He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

[chanceornochance]

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

Considering he is still coming in and trying to talk you into letting him stay it seems he has no intention of leaving op.

I'd also bet on him being shit faced on the move out date.

Does he have family he can stay with? If so, I'd be inclined to tell him I need space to think. To ask him to go away for the week. Change the locks then drop his stuff round his parents.

That gets him out without drama.

7 weeks is good

I’m sure I’m not the only person who will pick up on this, but seven weeks is nothing!

Very good idea. I think you need to be strategic like this OP, it's very optimistic to think he will stay sober and leave as requested at the end of July. Pigs might fly. Be devious if you have to - he has, and probably still is.

You are thinking straight, don't doubt that for a minute.

Has he taken any steps to find a place to live yet? Because if he is moving out at the end of the month he needs to be looking right now.

This!
Also being able to collaborate with other women online like this has opened my eyes massively.
When it's just you and you're in the fog it's much harder to see what's going on. Back in 'the dark ages' we couldn't collaborate like this to understand the various mechanisms that men use to dominate and control us for their benefit.

It might be a good idea to prepare yourself for the possibility of extreme behaviour when he has moved out, attempts to guilt trip you into letting him move back in.
If he moves out into some kind of insecure situation then it might be that the plan he (consciously or unconsciously) has up his sleeve is to be made homeless and then try and guilt you into taking him back in, or there may be suicide attempts.
Or maybe not, but forewarned is forearmed.

It's an eternity if you are an alcoholic! Heck, even 7 days is an eternity. 7 weeks is bloody damn good! Better than good. I don't think she should throw it away now he's proven himself. However I would say this is the last chance ever. He must never touch a single drink ever again. But 7 is a fucking damn good sign. It just goes to show he can do it, when push comes to shove.

His family aren't in this country. He has a friend he can stay with.

He's known for weeks that he has to go. I really don't want to play any head games with him.

Yes, he is trying to avoid the reality by trying to convince me that he'll make it up to me if I let him stay etc. And, selfishly, I just want some headspace back, I want to not be thinking constantly about him and his drink problem, even if that problem is simply now that he's "sober". It's such a hideous waste of time and energy.

I didn't know about any of this before, the drinking, the codependency, the trauma bonding, and now I do. Thanks in part to this forum, to online information, to helplines, to my friends who have listened.

Without this support, I'd be doing things like ringing my parents for help, and they're absolutely not the appropriate source of guidance or solidarity on this. Not through any fault of their own, but just because they wouldn't really have any informed or detached perspective.

I am so glad of the motivation for change that is here, however challenging or difficult for me to listen to. Thank you.

You can't change the past OP, he can't either. But with 7 weeks and couples therapy, you should be ok. I am normally the first to chant LTB, but he seems to be going well. He can't change the past. But he's doing a pretty good job of rectifying the future. Give him a fair chance.

Oh yeah, he's already doing the crying and wailing. She's yet to have the

But where will I go? I have nothing without you.
You're the only reason I'm not drinking, without you I might as well start drinking again.
You're taking my family away from me.
My life is over, I'm a worthless piece of trash, I'll just go into the garden and eat worms sleep on the street.
There's nothing in this life for me now you've taken away your love for me. Tell the girls I love them.
You'll never hear from me again.
Hey, shall we go out for a date?
I'M TRYING SO HARD BUT NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
You don't care whether I live or die. You've never loved me enough (sob).
(plays music very loudly) I can't liiiiiiiivvvvee, if living is without you, I can't liiiiiiiiivvvvee, I can't liiive any more - I CAN'T LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Text message or voicemail 'I'm in my car. I wanted to say goodbye'.

Shortly afterwards to be followed by

You've met somebody else, haven't you? I knew it, I knew it all along.

No, it shows he CAN do it - when it's all about him.

For 8 years he has put op through this shit. He's only 'changed' when she'd finally had enough and he knew he was going to be out on his arse.

