Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

215 replies

chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 07:51

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 08:20

I am not heartbroken about the relationship ending. I am appalled and ashamed and distraught at how awful everything has been. My children are my absolute first priority, not any feelings I may or may not have for him. My relationship with them is a million times more important.

OP posts:
Jigslaw · 16/07/2023 08:23

I'm glad you finally realise the impact this had had on your children and are actually making moves to get him out of their home and out of their lives. If you're tempted to not follow through or to have him back please focus on them and the fact that they don't deserve to be forced to live with an alcoholic step parent.

Herewego81 · 16/07/2023 08:24

chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 08:20

I am not heartbroken about the relationship ending. I am appalled and ashamed and distraught at how awful everything has been. My children are my absolute first priority, not any feelings I may or may not have for him. My relationship with them is a million times more important.

Nah you meant you were heartbroken about the relationship and you know it

especially given my olive branch suggestion has been as @beefwithmyteeth says, there's a chabcd of a relationship with him out of the house... perhaps

You wont kick him. This will carry on. Needless to say you won’t update on a six months to say he’s moved out and your children finally have a pleasant home

Patchworksack · 16/07/2023 08:25

I’m not clear whether you gave him an ultimatum ‘stop drinking or I’ll kick you out’ or you told him it was definitely over and he needed to leave as soon as exams were over? If it’s the former I would let him stay but be clear you won’t tolerate any lapses. Is he going to AA?

CliffsofMohair · 16/07/2023 08:27

SaturdayGiraffe · 16/07/2023 07:56

Your children deserve to see their parent drawing a line and sticking to it to keep them from further harm.
They should be your priority over him.

God yes this.Surely the question is not ‘do I give him a chance’ but ‘how can I model son semblance of boundaries for my teenage DD’

Original poster
chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 08:30

I'm heartbroken for the whole mess. I've made it clear to him there is no possibility at all of any kind of relationship with me with him staying in the house. My point about him leaving and the "olive branch" was to make it clear to him that any interaction between us couldn't be on his terms ... i.e. living here ... anymore.

I want something different, better for my home with my children.

OP posts:
Plonkydonkey · 16/07/2023 08:32

80+ units a week and he didn't go through the DTs? Ie detox? Sounds suss. You sure he's quit? Detox is brutal. Sweating, confusion, shaking among other things.

If he had you would have mentioned it. Has he been undergoing detox treatment.

I feel for you. Much love to you and your family

SaturdayGiraffe · 16/07/2023 08:35

Be prepared for him to give up faking change as soon as he’s out and to blame you forever.

Personally, I don’t believe the “we can still be friends” type of thing works as it allows him to continue manipulating your emotions.

Please read up or talk to other people who have been through the same.

Original poster
chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 08:37

And I 100% agree about the drawing and holding of boundaries modelling. For my children and for myself.

I had a private moment of wavering, of fear I was throwing babies out with bathwater.

It's pretty clear that I can put the wavering to one side and press on with removing him and rebuilding life with my children.

He will go. He has till the end of July. That date isn't changing.

OP posts:
Thirty5 · 16/07/2023 08:38

I would personally be worried on 70+ units a week that he has gone cold turkey. I would suspect he is lying.

He needs to go, if he sorts himself out, maybe reconnect in 12 months time but please don’t underestimate the trauma of living with an alcoholic on children.

I would look at getting family therapy, it will give you the tools to set your own boundaries and it will help your children too!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/07/2023 08:40

Well done op

I was going to suggest you tell him to leave and if he's still sober in 12 months time and you both want it there will be the opportunity of talking.

But for now you need to put yourself and your dc first. Even with him being sober it's all about him and how he's sorry and he's remorseful and he's this and that, again it's all about him!

DiscoDeborah · 16/07/2023 08:46

Good decision @chanceornochance. It's great that he's stopped drinking but it's so early in his sobriety. I would not only want to see sustained change (minimum a year) but also some work done around why he was drinking and what made him dependent on alcohol.

Even if he stays off the booze, that doesn't address what's behind it. If there's a mental health issue or childhood trauma or whatever it is, that's still there.

Honestly though, I think you need to end it completely and walk away. I've worked with addicts and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with one because it's really hard, sober or not.

