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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

215 replies

chanceornochance · 16/07/2023 07:51

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

OP posts:
oi0Y0io · 30/07/2023 17:54

Congratulations OP, I think you've handled everything very well and I hope your example will act as a template for others who need to extract themselves from similar situations.

Pinkbonbon · 30/07/2023 19:10

Yay! Well done you! Expertly handled.

Just maybe vary your routine for a while incase he's hanging around all spiteful. And watch out for calls from withheld numbers or random social media people trying to message you.

Hopefully he'll remain a thing of history from now on! Good luck with the fresh start! You deserve one.

crapactually · 30/07/2023 19:39

Well done @chanceornochance. Now enjoy your life with your girls.

Just to check again, there is absolutely no way he could have the code to get a key cut is there? It wasn't written down somewhere or stored on your phone? If there's any chance, change the locks. 😊

scoobysnaxx · 30/07/2023 22:26

Congratulations OP and well done!

I wish you every happiness in your NEW home with your children xx

ThisWormHasTurned · 31/07/2023 06:59

Fantastic news Chanceornchance. I know exactly what you mean about the spring in your step. It genuinely feels like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you feel lighter.
hope your kids have a lovely holiday and they can feel relaxed at home when they get back.

booktokbear · 31/07/2023 15:09

I can feel that spring in your step just through your words op.

I admire that your taken accountability, and done what's best for you and your lovely girls. You've been so strong.

Looking forward to hearing how happy the girls are to come home to their home free of him, that'll be a lovely moment for you all 💕

Original poster
chanceornochance · 10/09/2023 12:55

after 6 weeks, i wanted to articulate - maybe almost just for myself - what an entirely different world the daughters and i are living in. yes, we have the usual mum and teenage daughters ups and downs, but there is no sense of impending doom or chaos, no me losing the plot or behaving frantically trying to keep the peace. no awkward navigation of space in our home or drunken mess to clear up. it's honestly transformative. for me, a huge change has been mental / psychological - i'm not endlessly wasting my mental energy thinking about him or trying to make sense of his behaviour or so-called feelings towards me. i'm not raging against the frustrations and hostility of his presence in my life and my daughters' home. i've been out (on my own!) to gigs, to the ballet, taken the daughters to different things. and haven't ever had that awful fear of leaving them in the house on their own either (just for a while ...) - because i haven't been leaving them with him and his drunken idiocy.

and what really brought it home to me was my daughter's recent birthday. we had such a brilliant celebration, took her out with her friends, ate cake - all so chill and easy and lovely. he used to get weirdly jealous of other people's birthdays (at least that's how i read it), and would always spoil them in some way (mine, every flaming year; charming). so it felt so good not to have that disruptive antagonistic unpredictable nonsense going on.

again, thank you so much to all of you who so generously offered what felt so wise, supportive, motivating, understanding here; i genuinely felt like you had my back during what were some very dark, difficult - and, i think, dangerous - days. i so appreciate all your words, and hope that perhaps at least some of this might help other women too. thank you.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 10/09/2023 13:02

I’m so very pleased you and your girls have managed to move forward. Also hoping this helps one woman. You’ve been so brave. Wishing you the very best.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 13:03

Squiblet · 16/07/2023 08:02

We can't tell the future, it's no use asking us. Some people do quit and stay quit. Many don't.

You might consider making it clear to him that if he wants to stay with you, he has to put in the work towards healing whatever pain or weakness made him turn to drink in the first place. Attending support groups. Reading books on the subject. LOTS of therapy. Genuinely doing the hard work to change his needs, not just change his behaviour.

This

You should have ended it years ago but you are where you are.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 13:04

Prettybubblesintheair · 16/07/2023 09:33

80 units a week and be didn’t go through the DT’s? Dry heaving, vomiting, the runs, shivers, sweating, hallucinations, insomnia? Alcohol withdrawal isn’t something you can go through quietly without someone noticing. I’m suspicious that he may not have stopped.

