do know what you what it's easier to put that upfront. I say this because a lot of girlfriends have had men who tick "relationship" but clearly just want a shag... but I guess maybe that could work in the reverse, that someone says they want just sex and then enjoy being with someone so much that it becomes something else...

I quite like this idea and would consider joining😀

A woman in my life but on my terms and not taking over my life has appeal

@ManAboutTown ha- as I said previously I do think there are men too who would like a woman /few women in their life or for particular times- but not a full on live in relationship as such
FWB always to me sounds like 'being used' somewhat.

I was being a bit facetious in my last sentence but I actually find it an appealing thought. Since becoming single I've been able to do a lot more things with friends or even by myself but would prefer a night at the theatre or a good restaurant meal or visit to an art exhibition with female company

This!!!! I don’t know what I want!