He's put the beer down. Do I give him "one more chance" after nearly eight years of drunken hell.

[chanceornochance]

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and that of my children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

Seven weeks ago he stopped drinking. He'd been drinking every day (just about) for years but he seems to have genuinely seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again. He loves me more than anything, etc etc.

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. I made my decision months ago but had been siting on my hands so as to get my DD through her nat-5s without the chaos and conflict of his departure.

I feel so torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome 🙏🏼

Just wanted to add that in these kind of threads, lots of people refer to 'rock bottom' - as if once an addict has reached this point, they will then recover as nothing could get worse. I want to add my experience that this isn't always true. My ex partner reached rock bottom - then several other versions of rock bottom, each horrific in different ways. Didn't sudden have a moment of clarity and start to recover. Instead, that was the beginning of a terrible, awful year until she died, having not even reached the age of 42.

Same thing goes for the phrase 'functioning alcoholic'. She was 'functioning' too until her liver wasn't. Just because someone isn't living under a bridge drinking cheap cider at 6am doesn't mean the damage can't be awful - to the addict and those around them.

OP, your title tells us everything. 8 years of drunken hell. I wish someone had given me a shake years before I finally said enough.

Get his key back today OP, he’s not gone if he can still let himself in. If he won’t give it, change the locks. If he needs access to his stuff he can get a storage unit that isn’t your home.

@BritInAus I am so sorry. What an awful awful thing to happen. This has been my fear for all this time, that he might end up dead, in his early 40s too. There is, as you say, no magical turning point and no escaping the reality of the physical damage alcohol wreaks on the body. I don't want to sound glib or patronising, but truly my heart goes out to you. I hope you are doing okay, take good care of yourself and thank you for articulating the truth of your experience of an alcoholic partner 🫂🫂

Don't let him keep spinning out out. Anything not gone today can be leave on the doorstep and as above make sure you get the key. No heed for this to take so long. You need time to decompress before dc return to their new start

@tinymeteor and @liveforsummer ... yes, this is a good idea. He's just got up and is stomping about. Very stressed apparently. I have kindly suggested that everyone might feel a lot less stressed if he just pressed on with moving his stuff out, seeing as he's nearly there now. He protested, but it's looking like he's actually getting more stuff sorted. So, fingers crossed. I know this might sound a bit softly softly but I don't want a confrontation and know him well enough that if I put my foot down and make this about what I want he'll drag it out / kick off out of sheer bloody minded spite. Give me strength 💪🏽

And @Thistlelass it is sad but there are no more chances of trials or even of me guiding or supporting him on this. He has friends, family, knows how to navigate and access resources. My moment of clarity, as mentioned earlier on, was that I can't be his rehab centre. It's just not possible.

@NeverDropYourMooncup is right, I am done with his / this shit. I want him out of my home. His drinking very nearly destroyed me and my children. I need to do my own work on myself and on taking the best care I can of them.

When I look at him I find it really difficult to imagine what the last near-decade has even been about. I don't wish him harm but I can't put any more energy into him and his life.

I hear you!
possibly the best way to get rid of him is to be just nice enough that he thinks there's a chance that he might be able to get his foot back in the door, so do what you need to do to keep him sweet enough that he keeps on believing that.

Then as soon as he's gone and everything of his is gone you take off that mask and you slam down the portcullis and you bring up the drawbridge and you fill the moat with crocodiles and piranhas and he never ever gets back in.

Even so you might need to wear that mask a little bit when you're interacting with him, just to throw him off the scent while you make triple sure that his every pathway and avenue to return is blocked.

Yes! @oi0Y0io I'm doing my best to be relatively gracious. Which is a struggle when I'm longing to release those crocodiles and tilt the buckets of hot fat into position above the portcullis.

I've been out and come back and he's not here. Some of his stuff is but his precious oversized TV-on-steroids is gone. I can't imagine he plans to last even a night without it, so I don't think he'll sleep here ever again. I'm praying hard 🙏🏼

his precious oversized TV-on-steroids is gone
💃💃💃

@oi0Y0io my feelings exactly!!! There will be dancing and music in this house not the pointless blare of a TV he fell asleep to hours earlier 🥳💃🏽🎊💃🏽😇💃🏽🥳

Wishing you well OP - just think how relieved and happy your DDs will be to come home to a house that actually, properly feels like home.

There's been a few mentions of rock bottoms and there's a saying in AA - "Every rock bottom has a trapdoor." The idea of "I can't get any lower than this" can be a seductive trap - because of course you can, right up until you die.

I've heard many many stories of what brings people into AA and it's rarely a big dramatic event. There were many moments in my drinking career that absolutely should have been my rock bottom, but weren't. I carried on drinking until I was in enough pain to do the hard work of recovery. We addicts are inherently selfish and self-centered - external consequences are rarely enough for us.