N0ëlle · 16/07/2023 08:49

Hey, @chanceornochance what you said about not wanting to be his rehab centre after being his pub really struck a chord with me. I feel for you.
I think you can have the realisation that even on his best behaviour, it's still just too stressful. Even at his ''best'' there's still the fear of him going back to his old ways.

You have the right to not want that any more.

I recommend watching Heidi Priebe video about boundaries. It's one of the best videos on the subject of boundaries that I've ever watched (I'm a single parent, I tried to date, always struggled with holding my own boundaries in practice, although they were clear in my head Confused

Check out Heidi Priebe, the edge of your authenticity on youtube
You don't have to share what's right for you, your exact thought processes, but basically it sounds like after all you've been through, the stress of keeping him sober, hoping he stays sober, it turns out he's not worth it

You have the right to put yourself and your children first.

Backstreets · 16/07/2023 08:49

Congratulations on booting this drunk.

tribpot · 16/07/2023 08:49

Even if he is sober for the rest of his life, nothing can make up for what your children have been through in the last 7 years. They deserve to know that their home is safe forever.

LemonTT · 16/07/2023 08:54

You need to demonstrate to your children that you put them first. The past 8 years happened and they will always remember that. It’s going to affect their view of you for the rest of their lives.

The test for you is whether you can show them you are changing. That means him moving out and you breaking all contract. That will be a start to you showing your children that you are thinking of them.

Your intent to continue the relationship outside the home is like the dry alcoholics who convinces themselves they are now in control and can moderate. Its bollocks. Your addiction is to him.

FusionChefGeoff · 16/07/2023 08:57

Is he actually doing anything different ie going to AA / counselling / some other kind of support programme?

Otherwise, he'll likely end up drinking again as the root cause remains.

Get rid (and I'm in recovery so often sympathetic to the alcoholic)

Original poster
chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 09:15

Thank you again. He just came to talk to me. Having read your thoughts and perspectives was massively helpful for me. I held my line. He's always tried to minimise the impact on the children. I was able to be very clear that their wellbeing and right to be safe in their home is the priority here. Not him. Not some absurd notion of "us".

@LemonTT you are right. The test for me is to show my children that they come first.

@N0ëlle I will look up about the boundaries, thank you.

I know the relationship with my children will always be impacted by this. I want them to know that he is gone, he isn't coming back and that their mother's headspace isn't preoccupied a moment longer with trying to resolve his issues. I am here for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 09:21

Some of you asked about whether he's sought any help etc. No, as far as I'm aware. He just stopped. He drinks a lot of alcohol-free beer, presumably for the comfort of opening a can or whatever. And there have been times when he's physically been suffering. But, irrelevant. I think he needs therapy (abusive father, clusters of suicides in his family), but that's up to him.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 16/07/2023 09:22

I really don't want my home to be his rehab centre too.

This is really key and strong, hold onto it.

Baggage Reclaim has been the best thing ever for me in helping me re-write my stories of what relationships are and should be.

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

List of Posts

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 Baggage Reclaim has almost 1700 posts about breakups, boundaries, dating, emotional unavailability, happiness and self-esteem, healthier relationships, patterns and habits, living the low BS Diet life, and values and compatibility. Th...

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts

BertieBotts · 16/07/2023 09:25

He absolutely needs therapy and it's also quite physically dangerous to stop alcohol cold turkey, I think? It should be done under medical supervision.

But as you say, you can't make him. It has to come from him.

BertieBotts · 16/07/2023 09:26

It could be that he says he has stopped, but is still secretly drinking.

Alanon might be useful for you to contact, and Alateen for your DD.

BertieBotts · 16/07/2023 09:28

Ooh I used to LOVE Heidi Priebe, I haven't seen her new stuff, will go check that out immediately!

Stratocumulus · 16/07/2023 09:29

chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 08:03

thank you. my olive branch suggestion has been as @beefwithmyteeth says, there's a chabcd of a relationship with him out of the house... perhaps. I've been his pub, a convenience, I really don't want my home to be his rehab centre too.

THIS!
You have articulated it very well.
Don’t be his rehab centre too.

Put your child/children first now. They are approaching some heavily hormonal years. You’ll need all your strength and understanding to cope with that without the side show of an ex drunk.

Doggymummar · 16/07/2023 09:32

A good friend of mine kicked the booze for 12 years, long enough to get married and have two kids. He started again earlier this year and his wife kicked him out immediately, you have to put the kids first.