I don’t agree with all those saying once a drinker always a drinker, I’m an alcoholic 3 years and 3 months sober. I went to AA. It’s the only way I got and stayed sober. I went through withdrawal so many times, it’s horrific. You need to stick to your guns. I cried a lot in my early recovery but in meetings and in private, not to my family or the people I’d hurt through my drinking. A lot of his behaviour is suspicious.

I drank a similar amount and had no physical withdrawal

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 13:09

chanceornochance · 10/09/2023 12:55

after 6 weeks, i wanted to articulate - maybe almost just for myself - what an entirely different world the daughters and i are living in. yes, we have the usual mum and teenage daughters ups and downs, but there is no sense of impending doom or chaos, no me losing the plot or behaving frantically trying to keep the peace. no awkward navigation of space in our home or drunken mess to clear up. it's honestly transformative. for me, a huge change has been mental / psychological - i'm not endlessly wasting my mental energy thinking about him or trying to make sense of his behaviour or so-called feelings towards me. i'm not raging against the frustrations and hostility of his presence in my life and my daughters' home. i've been out (on my own!) to gigs, to the ballet, taken the daughters to different things. and haven't ever had that awful fear of leaving them in the house on their own either (just for a while ...) - because i haven't been leaving them with him and his drunken idiocy.

and what really brought it home to me was my daughter's recent birthday. we had such a brilliant celebration, took her out with her friends, ate cake - all so chill and easy and lovely. he used to get weirdly jealous of other people's birthdays (at least that's how i read it), and would always spoil them in some way (mine, every flaming year; charming). so it felt so good not to have that disruptive antagonistic unpredictable nonsense going on.

again, thank you so much to all of you who so generously offered what felt so wise, supportive, motivating, understanding here; i genuinely felt like you had my back during what were some very dark, difficult - and, i think, dangerous - days. i so appreciate all your words, and hope that perhaps at least some of this might help other women too. thank you.

Ah just saw this is an old post! I need to wear my glasses when posting here

well done OP. Living life without the shackles of alcohol abuse (your own or someone else’s) is great and true freedom and honesty.

LolaLu1980 · 10/09/2023 16:08

chanceornochance · 10/09/2023 12:55

after 6 weeks, i wanted to articulate - maybe almost just for myself - what an entirely different world the daughters and i are living in. yes, we have the usual mum and teenage daughters ups and downs, but there is no sense of impending doom or chaos, no me losing the plot or behaving frantically trying to keep the peace. no awkward navigation of space in our home or drunken mess to clear up. it's honestly transformative. for me, a huge change has been mental / psychological - i'm not endlessly wasting my mental energy thinking about him or trying to make sense of his behaviour or so-called feelings towards me. i'm not raging against the frustrations and hostility of his presence in my life and my daughters' home. i've been out (on my own!) to gigs, to the ballet, taken the daughters to different things. and haven't ever had that awful fear of leaving them in the house on their own either (just for a while ...) - because i haven't been leaving them with him and his drunken idiocy.

and what really brought it home to me was my daughter's recent birthday. we had such a brilliant celebration, took her out with her friends, ate cake - all so chill and easy and lovely. he used to get weirdly jealous of other people's birthdays (at least that's how i read it), and would always spoil them in some way (mine, every flaming year; charming). so it felt so good not to have that disruptive antagonistic unpredictable nonsense going on.

again, thank you so much to all of you who so generously offered what felt so wise, supportive, motivating, understanding here; i genuinely felt like you had my back during what were some very dark, difficult - and, i think, dangerous - days. i so appreciate all your words, and hope that perhaps at least some of this might help other women too. thank you.

Amazing update OP, well done, what you have been through must have been hell and you have made it to the other side….stay strong ❤️

pointythings · 10/09/2023 17:11

What a fantastic update, I am beyond delighted for you and you've just described everything I experienced after my alcoholic husband left. The freedom and peace are unbelievable. I hope your posts here will encourage other women who are in the same situation to take the leap.

tribpot · 10/09/2023 18:58

What a fantastic update @chanceornochance . The weight has been lifted off you.

tinymeteor · 10/09/2023 22:38

Amazing, OP. Amazing. And YOU made it happen, for your girls and for yourself. Well done!

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