He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

[chanceornochance]

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

Absolutely not. Anyone can make a promise - it doesn't mean he'll stick to it. The thing is that he will relapse just as soon as you've relaxed. In any case, he's a horrible person and you and the children deserve some peace.

Because I feel so sorry for the kids involved

While he is sober - and this may turn out to be a brief period of sobriety - I would suggest you tell him to start packing and that he needs to move out this week, rather than giving him a deadline. The deadline will come and go, and he will use the time in between to try to convince you to change his mind.

Alcoholics ruin lives. It's not a case of "if", it's "when".

My money's on absolutely shit faced on the official cut off date. So she can't get him to wake up, much less move out.

I think if you'd made up your mind to leave, the chances are he picked up on some change in your behaviour- maybe being a little more distant, less concerned and less trying to get through to him or encourage him to seek help. My feeling is this unnerved him and he could read the writing on the wall, hence the sudden change of heart. Anyway, don't stay, or feel bad about leaving. I know it must be very hard and obviously you probably realise you should never have stayed so long, but what's done is done and you now need to move forward. The chances of him staying off the booze, or addressing the underlying issues, are slim to none. Please don't put yourself and your children through it anymore, or let him manipulate you with the threat that leaving gives him no reason to stay on the wagon. It's up to him to sort himself out for himself.

Been there. He won't change. Leave now.

Well done for seeing the light and kicking him out.

You're right, you and your daughters come first.

Don't get sucked back in. Don't trust this change - if he's not connected to AA or doing counseling then it's probably just BS to keep a roof over his head. He didn't decide to quit for himself- he's done it to get what he wants from you, and once hes got it, he'll go back to doing what he likes.

They say an alcoholic has to hit rock bottom to have a chance or a reason to change.

He doesn't have that as he still has a roof over his head and a relationship with you, albeit rocky.

Alcoholics are very good at manipulation and turning on the charm when they have to. Good at lying too. He s telling you what he knows you want to hear.

Imagine a home where its peaceful, where you are not on edge , where you don't dread the sound of a can opening or the twist of a bottle, where you don't dread coming home, don't worry about money that's wasted on drink, never have to deal with the fallout of a drunken rampage, never have to clean vomit before the kids see.

That's life on your own without him. I got rid of mine nearly 30 years ago when my kids were little. He promised to change.

As far as I know he s still the same and God knows how he s still alive.
He s married some poor woman too.

OP started the tread vacillating between sticking to her plan to end the relationship and giving him another chance. I think thread is quite unanimous she should kick him out and there has been plenty of support.

I interpret Here's responses as goading the OP into prioritising her children. OP acknowledges this man has wrought havoc in her household, to the detriment of herself and her children, for 8 years and she is still hand wringing over giving him a 300th chance on the basis of 7 weeks good behaviour.

Adults have choices, children have choices made for them by adults, Here is advocating for the children.

Thank you @FOJN

@Herewego81 I do too but if you on

@Mercy1968 thank you for the real-life vision of how much better things can be.this is what I'm holding onto.

I do feel manipulated, played for a fool. And yes, still everything is about him. He knows he has monumentally fucked up ... but as someone said, he only actually cares about the fuckup now that it impacts on him. When it was me and the DDs, it didn't matter to him.

He will go. Daughters are away with their dad that week at end of July. I have friends who, if necessary, will come and be in the house with me for support / to shame him into finally leaving.

I started this thread because I was worried I wasn't thinking straight. It's hard to keep going back to friends for a resilience boost, and people (thankfully) don't necessarily quite "get" the reality of the situation. Lots of you here do get it, and are very generously, powerfully articulate in offering perspectives on what's playing out here.

Believe me, I am incredibly grateful for that. The mess is of my own making and I'm doing my damnedest to bring it to an end and restore my daughters' childhoods to them.

@Herewego81 sorry sausage fingers.

I care too but if you know anything about supporting and motivating people you will know that this goading and attacking response has the opposite effect.

I'm sure it comes from a good place but with post after post it starts to look like bullying.

I speak as the daughter of an alcoholic man. 7 weeks sober is pretty darn good, and shows he has made a lot of effort and willpower. I would give him a go. 7 weeks shows commitment. I would not end it now he has stopped drinking.

he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago

Then don't let him go.

@chanceornochance That's good you have a solid plan and friends around for back up. When he goes get any keys back and change the locks.

I think you will get stronger and stronger when you reclaim your life and create a better life for you and dds.

I moved away and left no forwarding address. Too many memories in that house. Luckily before the days of social media.

As others have said, can't believe you let a pisshead move in to your home. Wow.

his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time
The thing that is motivating him to stay sober is the fear that if he doesn't he will be out on his ear, I am seeing two possible outcomes
1-he stays sober
2- as the feeling of fear subsides it will no longer outweigh the impulse to consume alcohol and he will be back on it.

Once he got comfortable, the floodgates opened and he cared more about the drink than anything else.

Now, he realised he was about to get kicked out so he had turned back into the original
man you met. What do you think will happen once the danger of him being kicked out has passed, once he feels he has got you settled again and he feels comfortable again? Really, what do you think will happen? He will start drinking again but you’ll have been sucked back in and will have to gee yourself up to kick him out again… it’ll be more years before you get yourself ready for that again. And he knows it.

If you don’t kick him out right now and end it, you’ll be back on here in a years time talking about his drinking and how you don’t know what to do etc etc.

He goes today. My mother moved in her alcoholic boyfriend and it caused untold damage to me and my siblings including mental health problems, addictions and eventually going NC with her. Please, I'm begging you - put your children first and start to undo the damage.

Oh, and he hasn't stopped - he's just got better at hiding it.

@Readyplayerthr33 you are right. I know this. Something in him meant that once he got what he wanted... me, and a nice home to live in ... he felt he could crack on with his drinking. That's what I keep coming back to. My children's home became his pub and he didn't care.

I didn't know about his drinking when he moved in. He used to drive me about a lot when we were dating, he wasn't drunk then. I never saw him like that until he moved in.

I know I made a terrible mistake and am ashamed and appalled by it. I'm not about to make another one.

I'm sorry not to reply to everyone individually. I'm reading and rereading all your replies; they are hugely helpful.

You didn't know he was a drunk when he moved in so don't beat yourself up about that OP.

Or let other posters here beat you up about that!

@TheInterceptor I am honestly trying to undo the damage. I can imagine some of it, and I am so sorry for the damage done to you and your siblings. I wish you well.

My children are my priority.

I don't think he's drinking. He used to try and hide it. I can see it in him that he's not. But, to be honest, that's not the point. He has to do what he needs to do around his relationship with alcohol away from me and my children.

Now you ask for a sensible answer. Shame you didn't make it before moving him in! Either way 7 weeks is good so if he keeps making effort then in all fairness he is trying for you