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Original poster

He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

215 replies

chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 07:51

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 16/07/2023 07:53

Game over, he won’t stay drink free.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 16/07/2023 07:54

He won’t be able to keep it up. Don’t put your daughter through this.

Wolfiefan · 16/07/2023 07:56

You should never have let a drunk move in. Tell him to move out.

BertieBotts · 16/07/2023 07:56

It's great that he's decided to stop drinking. That's hugely positive for your DD and their relationship going forward.

It doesn't undo all the hurt and issues. Seven weeks is a VERY short time. I would be extremely cautious and not rush to get back into the relationship.

SaturdayGiraffe · 16/07/2023 07:56

Your children deserve to see their parent drawing a line and sticking to it to keep them from further harm.
They should be your priority over him.

Astromelia · 16/07/2023 07:56

I think the sensible thing would be to end it. As PP says, he probably won’t stay off the drink. He may have good qualities but he’s also made you miserable for almost a decade - the logical thing is to separate from that as there’s every chance he will keep at it.

I’n sorry OP, it’s sad.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/07/2023 07:57

Ewww. He can fuck right off.

Years of hell and now he's the one crying?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/07/2023 07:58

You fell for a drunkard and his primary relationship is with drink and not you. It’s never been with you either. You’ve been in a codependent relationship with him these past few years.

It’s game over. he’s been well and truly found out now and tears can also be manipulative. Do not fall for it from him.

FromNowOn23 · 16/07/2023 07:59

Even if he has stopped drinking, get rid of him and lead a quiet life without the fear of him starting again.

beefwithmyteeth · 16/07/2023 07:59

Another perspective - don't let him kid you that it's another chance or ending it all, you can tell him to move out and still see how the relationship goes with a bit of space. If he's really genuine he can work on himself and be friends with you while you see if he's serious. And I mean for at least a year bare minimum, not a couple of nights in a hotel while he begs to come back. If he can't be bothered to do that then you've got your answer.

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 08:00

Your poor children
why the heck have they had to endure this for the last 7 years whilst their mother has stood by hoping for a change

redfacebigdisgrace · 16/07/2023 08:01

So your daughter is 15 if she’s doing her Nat5s? So she’s been impacted by your partner’s drinking since she was 7. Time to put her first.

Moonshine5 · 16/07/2023 08:01

If you leave him now you may be able to repair your relationship with your daughter

Squiblet · 16/07/2023 08:02

We can't tell the future, it's no use asking us. Some people do quit and stay quit. Many don't.

You might consider making it clear to him that if he wants to stay with you, he has to put in the work towards healing whatever pain or weakness made him turn to drink in the first place. Attending support groups. Reading books on the subject. LOTS of therapy. Genuinely doing the hard work to change his needs, not just change his behaviour.

romdowa · 16/07/2023 08:02

Why did you put your children through this for so long?

Original poster
chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 08:03

thank you. my olive branch suggestion has been as @beefwithmyteeth says, there's a chabcd of a relationship with him out of the house... perhaps. I've been his pub, a convenience, I really don't want my home to be his rehab centre too.

OP posts:
FOJN · 16/07/2023 08:04

Kick him out. He has to want to be sober for himself. If he's only stopped drinking prevent you ending the relationship it won't last.

Do not be the fool who lets hope triumph over experience.

If he's serious about sobriety he will stay sober but my guess is that if you ask him to leave he will go back to drinking and then blame you. Which would confirm, for me, that he was never serious about staying sober. You are not responsible for his drinking and never will be.

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 08:04

which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children.

appalling. He has no responsibility for your children. You did. And you allowed this in their home

Piccolow · 16/07/2023 08:06

It's sad women put alcoholic men before their children, please start putting your children first, I grew up with an alcoholic father and I resent my mum as well as him.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/07/2023 08:07

It won’t last. He’s doing it as a last ditch attempt.

Focus on how much it’s ruined your children’s lives. I’m assuming he’s not their father based on your post, so it’s finally time to save them from him.

Original poster
chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 08:08

And yes, I have to put my children first. I know that. That's the line I'm holding. I can't betray them any more.

It's not relevant now, but I didn't know he drank when he moved in. It's like, once he got comfortable here, he opened that particular floodgate.

I am glad of how clear your answers are. I don't want to shift from my "you need to go" stance, and haven't shifted at all in conversations with him. I guess, I just feel a bit heartbroken about it all.

OP posts:
Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 08:11

* I just feel a bit heartbroken about it all.*

FFS

I feel heartbroken for your children for the shit show they have endured for most of the childhood

redfacebigdisgrace · 16/07/2023 08:13

Why do you feel heartbroken about this relationship ending but not about your poor kids? You seem very self absorbed.

GiddyGladys · 16/07/2023 08:14

Has he gone to AA or just stopped? If he's just stopped I would kick him out.

Piccolow · 16/07/2023 08:15

redfacebigdisgrace · 16/07/2023 08:13

Why do you feel heartbroken about this relationship ending but not about your poor kids? You seem very self absorbed.

Sadly this is often the case. I moved to the other side of the world as soon as I could to escape my dad and my enabling mother. It's even sadder that a step parent has been inflicted on them.

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