He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

[chanceornochance]

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

Oh Do fuck off yourself!

Sorry I am not automatically jumping to LTB this time.

Get him out now and change every lock, password and secret place.

The one I'm quoting attempted to gain entry whilst I was out more than once.

He hasn't organised himself a permanent place to live, sofa surfing is a mere sojourn.
I think this speaks volumes!

Is it possible that your love for your father or, years of growing up making excuses for him, has eroded your boundaries to the extent to which just because someone is trying to change, you think you owe them another chance, irregardless of what they have put you through?

Also, I don't want to leap to conclusions but you say 'no one (alchoholics) I know has lasted that long'. Do you have a pattern of meeting and keeping alcoholics in your life? Perhaps because it wad your norm to be around it as a child?

Hey op, if its any consolation, im in exactly the same position as you- drinks around the same except hasn’t even stopped drinking since ive told him its the end, even though he will be leaving in the next couple of days hopefully 🤞 complete denial and its me who is in the wrong apparently !! Stay strong 💪

Good luck @Mama678 I wish you all the very best, truly. Mine never stopped like this before, and I'm sure part of the carrying on drinking previously when I was trying to get him to leave was so he didn't have to be accountable or take responsibility for himself, so he could get angry with seeming impunity. My experience has been that it's impossible to have a rational conversation with a drunk, that their decision-making processes are skewy in the extreme and that they are only capable of thinking of themselves. I say this because I realised how tightly they'll hold onto that denial so they don't have to make any changes. I hope you can stay strong and see him out the door whatever manipulative nonsense he throws your way. It's so painful and difficult, but keep your resolve 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

It took my friends husband neo g asked for a divorce befire he stopped drinking. They have now been divorced over 10years he has remained sober. They are back together and he's kept to it.

Sometimes they do change but do it with your eyes wide open

Give him a fair chance

WTF?!?!

The fact that you don’t know people who have managed to give up drinking for seven weeks is irrelevant. The Op does not owe this guy a relationship. She does not owe him any chance at all. He’s had eight years worth of chances.

I can’t believe anyone on this forum is encouraging the OP to put the needs of an alcoholic man above her kids.

I know things are different for everyone, but this is not about me and him at all anymore. That is what this thread, and everyone's insights, have shown so resoundingly clearly. It's about protecting my children and putting their needs, their rights and their futures first. And that is what I am a 100% committed to doing.

I was wavering, yes, because there's a lot going on here for me, obviously. But no more risks will be taken that could hurt my children.

OP - in addition to kicking him out I actually think you need to sit down and speak to your children about this, take responsibility for what they’ve had to put up with for all these tears. Acknowledge it. Apologise. There will be repercussions in terms of what they’ve experienced. You need to prepare yourself for that and make sure you put them first and foremost.

Years not tears

@redfacebigdisgrace I agree and plan to do this, once he has gone and they are back from their holidays, both individually and together. I need to acknowledge what has happened and listen, for as long and as often as it takes, to how it has been for them and to hear how they feel.

Thank you for raising this, it's so important and I'm aware of it. It won't be easy, but is more vital than anything.

If your STBXP is not attending AA meetings every day or engaging with some other alcohol support service every day at this incredibly early stage in his sobriety then IME he stands no chance whatsoever of staying sober long term. If he is doing those things he stands a chance.
But many alcoholics go on to drink again even after considerable periods of sobriety - there is no cure for alcoholism, but there is a treatment. I found it in the 12 Steps of AA, but I have to engage with the treatment, every day, even after several thousand days without a drink.
You cannot help your STBXP find the motivation to engage with recovery: it has to come from him, for him. He certainly has to leave your house and pursue recovery for himself not for you or anyone else.
Many people suggest a year’s minimum sobriety before attempting either a new or rekindled romantic relationship. It was suggested to me that 5 years counts as early sobriety for this purpose. Seven weeks is absolutely nothing.
Good luck with whatever the future brings for you and your children.

I wonder why your exH hasn’t stepped in and had your DCs living with him? I couldn’t imagine any responsible parent allowing their children to live with some drunk their mother’s moved in.

@Zippedydodah I take your point, please don't think I'm not aware of this. At this stage I have to look to the here and now, and to my children's future. I know I'm fortunate (not that that's really the right word) not to have lost them entirely.

It is desperately sad for them, yes. My priority is to take care of them and to acknowledge everything that has happened for them, which I do take responsibility for.

Ohhh
vicious, kick her where it hurts why dont you !

You need him to go immediately, it's two weeks away and he'll use all of that time to try and manipulate you.

@greyhairnomore I can't make him go immediately. He has organised a room at his mates, will pack his stuff next weekend, be gone by end July. I believe it will happen. He knows what he's done and that this is a consequence. Something has changed in him. And in me.

It's not particularly the point, but he does seem genuinely horrified by how he's behaved and doesn't seem to have the weird, vindictive, bullying strategies in place that he's used against me before. He's not drunk, and for the first time in years, we've had rational conversations, and he's listened to how it's been for me, and for the children. I'm saying this because it makes me sure that he'll leave. He hasn't really heard what I've said before, but he does now.

sounds like you've done him a favour @chanceornochance , good on you!
I hope this has nudged him onto a better pathway, even so I'd say be cautious

A week later and it's been fairly awful. He's not drinking still, a positive. He spent days crying, begging for another chance but yesterday reverted to his more usual indifferent with a side of contempt approach towards me.

Most of his stuff is packed, I'm trying not to lose my rag at his selective leaving behind and claiming of things. And know that when he's gone I'll need to clean the house from top to bottom. He's messy and careless, but I keep telling myself soon I'll never have to clear up after him again.

He's going. I've told my children. My dd1 said "amazing". Dd2 said, "mum, you're so pretty, now you can date someone nice". And I said much more to them.

This time next week. That's all it is. Im the meantime, every day I manage to hold it together is a win. Thank you again for helping to make sure I stood my ground. It's traumatic but more necessary than anything I've ever done.

Good. Keep going. X

You've got this, not much longer now. Just think what a sense of peace is going to descend on you all once he's gone.

Hold your nerve and your knowledge that this relationship is no good for you or your children.

He is distracting and destructive and we are blessed and privileged to guide our children through their childhoods for a very short time and this man distracts your focus onto negativity and frankly wastes this precious period of time.

I didn't have someone like this in my life and I look back now from the vantage point of kids in their 20's and wish I could do it all again but better. This does not serve them. They are what matters. You can waste your time and energy on someone like him and his issues when your children have grown if you choose. Refocus on positivity and enjoying each special day.

Oh and it'd be a good idea to get the children some support around the hidden harm of being exposed to alcohol misuse so they have a space to learn and discuss with a someone trained in this area and make sense of their experiences.

I'm sure there will be a voluntary sector agency who provides this valuable service in your area. It's usually a few sessions.