Keep strong and watch carefully for any manipulation strategies once he's gone, including suicide attempts. He is not your responsibility.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank you for articulating this. I really understand what you say about the rock bottom and the trapdoor, from the other side but still it resonates very strongly. It's one of the things I found so difficult. Some truly awful things happened, but none of them were enough for him to hold himself accountable. But I can't let that aggravate me any more, and won't. I reached my tipping point and that's what has made this change take place. I don't know what, if anything, he'll do next but at the moment I'd honestly feel nothing but relief if I never saw him again. I want him to be okay, to live more fully and happily than he has up until now, but that can only be his choice. I don't want to sound glib, but I hope he heals. I hope we all heal.

He wasn't at the house last night. Everything is gone but his bike, which he's collecting in an hour. I was out when he came to get the rest of his stuff and as soon as I put my key in the lock I could feel the difference in energy. The house is a mess. He was always careless and indifferent about basic housekeeping, which drove me crazy. I'm off to buy a load of cleaning stuff for a literal and metaphorical radical refresh.

I've read and reread very single post on this thread multiple times. Very real, very necessary and 100% positive change has actually, truly happened because of the power of the support and guidance and kick-up-the-arse comments that you've offered. Thank you a million times.

I have come to feel that rock bottom applies more to the person living with an addict - it's the moment when you see your situation for what it really is and say 'no more'.

Ffs. She's already said that he didn't show any signs of drinking until after he moved in

@pointythings absolutely. I saw the situation and the very real danger it was putting my children in with a horrible, monumental clarity. Although it was his actions that created that particular danger, he still doesn't see why it would be enough to see him off the premises and out of our lives. But in truth I'm the one who should have seen, and acted more decisively, on the reality years earlier.

It really is like waking from a nightmare.

I'm so pleased to read to the end of this thread.

I also had one of these, no kids involved at the time.

After I left he was dead before he was 40, and I've spent years balancing the gladness that I found the strength to leave with the sadness that he never found his rock bottom.

Enjoy your free new life.

So glad he's gone. Be quick to change those locks incase whonever he is staying with realises what a nightmare he is and kicks him out and he tries to come back.

So, so glad he's gone. And fully agree with @Pinkbonbon - change the locks, update the Council right away so you can start claiming your single person discount, let everyone know you've split up, make this absolutely real. The future starts now, @chanceornochance - I hope it's a bright one for you and your children.

Yep, definitely change the locks, but well done for seeing this through. I'll bet when you have scrubbed the house from top to bottom you will feel like a new woman and the house will feel like a weight had been lifted. You can then put your music on and have a dance around your lovely clean house.

Oh I feel for you OP. I also fell for a man who was an alcoholic but didn’t reveal his drinking until after he moved in. In fact, he wasn’t drinking when we met. You don’t see it initially. Took me years to see his for what he is. These types are clever, they are manipulative. You look back and think ‘How did I not see this?’.

You’ve done the right thing. Enjoy your new freedom! I have been gutting our home since he left. Same in that he is a slob, left all manner of crap behind. Discovered that he used a drill and never wiped it down, plaster dust just left for months 🙄 I spent months just wandering round my house sighing, I felt so oppressed while he was there.

Definitely gets the locks changed ASAP. Also if you have any joint accounts like Netflix etc, Ring doorbell (mine had never logged out and had been watching who was coming and going for a YEAR!). Enjoy your freedom. I hope this is a positive step for you and your daughters.

How are you @chanceornochance? Has the man and his bike finally gone? Hopefully all traces of him have been removed from your home and you are looking forward to a lovely peaceful Sunday with your girls.

@chanceornochance my MIL is an alcoholic. She is now in a residential facility in Ireland with alcohol related brain damage. It is highly unlikely she will ever live independently again. She has no access to alcohol, and hasn’t since she was admitted to hospital last year, but when we have spoken, she has told me how much she wants a glass of wine.

I am telling you this because I think it’s important that you consider what will happen if this man’s health fails, and to show how deep the addiction can go. My MIL can’t remember what happened yesterday, barely registers she has a GC but is still fixated on the drink. It’s been her true love, I’m afraid, over her son, her family, her grandchild, her job. Everything.

My sole caveat is that my MIL always refused professional help. If your partner is serious, he will seek help, but I don’t think you need to wait around and see if you don’t want to. He’s not your responsibility. Your kids, however, are. You sound like a lovely mum and I hope you are able to have lots of happy times ahead with your children.

So sorry, didn’t read the full thread. I’m delighted for you OP. Enjoy the future.

Thank you @clarebear111 I am very sorry for you and your family with the situation with your MIL. This kind of scenario as a possible future definitely scared me, as did the prospect of him having some kind of life-changing industrial accident, which could've happened given his job.

He has gone, all his stuff, and him. I have the keys back (he can't have had them copied, because you need a special code). There was an ugly scene outside the house on Thursday, but none of that matters any more because he's out of my life and my children's lives for good.

I have been away to see friends for the weekend (daughters on holiday with their father) and honestly feel like a different woman. I know it's a cliche, but I've had a real spring in my step, been inspired, upbeat, friendly, receptive to others, laughing and energised.

I hope I can create some of that positivity in my home and in our hearts for me and my daughters. It's like stepping into the light and away from an awful, fearful heaviness.

I couldn't have done it without the sustaining guidance, wisdom and perspectives of everyone on this thread. Thank you all a million times over.

Well done OP

Here's to a lighter brighter happier future for you and your daughters