And how long do you think it'll be after her resolve caves, till he starts up again?

Man some people have low bloody bars but this takes the biscuit. 8 years of shite and abuse and its still 'aww diddles, don't kick the poor man out, he's tryyyyying'. Ffs.

Bonkers.

And, selfishly, I just want some headspace back, I want to not be thinking constantly about him and his drink problem, even if that problem is simply now that he's "sober". It's such a hideous waste of time and energy
That's not selfish, he has gaslit you into feeling as if anything which doesn't align with his preferences and what he wants is you being selfish.
You are not selfish, you are putting your children first, that is not selfish, you are doing the right thing.

Be prepared for the friend to kick him out and he turns up on your doorstep with nowhere else to go.

@BathroomOnTheRight I absolutely appreciate that 7 weeks is a huge deal for him. Previously he'd manage a few days at most. He drank at least 90% of the time. I respect what he's achieved and am very glad for him, for his health and wellbeing and sanity. He's finally managed to choose not to drink himself to death.

But. That doesn't undo the harm that's beem done. And it can't change my decision to keep my children safe. He has to go and do his sobriety work away from this home.

@NeverDropYourMooncup has the script perfect.
@chanceornochance You are not selfish to look after yourself and your dds now.
Your dp is an adult, he can look after himself and if he can't there are services to help.

i would keep your distance.

If you go back, every time you disagree on something or he gets in a huff with you, you'll be left with the fear it'll lead to him into drinking again. That's no way to live.

And that's if he is able to keep up his sobriety.

@NeverDropYourMooncup yep, spot on. That's the script. Sleeping in the car may or may not be involved. And tears about having to say goodbye to the dog (which he never walked) too 🙄 violins at the ready.

Absolutely not. Dangerous advice.

He's finally managed to choose not to drink himself to death
I don't think so, drinking is likely still his highest priority, his ultimate goal is to get himself a nice cushy number where he can indulge himself with alcohol to his heart's content (and eventual death of course)
I can't know if it's a conscious or unconscious strategy possibly a bit of both, at some level he knows that each time you kick him out and then take him back he gains more power, you're a bit more crushed and broken and it's harder for you to kick him out again.
He doesn't care about your children's well-being he has minimised the impact on them, in order to achieve his goal he needs to crush you all so that you can't see the wood for the trees and he gets what he wants.
His reward for abstaining from alcohol for a long time might well be a lovely big binge.

@sadsack78 this is exactly it. I don't want the responsibility for keeping him sober. It's like tidying up by sweeping so much crap under the carpet and then wondering why everything feels so uncomfortable and weird underfoot for the rest of your life. Or burning the house down and then trying to rebuild it from ashes and wondering why you're covered in dust.

Well done for telling him he has to go and well done him for staying sober, but I don't understand why he is still living in your house.

Do you know anything about alcoholism??

Give him a fair chance??!! She gave him 8 years! Do fuck off @BathroomOnTheRight

OP having been through this, he absolutely has only stopped to get you to change your mind and when you do, eventually he will revert back to type. It might take weeks, it may take months. But he WILL start drinking again. I've been on this merry go round afew times.

Keep your resolve and when you feel that fading, find your anger. Remember all of the crap he's put you and your children through. When he starts to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him (and he will). You will find strength in that anger. Hold onto it.

Yes, I know more about it than many could imagine. Probably more than you. I also said above that I am the daughter of an alcoholic. No one I know has ever managed 7 weeks sober.

Bear in mind that this man has had eight years to study you, to get a sense of where your boundaries are and how far he can push you.
You said that he had turned your home into his pub so he's had good stretches of time where everything was golden for him and he had exactly what he wanted.
It might be that he won't give up easily on that investment, he may feel that those golden times are still within his reach.
It might be a good idea to consider the possibility of moving if he starts any funny business so that he doesn't know where to find you, hopefully that won't be necessary, he might decide to look for another victim instead.